Wednesday, June 27, 2012


My life:
- have had two guys come see the apartment and both were all gung ho, and then I think when hit with the credit check, etc. they backed out. A woman coming tonight. I had met a woman with whom I could maybe live, but she wants me to move because she needs a pool. I really don't want to. Plus, the more I interact with her, the less I want to live with her.
- had a webinar to present some stuff to my consulting gig, and it went well. still too much work to do, but thank goodness I have G working with me. He's going to get more money than me for sure (I control the money)
- No word yet from the one position I still have on the table. But I just checked with one reference and she was not contacted, so now I am despairing.  There's an excellent article in Rolling STone about homeless former middle class and although I'm far from that, it makes me think.  Bad thoughts.
- still doing my temp job - they haven't kicked me out yet
- moving day is next Wed - packing truck on Tuesday.  my living room will be empty.  I dread it and want it to be done.  Sad.
- I pissed off one nice contact I had when I checked in with him.  Hopefully I smoothed it over.  Sigh.
- Another contact was all gung ho a while back and I checked in, and no word from him.
- the refrigerator died Monday and we don't get another until Thursday.
- I don't know how to deal with my computer/internet - don't know what I'll need. Don't want to think about it. But must.
- gotta go to work.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

If I only had this problem

Baby Blues strikes again!  :-)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Of all the days

Of all the days to forget my bra and underwear!  I had gone to my temp job and worked out there, and did some work before going to my interview.  No underwear.  So, I washed the underwear I had and used blow-dryers to dry them. And used my sweaty sports bra as my bra.  It ended up working out ok.

So this was a second interview for one job. I have no idea how it went. I was supposed to meet with two higher-ups who couldn't show up, and so ended up with two people I had already met with, and another woman they pulled in last minute. So, either they are very disorganized, I am not important, or I'm so important they don't need to meet me. I will say that one person I would be working with walked me out and chatted with me a bit, so that was nice.  Good sign?  Who knows.  I am not assuming anything. I won't know anything until the end of the month.

In the meantime, I have to work on my contract work and get that done.

Went up to Seattle for my nephew's graduation from high school. It was great to get away and just hang out with family and not think. I was very out of it. Someone at a party asked me what I was looking for in terms of work and I couldn't answer because I just didn't want to think about it.  So I didn't.  But had a great time.

Now I must go send references....

I know you are weeping because I haven't been writing much. LIkely I'll have more time when M leaves.  :-(

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I love you blog

I love you blog for being there when I need you. I can talk to you, and you listen. And you mirror shit back to me in such a way that I can think, and not be overwhelmed by getting too much information at once. I can sit and cry and not worry about how I look. And I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of you or taking up too much of your time.  I can be weak and imperfect and you know I'll come around to being less so. Perhaps you aren't as challenging as I might need, because you bring up all the justifications for why I might feel or do something. But nothing is perfect, and neither is a human being.

I really do. I use to write diaries, but I type faster than I write, and these days my handwriting sucks since I never do it. That's the case with a lot of people I think.  My nephew for example... his handwriting looks like a 9 year old's in my opinion, and my guess is that he just hasn't had too much occasion to use it.

I'm scared of being in a working environment full time. I think of how I was, now 3-4 years ago, and I was horrible. I think of what M says that I live in my own little bubble, and I see that. It's like I can only handle so much input and I have to filter some out.  I have lag response time. I also do awkward social things, like interrupt the flow of a funny conversation to say what's in my head which is anxiety about how someone else is interacting with me, or to respond to someone who's just looking for information about a climbing area to say that I'd love to go along because I'm going to need new climbing friends. NO, she didn't ask you that. I've become socially awkward, and apparently always have been personally awkward. I have this image of me of being considerate, but I become inconsiderate sometimes and take advantage of people or cancel things the last minute when I should have thought ahead so I wouldn't put people in a bind.

I guess I think I'm ok with all that's going on, but it hits me and I realize, not so much. If I just let some out, I'd feel better, so I'm doing that. What's happening:
- M is leaving the end of this month.
- He gives a lot of attention to Billy and cares about him, and once I get a job I won't be here much and who knows what the new roommate will do.
- The apt is filling up with moving boxes.
- I don't really know how all the stuff I have, even in our storage area is going to fit in this apt.
- I have to write an ad and get a great roommate, because I think I'm staying here.
- I have two leads on jobs that are up in the air, but moving forward.
- I have a contract I'm trying to do, and the person I'm working with is so smart and spending so much time on it, and I'm just managing/coordinating since that's what I do. And do best I guess. But I need to do more content.
- I want to climb this summer in the weekends, but it may all be taken up with moving.

Thing is, as Mel often writes, I have the power to decide how I handle it. I've taken the power a few times in the last 6 months. And it felt good. I just need to do it more. But do that for me, not because someone else says I need it or gets upset if I don't recover quickly or respond in the way he does.

OK, power to the

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

One Second

I spent almost literally one and half hours writing a follow up email to the place I had heard nothing from and sent it Sunday night. When I got a reply Monday morning, I didn't want to read it. But, it turned out that they want me in for a second interview!  So that's great.

And contrast that with the huge overwhelming anxiety attack after work today.  I realized I had really screwed someone over by cancelling on my radio show. So when M picked me up to go somewhere, I started giving him all these directions because I was so anxious. Motoradvicemouth. Which of course is irritating. And then I started worrying that I hadn't been doing enough for my consultancy, and was taking advantage of the guy I'm working with. And then I kept hearing all the things M would say about his interpretation of what I do/who I am. These evil monkeys swirling around my head poking at me. An hour and a half of craziness, but I held it together mostly. I pulled myself back to the land of the living. I want to whine and get attention, but I'll just be an adult and get over it myself.


I'm headed up north for 4 days to spend time with my family and not see my nephew graduate from high school.  I return on Tuesday and he graduates on Wednesday... I needed to get back to make money, and I figured he has enough people there...

Not sure what kind of plant this is. A red mushroom?  It was in Yosemite at the base of a tree.

Friday, June 1, 2012


I heard from one job that they won't know about second interviews until the end of next week. The other I heard nothing from.  Sigh.

Other than that... keeping my head above water.  I'm glad I have drugs because the anxiety overwhelms sometimes, though it's actually quite funny at times in retrospect. 

Case in point. M is an organizer. With a capital ORGANIZER. So, he's packing up his stuff and mine gets out of his nicely organized, labeled tubs. Monday I started freaking out. 'I don't know how to organize!'  And I mean, crying. So he offered to go to Tar-get with me, as there was a sale on tubs.  We were in there for a while - me trying to figure out what size and how many, and him saying over and over, 'these are really nice tubs!'.  So I bought $130 worth, and the man who has tubs coming out his ears bought at least $50 worth, though maybe more. It filled my Matrix, and the living room is now full.  But even though I have tubs, I still need to learn how to distribute stuff...  I'll try!