Coming Out

I'm back home from the Christmas holiday and don't have the energy to do much and don't quite want to go to bed yet, so I'll spill my guts.

I said I had big news, and boy, do I. I now have a significant other. That is not a cat. It's a person you know through my blog. Someone who EVERYONE would guess and suggest, but never in a million (OK, 14) years would WE have guessed and suggested.

It's M, the guy who's been helping me with my house. Yeah, like I said, maybe everyone else could see it coming for a million miles or years, but we did not. Really truly. People don't believe that, but it's true. T-R-U-E. Though, it doesn't matter one bit if noone believes us, even my ex.

Because, you see, it's one of those things that makes you start to think the love songs all make sense. That feels comfortable despite the tremendous terrified feeling that existed right before the switch happened from friend to significant other. That allows the change to happen as it will, with understanding and compassion and trust and love and humor, with the lessening-in-frequency pauses to say 'this is odd, odd, odd'. That you CAN have it all in relationship - friendship, love, sex, humor, respect, and more.

It happened in J-tree. I didn't trust it at first. Well, yes and no. It was going to be 'just a CA thing.' But then we talked a lot when he was still away. We talked a lot when he got back. He walked in my door the first time after CA and we looked at each other and said 'this is weird'. But, ya know, it's well worth the terror and adjustment and fear. It's well worth possibly losing any sort of relationship with my ex, forever (he was not happy, to say the least). It's well worth the adjustment of how I saw my life folding out in front of me.

But there are still moments of fear. Like just now when I went to write his age, I realized that I am much more comfortable writing that he's 12 years older than me than that he is 55 (!!!). So, before writing that sentence, I called him up and told him that. Because that's what we do. Some quotable quotes: "Age is just a number, but it's much more than that." "I can't believe I'm that fucking old." "It's a low number when talking about the speed limit, but otherwise, not so much." "I don't think of you as any younger than me." That last one, maybe not so quotable, but I forgive him - I understood the concept.

No, he's never been married. But engaged twice(ish). And part of the reason he never married is that it never felt right. He wanted it all. And had given up hope that it would arrive. And, suddenly, I appear. So, he's quite mushy about it all, and all his friends all over the world want to meet me (OK, well at least 3 in the US). He's self aware and has learned all the necessary communication skills for being with a woman (#1 - patience... :-) )

And just so you don't think it's all roses and lollipops, again, it's been requiring an adjustment because I thought I'd marry a younger guy and have a family, etc. And I know his quirks and annoyances already and he knows mine and we don't keep quiet about our opinions of them.

But I took him home for the holidays, and he not only endured, but also enjoyed. And liked and was liked. So, likely CA will greet us together in late spring.

(so, cynics, ha on you. you can indeed have it all. it may take longer than you want. there may be way too much pain to get you to the point. but if you stay open to the possibilities and are willing to take terrifying leaps, great things CAN happen. you can also get run over by a truck, but neither one is possible without the leap.)

some craziness for you

Dream

So, I'm visiting my brother and in the dream he lives in a high building with office building type windows (flat, not openable, or so I thought). I was near the window and I realize it opens. And I'm hanging onto the sill, which is very narrow, and realize the building is leaning, and thus there is a possibility that I might fall out / I get vertigo. So I'm freaking out, can't move, even though my brother is trying to get me to move. But I'm freaked.

And then the building starts bending over like it's a straw, and I tell my brother to hang on, and I see somehow another place in the building getting upended. And the building comes back up straight and I realized that it was a dream and I made the building bend over and come back up to see that I could survive this really horrible thing, so I felt perfectly comfortable letting go of the window and stepping away from it.

Hmm... can you tell there's stuff going on in my life? Which I will indeed share, before the end of the year. It's another reason I'm not writing as much. But I think of you all and hope you are well.

Snow blast!

good retort

As I came in the morning, the two door guys were there. Somehow we got to the topic of scary movies (I know the somehow, but it's really not all that interesting). The one guy (older one) starts going off how he loves the Chucky movies and Freddy Kruger movies and even the Saw movies. I couldn't believe it. The other guy liked them too! I said 'I've lost all respect for you two.' Retort from younger guy: Go ahead. They're just movies. Damn. Can't mess with him.

Bell ringing - Salvation Army

I should be working, but had to share. I volunteered to stand out side and be a Salvation Army person this weekend. Only for 1 hour. Ringing the bell. Although I drove myself nuts with the sound of the bell, it was a neat experience. I felt a little crazy when I first started, in part because noone was around. And I stood there ringing. Eventually people walked by, since I was next to a UPS store. I tried to just smile - not be aggressive, since 'tis not the season to be aggressive.

Slowly people started going by and dropping money in. The best experience was always when a parent got a kid to put money in. One kid (2 yo?) put it in and was fascinated by my ringing. When she came out of the store I let her ring my second small bell. She stood there holding it and ringing and was so cute. And let me tell you, child labor rocks! Several people who were nearby gave BILLS (including I think a $10 bill) while she stood there. It was an unexpected benefit from the experience - I had only intended to make the child happy.

Lesson learned from the day: I will never pass by a bell ringer again without giving money. Though I may critique their form.

Friday feelings

(taken from WFMU home page)