Daydream

by Sue Ellen Pector

Of hunger's many faces
I dream,
fresh food to eat,

clothing, sans rips and patches,
that fits and warms,

closeness, fun, laughter
and rest.

In Praise of Older Hungry Women

by George Wynn

In my San Francisco of the 1950s
older latdies wore gloves
shopping at the Emporium

Now we see on Market Street
older ladies with outstretched palms
and worn-out clothes with cardboard
"give what you can" calling cards
in front of them reminding us of
Dorothea Lange's ruined women
of the Great Depression

If you and I enter a trance
to escape the image of
their present circumstance
and go back in time we might see
 young dreamy faces even after
a hard day's work on the factory line
or young hearts sore but full of fight
after a long day of blows on
a post-war picket line

Who knows, we just might get a
true picture of their elegance

Pride goeth before a fall

I've been thinking that I just had way too much pride. Oh, I could be doing so much more I thought. Others thought so too. Yet that pride helped me get where I am. Got told there's no way I'll get a raise any time in the near future. And the next day was handed a written warning to go into my HR file.

So, I realize what I am, and I will work with it and not expect anything more. I will not be in this job forever, but right now I need it.

I had my third DBT appointment and I think it'll be good for me. Part of me rebels and says it's just Californians who can't deal with sharp east-coasters. But the skills I will learn will help I am sure.

So, I'm spending some of my savings to buy a new computer and am going to try and move forward with photography and such to make a little extra money and expand my horizons.

I am beaten down but am not broken.

DBT

So my psychiatrist recommended I look into DBT.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which is like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but different. Click the link and find out.

Happily there's someone near me who practices it, so I'm going to try. I went today and she seemed pretty good. The problem is that the approach deals with really focusing on what you are doing and analyzing it. Arg. I have to go back to that.

See, today I started thinking about / freaking out about the possibility of losing my job. Where would I go? What could I ever do? Anxiety rose... If I wasn't able to push it away, I would have been lost in the spiral of despair. So I fear getting lost in the spiral. But hopefully part of the learning is learning how not to. I assume so. 

EEOC

Had the rug pulled out from under my feet on Wednesday. My general manager had a discussion with me that he has noticed and others have commented to him that I have been... and I forget the exact phrasing. Irritable? Negative? But basically he said if it continued then I would be gone. Not those exact words. He did say he'd be willing to help me by calling attention to the times I do it - so it's not like he already made up my mind and I am gone which is GREAT.

So, I know I've had a couple reactions that were completely outside the realm of how a normal person would react. But I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not. So, it's time to go into survival mode. And that means I have to register as a person with a disability and get accommodation. The only accommodation I want is time to go to a therapist every week and not have to make up the time.  I also have talked to a friend at work and asked that we go for a walk several times a week at lunchtime. Get out of the office. Smooth out my day.

Let me tell you, I may sound calm, but it SUCKS. I do not want to label myself. I don't want to be protected by the EEOC and ADA. But realistically, I have occasional extreme responses. I am overly irritated at times. And I need to be protected. If I lose this job, I really don't know what I would do. Likely continue on, but my initial bad thoughts were that I would give up.

We have a external management company - PEO it's called. So I called our contact there and 'came out'. And, as often is the case, you start talking about your mental health issues and the person you are talking to has a relative or friend with a mental health issue. In this case, her daughter has bipolar. Regular bipolar which I consider to be so much more difficult. Not that I live it... but it just seems like it would be worse. She has done some investigation about the process - it is of course complicated. But I will have help, which is a great thing.

I just so happened to have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, so it was good to discuss. I might get a referral for a therapist. I hate hate hate the idea of a therapist. I don't want to be thinking about this and looking at my navel again, but I have to. I have to figure out ways to deal with this and not cause more issues. And keep the job. And maybe in the process get better at maintaining relationships.

Lordy.  Here are a couple dahlias to smooth out this post. I saw the results of a competition in Golden Gate Park.  I think it's my new favorite flower.

No return

Went to Tuolumne and it was cloudy. My normal climbing partner wasn't there - went with two newbies, and with my normal climbing partner not there it was like I was a newbie. We were smart enough to know we needed to do one-pitch climbs, but not smart enough to know we couldn't even do that on this particular day. So, found the climbs and it started hailing on us. Cold!  Then it was a cold wet rain. We were going to wait it out (spooning and hugging to keep warm) but one was too cold, so we walked down in the rain. The climbs we were going to do were waterfalls, and we walked through a stream. My wonderful new waterproof boots did amazing, as well as my rain jacket that I had not yet tested.

So we went out of the park down to the Mobil Mart / Whoa Nellie Deli at about 3:00. Spent hours there having a good time. Then we heard that the pass was closed!  The pass we needed to use to get back into the park to our campground. Ooops. With no rooms available in Lee Vining, we had to go to Mammoth Lakes.

It sounds like an epic, but it was actually fine. The three of us took it in stride and still had fun. I must say, the two of them were the leaders of the fun, and I hitched along for the ride. They are young and intelligent and energetic.

The next morning we stopped at Panum Crater to hike a little since we weren't sure when the pass would open up. The lake in the background is Mono Lake.

Despite the sign saying that the pass was still closed, we drove up. And got in. And got to the campground. And found my tent collapsed. Inches of wet snow!!!

Given all that, we didn't climb that day either, even though it was at least 60 degrees in the sun. But again, we still had fun.

Also saw the Rim Fire devastation. Which, apparently isn't a bad thing. I thought it was bad if the trees were completely destroyed, but apparently there is wildlife that depends on that happening. So, I don't feel so bad that it looked like this:

Handy

Ha, get it? M and I went to Tahoe and had a great weekend (well, except for a bump). It's so nice to spend a few days with him and be able to walk away. As I'm sure he feels it too. As a matter of fact, I know it!  I called him today and he said he was thinking of me. I asked if he was cursing me or missing me. He said something like he was used to having me around. I just laughed since it was neither - his honesty is good though it can hurt sometimes!

The kids had this crawfish, and let him hold it. They offered it a sibling's claw but he was having none of it. He did manage to pinch the hell out of M's hand!

What was kind of sad, though I applaud her for it, is that the kids' mother saw me walking by and asked me to delete the photos I took of the kids. I was kinda shocked, though I understand. I showed them to her - there was one I was going to delete anyway and did while she watched. But I showed the rest and she let me keep them. I could have deleted but I wanted her to see also that I wasn't doing anything bad with them.

I still feel it's good to keep people an arm's length away, but at least I'm acting more normal.

Below is a storm that I was taking photos of. It never came close, but boy was it beautiful!