hysteria

I was on the verge of hysteria tonight. Why? Because my $1 dish brush is missing.

Yep, I'm nuts. At least, that's what I'm afraid of.

See, the thing is, things keep disappearing.
My aluminum bowl.
A plastic ladle
A nice pot
My yoga mat
My dish brush

They aren't in the house. Well, anywhere I looked. And I've been trying to let them all go. I mean, the yoga mat could have been left at the gym. Um... the others?

And I've been pushing off the idea that someone is coming in to steal random things. (Is it happening?  Should I get the locks changed?) And my roommate says she hasn't seen them.

So the next conclusion is that I'm nuts. I'm hiding them from myself. Or... I don't know. Just something that makes me nuts.

M likes to say that he lives alone and loses stuff and would love to blame it on someone else, but of course it's him.

Sigh.

So I had some alcohol and feel better.  But it's hot here...

psychiatry

So, I went for my psych appointment last week. I have to go regularly to touch base. I've been thinking of getting off the depression meds since I'm doing pretty damn well and my life is stable. And perhaps adjusting my lamotragine because I still have a bit of a swing. A tiny bit.  In this place a much more experience doctor comes in regularly for each client to touch base. So, I ask him whether if I wanted to try it, should I increase or decrease the amount?  He just says "no clue".

And that my friends is psychiatry. It's a guessing game since every person reacts differently. I asked my current doctor/student if that drives him nuts, and he said no, because it's like an art. And besides, he says, modern medicine was at one point at this stage. Which is an interesting concept.

But it still sucks when you want to have things work the way they should.

Nekked Bike Ride

So Saturday was World Nekked Bike Ride day. I was going to go volunteer again with Habitat, but it was a gorgeous day and I had read about this a year or two ago and thought it would be interesting to do... So I went!

The meeting time was supposedly 10:30. I got there around then, and there was one guy who was obviously a participant. How did I know?  He was stark naked, painted all over (and I mean *all*) with a zebra stripe pattern, and some fake ears on the top of his head. Just standing there waiting. Along with the - no joke- at least 25 photographers.

No way in hell was I going to take anything off with such odds. So I waited to see if others would show up. A couple people rode up but I could never really tell whether they were potential participants. Started yakking with one guy about how we weren't going to take it off with so many photographers, and another guy with 1970's big plastic rimmed glasses rode up and asked where everyone was. We didn't know. His comment: well, I guess it's hippy dippy time then - it'll get started at 12:00or 12:30.

Then finally another woman showed up. She saw me and my friend talking and came over. We all yakked some, and she said something like she wouldn't mind showing off her breasts, since she had a $21k boob job. She got it for $7k because she worked as a masseuse, and the doctor figured that her clients would be interested in a such a job, and he apparently was right. So, she had to show them off, so she lifted her shirt and showed them to my friend and me, and several of the photographers.  And they were GREAT. I mean, you really couldn't tell. Which is amazing. But she pulled her shirt down again (and we heard a collective 'awwwww..'  kidding).

I was sort of desperate to get at least half naked because I had so looked forward to it. 21k boob job woman lent me a gauzy scarf and I figured I'd go over to a place were there really weren't photographers, though it was still a meeting space. How did I know? The organizer was there. I knew he was participating because he only had on a cheetah pattern p&b cover. And he was excited to be there.

So I figured I'd sneak on by... but as soon as I took my top off zoom they headed towards me. It sucked. So, I sat down and hunched and tried to be invisible. But, that sucked, so I put my top back on, and waited to see if more people would come, or at least more women. I felt stupid with a gauzy scarf over my face. 

In the meantime my friend had stripped down to a minor piece of elastic that held up a P&B cover. And a bandana. So I went and said hi. Then chatted with another guy stark naked next to his bike. A guy came  up with a bandana and a big camera, and had a little gauzy thing on. He had to cover up because he almost got recognized last year. But he was willing to show off his p elastic thing which had dangly colored balls that he could shake.

I stood around a little and a guy with a vest and a gauzy thing on stood by me and said 'may I compliment you on your lovely breasts?' Sure. So we chat and he talked about growing up in an orphanage, and one day in the dorms he had all his clothes off. A priest apparently pointed at a statue of the virgin mary, and said that she would not want to see him that way. And then he says to me 'I found out later that the virgin mary has seen much worse.'

Another woman showed up, and I said hi to her. She started stripping down and didn't really care about the photographers. My 21k boob job friend had taken off her shirt. So I pulled out a shirt and put it over my face like a bandana and took off my shirt.It was a little weird because it hung down and covered me some, but hey I did it. For a little bit at least. I did get a photo with my original friend who was now stark naked, with bandana. It's so odd. And I did get a close up shot of the dangly p thing (which actually I had originally thought were M&M's !!)

People were really polite and nice and yes, weird. But it was fun. I couldn't ignore the creeps and all the cameras which was a shame, but I'm glad I went. I had to leave to go have lunch anyway with my 80-year old climbing friend, whose only comment when I told him what I was doing beforehand was - make sure you wear a helmet!

San Francisco History

San Franciscans dance to the tune
of "Homelessness by the Bay"
on the retro jukebox
with their eyes closed:
in spite of all City Hall's
boasts and toasts
we still have the highest
percentage of homelss
people per population
of any city in the nation

It's 2013 and still
the drained and pained
unhoused batallions
of brokenhearted
shopping cart
soldiers come and go

It's still the same old song
with very little
being done about the wrong

George Wynn

Delayed reaction

I have such delayed reactions. Or maybe things just need time to sink deep into my psyche. My normal climbing partner won’t be able to climb with me in the fall. So I have to find a new one. Yet, I do have this fear about my physical ability getting in the way of most climbers (hence the delayed reaction comment – the guy who dumped me due to my health issues). Climbers are hard core out here!  And I fear being the one responsible since what if I make a mistake?  I’ve been so spoiled – friends with a guy  who has planning in his DNA – and knows tons of places/things to do. How do you find people who are at your same level or who are willing to be patient with you?  Skiiing – I don’t like to go fast and most people do. Biking – I am scared to go over big logs. Climbing – I have to eat regularly, and I get stupid at the end of a day. Have only done one long climb in my life. I am slow. Hiking – not in the best shape (OK, that one I can do something about). But doing things alone – though I can do them – it’s indeed more fun to do things with other people.  I love the outdoors, but not sure how motivated I am to be the driving force to push someone out there. Or even to push myself out there by myself. I’ll get over this likely, but in a weird place right now. When I talk with potential climbing partners, do I say what my limitations are… or try to just take care of them without making it a big deal?  If I ignore my limitations maybe they won’t exist?  I managed to do a big long climb, which I never thought I could. BUT if my friend hadn’t known the rap down… I would have been in deep crap. I’m good at a lot of things and do well given my limitations. I’m not really great at any one thing – I’m good.  Oh, and I’ve lost a little bit of desire for the radio station since there’s a guy there who went NUTS over me and it’s gotten weird – I tried so hard to maintain a friendship but I may have just reached my limit. 

There is also the whole bipolar 2 thing – which I’m tired of dealing with even though it’s so much better it’s never completely gone. And the fact that I might end up like my mom. Who will want all this shit?  And more importantly, how do I take care of myself when all this shit hits the fan?

OK, ending in a high note… um… helped out at the Habitate ReStore and it was fun. I like to be useful. And make sure stuff gets reused. And Habitat has funds for building affordable housing.