Thursday, February 26, 2015


So I've been figuring out that in the past whenever I had a personal problem my first instinct would be to go to someone else to talk to/help me out/take responsibility for it. This big realization and change to take control/responsibility has come in the last 6-12 months.  I just realized today that I do the same thing in my work. And it needs to stop now.

And we're off....

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A new day

And after a couple weeks of making changes in my life, it's much better. I am working only full days, and the half day is worked remotely. It's made a huge difference. And actually I like my new boss way better than the old. Maybe because she's a woman?  Not sure. I work better with her, and so far so good. I gave my notice, and was all set to leave end March, and then she says today that she wants me to stay until July.

I just had a really odd day. An ex from long ago via FB asked about my and his physical relationship and what the issues were, since he's having issues with his wife. And the guy I met who I have no physical attraction to but with whom I am instant friends really appreciated my text telling him to go see a counselor. Oh, neither of those sentences explain anything.

And I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

The point is, it's ok to not be physically attracted to someone that you feel very close to. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Blind Spot

So in my review on Friday my boss, whose last day was Friday, talked about blind spots. How you think you might know your strengths and weaknesses, but you might not. I thought I was doing ok, but I wasn't, and it was heartbreaking to me. By all rights, I should have been fired. But I have one last chance, since he's gone and my new manager is starting with a clean slate. But I've been working two separate jobs and apparently it's not working, so I'm going figure out a plan to get out within 3 to 6 months. If I can last that long. But I'm hoping that if I have an end date in mind with the idea that I'll make sure that any transition planning as smooth as possible, all will be ok and I'll be able to focus and leave a good impression.

The thing that's hard here is to really know what the problem is. Is it me and horrible working style? Is it the stress of working two jobs throwing my mood out of kilter?  I think it's interesting that I noted to my sister that I've been feeling a little less stable, and I attributed it to losing weight and so my meds must be off. Didn't think of, duh, two jobs. Maybe the stress of that is throwing me off kilter. 

I should feel demoralized and I do a little, but with the idea that I'm leaving, I have energy I think. And I'll make it happen well.

I was so sad to say goodbye to my old boss. He really for the most part was so great to work with, and so funny and we got along so well. And I'll likely never see him again. That added to my crying jag. He was very sad too, and gave me a hug goodbye. Damn, I'm almost tearing up right now.

I remember very few times when I had full brain capacity. And I work so well when it's there. But like Friday, I couldn't answer a simple question and follow a conversation.  And Wednesday, I had so many thoughts doing bumper car runs that I couldn't focus. How the hell do I work with that?

Gotta find a way.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A hem

Do I have your attention?  Ha Ha.  See, the thing is, my sewing machine broke. I was in way too much of a hurry to get the quilt done for my boss- it was the homestretch - and did stuff I shouldn't have.  So, it's fine, because I met a really nice sewing machine repair guy and also drooled over a new sewing machine (only $900  ...).  Yeah, so, I need to get my machine fixed.

New lessons are on the horizon for my old job. Since my boss is leaving I'm left to be managed by an emotional roller coaster. But a very intelligent one. So, I'm going to think positive and will make it work. I'm scared, but I'm better prepared than I was in the past!  It leaves me very unmotivated to work though... Doesn't help that I'm sick.

And I wanted to say that I am grateful that people are interested in me. I appreciate it. I should not just roll my eyes and I won't anymore.

That is all. I am trying to clear my self so I can end on a relaxing note on this weekend.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Fault in Our Stars

Just finished speed reading The Fault in Our Stars.  How nice. I read it way too fast. But one line:

You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.

reaches me.

Met a guy this weekend. He sat down next to me at a weird sound art thing, and we chatted like we knew each other. He's a DJ somewhere on the west coast (I know but not telling you!). We went out afterwards for a drink and we arranged to meet on Sunday at the same place which was having a special event.

He suckered into me going to three things with him on Sunday (I was strong and didn't go Saturday). Amazing things - Church of St. John Coltrane. Wave Organ. And rhumba.  And I had a nice time, though I could tell he was smitten, which became clear in the discussion around food after rhumba. He started getting into discussions about relationships. And he asked the dreaded question, which I've thankfully only been asked once before, "why aren't you with someone right now?".  Meaning, you are so great so you really should be taken. It was interesting hearing what I said.

I ended up seeing him Monday night too, at a bar after seeing the animation shorts from Sundance Film Festival, which blew my mind btw. If you get a chance, see them!  One made entirely of felt - so amazing. And It's such a beautiful day by Don Hertzfeldt. I can't see the full one, but here's Everything Will Be OK.  Amazing.

So, after the bar we stood outside and he was talking. He's a talker. But really an amazing listener too. Intent. And he said a lot of stuff. And I said I was glad he didn't live in the SF area. And he said he's normally not this pushy but it's a short period of time.

We said our goodbyes of course and I felt a little shell-shocked. And what I realized is how high my walls have been built. I haven't wanted to get hurt, so thinking I'm fine living on my own. I mean, not just with guys, but people in general. I mean, part of doing that is because I'm learning how to be me and take care of me and feel comfortable with me. But really I realized I need to be careful and not go overboard. And kind of have been. But I still need to take it slow.

And what about him? Well, problem is, I'm not physically attracted. I tried that once - had a deep love for someone but I just wasn't physically attracted. It was difficult to end it, but in the end I did meet someone I loved deeply AND was physically attracted to. Unfortunate that he died and I feel I'll never get that again. And my last 4,6,8 years have been filled with these weird experiences.

So, my point is, it might be ok to hurt again. But we'll see.

Monday, December 22, 2014

What to expect when you're expecting

Not what you wanted to get, that's for sure.  

I tell two people today that I had a really bad week last week (feeling better today, thank you), both men, and neither gave me the poor you I really wanted. Funny. I so wanted it. One was M, and I honestly don't know why I even think to expect something. He may come visit and I just warned him that last week was a bad week, and not sure how much I will have recuperated by then. I worded it as 'not having great social skills - even less than I normally have'. He appreciated the heads up. That's it. 

But what else should I get?  Well, in the instance of M, at least a 'sorry you had a bad week'.  But, I really should know better than to expect anything.

Oh well, time to move on.

Friday, December 19, 2014

What do I expect?

If I say to someone, "I really hate planning parties" of course noone is going to want to include me in planning. Never mind that I felt like shit and ready to run away screaming and had to force myself to stay and I told the wrong friggin' person that, the person who was FREAKING OUT because we didn't have any drinks with dinner. Intensely saying that there was NOTHING TO DRINK with dinner. Big wide eyes.

Sigh. I'm a leper and a loser.  But a lovable one.

We actually had a great holiday party. Learned how to mix 4 classic cocktails. Taught by a master bartender. I actually made a margarita that I liked. I have never ever liked them before.

Trouble is that when we got there nothing was set up, even though the guy had said all would be ok. I felt like a loser. I hadn't set up any sort of gift exchange, and got a look for that in the elevator down to the bus. The bus was a party bus but with no alcohol. Loser didn't think of it.

Oh well. Life does go on.