Sunday, January 25, 2015

A hem

Do I have your attention?  Ha Ha.  See, the thing is, my sewing machine broke. I was in way too much of a hurry to get the quilt done for my boss- it was the homestretch - and did stuff I shouldn't have.  So, it's fine, because I met a really nice sewing machine repair guy and also drooled over a new sewing machine (only $900  ...).  Yeah, so, I need to get my machine fixed.

New lessons are on the horizon for my old job. Since my boss is leaving I'm left to be managed by an emotional roller coaster. But a very intelligent one. So, I'm going to think positive and will make it work. I'm scared, but I'm better prepared than I was in the past!  It leaves me very unmotivated to work though... Doesn't help that I'm sick.

And I wanted to say that I am grateful that people are interested in me. I appreciate it. I should not just roll my eyes and I won't anymore.

That is all. I am trying to clear my self so I can end on a relaxing note on this weekend.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Fault in Our Stars

Just finished speed reading The Fault in Our Stars.  How nice. I read it way too fast. But one line:

You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.

reaches me.

Met a guy this weekend. He sat down next to me at a weird sound art thing, and we chatted like we knew each other. He's a DJ somewhere on the west coast (I know but not telling you!). We went out afterwards for a drink and we arranged to meet on Sunday at the same place which was having a special event.

He suckered into me going to three things with him on Sunday (I was strong and didn't go Saturday). Amazing things - Church of St. John Coltrane. Wave Organ. And rhumba.  And I had a nice time, though I could tell he was smitten, which became clear in the discussion around food after rhumba. He started getting into discussions about relationships. And he asked the dreaded question, which I've thankfully only been asked once before, "why aren't you with someone right now?".  Meaning, you are so great so you really should be taken. It was interesting hearing what I said.

I ended up seeing him Monday night too, at a bar after seeing the animation shorts from Sundance Film Festival, which blew my mind btw. If you get a chance, see them!  One made entirely of felt - so amazing. And It's such a beautiful day by Don Hertzfeldt. I can't see the full one, but here's Everything Will Be OK.  Amazing.

So, after the bar we stood outside and he was talking. He's a talker. But really an amazing listener too. Intent. And he said a lot of stuff. And I said I was glad he didn't live in the SF area. And he said he's normally not this pushy but it's a short period of time.

We said our goodbyes of course and I felt a little shell-shocked. And what I realized is how high my walls have been built. I haven't wanted to get hurt, so thinking I'm fine living on my own. I mean, not just with guys, but people in general. I mean, part of doing that is because I'm learning how to be me and take care of me and feel comfortable with me. But really I realized I need to be careful and not go overboard. And kind of have been. But I still need to take it slow.

And what about him? Well, problem is, I'm not physically attracted. I tried that once - had a deep love for someone but I just wasn't physically attracted. It was difficult to end it, but in the end I did meet someone I loved deeply AND was physically attracted to. Unfortunate that he died and I feel I'll never get that again. And my last 4,6,8 years have been filled with these weird experiences.

So, my point is, it might be ok to hurt again. But we'll see.

Monday, December 22, 2014

What to expect when you're expecting

Not what you wanted to get, that's for sure.  

I tell two people today that I had a really bad week last week (feeling better today, thank you), both men, and neither gave me the poor you I really wanted. Funny. I so wanted it. One was M, and I honestly don't know why I even think to expect something. He may come visit and I just warned him that last week was a bad week, and not sure how much I will have recuperated by then. I worded it as 'not having great social skills - even less than I normally have'. He appreciated the heads up. That's it. 

But what else should I get?  Well, in the instance of M, at least a 'sorry you had a bad week'.  But, I really should know better than to expect anything.

Oh well, time to move on.

Friday, December 19, 2014

What do I expect?

If I say to someone, "I really hate planning parties" of course noone is going to want to include me in planning. Never mind that I felt like shit and ready to run away screaming and had to force myself to stay and I told the wrong friggin' person that, the person who was FREAKING OUT because we didn't have any drinks with dinner. Intensely saying that there was NOTHING TO DRINK with dinner. Big wide eyes.

Sigh. I'm a leper and a loser.  But a lovable one.

We actually had a great holiday party. Learned how to mix 4 classic cocktails. Taught by a master bartender. I actually made a margarita that I liked. I have never ever liked them before.

Trouble is that when we got there nothing was set up, even though the guy had said all would be ok. I felt like a loser. I hadn't set up any sort of gift exchange, and got a look for that in the elevator down to the bus. The bus was a party bus but with no alcohol. Loser didn't think of it.

Oh well. Life does go on.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Demon Wrangling

I come back to my old friend the blog when I have to talk to myself. Figure things out.

I feel sometimes like I have a demon inside that is pushing trying to break me from inside. Recently it's been a voice telling me that I'm no good, don't know how to do a good job, can't organize a party well, don't know how to interact normally, etc. I seriously have had to try to find ways to drown it out. I wonder if it's come up because I haven't been climbing much, so it doesn't give me that meditation I need. 

At least I stop myself, or have until now. I'm going to give myself a break right here and now and say that it's great that I'm recognizing it, and not falling into the traps, and also the woe is me. I desperately wanted to talk to someone on Tuesday but I managed to sort of work through it. I want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok, but I have to tell it to myself. It's a movement towards being able to take care of myself, make the right mental choices, allow myself to not be all I think I should be, but just be who I am. And carry on the lessons learned from my therapy - like people aren't attacking you when they remark on how much coffee there is there and that it doesn't stay fresh (when you are the person responsible for ordering).

Eventually I'd like to get to the point that I can let all things roll over me and be the perfect employee and so on. Ha. But not really ha.  But I can choose to not wallow in depression. Not be enticed by the demons and lose control. But the wrangling is better than being squashed.

Friday, October 24, 2014

It's not you, it's my wife

I realized I neglected to mention what happened after the party where I poured the host tequila. A week (or 2?) I get a text that he left his wife the day after that party, in part because he saw by interacting with me that there was 'life on the other side'. WTF.  Because I am curious and stupid and actually didn't remember him all that much, I agreed to meet him for a drink.  As long as I wasn't seen as the other woman who broke up his marriage. 

And o boy, that was an experience. Him giving details on why their marriage went bad (the children), and how lonely he was (no sex in 10 years). I think at that point I told him that he had just overshared.  Oh and I had NO interest in him physically whatsoever (I didn't tell him that - even I'm not that blunt unless he had tried to make some sort of aggressive move on me). He's 60, but an old 60 and not a young 60 like M.

It was such a great experience to write to him and tell him that I think he needs to take time to process what he's going through and I am not the one to help him through that process. Yay me!  In the past I would have felt sorry, oh he's a nice guy, and all that BS and gone on another 'date' just to see.  Quite honestly having herpes in both places now (yeck) has made me free-er. It's easier to say no because I don't really want to get into it all with someone who has no promise. Even then I don't want to get into it, though that's a whole 'nother story. Sometimes I want to be hugged and wanted, and I look at, and then realize, nah.  M is still in the picture, but I'm starting finally to have it sink in how stressed I get when I interact with him too much. Expectations, etc. So more and more I'm feeling single, and it's nice.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A wink and a nod are the same to a blind man

Yeah, don't ask my what that has to do with anything.

So, I have a half time job at the university and a half time job where I worked before. It's a little insane because of the commuting, but I think either job is helping me survive the other one. Of course it's been so long I have no idea where I left off in this blog, but evil person is gone and I'm in his spot and it's great.

I finished the quilt for my brother and I should post a shot. Doing one for a former coworker that I don't like very much (the quilt, not the coworker). I look at it and have little motivation to continue... but I will.

Billy says hi.  Or is that 'feed me!'. He's pissing me off because all it seems he wants is food. More so thank usual. Which makes me think I should take him to the vet. When really likely it is nothing.

There's more to say, but I need to go to bed. Lesson learning - don't take things personally. It may be all about them.