Sunday, July 29, 2012

Don't let that glad expression...

I need to talk with someone and don't want to call anyone. So, I'll write here. I guess I'll really need to talk to a live person.  Thing is, I want to help others because it keeps the focus away from me. But people who had issues are doing better - M found some people he can become friends with.  G is not depressed, though will have to make some big decisions soon.

Me, well... spiral thinking.  Starting to want to cry more.  I have to get out of this.  Been pushing shit away.  I just need to keep on. I guess pretending to be ok will help me be ok?  Perhaps.  Or maybe I just need to stop giving myself a break and just keep moving on.  Keep on keeping on.

- I'm embarrassed because I realize now how much people could hear in this house when I was sobbing hysterically or the rare time M and I raised our voices (or I did since he did not believe in it).
- I"m starting to try and think about how lucky I am to have been here even if it's only going to be 2 years + some change. If I don't find a roommate next month, well, I'll have to give notice. And I have a cat and it's so competitive to find housing, and I may need to live very far away which will make it difficult to get a job, or even temp work. Luckily I have family and friends who have offered a place to stay, but they are not here. I'll have to give up on this place.
- It's amazing how much spam is on Craigslist.
- I have a hard time getting out of my head the things that I am not that I was made aware of by M.  And accept who I am and be happy with it. They push in though.  He's going to buy a boat and name it Truth. And yes, it's the truth as he sees it, but it's so hard to hear it and not be affected by it and accept the gift of his perspective. I feel like I'm autistic (high functioning of course).
- A man who came to check out the apartment and came as far as putting in an application backed out. We had spent a bit of time talking of course, to make sure we could live together. Then when he backed out, he wrote a text referencing one thing (saw a woman with a feather - I had said I pick up feathers for Billy) which was nice but I was worried. Then he offered to fix my bike and I sent him a terse note back (thank you but I'd feel I"d have to pay you), and he explained that he was just trying to be nice. And then I felt bad. I mentioned the text thing to M, and he was kind of saying well so what if he wants to date  you, and that pissed me off because he doesn't care if I immediately date. I'm sure he's expecting it of me.

A possible roommate is coming this morning. She's like a feral cat - scared, skittish... My age-ish, hasn't lived with someone in a long time, like me. I can't pressure her, and don't want to.  I wonder how much mess/dirt/smell I don't notice, which is why I'm not getting a roommate. At least one person was nice enough to tell me he thought the spare room was like a living room (and also that I was too good looking so his wife wouldn't like it (he is a pilot and just needs a crash pad)).

OK, gotta go smell nice, etc. Billy kindly helped this morning by barfing all over the bedroom rug.  Such a good boy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Oops, had a blog post title and it's gone

OK my life.  I don't even know when I wrote last.  M is gone, and has been. I keep trying to get a roommate but can't. Was incredibly stressed out over it all last week, and decided to go away with two climbing friends.  And thankfully I did.
That made me relax.

And also that both of the friends I went with made me laugh and laugh. Both married men with 20+ years with their wives. And both my age.  One doesn't really do stuff with his wife, but they enjoy each other's company.  The other is much more connected with his wife in terms of activities. So which is right for me?  Who knows.  I myself may never know.

I think that's all I can muster tonight. I want to go to bed early and try and get over this sleep deficit. And I've read that stress can make you keep/add weight.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


When the world is getting you down, and people are just too much.....

Walk outside and stop when you see the two Gambril's quail.  Watch them. And as  they cross the parking lot, notice the 5 quail-lets that run across the lot after mom and dad. Stand watching that, and 10 seconds later, another one will come out of the shrub and run to the rest. Amaze at that sight, and another will come out. And just when you think it's over, yet another and [pause] another come out.  Like a clown car.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


That's how I'm spelling the verse of the Beatles song...'nothing's gonna change my world' Across the Universe. Just looked it up, and it's wonderful.

I'm decompressing in order to not get depressed. 

Current state of being: Alone in a 2BR apartment.  So far, no roommate.

The week-ish of moving was rough. Pack his shit up, move south. Me get migraine, he unpacks himself.  Pack up the truck with my shit, and drive north. Me get migraine, he drives himself. Unpack my shit into my new by myself place. Whew.

But I do have a really nice living room. Even he was jealous.  I got a free maroon love seat off Craigslist which I think I mentioned before. M gave me a couch from his living room and it is nice and neutral. He also gave me an entertainment unit. We went to a yard sale before he started driving and I got a migraine...because I read they would have a rug. Got there at the start - 8am - and it was still there. With a sign on it $60 OBO.  So, I looked at it and tried to figure out how much I could offer and get away with. Looked at her - would you take $40?  She looks at me and down at the rug, 'sure...actually, why don't you give me $30?'  !! First time in my life I have had someone tell me I should pay less.  I wish I had had more time to go yard saling there... great place.  This was/is a 9x12 - ish rug with a great persian pattern...

So, now I have to finish up my contract and gather up steam to start the whole process of networking again.

To do that, I'm going to bed now.  Sorry, I've had to cut out most things from my life to get through this time...

Sunday, July 8, 2012

In response to my email saying I did not get the job

My friends/family wrote the following (my text was 'and the beat goes on')

-         No encloshed flush letter. But glad the beat goes on.
-         assholes
-         well, phooey
-         sorry :-(  not much fun I’m sure
-         oh fuc**! Pardon my French, but seriously wtf…
-         Sheesh. I’m sorry. I thought you would get this one.
-         Damn. Getting closer though.
-         Dammit.  So sorry.
-         [wrote nothing because didn’t know what to say]
-         so sorry babe!  You were close!
-         The right job will be yours in time. Hang in there.
-         Carry on.
-         Damn!

Thank you for the update.
[xxx] loss.
That was a dissonant beat wasn't it.