Thursday, December 18, 2014

Demon Wrangling

I come back to my old friend the blog when I have to talk to myself. Figure things out.

I feel sometimes like I have a demon inside that is pushing trying to break me from inside. Recently it's been a voice telling me that I'm no good, don't know how to do a good job, can't organize a party well, don't know how to interact normally, etc. I seriously have had to try to find ways to drown it out. I wonder if it's come up because I haven't been climbing much, so it doesn't give me that meditation I need. 

At least I stop myself, or have until now. I'm going to give myself a break right here and now and say that it's great that I'm recognizing it, and not falling into the traps, and also the woe is me. I desperately wanted to talk to someone on Tuesday but I managed to sort of work through it. I want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok, but I have to tell it to myself. It's a movement towards being able to take care of myself, make the right mental choices, allow myself to not be all I think I should be, but just be who I am. And carry on the lessons learned from my therapy - like people aren't attacking you when they remark on how much coffee there is there and that it doesn't stay fresh (when you are the person responsible for ordering).

Eventually I'd like to get to the point that I can let all things roll over me and be the perfect employee and so on. Ha. But not really ha.  But I can choose to not wallow in depression. Not be enticed by the demons and lose control. But the wrangling is better than being squashed.

1 comment:

Churlita said...

I had a real problem with bad talking myself, until I made myself say, "Stop!" whenever I caught myself. (sometimes out loud) Now, I rarely do that anymore and it has topped a lot of the other bad insecure, low self-esteem behaviors I had. I am so much happier in general.