tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53563672994144746632024-03-04T08:23:11.257-08:00Woman with No RegretsEmbracing the inner pink and living with intention and absurdity. I am woman, hear me roar.NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.comBlogger1589125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-28366790967920498402024-03-04T08:22:00.000-08:002024-03-04T08:22:32.315-08:00The universe tests you<p> Reading All the Light We Cannot See. Seeing inside people through the words. Young boy, Nazi school. How he stands by and even participates in the indoctrination. And is aware he is, as opposed to the others who just go along. And the few who resist and stay who they are.</p><p>And I think about the way the world is turning. How atrocities are becoming the norm. And feeling helpless and standing by the side watching it without feeling I can do much. <br /></p><p>And then I do my walk around the block. Coming towards me is a homeless man. No shoes. No jacket. My first thought is that he's ruined my morning meditation walk. How selfish and small. But I say hello and that's something. And then I realize I can do something so I offer him money. He takes it with a very articulate thanks. </p><p>And so a little bit helps. </p><p>But what more can I do as the world is falling apart.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-23634543953154868722023-05-18T13:54:00.002-07:002023-05-18T13:54:44.288-07:00Wonder if this will be me<p> Did google hear me talking about this?</p><p> Care professor Helena Larsson and colleagues in Sweden have <a href="https://bmcgeriatr.biomedcentral.com/counter/pdf/10.1186/s12877-017-0533-1.pdf#:%7E:text=This%20study%20is%20part%20of%20a%20larger%20research,was%20analysed%20using%20Hsiehand%20Shannon%E2%80%99s%20conventional%20content%20analysis.">written about</a>
a gradual “turning out of the lights” in old age. They argue that
people steadily let go of life, until they reach a point where they are
ready to turn off the outside world. Larsson’s team raises the question
of whether this might be inevitable for us all. </p><p></p><p>This need not be the consequence of a lifetime of suffering, or a
response to intolerable physical pain. Tiredness of life also seems to
arise in people who consider themselves to have lived fulfilling lives.</p><p>https://theconversation.com/tiredness-of-life-the-growing-phenomenon-in-western-society-203934?utm_source=pocket-newtab</p><p>Let me note I'm not tired of life. But having my niece graduate and seeing her just starting her life coinciding with me talking to a financial advisor about when to retire and how much money I'll need makes me realize I'm towards the end of my life (with a BIG ish). </p><p>What do I want for the future? I'm not sure. I better figure it out soon though. I'm running out of time. I want that time to be healthy time too.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-36678423839950631652023-04-27T20:42:00.000-07:002023-04-27T20:42:30.951-07:00From My Oxford Year - book<p> "Losing someone is hard enough. But death without the process of dying is an abomination. It takes nine months to create life; it feels unnatural, a sin against nature, that the reverse shouldn't also have its time. Time to let go of the known as we take hold of the unknown.</p><p>Maybe in this, an Oxenford can be shared. Maybe it's not just for the person crossing the river, but also for those left on the bank. Looking into a loved's one's eyes, seeing the knowing there, the inevitability, and telling them, I love you. My love is with you to your end; yours will be with me until mine.</p><p></p><p>Because the love doesn't die, does it?</p><p>What Cecilia said at Oliver's funeral: Love well those who are dying, so that they may die in love."<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-40855260816935834822023-04-27T19:58:00.001-07:002023-04-27T19:58:09.480-07:00The journey is over. <p> The journey is over with my brother. He decided soon after I returned that he had had enough. Everyone returned to his side and we were all there when he died. Well, not literally since he died in the middle of the night - only my brother was sleeping in the room with him. We all arrived, and I needed to mark the event somehow, so found the below on his wall, and read it out loud. So perfect. Trees and he were connected, and he had deep roots. I miss him, and I miss the closeness with my siblings. It will take work to keep that up. Gotta do it.<br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyw2GbY5rkp7cFwARixd8enLQ6t6s_kHTlM7nkU72nkRrAaUBxMGlpd-TTpgDphayrqxGvnwToTq_So9H5qX0-EVvz7jF85l7NJFiCi5pM5bhZ5Tmjm1ov7KxnPkEN2T8NiQFLOnaLFHcHg6wBiCUvYaTmfc7PTAoDE8VY3q4Xq1JDjUILoOpfohJy/s3038/OakTreePoem_ColorV1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3038" data-original-width="2438" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyw2GbY5rkp7cFwARixd8enLQ6t6s_kHTlM7nkU72nkRrAaUBxMGlpd-TTpgDphayrqxGvnwToTq_So9H5qX0-EVvz7jF85l7NJFiCi5pM5bhZ5Tmjm1ov7KxnPkEN2T8NiQFLOnaLFHcHg6wBiCUvYaTmfc7PTAoDE8VY3q4Xq1JDjUILoOpfohJy/s320/OakTreePoem_ColorV1.jpg" width="257" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-41440055862547528712023-01-02T15:55:00.000-08:002023-01-02T15:55:34.178-08:002023 starting off<p> It's a new year people! On the second day of the new year I'm treating myself right. Slept in, taking it easy. Good for me.</p><p>Came back from a rough vacation. Christmastime in the hospital. My ALS brother went to emergency room and then ICU and then RACU several days before Christmas and then after Christmas. Often kind of out of it. When in ICU we weren't sure if he would live for many days. But in the end, he continues to live though he has said no dialysis. Thing is, that doesn't mean you can't get tons of treatment for all the things that are associated with bad kidneys. It was so exhausting. I don't know how people do this long term. And I don't know how the nurses do it at all.</p><p>One thing I was proud of was calling a doctor on his language. Using the term normal brain when saying what my brother does not have. The nurse afterwards apologized and also thanked me for calling him on it. He's a resident apparently. <br /></p><p>I really really need to work on my health care proxy. And so should you.</p><p>M's woman is leaving later this week. Not working out. I don't know why not, but maybe I'll find out. I'm happy for the opportunity to be a better friend. I've mostly distanced myself enough to really think of it as a friendship. Which it should be. Be happy for him! And also maybe do go on a date or two.</p><p>OH made another quilt and made the recipient cry. Yay! ;-)<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-84737821798879053332022-12-03T10:12:00.003-08:002022-12-03T10:12:43.366-08:00Midlife <p> I wouldn't call it a midlife crisis, but it involves a lot of crying anyway. Lots of reflection on how I've basically kept people away all my life. Sort of. Such fear of getting close to people. Such fear of seeing people for who they are and accepting it and living with it. Such fear of accepting my faults. And inattention to myself and my needs. I'm much better at addressing the latter. The former... oh I'm full of regrets this woman with no regrets. Yes, there's always time and I'll get to that. But there's so much time lost. And people lost.</p><p>What is sparking this is M's gotten back together with a woman he lived with 35 years ago. It's still VERY new but I hope it works for him because he seems so excited. It means I finally am able to process my relationship with him. And understand how much I held him off. And how much I took him for granted. And how much I didn't deal with how sensitive he is and didn't listen to his needs - kind of put down his sensitivity. He only walked away once in 25 years, which is a credit to his patience and endurance. Yes there were always extenuating circumstances - my mental health, his physical health, but I so wish I would have / could have worked through it. And been nicer. <br /></p><p>Which is kind of bullshit because it is what it is and was what it was and I just need to move forward from now. But someone said I'm allowed to wallow a little, and I am.</p><p>I hate this lens I'm looking through. It's damn clear and I see what an impact I've had over the years. MY viewpoint was right. MY needs were paramount. The way *I* wanted to communicate was the best. Sigh. Other people have walked out of my life, and rightly so. Family didn't but I'm sure there were times they wish they could/did.</p><p>SIGH. Life goes on. It will be good...but this processing shit sucks. :-)<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-13491681301487469692022-07-15T10:31:00.002-07:002022-07-15T10:31:32.483-07:00Some writing I want to remember<p> "What happened the day I met your father," she said, "is that I learned you have to choose. For better or for worse. You have ot choose what your life is going to look like. </p><p>I tried to swallow, tried to think of what I wanted to say, what I was really thinking. "I just don't feel like i have good choices yet," I said. "It makes it hard to give up the old ones."</p><p>She waved me off. "Well. You're behind all that anyway," she said. "You're still stuck on the same part you were stuck on at seven."</p><p>"What part is that?"</p><p>"The part where you need to choose among the choices that are there, and not the ones that aren't anymore. At least not how you need them to be. You're still stuck on some imaginary idea you have of how it could have been. You need to think about how it is now. And how you want it to be."</p><p>[...]</p><p>I was living in a small town, all alone, which would have been fine if I had chosen it for myself. But I had just <i>not </i>chosen anything else, and all of a sudden, it because very clear to me that this wasn't at all the same thing.<br /></p><p>Laura Dave, London is the Best City in America<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-65824666555771828982022-02-14T20:35:00.003-08:002022-02-14T20:35:36.713-08:00Happy VD Day!<p> How appropriate that when I check the comments that did not go through they were all about herpes.</p><p>In any event, I logged in so I could just say, why do people with weird names think they can shorten my name when I don't shorten theirs?</p><p>Just in general a little irritated today. Took care of M for 2 weeks when he was freaking out and had to have surgery. But he's feeling better, so time to get irritated with me.</p><p>Sigh. But this time I DON'T REALLY CARE.</p><p>But all the guys who I connect with want to be poly. Yeah, tried that. Doesn't work. Even those ethical ones. Or supposedly ethical. </p><p>Love is all around you! Happy happy joy joy! Let's end on that good note. :-)<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-8862517161194540112022-01-23T21:04:00.003-08:002022-01-23T21:06:00.290-08:002022 begins<p> Happy 2022! Wow, time flies. I spent a month back east, helping my sister out by giving stuff away on Craigslist [side note, here in CA people seriously just ask if something's available most of the time rather than explaining why they want it. Maybe it's a NextDoor thing? Not sure. But in NJ one woman left some chocolate as a thank you, and another guy offered up design services as a trade] and seeing my family and a few friends. Saw my ALS brother twice only, not surprisingly they have had a lot of problems with Covid outbreaks amongst staff, so they kind of shut the place down. I'm glad I was able to be there. I may have gotten my sister into the habit of taking a walk every day, which I hope so. Get out of the house!! I wanted to go to a show in NYC, and even bought a ticket to a cheap one, but then realized I shouldn't because all these people would be coming for Christmas and be nervous about being around me. So I didn't. I figure I supported the arts in some way.<br /></p><p>I went on a backpacking trip with just women last weekend. I figured I'd try to make new friends. And there were a couple nice women and it was good to be out. January in the SF area is not too shabby. When it's not raining. Which it would be great if it were.</p><p>Right before Christmas I got an email asking if I'd want an extra 20% to help out a program that just got funding.So I said yes. And I started two weeks ago, and was freaking out because it's been a while since I worked full time. But I'm doing ok... so far. It's a great group of people, though very busy.</p><p> OK, I'm starting to get distracted by the radio so I'm going to go. </p><p>But then I remember something. My brother almost died because his vent stopped working. Can you imagine?? It was faulty. And we found out you can't sue if there's no physical harm - emotional trauma is not enough. Sigh.<br /></p><p><br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-46126450822901481642021-10-05T16:14:00.002-07:002021-10-05T16:14:37.587-07:00I've been played<p>I realized yesterday I had been played. At least twice in my life I've fallen for the attention of a man who was providing it for a purpose. I'm making it sound horrible but it's not really. Once was sitting at a bar all by myself at least 7 years ago. Bartender paying attention to me and sort of flirting so I'd either buy another drink or give him a good tip. Forget which I did. And yesterday sea kayaking class, getting the attention of the instructor who was sort of flirting - ish and I felt special. Maybe for a good tip. And had felt really good and oh he might like me. But then saw his instagram and of course he has some young Asian chick by his side. Which, good for him! And he really did nothing wrong. It's just weird to realize I fell for it. I'm a lonely old woman seeking attention. Mostly not, but kind of a little bit yes!</p><p>What-ever. As those kids say. Or used to say.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-20210485273345767992021-08-10T11:29:00.003-07:002021-08-10T11:29:52.280-07:00Because I don't want to talk to anyone<p> I'm glad I still have this blog sometimes. I can spew out stuff that is in the moment and I don't have to explain or even feel good. I'm turning 55 in a few days and right now I feel I have done nothing of worth in my life, except for the quilts I've made. No lasting relationships and no children. That shouldn't define someone's life, but right now it is. This very moment. It's very sad to me. </p><p>I'll feel better in a little bit, for sure.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-56972943125280617262021-07-01T19:46:00.002-07:002021-07-01T19:46:21.437-07:00Had to laugh out loud<p> Went to the library for the first time in over a year. I had to lol at checkout. The two books I take out: Single on Purpose (self help book) and a romance novel.</p><p>And to top it all off today, the pest control guy asked me out! Nice to get asked out...<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-29286755199654151392021-04-29T21:11:00.001-07:002021-04-29T21:11:26.647-07:00From The Book of Two Ways<p> "One of my favorite concepts from Ancient Egypt was kheperu, or manifestations. An individual was much more than just the khat, or body. You were made up of the ib-a heart; a ka soul- a familial legacy; a ba soul - your personality and reputation; shuyez - a shadow; and ren - your name." Pg 222</p><p>Just that there is so much to us. Which is good.</p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-32298976736319441682021-04-05T15:55:00.004-07:002021-04-05T15:55:45.522-07:00Vegan Oregano Pesto<p> I have a ton of oregano out front. I decided a year or two ago to make pesto with it. And tried for the hell of it vegan pesto, with nutritional yeast instead of parmesan. It was so excellent. Problem was I didn't write down what the recipe was. Yes you can use the basic pesto recipe, but I just tried that and it's not quite as good.</p><p></p><div style="text-align: left;">2 c oregano</div><div style="text-align: left;">2 garlic cloves</div><div style="text-align: left;">1/2 tsp salt or so</div><div style="text-align: left;">1/4 c nutritional yeast</div><div style="text-align: left;">1/2 c almonds <br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">about 1/4 c or less olive oil</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Blend...</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">I know I used almonds last time. Some recipes I looked at now called for pecans. Maybe I'll try a batch with pecans... But still it's good. Just not quite so delicous as last time. Maybe it's because my yeast is old.<br /></div><p><br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-13748367764049097392021-03-14T20:24:00.001-07:002021-03-14T20:24:04.636-07:00Responsibility<p>I'll just say it: I don't want a cat anymore. I can blame it on my roommate, but in reality I don't want the responsibility and I want to sleep at night. And if I have any energy to do anything, it makes more sense for me to spend that energy on finding a boyfriend. Or becoming a monk. </p><p>So I sit here and watch games shows from the 80's. Which is a lot of fun actually. Password and Body Language. Lucille Ball was still alive and on the shows. Funny as hell.</p><p>And it's sad that I fall into the trap of not being direct about it. With M. Who is still in my life but really shouldn't be, but I keep not being able to completely walk away. <br /></p><p>OMG - ad for a razor made by Manscape called the lawnmower.</p><p>See! Nice distractions. </p><p>And he's a huge pet person and thinks the poor cat will never have a
good home. But she will. Animals are going like hotcakes. :-) And it's my life. </p><p> I might change my mind but not sure. <br /></p><p><br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-51187042742207041922021-03-10T21:20:00.002-08:002021-03-10T21:20:43.210-08:00What's this about a cat?<p> The cat I thought I would get...well I didn't. His mom was trying to tell her son that it's good he leaves before he has to and he was getting upset. And then she wasn't sure she'd actually have to find a new home. And that was overwhelming to me on Friday, so I told her Saturday I wasn't going to visit him/her Sunday. And Saturday I decided to go after Gwen who I had seen via Zoom at a shelter. Picked her up Sunday from her foster mom.</p><p>Now Gwen is 8 years old with a huge scar on her neck/back which not surprisingly she's sensitive about. She's been to one home at least, and not the right home they didn't pay attention to her needs and so she bit them. She can get sensitive...and has bit me twice even though I'm good at reading cats. But other than that, she is super sweet and super playful. Loves to sit on laps. </p><p>My roommate is NOT good with shy/particular cats. A friend said to me today that he can picture my roommate only being good with large dogs. Kinda that person that lumbers through a room, and doesn't want to pay attention, and wants a normal cat (which is interesting since he's a psychiatrist that works with homeless people). That in addition to my anxiety about making sure I don't do anything to make her upset is leading me to not keep her. (I'm in a two week trial adoption mode.) </p><p> I felt like shit at first for feeling this, and am trying to just let it sit and see how I feel. Not just react. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow so she'll help me talk it through. I just donated money to the shelter to pay for food for animals... just in case Gwen goes back. In the meantime I'm giving her a good home.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-17446303685841670062021-03-02T22:00:00.000-08:002021-03-02T22:00:28.817-08:00Tragedy and Life and Embracing Death<p> Friday we found out my youngest brother has stage 2 throat cancer. It's kinda a horrifying prospect. If chemo and radiation don't work (and feeding tube), they take out his voice box and his tongue. I'm still stunned but have not grieved. Instead, I had a migraine all day Saturday, saying to myself and others - I can't get the grief out. And Sunday morning for a few hours I was better, but then fell back down. Thing is, I know I can let it be ok. I did it in Massachusetts after visiting my brother and feeling stopped up. I let myself relax and allowed myself to physically feel ok. I didn't this time.</p><p>I'm distanced from it. My brother gets easily overwhelmed and my sister already took on the role of navigator. And she's gone all out. On all the doctor calls with him, looking up referrals, etc. Best I can do is try to support her. And the other brother with ALS who misses out on her attention.</p><p>But thankfully I had already decided and started networking about getting a cat. My therapy cat. It's friggin ridiculous here. Poof cats are gone from shelters. First cat I was offered was old, blind, few teeth, and on medication. Couldn't take that on. But my colleague's hairdresser is getting divorced and will have to live with her mom who has FIV cat, and so must give him up. 9years of living with him. I spoke with her for an hour Monday, and we bonded. I'll meet the cat (Leo - aka Chunky Monkey, or Fat Boy) and likely take him. All 19 pounds of him (her 3 year old was feeding him all he asked for). That same day I was offered 2 other cats. Raining cats. But I'm likely going with Leo. I'll post a photo of him once I get him, if I get him.<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-59252324429567243902021-02-16T20:10:00.002-08:002021-02-16T20:10:31.057-08:00From a book (romance novel)<p> I'll be honest: you've always scared me. By putting my trust in you and in our relationship, I'm exposing myself to the kind of hurt that I won't recover from easily. But I think you've earned that place, and I'm ready to take that leap. Because you've challenged me to think about the shield around my heart and who deserves to get past it. I'm certain that you're my safe space. That I can be exactly who I am with you, and you won't judge me for it. You'll actually love me for it. And I want to be that safe space for you, too. When you've had a terrible day or something's gone wrong, I want you to think of me and my arms as your place of comfort.</p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-38898313117459501412021-01-22T11:17:00.004-08:002021-01-22T11:17:53.201-08:002021<p> I didn't realize Google took over blogger... guess I should know that.</p><p>It's 2021! Crazy.</p><p>- Didn't work out with M. I'm the bull and he's the china shop. And more reasons of course. But still friends. Trying to be more removed friends. </p><p>- Brother with ALS is now losing his voice and use of right arm. Difficult to see.</p><p>- Have a year almost of 2x week yoga practice under my belt. It has helped so much in many ways.</p><p>- Try to do a daily inner smile meditation. It's changed me and changed my outlook.</p><p>- I'm able to access my emotions more easily. Case in point, I was so overwhelmed at inauguration I was crying. Never have allowed myself (OK much) to do that.</p><p>- More new projects at work and working with different people. Interesting and nice.</p><p>- Made a quilt for my old roommate. Proud of it.</p><p>- Taking up knitting again soon. Got a lot of free amazing wool...</p><p>I remember the days when blogging was done a lot by us nonprofessionals. Times change... :-)<br /></p>NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-39577733813149064502019-02-20T20:49:00.000-08:002019-02-20T20:49:11.010-08:00The passing of a DJA larger than life DJ at WFMU passed last week. X-Ray Burns. His partner in crime, Glen Jones, has been doing a few amazing broadcasts, as have other DJs. It got me thinking about what music I might want for my wake/funeral, so want to start a list for when I die, whenever that may be. All songs have a meaning, but not telling what it is. It might be in some cases that I just like the damn song! Or want to harass my loved ones who come to the funeral (not really...).<br />
<br />
In no particular order:<br />
- The Flamingos - Only have eyes for you<br />
- Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes<br />
- Counting Crows - Time and Time Again<br />
- Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle<br />
- Beatles - Here comes the sun<br />
- Einsturzende Neubauten - Silence is Sexy<br />
- Vivaldi - the Four Seasons - Spring<br />
- Sara Petite - We shouldn't be doing this<br />
- Dessa - Beekeeper (Or Old Crow, or Kites)<br />
- Nelson Eddy andJeanette McDonald -<br />
- Julie Andrews - Sound of Music<br />
- Tom Waits - Jersey Girl<br />
- Paul McCartney - Let 'em in<br />
- NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-5344477374786984432019-02-13T19:33:00.002-08:002019-02-13T19:33:48.448-08:00Happy VD!No, I do not have yet another VD. But it's the big Valentine's Day tomorrow, and surprisingly I have a valentine that you wouldn't have maybe guessed. Though, I think many would have guessed.<br />
<br />
Oh my, the saga.<br />
J and I went away for a weekend.<br />
J told me then he was going away the next weekend-ish with a woman he had mentioned before. I had no claims on him but was pissed.<br />
When he returned I told him I only wanted to be exclusive, and he chose to do that with me.<br />
Things were good, except I wanted to remain friends with M (remember M who I moved out here with?). J said it sounded like I hadn't really processed the thing with M.<br />
So I sat down with M to talk about how to be friends.<br />
M comes back to me after that weekend saying he's still in love with me. [cue the cliche meter]<br />
I was all pissed but felt like I had to process it, and so felt I needed to retreat from exclusive with J.<br />
In conversations with M, we were open, honest, and communicating like real people and not two hurt people beating on each other.<br />
Before Christmas I told J what M had said and that I was talking with him.<br />
When I was away for Christmas it was stressful to be interacting with both of them.<br />
I returned and became depressed (I had also stopped one of my meds before Christmas) because I thought I could somehow date both of them, but realized I did not have the emotional capacity to do so.<br />
So I chose M. And was very sad for a week or two, and I'm getting over it.<br />
But I'm still scared of this thing with M. Will it really work? Not sure. But I figured I spent 2018 on working on myself. 2019 will be the year of relationship work.<br />
<br />
Crazy. Stupid. Love.NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-8500315457575312092018-10-02T08:08:00.001-07:002018-10-02T08:08:57.122-07:00And, I'm offTo the races. Met a guy who I like. Have had sex which is quite good. I don't want to be in a relationship but there it is. Therapist has been away for a month+ and seeing her on Wednesday and so there will be a lot to talk about.<br />
<br />
That being said, I fear he might just be so excited to have a 'relationship' and actually have an orgasm that that's what is driving everything. He writes poetry about me, he wants to be with me, and I'm cautious. He had said he had feelings for another woman and was quite open about it on Friday and I just said screw it I'll live in the moment, and I really wanted to have sex. And we ended up spending a lot of time together on the weekend and have plans for next weekend. <br />
<br />
But in the meantime, he said he would text me last night and didn't and hasn't been in touch this morning. Focusing on the other woman? Who knows. Good thing is I can ask all these questions when we speak and from what I can tell he's honest. I don't need him being all 'gotta have you' and then pull back. I don't like being the other woman - I've been there done that and don't ever want to do it again. But it's nice to even have a fake relationship for a while, if it is fake.<br />
<br />
Oh, he's recovering alcoholic (10 months), been in a lot of therapy, and in touch with his feelings and able to communicate them. And he's ok with my issues. So, that to me is a good basis.<br />
<br />
Off to QUILTNoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-80084716181938193242018-09-16T20:03:00.001-07:002018-09-16T20:03:50.421-07:00Moving forward using all my breathYeah, the rest doesn't really apply.<br />
<br />
Seven months later... Still no second job. It's way too comfortable to only work half time.<br />
<br />
Biggest news:<br />
<br />
1) my brother was diagnosed with ALS. I've been through several stages of grief, and trying to move forward and not block out the feelings.<br />
<br />
2) I'm doing OK Cupid. It's so weird, this online dating thing. Being able to say no. Being able to say yes. It's strange. I did finally tell M that I'm doing it, and it was as if nothing had happened. Which is great. I worry and in the end that energy could have been used for something else.<br />
<br />
Like making a damn quilt for my sister!! Gotta get it done by Christmas. It will be a more traditional quilt (less creative) but it will have positive descriptive words about her all over it, so she can see it.<br />
<br />
Ho ho hoNoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-19271082630025801032018-05-15T21:34:00.000-07:002018-05-15T21:35:49.360-07:00Dumpster diving for dinnerUm, literally. I had to write this because I just can't believe I did it.<br />
<br />
There was leftover food that was out on the table everyone can access. Before she left for the day my colleague threw the remainder in the compost bin. There were not many people around today. So after my colleague left I went and pulled out the cheese cubes, containers of baba ganouj and hummus, carrot sticks, grape tomatoes, and olives. My arms in the end smelled like I had bathed in a greek dishwasher. Insane, but delicious, and free, and not wasteful.<br />
<br />
If there is any version of this is your life or a question someone I'm going to marry asks me - what was your potentially most embarrassing moment, this would be it.<br />
<br />
Though it almost ties a real embarrassing moment - freezing my vegetable scraps and egg shells and bringing them to the climbing gym to put into the compost and dropping the bag before I made it there so frozen vegetable pieces and egg shells scattered all over the floor and people had to help me pick it up. THAT happened. I think I may have left the gym that evening. I remember someone saying "are those frozen vegetable pieces??".<br />
<br />
Oh, and I feel so much better after 3.5 months of recuperation and am almost thinking about what to do in the future.NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356367299414474663.post-92194433831142236052018-02-22T08:45:00.001-08:002018-02-22T08:45:41.558-08:00Freeeeee and moreI'm free! No more stressful annoying job. Already getting too used to working half time. Unfortunately it gives me time to look at my retirement portfolio, which shows that I should be working more than full time and putting half into my retirement. Ugh.<br />
<br />
Went to help my brother who got a hip replacement. He had a rough couple weeks but is much better. It felt good to be completely removed from my current life. And it's interesting - from people's reactions for some people it's an amazing thing that I went to help, while I just consider it a normal fact of life. I'm sorry for those who do not have such support.<br />
<br />
And one nice thing happened - waiting for my transportation back to the airport some guy was wandering around finding out information about the station. Normal guy - just stopping through and curious. He walked by and looked at me and I said I was from out of town also so couldn't answer questions and smiled. And he quickly moved on but not before saying I was beautiful. So random and so nice! Feels good.NoRegretshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13240929627271129160noreply@blogger.com1