Responsibility

I'll just say it: I don't want a cat anymore. I can blame it on my roommate, but in reality I don't want the responsibility and I want to sleep at night. And if I have any energy to do anything, it makes more sense for me to spend that energy on finding a boyfriend. Or becoming a monk. 

So I sit here and watch games shows from the 80's. Which is a lot of fun actually. Password and Body Language.  Lucille Ball was still alive and on the shows. Funny as hell.

And it's sad that I fall into the trap of not being direct about it. With M. Who is still in my life but really shouldn't be, but I keep not being able to completely walk away.

OMG - ad for a razor made by Manscape called the lawnmower.

See!  Nice distractions. 

And he's a huge pet person and thinks the poor cat will never have a good home. But she will. Animals are going like hotcakes. :-)  And it's my life. 

 I might change my mind but not sure.

What's this about a cat?

 The cat I thought I would get...well I didn't. His mom was trying to tell her son that it's good he leaves before he has to and he was getting upset. And then she wasn't sure she'd actually have to find a new home. And that was overwhelming to me on Friday, so I told her Saturday I wasn't going to visit him/her Sunday. And Saturday I decided to go after Gwen who I had seen via Zoom at a shelter. Picked her up Sunday from her foster mom.

Now Gwen is 8 years old with a huge scar on her neck/back which not surprisingly she's sensitive about. She's been to one home at least, and not the right home they didn't pay attention to her needs and so she bit them. She can get sensitive...and has bit me twice even though I'm good at reading cats. But other than that, she is super sweet and super playful. Loves to sit on laps. 

My roommate is NOT good with shy/particular cats. A friend said to me today that he can picture my roommate only being good with large dogs. Kinda that person that lumbers through a room, and doesn't want to pay attention, and wants a normal cat (which is interesting since he's a psychiatrist that works with homeless people). That in addition to my anxiety about making sure I don't do anything to make her upset is leading me to not keep her. (I'm in a two week trial adoption mode.) 

 I felt like shit at first for feeling this, and am trying to just let it sit and see how I feel. Not just react. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow so she'll help me talk it through. I just donated money to the shelter to pay for food for animals... just in case Gwen goes back. In the meantime I'm giving her a good home.

Tragedy and Life and Embracing Death

 Friday we found out my youngest brother has stage 2 throat cancer. It's kinda a horrifying prospect. If chemo and radiation don't work (and feeding tube), they take out his voice box and his tongue. I'm still stunned but have not grieved. Instead, I had a migraine all day Saturday, saying to myself and others - I can't get the grief out. And Sunday morning for a few hours I was better, but then fell back down. Thing is, I know I can let it be ok. I did it in Massachusetts after visiting my brother and feeling stopped up. I let myself relax and allowed myself to physically feel ok. I didn't this time.

I'm distanced from it. My brother gets easily overwhelmed and my sister already took on the role of navigator. And she's gone all out. On all the doctor calls with him, looking up referrals, etc. Best I can do is try to support her. And the other brother with ALS who misses out on her attention.

But thankfully I had already decided and started networking about getting a cat. My therapy cat. It's friggin ridiculous here. Poof cats are gone from shelters. First cat I was offered was old, blind, few teeth, and on medication. Couldn't take that on. But my colleague's hairdresser is getting divorced and will have to live with her mom who has FIV cat, and so must give him up. 9years of living with him. I spoke with her for an hour Monday, and we bonded. I'll meet the cat (Leo - aka Chunky Monkey, or Fat Boy) and likely take him.  All 19 pounds of him (her 3 year old was feeding him all he asked for). That same day I was offered 2 other cats. Raining cats. But I'm likely going with Leo.  I'll post a photo of him once I get him, if I get him.

From a book (romance novel)

 I'll be honest: you've always scared me.  By putting my trust in you and in our relationship, I'm exposing myself to the kind of hurt that I won't recover from easily. But I think you've earned that place, and I'm ready to take that leap.  Because you've challenged me to think about the shield around my heart and who deserves to get past it. I'm certain that you're my safe space. That I can be exactly who I am with you, and you won't judge me for it.  You'll actually love me for it. And I want to be that safe space for you, too. When you've had a terrible day or something's gone wrong, I want you to think of me and my arms as your place of comfort.

2021

 I didn't realize Google took over blogger... guess I should know that.

It's 2021! Crazy.

- Didn't work out with M. I'm the bull and he's the china shop. And more reasons of course. But still friends. Trying to be more removed friends.

- Brother with ALS is now losing his voice and use of right arm. Difficult to see.

- Have a year almost of 2x week yoga practice under my belt. It has helped so much in many ways.

- Try to do a daily inner smile meditation. It's changed me and changed my outlook.

- I'm able to access my emotions more easily. Case in point, I was so overwhelmed at inauguration I was crying. Never have allowed myself (OK much) to do that.

- More new projects at work and working with different people. Interesting and nice.

- Made a quilt for my old roommate. Proud of it.

- Taking up knitting again soon. Got a lot of free amazing wool...

I remember the days when blogging was done a lot by us nonprofessionals. Times change... :-)

The passing of a DJ

A larger than life DJ at WFMU passed last week. X-Ray Burns. His partner in crime, Glen Jones, has been doing a few amazing broadcasts, as have other DJs. It got me thinking about what music I might want for my wake/funeral, so want to start a list for when I die, whenever that may be. All songs have a meaning, but not telling what it is. It might be in some cases that I just like the damn song! Or want to harass my loved ones who come to the funeral (not really...).

In no particular order:
- The Flamingos - Only have eyes for you
- Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
- Counting Crows - Time and Time Again
- Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle
- Beatles - Here comes the sun
- Einsturzende Neubauten - Silence is Sexy
- Vivaldi - the Four Seasons - Spring
- Sara Petite - We shouldn't be doing this
- Dessa - Beekeeper (Or Old Crow, or Kites)
- Nelson Eddy andJeanette McDonald -
- Julie Andrews - Sound of Music
- Tom Waits - Jersey Girl
- Paul McCartney - Let 'em in
-

Happy VD!

No, I do not have yet another VD.  But it's the big Valentine's Day tomorrow, and surprisingly I have a valentine that you wouldn't have maybe guessed. Though, I think many would have guessed.

Oh my, the saga.
J and I went away for a weekend.
J told me then he was going away the next weekend-ish with a woman he had mentioned before. I had no claims on him but was pissed.
When he returned I told him I only wanted to be exclusive, and he chose to do that with me.
Things were good, except I wanted to remain friends with M (remember M who I moved out here with?). J said it sounded like I hadn't really processed the thing with M.
So I sat down with M to talk about how to be friends.
M comes back to me after that weekend saying he's still in love with me. [cue the cliche meter]
I was all pissed but felt like I had to process it, and so felt I needed to retreat from exclusive with J.
In conversations with M, we were open, honest, and communicating like real people and not two hurt people beating on each other.
Before Christmas I told J what M had said and that I was talking with him.
When I was away for Christmas it was stressful to be interacting with both of them.
I returned and became depressed (I had also stopped one of my meds before Christmas) because I thought I could somehow date both of them, but realized I did not have the emotional capacity to do so.
So I chose M. And was very sad for a week or two, and I'm getting over it.
But I'm still scared of this thing with M. Will it really work? Not sure. But I figured I spent 2018 on working on myself. 2019 will be the year of relationship work.

Crazy. Stupid. Love.