Jalapeno Corn Bread

Someone made some. Left for others to share. I took a piece. Just can't eat it. One time, years ago, I made it and for some insane reason thought I didn't need to refrigerate it. Days later I was eating a piece. Halfway through, realized it was moldy. About barfed. But can't eat it.

Sadness

Again, a diversion from the Maine stories. I desperately need to write, and thought it only appropriate on the day of nationwide sadness, September 11.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my reality started hitting me on my drive back from Maine. I thought about what I had written in my blog before leaving, that Sept. 8 would start my new life, and a part of me was kicking myself for not truly having this be my 'new life'. In reality, I can't wipe away the last six months and there is no expiration date for mourning, so I'm giving myself a break. Finally.

I'm sad. I'm sad that my relationship didn't work. I tried sooooo hard, and I don't regret anything, but I'm so sad. He really is a wonderful man, just not the wonderful man for me. I second guess that sometimes, like when I hear about other people's marriages, but I try and slap myself upside the head and remember everything I tried and more importantly, remember how I felt.

And I'm sad for my ex-ish, for putting him through all this. Ultimately he'll learn many lessons, albeit painful ones. He's lonely and alone - he called last night and told me how pathetic he felt on Saturday because the only person he spoke to was a store clerk. He knows he has to make friends, and he knows he has to put out more effort - it's just the interim that sucks, and it's difficult for him. I listen, I don't try and make things better for him because it's not my life, but I will respond to his invite and go over to his place on Saturday and have dinner with him. He needs me and I also need him - to maintain a connection. And I guess to get over some of the guilt, which is there no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

I'm sad too about not having children. I thought that would be my life, and again, he would have made a wonderful father. Being around my nieces made me think about that - and I even made a comment that my sister is my mom's favorite daughter since she gave her grandchildren. Sigh, a half joke/fear of mine. At one point when I had JUST moved I started thinking about having a child as a single woman - thankfully a friend slapped me upside the head and said, why don't you get yourself settled first. I know. I know. And at a time when I was thinking about all this, I got some free moving boxes from a woman who had just moved to a two bedroom who was going to foster a child, as a single woman. So there are options out there if I want them. I just need time to mourn all this and get myself straight.

On a different but related note, my performance review is today. The last year was such a difficult one, and I maintained myself ok, but of course I didn't excel, and I did make mistakes, and as my therapist says, I need to own up to that while not beating myself up about it. So much energy was devoted to my personal life, I had none for work. Once my housing situation was finalized a month or two ago, I suddenly had energy for work - imagine that. So this year will be better and I just have to remember that. Of course, I wore a suit to make myself feel professional, but of course, I forgot my bra! Guess I'm not taking off my suitcoat, darn it.

Maine stuff

So, moving from people to stuff.

Here's one of the main (ha) crops -- blueberries. My brother took one of my nieces blueberry picking, and this is the result. These are high bush, cultivated blueberries, which you can tell by the size of the berry. Wild blueberries are of course better, and my brother had bought my mom a container, but those were eaten by this time (day 2 :-) )



I forgot to include a photo, but one of my favorite things to do is go to the farm that sells pick your own flowers. The kids had a great time, even though before going there they thought it would be booorrinnng (oh how I hate that word). The cabin had many bouquets. But anyway, on the way there I saw in someone's yard a bin with a free sign on it, which always calls to me. Free warped produce, such as this. Swan cucumber!



Then on a walk the girls and I found a very flat snake. Not yet identified.



And finally, I went to an estate sale on the first Sunday. It's kinda odd because this woman only holds the sale on labor day weekend and she's been selling off this one woman's stuff for 4 years. Anyway, I saw this on the wall. It's needlepoint, but has quilting patterns on it. Beautiful colors and really well done. Though I'm trying not to spend money, I thought $35 was a good price. There was one next to it that had the date 1880 on it. I don't this is that old, but it's still pretty damn old.



There's the stuff of Maine 2008.

I digress from Maine to Palin

Just found this great site: FreakingNews where they ask people to photoshop crazy photos to go with news stories.

One of the more recent tasks was re: Palin, of course. Below is one of them. Not my favorite, which was the Pitbull with Lipstick, but that one was a little too out there to scare people with.

Maine photos

The 'free' computer I have at home works, and I was able to get photos off my camera last night. What a miracle! I'll have several posts, even though my vacation was not nearly as exciting as Churlita's.

I'm starting with the kids. My nieces were there for a few days and it's always great to have kids around, until they start fighting and complaining, of course. But that's why mom is there.

The kids loved the lake and really wanted to fish and be in the boat. Alas, the fishing kinda sucked this year, so even with worms they caught nothing. They did see me catch some, so at least they saw some fish! (but more on my fishing later). So if you can't catch them, feed them off the dock.



But the boat is fun, at 'high' speed...



Low speed in the channel, looking for turtles and fish...



And medium speed tempting fate and singing the state song...



But the best is either steering (no photo for this) or doing donuts at high speed with your crazy aunt driving the boat. (there's a great video of this)

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PS, had my first ever dream with a blogger in it that I haven't met! pretty cool. Will not say who it was... ha.

For Susan and Tera but not for Heather

Susan, because she is stalking. Tera since she wrote about shit. Heather hates beets.

Did you know that if you eat enough fresh beets at one time that not only will your doodoo turn red, but also your urine? I was very scared yesterday until I realized that's what it was. Mmmm, fresh beets from a farm in Maine.

On the road

Sunday, and stopped in NJ at my mom's so I could break up my ride back home. Half of the ride I was driving in Hannah (somehow that statement seems so wrong, but I'll leave it in), so it was interesting to say the least. I've read a little bit of blogs, but will have to do more later. My kitty calls me - poor thing was left alone for 4 days because of a set of circumstances related to the people taking care of him - so I have to give him attention.

I'll have a bunch o' posts about my vacation.

But first, part of what I wanted to do was to clear my head and find some peace. There are various theories on how to do this, and not sure I found the right one for me, but it was good enough. I decided to not think about my life, I just wanted to experience nature and to a certain extent my family (mom, 2 brothers, sister, nieces, sister in law). I felt a twang as I set up the tent on the deck, since it's my ex-ish's tent and we'll not be sharing it anymore. But for the most part I just existed.

There were a few times when I felt something 'taking care of' me. Or at least something else.

Once when I was sitting on the dock on Friday. My family was all off doing something else, and I sat in a chair reading, getting sun, feeling the wind, and dipping my foot in the water. I looked up occasionally to appreciate the view of the pond/lake, and thought that I really should go swimming one last time, but didn't want to deal with going to the beach (o so far away - like a 5 minute walk) or showering or whatever. So I turned my chair so I could get both feet in the water, leaned forward to get them in, and was promptly dumped in the water by my chair. I had the presence of mind to throw the book on the dock, which was pretty cool, but the rest of me went in. I got right back on the dock and just started laughing, because it really felt like some force was telling me to not be lazy and get your butt in the water.

The second time, I was driving back, it was raining, and I was on the phone with my ex-ish talking about various stuff, and he tells me my lawyer filed for the divorce, and how he was surprised and it didn't feel good. As we're talking, an indicator light goes on in my car. So, we hung up, and I got off the next exit and went to the nearest gas station to stop and see what the light meant, a bit worried needless to say. Thankfully it was just the low tire pressure indicator, and I called my ex-ish back to let him know and get advice on what pressure to put in. And almost started crying talking to him, because I also didn't expect the divorce filing to happen so soon, or had just put it out of my head. After dealing with the tires, with help from my Toyota guy about the light who happened to be at his desk (who's great), I was feeling very sad and wondered who I should call/could call to talk it out, and looked to my right and saw a sign for Del's lemonade. It truly was the one thing that could make me feel better at that moment. It's a RI treasure - the perfect balance of sweet and sour - and I miss it often. I've never seen it outside of RI, and so I went in and got a large and also a sandwich, both of which were the best things for me at the moment, and my sadness went away, thanks I believe in part for forces aligning and me having the presence of mind to notice it.

I drove off into the rain to continue on my trek home.

(Monday starts a new project for me as well as dealing with a week of emails/work not done, so might not post...or rather should not post. And don't yet have internet at home.)