Controls on hold

I need to start writing down in a calendar when I feel certain ways, so I can keep track.

I will confess that I did a very horribly stupid thing this morning. Thing is, I felt disconnected from it. And so it sends up red flags. Part of the disease, but doesn't make it right.  In any event, I was in a threesome and didn't tell them I had herpes.

Ha.

No, I was driving to work, and there was construction that was being cleared so it was all backed up. I was doing the right thing, I thought, by merging behind this truck. Thing is, the woman in the Prius didn't think so. She wouldn't let me in. Even came very close to hitting my car, as I was trying to push it in front of her. So, when I got over to the left of the two lanes and it turned out she had to merge in front of me, I didn't let her in - but she was pushing pushing it. The car in front of me end up letting her in, and traffic cleared soon after so she zoomed off.

Oh my, this is embarrassing.

So, I zoomed after her.  Up to 100 miles per hour so I could get in front of her and put on my brakes.  How horribly dangerous is that? So she zoomed off to the right of a pickup and he decided he wanted to zoom off, which then kicked up a bunch of big rocks from his tires. One of which hit my windshield and made a divot. Which I thought was well deserved - my instant karma. But it didn't stop me from continuing to harass her until I exited. I won't go into further details.

And then when I touched the divot to see how bad it was, I cut my finger. And again, I felt good because a little more instant karma. I was hoping I wouldn't get really what I deserved, which was my headache from Monday that lasted for three days and finally went away.

And then when I got home today, I felt disconnected again, and yelled quite forcefully at the other cat when he tried to get out the door.

Thing is, I had my psychiatrist check up today. But they decided today to have someone sit in to view, and I was uncomfortable. And it seems I can put on a good show these days. Pft. What difference does it make if I fool my psychiatrist, when it only hurts me in the end?

Arg.  Danger danger danger.

Alternate universes in my backyard

So, on this what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, I will share with you some interesting knowledge I acquired last night. 

A guy I climb with (NOT the one I go to Tuolumne with) I've known for a while now. He's very direct, frank, open, non-judgemental... He asks very personal questions but you don't mind answering because it's not like he'll laugh in your face or go tell someone.

I was going to say I don't remember how I got on the topic, but now I do. M and I went to his house right before M moved.  I forget why we went, but M and he bonded over his workshop and I finally met the missus. Oh, and he sent me some email afterwards about how he was staring at my boobs.

HUH?

So, next time I saw him I asked him what that was about, and supposedly at some point early on I made some comment to him in jest about why he wasn't commenting on my boobs. Whatever. I made sure to tell him I was not interested in a relationship with him. Or even a quickie. Throughout the course of the evening he let it slip that he and his wife are swingers. So I made it clear that I was not interested in a quickie with his wife either, or both of them together.

But last night I learned a lot about the life. SO ODD. And it's real.
- She had a boyfriend for 6 years. When they were married.
- His wife told him to invite her friend over when she was away. Not to play cards.
- They are going on a cruise together with 1,000 other people. Who swing.
- He and his wife had a third one weekend, and the woman's husband dropped her off at the hotel to spend the night.And they had them over for dinner the next weekend. Only to eat.

And this one I don't agree with him about. I asked him about diseases, and aren't you afraid. He said it's almost impossible odds that you would get AIDS (well, he said you won't... because people get tested). And the only other two to worry about are herpes and hpv. He got herpes several years ago, and used to tell people before doing anything with them. But then realized that noone really gets tested, and some doctors won't even test. So now he doesn't even tell. Since 40% of the population has it and doesn't even know it anyway.  Dont' know that I agree with that, at all. Nope. But, it's not my life.

And just fyi, he said if some person says that his/her spouse have an agreement that they can have sex with others, the only way you really know it's real is if you can ask the spouse that question. Not a surprise I guess. Don't trust the sex addicts! 

Sort of interesting situation

So, interesting situation. I have become friends with someone I worked with back east - she and her husband moved to a place 1/2 hour away a little over a year ago. I have gone out several times with them in the last year.And she and I have done things together. She has two sons, and they both have had issues. One had to move back home, and loves strange music. So, he was very interested to hear I was a DJ. Last time I was at their house, he gave me about 15 CD's, one by one, explaining what kind of music and giving the background of the band and a review. So, I'm trying to get him to be a DJ, and also giving feedback on the music. Turns out he's hilarious (and rather ADD). 

My friend is 62 and he must be 30?, so I'm situated in the middle. I am NOT looking to date him, but it would be fun to be his friend. So, can I really do that?  I'm wondering. May make for some awkward situations. I'll likely try, and talk with my friend about it at some point.

In my head and in my heart

Well, at least what's in my head. Thing is, it's good for me to be retreating into myself. If there's only me, I have to be good to me and listen to me. Trouble is, sometimes I don't even want to be with me. I don't like me. Distractions do help. Or is it reaching out to others that helps? Making some sort of connection?  Expect very little from myself and I'll achieve it. Fast moving water doesn't run deep.

 

Somehow late last week, we someone decided that we wouldn't talk every day. I can't figure out if he decided or I did. I know it's not happening. I'm kinda ok and I"m kinda not. I think he's getting settled and needs me less. Perhaps also he thinks I"m doing fine and doesn't need to touch base with me every day. Or just tired of it. Pft. I'm tired of me. I pulled out my wedding album because I can use a scanner at work (after hours) and I promised my ex a long time ago that I'd make him a copy of it. That was before the breakdown, so not sure if he still wants it, but at least I will fulfill my promise.And I'm so disconnected from it, but not. I was tough to live with them. Seems I'm tough to live with now. 

And here, earlier, is where I went down bad roads. It's good I have two quilts I owe people since that keeps me going - gives me a purpose - keeps me alive. Yeah... great wonderful thoughts. At least they are passing thoughts and I'm not wallowing. A good thing. But I am tired.

But, I have read a great book (The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss - fantasy) and a not so great book (Kook - Peter Heller -  about surfing) and a good book, a poetic one, but I just couldn't deal with it (Edgar Sawtelle). And I'll keep reading...

Success

I'll start off with success.  Shot down two guys who expressed interest in me. One was actually a guy who applied to be my roommate. Though he eventually took away his application, he kept offering to fix my bike, so what the hell, why not (after much back and forth of, I want to pay you, you don't have to, I don't know when I'll be around, how about next week...).  It was obvious when he was here that he wanted to get together again. Nice guy, so sure, as long as I send him an email saying I don't want to date ANYbody.  He's odd. Very aloof in person. Doesn't like bluntness (I said, well, nice knowing  you) - though it was strange for my landlord to come right out and ask, so why are you moving.  Huh?

And the other was a very nice Italian who I worked with. He was more complicated because I had gotten very close - friend - and I had to repeatedly say no. Not always so good at it, like went to a date-like movie, but stuck to my guns-ish over time. Nice guy, and was very open with his thoughts/feelings, and gentle when I would cross a line (be rude-ish). But nope!  (Truth be told, that one was aided by I wasn't too physically attracted...but don't tell him that).

I never know when I should take an anti-anxiety med or if I should just 'get over' what's going on in my head. Is this part of the struggle of having bipolar II?  What does it mean to struggle?  Though I must say, I'm tired of even these minor mood swings. Arg.  But considering how bad it could be, I'll live with it. Or need to at least learn to live with it and not expose others to it too much. I think about the times I exude energy and reach out to others even on a casual basis - people want that, they are attracted to it. I just am not that, at least not enough.  And that's where I need to learn to live with what I am. 

OK, gotta go exercise and work.  Time is running out - I think two more weeks. Gotta get another temp job, though a real job would be much better.  Have to keep connecting. Keep looking. Be aggressive in a nice way. Learn from people who do.

zzzzz....

Grave last night/this morning.  It is so good to be back. And I only have three more to go - woo hoo!  but boy will I need them. Made much mistakes. And damn I'm tired. But it's nice to reach out and do something I like. Can only worry about life the universe and everything for so long.

Last week at work I was sitting at my desk when hop plop a grasshopper landed on my desk. Jumped up and squealed. This, mind you, is a cubicle in an open concept office. So everyone was very startled and concerned. Until I explained and pointed. And then they laughed and walked off, and it jumped again, and I squealed again. I hate jumping things.  So I was on edge, especially after moving my two bags and emptying them out outside to get rid of the cricket and not finding it. But I calmed down.

Next shot in the movie: woman steps out of shower to get her towel and there sitting in a perfect view is a criket. SQUEAL!

Last weekend was the culmination of me not wanting to be open to anyone or anything. Not sure why I went to visit a friend.  But today I am better.  Helps that today was sunny in SF - sat down by the boats with a friend and had brunch.

Yawn... bed is calling me.

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and me.  [so, does that mean I'm neither?]

Organizing house. Cats still not hanging out happily. Last month of temp job. Thankfully still single (talking to M every day helps that...)