Selectively Neglected

Ah yes, it's been a while. Missed you all! And at least one of you missed me, since she had to call and get an update on my life rather than read this blog. ;-)  It's all a plot on my end to get phone calls. Ha.

But her comment was, well life must be going well since you haven't written on your blog. Hmm.. That's mostly true. Thing is, I get things in my head I want to talk about/write about, but I can't do it at work anymore. Gone are the days when I wasted a lot of time at work to vomit out my feelings.  And evenings have been busy - I've chosen other things to focus on for the moment.

Work is going really well. I had a trip for work, and that went great. It was nice to be seen out of my normal context, which at the moment is still at a lower level than I would like. My boss is great. My coworkers are great. And life is overall great. The one bad thing at the moment is my mom is starting to get aggressive. It's so sad to have that happen when she's been so calm and nice her whole life. I don't have to experience it in person and I truly thank god for that. We'll try to figure something out that's not medication, at least in the beginning.

I did see an old friend on my trip, who I haven't seen in 10 years. So nice to just jump right in. She's one of those women too who just have men pop up when one is out the door. It's nuts. I'm struggling to keep my distance and still get to know some guys.

I just had one guy say to me yesterday how he would like to know if there's even a chance for something in the future. There was of course a longer story, and he wasn't pushing (at least intentionally). I appreciated him being willing (and able!) to say what was on his mind. I was upset initially because I thought he wasn't going to to want to speak with me ever again. I was very flustered, and babbled, but eventually stopped speaking. I was glad I stopped speaking, as I may have started promising something I don't want to deliver on. I truly don't want a relationship right now, but then again, I want to get to know great people. Seems like I can't have it both, but we'll see. As I was talking with my roommate, I realized all I can do is be honest about where I am, and if he, for instance, chooses to do something or nothing because of that, well, that's his choice. And I have to be true to myself and not promise something just to keep people in my life.

It pisses me off sometimes that getting to know guys always comes with the relationship tag, but that's the way of the world.

It's funny that he and other people see me as being so positive and outgoing. Maybe I'm beginning to become a new me? I have to be sure I don't continue to argue with them and say that's not me. "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are yours."  

Homeless poetry

I went to a show on Thursday night - music. Thollem Mcdonas and an amazing drummer, improvising. Really incredible. See his site. Fingers flying and such a grasp of music.

Outside the venue there was a homeless woman selling Street Spirit - "Justice News and Homeless Blues in the Bay Area". So I bought one.

The whole issue is poetry, and some is pretty damn good. I'm going to periodically post some.  Here's one:

Scapegoats
by Joan Clair

"Their transgressions, even all their sins...he shall put upon the head of the goat and shall send him away into the wilderness."  -- Leviticus

I feel the weight of collective sin in the soup
kitchen, not to be escaped on the crushed
shoulders of those eating silntly there,
eathing the lie they have nothing to share,
a bread so heavy it hasn't the leaven
to lift thier souls to a new have.
I smell wafts of scapegoats in the air.
And there are those who would do more
than allow a few to feed
the bodies and souls of those in need.
To solve the plight of those they want unseen
they'd drive them entirly out of sight
from their solitary ghettos
into the wilderness
bearing all our sins.

Building a trail

So that's the before and after (not exactly the same place, but you get the idea. A lot of work, but a lot of fun!  That pile of rocks is the basis for the small rock wall I built. So much fun. And then it was covered in dirt.