Selectively Neglected

Ah yes, it's been a while. Missed you all! And at least one of you missed me, since she had to call and get an update on my life rather than read this blog. ;-)  It's all a plot on my end to get phone calls. Ha.

But her comment was, well life must be going well since you haven't written on your blog. Hmm.. That's mostly true. Thing is, I get things in my head I want to talk about/write about, but I can't do it at work anymore. Gone are the days when I wasted a lot of time at work to vomit out my feelings.  And evenings have been busy - I've chosen other things to focus on for the moment.

Work is going really well. I had a trip for work, and that went great. It was nice to be seen out of my normal context, which at the moment is still at a lower level than I would like. My boss is great. My coworkers are great. And life is overall great. The one bad thing at the moment is my mom is starting to get aggressive. It's so sad to have that happen when she's been so calm and nice her whole life. I don't have to experience it in person and I truly thank god for that. We'll try to figure something out that's not medication, at least in the beginning.

I did see an old friend on my trip, who I haven't seen in 10 years. So nice to just jump right in. She's one of those women too who just have men pop up when one is out the door. It's nuts. I'm struggling to keep my distance and still get to know some guys.

I just had one guy say to me yesterday how he would like to know if there's even a chance for something in the future. There was of course a longer story, and he wasn't pushing (at least intentionally). I appreciated him being willing (and able!) to say what was on his mind. I was upset initially because I thought he wasn't going to to want to speak with me ever again. I was very flustered, and babbled, but eventually stopped speaking. I was glad I stopped speaking, as I may have started promising something I don't want to deliver on. I truly don't want a relationship right now, but then again, I want to get to know great people. Seems like I can't have it both, but we'll see. As I was talking with my roommate, I realized all I can do is be honest about where I am, and if he, for instance, chooses to do something or nothing because of that, well, that's his choice. And I have to be true to myself and not promise something just to keep people in my life.

It pisses me off sometimes that getting to know guys always comes with the relationship tag, but that's the way of the world.

It's funny that he and other people see me as being so positive and outgoing. Maybe I'm beginning to become a new me? I have to be sure I don't continue to argue with them and say that's not me. "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are yours."  

Homeless poetry

I went to a show on Thursday night - music. Thollem Mcdonas and an amazing drummer, improvising. Really incredible. See his site. Fingers flying and such a grasp of music.

Outside the venue there was a homeless woman selling Street Spirit - "Justice News and Homeless Blues in the Bay Area". So I bought one.

The whole issue is poetry, and some is pretty damn good. I'm going to periodically post some.  Here's one:

Scapegoats
by Joan Clair

"Their transgressions, even all their sins...he shall put upon the head of the goat and shall send him away into the wilderness."  -- Leviticus

I feel the weight of collective sin in the soup
kitchen, not to be escaped on the crushed
shoulders of those eating silntly there,
eathing the lie they have nothing to share,
a bread so heavy it hasn't the leaven
to lift thier souls to a new have.
I smell wafts of scapegoats in the air.
And there are those who would do more
than allow a few to feed
the bodies and souls of those in need.
To solve the plight of those they want unseen
they'd drive them entirly out of sight
from their solitary ghettos
into the wilderness
bearing all our sins.

Building a trail

So that's the before and after (not exactly the same place, but you get the idea. A lot of work, but a lot of fun!  That pile of rocks is the basis for the small rock wall I built. So much fun. And then it was covered in dirt.

Stay on the outside layer

So, writing before I go do trail work because I can't get it out of my head. Perseveration!!!

I just think that it's best for me to maintain the glossy exterior of someone who is kind, pleasant, intelligent, etc. Don't go any deeper to see the insecurities, the social mistakes, etc.

Work:
- Got to know one woman, who is outgoing towards everyone, and in a nice way. Not rough around the edges like me. Peeking through the glass to see if the pizza guy came for the group lunch yesterday, I kept peeking. She was in front of me and looked at me like 'what you doing girl? are you nuts' (in a nice, funny way). I just made a comment that I was trying to see down her shirt. Now, if I were a guy, she could sue me. It wasn't really funny. I don't know why I said it. To be crass? I guess. The guy next to me was like 'what?'.
- Wrote a reply to an email that was copied to tons of people catching someone on a very nitpicky point, when it could have easily been just ignored. Great introduction to all these people.
- Was negative twice in the group presentation. Why do I need to be negative?

I don't need to let to let the Jersey out. It's ok if she stays in.

Personal:
- get a little closer to someone, and start the negative interpretations. Actually I have started doing that even at work. I need to stop.

I'll blame it all on the fact that I haven't climbed in 2 weeks. Sigh. Wish I could.

OK, off to do trail work.

All the things I didn't say

I may get really addicted to Twitter when I get my iPhone (free from work... white I think, not black).  I have all these random thoughts in my head as the day goes around, and I don't write them down, though I want to. Not sure how interesting any of them are, but maybe they are. Just as interesting as this first paragraph I bet.

Life is calm. Too calm.  Where's all the chaos? The stress? The anxiety?  Lordy... life is weird without craziness. I have to make sure I still do stuff... and I will. Though I haven't climbed in a whole 2 weeks. Nuts. No way to clear my head.

Um, how would YOU react if a guy makes a reference to spooning on a ping pong table?

Let's see, what else....

All my wittiness has left the building. I even forget what I wanted to say when I signed in!!!

Oh, I give up. I have pizza brain coma fuzziness.

Weekend getaway

So, M cancelled last-minute-ish to come visit this weekend, so I decided to go north young woman. I know someone who lives up there and was going to meet up for lunch, but that got cancelled too. So, just drove. Ish.

I had heard of Healdsburg from a co-worker. It's quieter than Napa, but just as nice. And it was. I stopped by one tasting room to ask about where to eat and the woman pointed me to the Wurst Place. YUM. Really nice guy who was apparently in some metal band a while back started this place a couple years ago. I know the latter because he was going around saying hello and chatting with everyone, not just me the single, alone woman. He pointed me back inside to the condiment table, where he had homemade mustards and ketchups and sauces. So many there wasn't enough Wurst to try them with!  And Sprecher root beer. Mmmm...

[on a side note, it's interesting to be asked why I moved out here. I think I've gotten it down to a well-practiced eye roll and that I moved here with someone and now he lives in S. Cal and I live here]

Found the Goodwill store and bought a few albums. I'm starting to really collect old children's albums. Someday I'll do a show using them.

Went back to the tasting room to thank the woman, and she gave me some free tastings (these days they costs money...). Which I didn't really want since I was feeling a little out of sorts, but took them anyway. Seems I don't really like red dessert wine. But I did buy some chocolates so I felt better, plus she was a great saleswoman - for YOU, $5. With no price on it. But truly she was very very nice.

Then went up north to Clear Lake. I wanted to see Mendocino National Forest too and maybe sleep there. But I ran across a wood carving place (chainsaw). So stopped. I've wanted a chainsaw bear for a long time, and I figured I'd see what was up. Well, the people were very nice, but the sculptures were all shiny with protective coating. Yucky. The one they had which wasn't so shiny was nice, but didn't grab me. It was only after I saw a small bear in the corner that I realized what it was. The sculptures had no soul. The small one in the corner wasn't for sale - it was done by a carver who had retired. IT had soul.  But I did like the redwood trees the woman made out of redwood, so I got one. Billy the giant.

Ran across another thrift store and got more albums, including some guy narrating Aesop's Fables - a guy saw me get that one and mentioned that it's a great album.  :-)  And then found a Smothers Brothers recording of Aesop Fables to go with it.

Found the campsite in the National Forest. On the way, there was a big honkin' lot of turkeys. I thought they were wild turkeys, but maybe not?  Just free-range?  There were a bunch across the road too. I have never seen so many turkeys in one place.

BTW, I have found that when I'm looking for a place, I always seem to stop just short of where I'm supposed to be, thinking that I've gone too far and should have been there already. And usually I'm wrong and just need to go a little further.

Turns out this area is for off-road dirtbike riding. There were all those people, and then me. I just parked my car in a spot and slept in it. 8pm, asleep. Just stayed there until it was light out. And got up to 29 degree weather. Wooooo! Drove off into the sunrise and up the mountain to get the view of Clear Lake.

The rest of Sunday I drove a bit all around. I stopped at Clear Lake State Park, really nice (again, thought I should have been there already, turned around, asked directions, and I should have just kept going). And had been referred to the Brick BBQ in Kelseyville, but unfortunately it was closed. The biker bar was open and the bartender told me, once she was done helping all her regulars, at 12:00 noon.  :-)  (Below is a B&B at Clear Lake where your room is a railroad car! There's about 6 at least.)

So I drove off, and out of the mountain I had to stop and rest. I was getting a migraine. So I stopped the side of the road, took two ibuprofins, leaned my seat back, and slept for an hour. It really helped. I just hung out in Calistoga for a bit (cool town!) and drove down through central Napa Valley at the exact wrong time of day (5:00 pm - when the wineries close). But the sun was shining and the blooms were blooming and it was really pretty.

No deep thoughts really. Except that I was glad to enjoy time with myself and have the freedom to do what I wanted. Of course, it wasn't like I wasn't sharing it, since I talked with M a couple times, but you know, it's nice to meet random new people and see new places. Will do it more...

How lucky I am

When I sat with my current boss to talk about details of bringing me on board, one thing I mentioned was a dr's appointment I have this Thursday. His first immediate reaction was 'let's make sure your health insurance starts as soon as possible then."

I helped the building manager edit a safety brochure that he had put together. He gave me a gift card for a wine store nearby. And this is a man who bought me something I desperately needed at Office Max on Friday, which he just considered to be part of his job (ish).

How nice.