Cut and run

So, I reacted and responded in a 'that's not my strength' answer. I feel kinda sick to my stomach. About the same amount as when I was pushing myself. So, between a rock and a hard place? Don't know.

I called the guy last night to touch base and he was quite gracious and has not cut me out of his will, so to speak. But still I read into our conversation, about my decision, etc. I have to let it all go, but am having a hard time.

I keep hearing my friend's voice in my head - don't think so much. Erg.

I did talk to my sister yesterday. It's an interesting question in this world. Where do you stay? What is your job to you? Are you comfortable where you are? If you are good and you get pressure to keep going up the ladder, can you say no if you just don't want to go? How important is work/life balance in the short run? In the long run?

I've pursued several different paths since I started my job search full force. And rejected one, and then another, and now this? Where the hell do I want to be? Am I 'doomed' to not be happy whereever I am (I create that, I know)? How long do I have this luxury? Not too long I don't think. Can't I change my responses to 'yes indeed' from 'I don't know. I'm not sure.' Some say it's simple - just make up your mind to do it... kinda like those people who are able to quit smoking cold turkey. Do I just hold myself back? The answer is yes. Erg.