Sick and tired

It's 9:00 and I just got up a few minutes ago.
Not feeling well.
And not physically
mentally

alienating M
me feeling frustrated and scared
i don't want to have ups and downs
i want to be stable
i hate the imprecision of all this
where's the magic wand?

i need to find a support group
i need drugs, alcohol, cigarettes
but i don't do those things, thankfully
not an addictive personality
that's one thing to be thankful for

i can't fall apart
i can, but at least i don't want to
i have that

maybe i just don't have the right attitude
think it's easy and it will be
sigh
big sigh

i'm lowering my antidepressant
seeing if that works

lashing out for very little reason at the one I love
who of course does not want to be a whipping post
why should someone in a new relationship
take such abuse?
heartfelt sorries are useful
but so much less than what's needed

i slipped last night
and hit the wall
oh and the top of my car dashboard
physical pain stops the mental anguish
if only for a minute

i heard the carol king song last night
'you've got to get up every morning
with a smile on your face
and show the world
all the love in your heart'
yes
i know.

sunshine helps and it's here this morning
now i'll go out and run
chase away a few demons
or run away from them?
i'll think the former

[just checked my email. here is a note from a friend I called last night. I have some amazing friends.]

I think he is a good man.

And you are a good woman and deserving of happiness and love. and you both deserve to be patient with each other and yourselves. I think sometimes you forget that. or maybe it is the depression, but you have to try to get yourself out of that spiral before you lose it. You can do it- getting your medication levels normalized is a big big part of this, I know- but you are smart enough to also know that the meds are only a part of how you feel. It is easy to buy into the defeatist thought prcesses-they are much easier than pushing yourself to imagine that you can succeed in getting through - well, this negative thought- these bad feelings- this sad mood- this tough day- whatever.

It is not fair that it seems easier to give up and imagine that we will fail than to talk ourselves out of whatever moment we are in- but it is worth it to try. but it is hard. not sure how it works....Maybe calling me is your attempt to get yourself out of the spiral because...really- what am I gonna say??? Yup- it is over. you are a loser. you will never be happy. it is all your fault. the relationship is doomed. might as well just give up. no sense in trying to work things out. of course not!! I think you know all these things- and I do not know how- but maybe you can try to remember at least one before you it the point where you think it is the point of no return...yeah- sounds great- just not sure how to make it happen. so until you do- call me!