Let down

Just back from a week away on vacation with family (sister and nieces) and a stops along the way to spend a day with M, my new radio friend, and my friend B. It's sinking in that I have to go back to reality, dammit. And on top of that I start my 3rd job on Wednesday, so freaking a little about that.

My new radio friend, the Greek as he will hereafter be known, has a lot of good friends. His birthday party included people he's known since the 70's, and then me, the newest good friend. Really great group of people. He is great, in part because he is so fascinated with me. And I mean that actually - I have to consistently check that I'm interested in maintaining contact because of who he is rather than how great he thinks I am.

During and after the visit with M with my family, I was able to see a bunch of the stuff that isn't always in my face. Negative stuff I mean. But somewhat stupid, like obsessing that my nieces weren't using the toaster like he thought it should be used. Though they were reading the directions on the toaster. And just the way he did that is how he interacts with me regularly.  Not great.

And then the Greek (who, btw, is also a hippie and about M's age) supposedly is OK with being friends, but he asks me to stay and share the bed with him - to cuddle. I actually have no doubt that his intentions are actually good - truly to cuddle - but I just don't trust guys and for very good reason. And it's not me to do that. If I'm going to do it, I'll be in a relationship. 

But his suggestion and repeated suggestion made me anxious thinking about all the associated life events associated with men, including how it is so difficult to interact with M when it's so easy with the Greek. And the guy from high school that I was so linked to it felt like his soul was tearing away from mine when I broke up with him (because I was not physically attracted to him). And the one person I had both with in a real relationship.

Wondering when and if I will have another real relationship and realizing how scared I am of that happening.