Tuesday, October 2, 2018

And, I'm off

To the races. Met a guy who I like. Have had sex which is quite good. I don't want to be in a relationship but there it is. Therapist has been away for a month+ and seeing her on Wednesday and so there will be a lot to talk about.

That being said, I fear he might just be so excited to have a 'relationship' and actually have an orgasm that that's what is driving everything. He writes poetry about me, he wants to be with me, and I'm cautious. He had said he had feelings for another woman and was quite open about it on Friday and I just said screw it I'll live in the moment, and I really wanted to have sex. And we ended up spending a lot of time together on the weekend and have plans for next weekend. 

But in the meantime, he said he would text me last night and didn't and hasn't been in touch this morning. Focusing on the other woman?  Who knows. Good thing is I can ask all these questions when we speak and from what I can tell he's honest. I don't need him being all 'gotta have you' and then pull back. I don't like being the other woman - I've been there done that and don't ever want to do it again. But it's nice to even have a fake relationship for a while, if it is fake.

Oh, he's recovering alcoholic (10 months), been in a lot of therapy, and in touch with his feelings and able to communicate them. And he's ok with my issues. So, that to me is a good basis.

Off to QUILT

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Moving forward using all my breath

Yeah, the rest doesn't really apply.

Seven months later... Still no second job. It's way too comfortable to only work half time.

Biggest news:

1) my brother was diagnosed with ALS. I've been through several stages of grief, and trying to move forward and not block out the feelings.

2) I'm doing OK Cupid. It's so weird, this online dating thing. Being able to say no. Being able to say yes. It's strange. I did finally tell M that I'm doing it, and it was as if nothing had happened. Which is great. I worry and in the end that energy could have been used for something else.

Like making a damn quilt for my sister!!  Gotta get it done by Christmas. It will be a more traditional quilt (less creative) but it will have positive descriptive words about her all over it, so she can see it.

Ho ho  ho

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Dumpster diving for dinner

Um, literally. I had to write this because I just can't believe I did it.

There was leftover food that was out on the table everyone can access. Before she left for the day my colleague threw the remainder in the compost bin. There were not many people around today. So after my colleague left I went and pulled out the cheese cubes, containers of baba ganouj and hummus, carrot sticks, grape tomatoes, and olives.  My arms in the end smelled like I had bathed in a greek dishwasher. Insane, but delicious, and free, and not wasteful.

If there is any version of this is your life or a question someone I'm going to marry asks me - what was your potentially most embarrassing moment, this would be it.

Though it almost ties a real embarrassing moment - freezing my vegetable scraps and egg shells and bringing them to the climbing gym to put into the compost and dropping the bag before I made it there so frozen vegetable pieces and egg shells scattered all over the floor and people had to help me pick it up. THAT happened. I think I may have left the gym that evening.  I remember someone saying "are those frozen vegetable pieces??".

Oh, and I feel so much better after 3.5 months of recuperation and am almost thinking about what to do in the future.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Freeeeee and more

I'm free!  No more stressful annoying job. Already getting too used to working half time. Unfortunately it gives me time to look at my retirement portfolio, which shows that I should be working more than full time and putting half into my retirement.  Ugh.

Went to help my brother who got a hip replacement. He had a rough couple weeks but is much better. It felt good to be completely removed from my current life. And it's interesting - from people's reactions for some people it's an amazing thing that I went to help, while I just consider it a normal fact of life. I'm sorry for those who do not have such support.

And one nice thing happened - waiting for my transportation back to the airport some guy was wandering around finding out information about the station. Normal guy - just stopping through and curious. He walked by and looked at me and I said I was from out of town also so couldn't answer questions and smiled. And he quickly moved on but not before saying I was beautiful. So random and so nice!  Feels good.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Winding down and up

I have less than 2 weeks at one of my jobs!  I am so excited. I know, being old and given these times I should be nervous, but I get my benefits through my other job and I have savings and no children or pet to take care of so I'm just going to enjoy some recuperation time. Lord knows I need it. Five years at this place and it's been crazy.

I'm going to use the space to learn about myself and interactions with others, write a history of my siblings for when one of us gets dementia and we want people to know our history (and for the kids' sakes), go on the radio more, perhaps take a course at the local community college (my therapist had recommended dance, but that class is waitlisted, so not sure what else to take), and hopefully work on art more (quilt, make jewelry, photo stuff).  It's a big list!

The learning about myself will be accomplished in large part through continued therapy and a group I'm joining.  Hippie dippy is what I call it. A friend suggested I look into it - she was in the group.  "Embodied inquiry".  Sitting with yourself and your feelings and sitting with others listening and sharing, and doing movement to help it come out. It's 8 sessions of 3 hours. Self led, which makes me a little nervous, but gotta take a risk. It connects with the whole concept of opening up to vulnerability and being strong emotionally. [The Jersey in me is rolling my eyes at myself, but trying to stay open minded.]  I'm petrified of deep feelings from my family. I've shut down emotionally - petrified to date anyone. And it's a way to live, but maybe not a way I want to live anymore.

So that's my new year.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Rumbling with Regret

I'm reading Brene Brown's Rising Strong. Or rather read it. One section gives me reason to think. 

"If you have no regrets, or you intentionally set out to live without regrets, I think you're missing the very value of regret."

"Regret is one of the most powerful emotional reminders that change and growth are necessary."

I'm still thinking of that. But it made me want to come here and write it, 8 months after my last post.

Peru was great.
Seeing the total eclipse in Oregon was great.
Canyoneering in Zion was great.
Going to NJ for Christmas will be great.
Ending one of my jobs January 31st will be great.

And the rest will be great too...

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Sonic Highways

I'm watching the Dave Grohl series called Sonic Highways, where he goes to major music cities and learns about the history of the area and the studios and writes a song based on that experience.  It's inspiring and heartfelt and, having just watched the NY one, a little depressing. The idea of character fading from a city - just as it's fading from SF. Corporations taking over. Little shops disappearing.  I guess maybe you could say well, it already happened in rural areas, and has leached into cities.

Let's go back to inspiring. Creativity. It is your responsibility if you have a gift to bring it to the world.  I like to think I have a gift. I am slowly bringing it to the world.

I'm also getting inspired by my upcoming trip to Peru. A friend is living there for 6 months (her husband is Peruvian) and I'm visiting in May. I really have no desired to see the landscape. I want to spend time with people. I want to maybe volunteer. I want cultural experiences. I want to blend.  (ha!).  And maybe get inspired to get back overseas to live. THAT would take a great leap of faith. Me with my medical issues, and being over 50, leaving the US to live abroad and come back with no job.  My o my.

We shall see. We shall see. For right now, I have to do my job(s) well so people might someday want me back.  :-)