In the Void

I still go over to Melsdream, one of the few blogs I originally followed that is still going strong. I guess writing blogs is out of favor. But one of the more recent posts was about sitting in the void - the space between things that are happening. Relationships ending, etc. I'm trying to do that, and trying to learn lessons.

The guy who I bonded with immediately but to whom I have no physical attraction keeps driving by my area but hasn't been able to stop. He has issues with his parents, exactly like I had with my mom. So I'm trying to support him. I really do enjoy his company and feel at home when I talk to him. It comes in spurts because he has tons of friends, including women friends. But after/during a recent spurt, I felt hurt that he didn't call me back after we were interrupted mid-conversation. I want to be important! I want the deep connection, when *I* want it. But you want it - back off until I want it.

Ugh.

All this relationship nonsense. How can I even think about being in one when I am still working on having a good one with myself? Can someone really walk alongside you and not tread all over you (either through them or me throwing myself under their feet). I suppose.

Still missing Billy.

Trying to do my photography stuff. I actually went and am printing a couple photos on good paper to see what they turn out like. $100 for three prints. That betta' be good!  I am quite excited actually. Thing is though, what for?  Why do I have this yearning to reach out and get my stuff out there? Would I ever make a living off it?  Likely not. Then why? Maybe just to share my vision of the world I suppose. To see the beauty/craziness and let others see it through my eyes. Except the blind people of course. Ha.

And though I gave my notice about leaving my job things are actually going quite well there. I'm half time at two places and it works because I don't have to be completely committed to either. That about sums up my life I think. But two jobs, neither of which I care much about. And one longing to share images for what purpose?  What the hell am I doing?

Typing in a blog.

Words

I think of him now, ragged and lost, staggering across a desert, the path behind him littered with all the shiny little pieces that life has ripped from him.

Khaled Hosseini
And the Mountains Echoed

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death. Reading that, I finally cried.

My regret tonight is not comforting her when we were both pretending to sleep, the night before my father's funeral. Too few words, not enough hugs.

Dreaming of Billy

Taking a mental health day today. My psychiatrist is making me do it - saw him yesterday. It's a good good thing. And apparently helping me come to terms with things. I dreamt of Billy last night. He had just finished eating and was cleaning up, and also laid down and rolled happily. Then later he jumped up on the bed and I was surprised I could feel his weight. I knew in the dream he was a ghost and was so happy to see him.

I did a radio show Wednesday night in honor of him. Remembering.  And then later that evening figured out it was the anniversary of my mom's death. So felt guilty I didn't do anything for her. But honestly I think that was on purpose subconsciously. I didn't want to remember her death day. Her birthday is later this month and would rather remember that. But yes, I should do both.

It's interesting that people seem to be much more comfortable expressing sympathy about the death of my cat versus my mom. It's less scary I suppose. Certainly true of M. I appreciate it all.

So off to see flowers and have lunch with a friend. After exercising. All the shit I really have to do can come tomorrow - so out of my head dammit!

Billy Boy

The angel of death arrived in a white Prius carrying her bag of mercy.

I love that line. I made it up.

Billy Boy is gone. So very sad, but he had a good death. Unfortunately I don't really want to get into it now. Suffice to say he was riddled with cancer and I only found out Sunday and put him down on Monday. He didn't really suffer too too much, and I think he was ready. Or so the ones left behind like to think.

M flew up for it.

The big sigh was the last breath from him. Sitting on my lap like he had done so many times. Really truly I so miss my Billy boy.

Below is a faceplant - he's not dead there. But his last morning of love had petting and combing and grass and treats and scratching and.... a faceplant in my lap.

Realization

So I've been figuring out that in the past whenever I had a personal problem my first instinct would be to go to someone else to talk to/help me out/take responsibility for it. This big realization and change to take control/responsibility has come in the last 6-12 months.  I just realized today that I do the same thing in my work. And it needs to stop now.

And we're off....

A new day

And after a couple weeks of making changes in my life, it's much better. I am working only full days, and the half day is worked remotely. It's made a huge difference. And actually I like my new boss way better than the old. Maybe because she's a woman?  Not sure. I work better with her, and so far so good. I gave my notice, and was all set to leave end March, and then she says today that she wants me to stay until July.

I just had a really odd day. An ex from long ago via FB asked about my and his physical relationship and what the issues were, since he's having issues with his wife. And the guy I met who I have no physical attraction to but with whom I am instant friends really appreciated my text telling him to go see a counselor. Oh, neither of those sentences explain anything.

And I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

The point is, it's ok to not be physically attracted to someone that you feel very close to. 

Blind Spot

So in my review on Friday my boss, whose last day was Friday, talked about blind spots. How you think you might know your strengths and weaknesses, but you might not. I thought I was doing ok, but I wasn't, and it was heartbreaking to me. By all rights, I should have been fired. But I have one last chance, since he's gone and my new manager is starting with a clean slate. But I've been working two separate jobs and apparently it's not working, so I'm going figure out a plan to get out within 3 to 6 months. If I can last that long. But I'm hoping that if I have an end date in mind with the idea that I'll make sure that any transition planning as smooth as possible, all will be ok and I'll be able to focus and leave a good impression.

The thing that's hard here is to really know what the problem is. Is it me and horrible working style? Is it the stress of working two jobs throwing my mood out of kilter?  I think it's interesting that I noted to my sister that I've been feeling a little less stable, and I attributed it to losing weight and so my meds must be off. Didn't think of, duh, two jobs. Maybe the stress of that is throwing me off kilter. 

I should feel demoralized and I do a little, but with the idea that I'm leaving, I have energy I think. And I'll make it happen well.

I was so sad to say goodbye to my old boss. He really for the most part was so great to work with, and so funny and we got along so well. And I'll likely never see him again. That added to my crying jag. He was very sad too, and gave me a hug goodbye. Damn, I'm almost tearing up right now.

I remember very few times when I had full brain capacity. And I work so well when it's there. But like Friday, I couldn't answer a simple question and follow a conversation.  And Wednesday, I had so many thoughts doing bumper car runs that I couldn't focus. How the hell do I work with that?

Gotta find a way.