Monday, December 22, 2014

What to expect when you're expecting

Not what you wanted to get, that's for sure.  

I tell two people today that I had a really bad week last week (feeling better today, thank you), both men, and neither gave me the poor you I really wanted. Funny. I so wanted it. One was M, and I honestly don't know why I even think to expect something. He may come visit and I just warned him that last week was a bad week, and not sure how much I will have recuperated by then. I worded it as 'not having great social skills - even less than I normally have'. He appreciated the heads up. That's it. 

But what else should I get?  Well, in the instance of M, at least a 'sorry you had a bad week'.  But, I really should know better than to expect anything.

Oh well, time to move on.

Friday, December 19, 2014

What do I expect?

If I say to someone, "I really hate planning parties" of course noone is going to want to include me in planning. Never mind that I felt like shit and ready to run away screaming and had to force myself to stay and I told the wrong friggin' person that, the person who was FREAKING OUT because we didn't have any drinks with dinner. Intensely saying that there was NOTHING TO DRINK with dinner. Big wide eyes.

Sigh. I'm a leper and a loser.  But a lovable one.

We actually had a great holiday party. Learned how to mix 4 classic cocktails. Taught by a master bartender. I actually made a margarita that I liked. I have never ever liked them before.

Trouble is that when we got there nothing was set up, even though the guy had said all would be ok. I felt like a loser. I hadn't set up any sort of gift exchange, and got a look for that in the elevator down to the bus. The bus was a party bus but with no alcohol. Loser didn't think of it.

Oh well. Life does go on.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Demon Wrangling

I come back to my old friend the blog when I have to talk to myself. Figure things out.

I feel sometimes like I have a demon inside that is pushing trying to break me from inside. Recently it's been a voice telling me that I'm no good, don't know how to do a good job, can't organize a party well, don't know how to interact normally, etc. I seriously have had to try to find ways to drown it out. I wonder if it's come up because I haven't been climbing much, so it doesn't give me that meditation I need. 

At least I stop myself, or have until now. I'm going to give myself a break right here and now and say that it's great that I'm recognizing it, and not falling into the traps, and also the woe is me. I desperately wanted to talk to someone on Tuesday but I managed to sort of work through it. I want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok, but I have to tell it to myself. It's a movement towards being able to take care of myself, make the right mental choices, allow myself to not be all I think I should be, but just be who I am. And carry on the lessons learned from my therapy - like people aren't attacking you when they remark on how much coffee there is there and that it doesn't stay fresh (when you are the person responsible for ordering).

Eventually I'd like to get to the point that I can let all things roll over me and be the perfect employee and so on. Ha. But not really ha.  But I can choose to not wallow in depression. Not be enticed by the demons and lose control. But the wrangling is better than being squashed.