And now it's November

I may start a new thing with this blog that I guess what my life is going to be like 3-6 months from my post, and go back and see how it is. Might not work though, as I will have known I wrote it.

So, the boy moved, and after writing to him/calling him and he was always very busy, which I completely understood, I finally said that I wasn't trying to harass, I was trying to help so wouldn't have to do the effort. And finally, via text, he wrote to me that his wife decided to move to MI so he could take care of her. Many people said that he had lied that he was getting a divorce. I don't think that's the case. I think he lied when he didn't tell me she was moving out there so he could take care of her (she is 12 years older and they had no kids). In any event, that ship sailed. Deleted all numbers and thought I deleted all photos and then it shows up when I sign into Shutterfly. WTF!!  Whatever.

My boss left, I am in charge of office, I got raise, and so far haven't completely broken down. I am not one to take over, to forge ahead and do things without really knowing everything. So it's a challenge. I need to do weekly pep talks and I haven't given myself one in a couple months. It's an attitude thing. Fake it until you make it. Fake it until you become it.

Which is odd, as I am pretty depressed. But putting on a good show keeps me going in this case. What begets what? Is pretending creating reality?  Or helping to create it? Not sure.

What I came here to write about is that I again praised my sister for keeping her shit together. I feel sometimes I barely am, and I don't have a house, two kids, etc.  When speaking with her, she told me she fell apart last week at work. And then starting crying because she said she is always on the edge of falling apart. OMG I did not know what to do. My sister in law came out from her class and I turned to her and said I made her cry, can you hug her?  Amazing. My response was amazing. And so telling. I did give my sister her own hug, but it reminded me of when my mom was sniffling in bed after my dad died and I did nothing because I didn't know what to do. And I don't know what to do. 

That's when I realize I am not 'normal'. I have issues. I do my best, or try to do my best, and my best is different than what I want to be. I want to hide under a rock. I want to be strong. I want to be self confident. I want to lay in bed all day. Yes, I know, I need to accept that this is all me, and it's a decision at a time that determines what I really am.

It's crazy...