Monday, December 28, 2009

Coming Out

I'm back home from the Christmas holiday and don't have the energy to do much and don't quite want to go to bed yet, so I'll spill my guts.

I said I had big news, and boy, do I. I now have a significant other. That is not a cat. It's a person you know through my blog. Someone who EVERYONE would guess and suggest, but never in a million (OK, 14) years would WE have guessed and suggested.

It's M, the guy who's been helping me with my house. Yeah, like I said, maybe everyone else could see it coming for a million miles or years, but we did not. Really truly. People don't believe that, but it's true. T-R-U-E. Though, it doesn't matter one bit if noone believes us, even my ex.

Because, you see, it's one of those things that makes you start to think the love songs all make sense. That feels comfortable despite the tremendous terrified feeling that existed right before the switch happened from friend to significant other. That allows the change to happen as it will, with understanding and compassion and trust and love and humor, with the lessening-in-frequency pauses to say 'this is odd, odd, odd'. That you CAN have it all in relationship - friendship, love, sex, humor, respect, and more.

It happened in J-tree. I didn't trust it at first. Well, yes and no. It was going to be 'just a CA thing.' But then we talked a lot when he was still away. We talked a lot when he got back. He walked in my door the first time after CA and we looked at each other and said 'this is weird'. But, ya know, it's well worth the terror and adjustment and fear. It's well worth possibly losing any sort of relationship with my ex, forever (he was not happy, to say the least). It's well worth the adjustment of how I saw my life folding out in front of me.

But there are still moments of fear. Like just now when I went to write his age, I realized that I am much more comfortable writing that he's 12 years older than me than that he is 55 (!!!). So, before writing that sentence, I called him up and told him that. Because that's what we do. Some quotable quotes: "Age is just a number, but it's much more than that." "I can't believe I'm that fucking old." "It's a low number when talking about the speed limit, but otherwise, not so much." "I don't think of you as any younger than me." That last one, maybe not so quotable, but I forgive him - I understood the concept.

No, he's never been married. But engaged twice(ish). And part of the reason he never married is that it never felt right. He wanted it all. And had given up hope that it would arrive. And, suddenly, I appear. So, he's quite mushy about it all, and all his friends all over the world want to meet me (OK, well at least 3 in the US). He's self aware and has learned all the necessary communication skills for being with a woman (#1 - patience... :-) )

And just so you don't think it's all roses and lollipops, again, it's been requiring an adjustment because I thought I'd marry a younger guy and have a family, etc. And I know his quirks and annoyances already and he knows mine and we don't keep quiet about our opinions of them.

But I took him home for the holidays, and he not only endured, but also enjoyed. And liked and was liked. So, likely CA will greet us together in late spring.

(so, cynics, ha on you. you can indeed have it all. it may take longer than you want. there may be way too much pain to get you to the point. but if you stay open to the possibilities and are willing to take terrifying leaps, great things CAN happen. you can also get run over by a truck, but neither one is possible without the leap.)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009


So, I'm visiting my brother and in the dream he lives in a high building with office building type windows (flat, not openable, or so I thought). I was near the window and I realize it opens. And I'm hanging onto the sill, which is very narrow, and realize the building is leaning, and thus there is a possibility that I might fall out / I get vertigo. So I'm freaking out, can't move, even though my brother is trying to get me to move. But I'm freaked.

And then the building starts bending over like it's a straw, and I tell my brother to hang on, and I see somehow another place in the building getting upended. And the building comes back up straight and I realized that it was a dream and I made the building bend over and come back up to see that I could survive this really horrible thing, so I felt perfectly comfortable letting go of the window and stepping away from it.

Hmm... can you tell there's stuff going on in my life? Which I will indeed share, before the end of the year. It's another reason I'm not writing as much. But I think of you all and hope you are well.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

good retort

As I came in the morning, the two door guys were there. Somehow we got to the topic of scary movies (I know the somehow, but it's really not all that interesting). The one guy (older one) starts going off how he loves the Chucky movies and Freddy Kruger movies and even the Saw movies. I couldn't believe it. The other guy liked them too! I said 'I've lost all respect for you two.' Retort from younger guy: Go ahead. They're just movies. Damn. Can't mess with him.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Bell ringing - Salvation Army

I should be working, but had to share. I volunteered to stand out side and be a Salvation Army person this weekend. Only for 1 hour. Ringing the bell. Although I drove myself nuts with the sound of the bell, it was a neat experience. I felt a little crazy when I first started, in part because noone was around. And I stood there ringing. Eventually people walked by, since I was next to a UPS store. I tried to just smile - not be aggressive, since 'tis not the season to be aggressive.

Slowly people started going by and dropping money in. The best experience was always when a parent got a kid to put money in. One kid (2 yo?) put it in and was fascinated by my ringing. When she came out of the store I let her ring my second small bell. She stood there holding it and ringing and was so cute. And let me tell you, child labor rocks! Several people who were nearby gave BILLS (including I think a $10 bill) while she stood there. It was an unexpected benefit from the experience - I had only intended to make the child happy.

Lesson learned from the day: I will never pass by a bell ringer again without giving money. Though I may critique their form.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday feelings

(taken from WFMU home page)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Finally figured it out

I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt like it. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel like it, but it seems to have surfaced.

My initial point of doing this blog was vomit up all the shit I was going through, anonymously. It was 'safe'. I also wanted to feel like I had more friends/people I knew because it felt like my personal life was falling apart (which it was) and I was 'losing' friends left and right. And it worked.

And then things happened. Facebook became a part of my life, and I friended some of you, so lines started blurring. And I met one of you in person. And those that didn't have that access to my 'real' life, well, I got to the point where I was blogging for you.

And who are 'you'? I don't really know you. I know what I read, but that's not always the truth, no matter how much I'd like to think it is. The possibility that you will be an 'in person' friend is pretty damn slim. I can count on you virtually, but can't be guaranteed to count on you in person.

And my real in person friends who read this, well, the blog lets them know about my life, but reduces the real interaction I have with them, and what I know about their lives. Which is a negative.

So, as life continues to get better for me, I get scared that some of you know who I really am and could have power over me. And those who don't really know who I am, well, you know me in depth, and some of you I know in depth too, but you could disappear at any time, and I'm left in the dust. And my real friends will slowly get less close because of the blog.

And you know what? All of this is at it is. I will choose to accept the good, bad, ugly, scary. I continue on because I want to, and not because of you, though your reading this does keep me going, and does mean something to me. I appreciate your comments and support greatly, and hope I will continue to know you. I want to keep up with you but I can't feel bad if I can't, because I have to have my primary focus be my 'real' life and if life is crazy, that's what's number 1. My December is crazy, and I'm taking too much time writing this, but it's important to me, and needed to get it out. And I will try better to keep up with my real friends.

It's a product of me adapting to this new society, where virtual friendships are a way of life for some. I thought I was OK with it all, but retreated into my shell for a little bit. Hopefully I'll start plodding along again.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

small thought

My pulse beats on my wrist as I hold my head in my hands, reminding me that life goes on.

[let me note though it may sound like it from the above, I am not depressed]

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sara Petite

From my trip to J-tree, went to Pappy and Harriet's. She was playing.
Go to the website, and the first song that plays (Shouldn't be Doing This) is my favorite. She was playing it when we walked in, and it felt really familiar like I had heard it before. Maybe I've just felt this way before.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Another short one

Went out to a movie with a woman I'm trying to make friends with. Was fun.

I visited my cousin in Los Angeles. Haven't seen her in years and years. Before even I was married. But she's great and so is her husband.

Turns out she's a mirror of me.
- depressed in the past
- became irritable too
- marriage was on the rocks
- got medication - exact same medication
- waking up at 4 am every morning

Big differences:
- she and her husband realized they really belonged together and have been working to make it work
- she doesn't have as good a psychiatrist, and thus is still on an antidepressant, but also on a sleeping pill because of the 4 am waking (she's making an appointment to tell her psych what my info is)

It was so validating. Amazing how similar. It does run in the family.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Here are a few photos. I got sick on the way home yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. Hope everyone is well.

Where there's smoke, there's turkey cooking.

Lemons I picked from my cousin's lemon tree.

J-tree sunset

The start of a climb