The universe tests you

 Reading All the Light We Cannot See. Seeing inside people through the words. Young boy, Nazi school. How he stands by and even participates in the indoctrination. And is aware he is, as opposed to the others who just go along. And the few who resist and stay who they are.

And I think about the way the world is turning. How atrocities are becoming the norm. And feeling helpless and standing by the side watching it without feeling I can do much.

And then I do my walk around the block. Coming towards me is a homeless man. No shoes. No jacket. My first thought is that he's ruined my morning meditation walk. How selfish and small. But I say hello and that's something. And then I realize I can do something so I offer him money. He takes it with a very articulate thanks. 

And so a little bit helps. 

But what more can I do as the world is falling apart.

Wonder if this will be me

 Did google hear me talking about this?

 Care professor Helena Larsson and colleagues in Sweden have written about a gradual “turning out of the lights” in old age. They argue that people steadily let go of life, until they reach a point where they are ready to turn off the outside world. Larsson’s team raises the question of whether this might be inevitable for us all.  

This need not be the consequence of a lifetime of suffering, or a response to intolerable physical pain. Tiredness of life also seems to arise in people who consider themselves to have lived fulfilling lives.

https://theconversation.com/tiredness-of-life-the-growing-phenomenon-in-western-society-203934?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Let me note I'm not tired of life. But having my niece graduate and seeing her just starting her life coinciding with me talking to a financial advisor about when to retire and how much money I'll need makes me realize I'm towards the end of my life (with a BIG ish). 

What do I want for the future? I'm not sure. I better figure it out soon though. I'm running out of time. I want that time to be healthy time too.

From My Oxford Year - book

 "Losing someone is hard enough. But death without the process of dying is an abomination. It takes nine months to create life; it feels unnatural, a sin against nature, that the reverse shouldn't also have its time.  Time to let go of the known as we take hold of the unknown.

Maybe in this, an Oxenford can be shared. Maybe it's not just for the person crossing the river, but also for those left on the bank. Looking into a loved's one's eyes, seeing the knowing there, the inevitability, and telling them, I love you. My love is with you to your end; yours will be with me until mine.

Because the love doesn't die, does it?

What Cecilia said at Oliver's funeral: Love well those who are dying, so that they may die in love."

The journey is over.

 The journey is over with my brother. He decided soon after I returned that he had had enough. Everyone returned to his side and we were all there when he died. Well, not literally since he died in the middle of the night - only my brother was sleeping in the room with him. We all arrived, and I needed to mark the event somehow, so found the below on his wall, and read it out loud. So perfect. Trees and he were connected, and he had deep roots. I miss him, and I miss the closeness with my siblings. It will take work to keep that up. Gotta do it.

2023 starting off

 It's a new year people! On the second day of the new year I'm treating myself right. Slept in, taking it easy. Good for me.

Came back from a rough vacation. Christmastime in the hospital. My ALS brother went to emergency room and then ICU and then RACU several days before Christmas and then after Christmas. Often kind of out of it. When in ICU we weren't sure if he would live for many days. But in the end, he continues to live though he has said no dialysis. Thing is, that doesn't mean you can't get tons of treatment for all the things that are associated with bad kidneys. It was so exhausting. I don't know how people do this long term. And I don't know how the nurses do it at all.

One thing I was proud of was calling a doctor on his language. Using the term normal brain when saying what my brother does not have. The nurse afterwards apologized and also thanked me for calling him on it. He's a resident apparently.

I  really really need to work on my health care proxy. And so should you.

M's woman is leaving later this week. Not working out. I don't know why not, but maybe I'll find out. I'm happy for the opportunity to be a better friend. I've mostly distanced myself enough to really think of it as a friendship. Which it should be. Be happy for him! And also maybe do go on a date or two.

OH made another quilt and made the recipient cry.  Yay!  ;-)

Midlife

 I wouldn't call it a midlife crisis, but it involves a lot of crying anyway. Lots of reflection on how I've basically kept people away all my life. Sort of. Such fear of getting close to people. Such fear of seeing people for who they are and accepting it and living with it. Such fear of accepting my faults. And inattention to myself and my needs. I'm much better at addressing the latter. The former... oh I'm full of regrets this woman with no regrets. Yes, there's always time and I'll get to that. But there's so much time lost. And people lost.

What is sparking this is M's gotten back together with a woman he lived with 35 years ago. It's still VERY new but I hope it works for him because he seems so excited. It means I finally am able to process my relationship with him. And understand how much I held him off. And how much I took him for granted. And how much I didn't deal with how sensitive he is and didn't listen to his needs - kind of put down his sensitivity. He only walked away once in 25 years, which is a credit to his patience and endurance. Yes there were always extenuating circumstances - my mental health, his physical health, but I so wish I would have / could have worked through it. And been nicer.

Which is kind of bullshit because it is what it is and was what it was and I just need to move forward from now. But someone said I'm allowed to wallow a little, and I am.

I hate this lens I'm looking through. It's damn clear and I see what an impact I've had over the years. MY viewpoint was right. MY needs were paramount. The way *I* wanted to communicate was the best. Sigh. Other people have walked out of my life, and rightly so. Family didn't but I'm sure there were times they wish they could/did.

SIGH. Life goes on. It will be good...but this processing shit sucks. :-)

Some writing I want to remember

 "What happened the day I met your father," she said, "is that I learned you have to choose. For better or for worse. You have ot choose what your life is going to look like. 

I tried to swallow, tried to think of what I wanted to say, what I was really thinking.  "I just don't feel like i have good choices yet,"  I said.  "It makes it hard to give up the old ones."

She waved me off. "Well. You're behind all that anyway," she said. "You're still stuck on the same part you were stuck on at seven."

"What part is that?"

"The part where you need to choose among the choices that are there, and not the ones that aren't anymore. At least not how you need them to be.  You're still stuck on some imaginary idea you have of how it could have been. You need to think about how it is now. And how you want it to be."

[...]

I was living in a small town, all alone, which would have been fine if I had chosen it for myself. But I had just not chosen anything else, and all of a sudden, it because very clear to me that this wasn't at all the same thing.

Laura Dave, London is the Best City in America