Wednesday, February 20, 2019

The passing of a DJ

A larger than life DJ at WFMU passed last week. X-Ray Burns. His partner in crime, Glen Jones, has been doing a few amazing broadcasts, as have other DJs. It got me thinking about what music I might want for my wake/funeral, so want to start a list for when I die, whenever that may be. All songs have a meaning, but not telling what it is. It might be in some cases that I just like the damn song! Or want to harass my loved ones who come to the funeral (not really...).

In no particular order:
- The Flamingos - Only have eyes for you
- Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
- Counting Crows - Time and Time Again
- Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle
- Beatles - Here comes the sun
- Einsturzende Neubauten - Silence is Sexy
- Vivaldi - the Four Seasons - Spring
- Sara Petite - We shouldn't be doing this
- Dessa - Beekeeper (Or Old Crow, or Kites)
- Nelson Eddy andJeanette McDonald -
- Julie Andrews - Sound of Music
- Tom Waits - Jersey Girl
- Paul McCartney - Let 'em in

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Happy VD!

No, I do not have yet another VD.  But it's the big Valentine's Day tomorrow, and surprisingly I have a valentine that you wouldn't have maybe guessed. Though, I think many would have guessed.

Oh my, the saga.
J and I went away for a weekend.
J told me then he was going away the next weekend-ish with a woman he had mentioned before. I had no claims on him but was pissed.
When he returned I told him I only wanted to be exclusive, and he chose to do that with me.
Things were good, except I wanted to remain friends with M (remember M who I moved out here with?). J said it sounded like I hadn't really processed the thing with M.
So I sat down with M to talk about how to be friends.
M comes back to me after that weekend saying he's still in love with me. [cue the cliche meter]
I was all pissed but felt like I had to process it, and so felt I needed to retreat from exclusive with J.
In conversations with M, we were open, honest, and communicating like real people and not two hurt people beating on each other.
Before Christmas I told J what M had said and that I was talking with him.
When I was away for Christmas it was stressful to be interacting with both of them.
I returned and became depressed (I had also stopped one of my meds before Christmas) because I thought I could somehow date both of them, but realized I did not have the emotional capacity to do so.
So I chose M. And was very sad for a week or two, and I'm getting over it.
But I'm still scared of this thing with M. Will it really work? Not sure. But I figured I spent 2018 on working on myself. 2019 will be the year of relationship work.

Crazy. Stupid. Love.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

And, I'm off

To the races. Met a guy who I like. Have had sex which is quite good. I don't want to be in a relationship but there it is. Therapist has been away for a month+ and seeing her on Wednesday and so there will be a lot to talk about.

That being said, I fear he might just be so excited to have a 'relationship' and actually have an orgasm that that's what is driving everything. He writes poetry about me, he wants to be with me, and I'm cautious. He had said he had feelings for another woman and was quite open about it on Friday and I just said screw it I'll live in the moment, and I really wanted to have sex. And we ended up spending a lot of time together on the weekend and have plans for next weekend. 

But in the meantime, he said he would text me last night and didn't and hasn't been in touch this morning. Focusing on the other woman?  Who knows. Good thing is I can ask all these questions when we speak and from what I can tell he's honest. I don't need him being all 'gotta have you' and then pull back. I don't like being the other woman - I've been there done that and don't ever want to do it again. But it's nice to even have a fake relationship for a while, if it is fake.

Oh, he's recovering alcoholic (10 months), been in a lot of therapy, and in touch with his feelings and able to communicate them. And he's ok with my issues. So, that to me is a good basis.

Off to QUILT

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Moving forward using all my breath

Yeah, the rest doesn't really apply.

Seven months later... Still no second job. It's way too comfortable to only work half time.

Biggest news:

1) my brother was diagnosed with ALS. I've been through several stages of grief, and trying to move forward and not block out the feelings.

2) I'm doing OK Cupid. It's so weird, this online dating thing. Being able to say no. Being able to say yes. It's strange. I did finally tell M that I'm doing it, and it was as if nothing had happened. Which is great. I worry and in the end that energy could have been used for something else.

Like making a damn quilt for my sister!!  Gotta get it done by Christmas. It will be a more traditional quilt (less creative) but it will have positive descriptive words about her all over it, so she can see it.

Ho ho  ho

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Dumpster diving for dinner

Um, literally. I had to write this because I just can't believe I did it.

There was leftover food that was out on the table everyone can access. Before she left for the day my colleague threw the remainder in the compost bin. There were not many people around today. So after my colleague left I went and pulled out the cheese cubes, containers of baba ganouj and hummus, carrot sticks, grape tomatoes, and olives.  My arms in the end smelled like I had bathed in a greek dishwasher. Insane, but delicious, and free, and not wasteful.

If there is any version of this is your life or a question someone I'm going to marry asks me - what was your potentially most embarrassing moment, this would be it.

Though it almost ties a real embarrassing moment - freezing my vegetable scraps and egg shells and bringing them to the climbing gym to put into the compost and dropping the bag before I made it there so frozen vegetable pieces and egg shells scattered all over the floor and people had to help me pick it up. THAT happened. I think I may have left the gym that evening.  I remember someone saying "are those frozen vegetable pieces??".

Oh, and I feel so much better after 3.5 months of recuperation and am almost thinking about what to do in the future.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Freeeeee and more

I'm free!  No more stressful annoying job. Already getting too used to working half time. Unfortunately it gives me time to look at my retirement portfolio, which shows that I should be working more than full time and putting half into my retirement.  Ugh.

Went to help my brother who got a hip replacement. He had a rough couple weeks but is much better. It felt good to be completely removed from my current life. And it's interesting - from people's reactions for some people it's an amazing thing that I went to help, while I just consider it a normal fact of life. I'm sorry for those who do not have such support.

And one nice thing happened - waiting for my transportation back to the airport some guy was wandering around finding out information about the station. Normal guy - just stopping through and curious. He walked by and looked at me and I said I was from out of town also so couldn't answer questions and smiled. And he quickly moved on but not before saying I was beautiful. So random and so nice!  Feels good.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Winding down and up

I have less than 2 weeks at one of my jobs!  I am so excited. I know, being old and given these times I should be nervous, but I get my benefits through my other job and I have savings and no children or pet to take care of so I'm just going to enjoy some recuperation time. Lord knows I need it. Five years at this place and it's been crazy.

I'm going to use the space to learn about myself and interactions with others, write a history of my siblings for when one of us gets dementia and we want people to know our history (and for the kids' sakes), go on the radio more, perhaps take a course at the local community college (my therapist had recommended dance, but that class is waitlisted, so not sure what else to take), and hopefully work on art more (quilt, make jewelry, photo stuff).  It's a big list!

The learning about myself will be accomplished in large part through continued therapy and a group I'm joining.  Hippie dippy is what I call it. A friend suggested I look into it - she was in the group.  "Embodied inquiry".  Sitting with yourself and your feelings and sitting with others listening and sharing, and doing movement to help it come out. It's 8 sessions of 3 hours. Self led, which makes me a little nervous, but gotta take a risk. It connects with the whole concept of opening up to vulnerability and being strong emotionally. [The Jersey in me is rolling my eyes at myself, but trying to stay open minded.]  I'm petrified of deep feelings from my family. I've shut down emotionally - petrified to date anyone. And it's a way to live, but maybe not a way I want to live anymore.

So that's my new year.