Dumped

Not surprisingly, I was dumped on Tuesday morning. Via email of all things. Can't spend his life worrying about whether or not I'll get sick. I have too many health issues. (I'm assuming he means getting migraines, having bipolar 2, and having herpes - the trifecta).  It's a first. The first time I've been dumped because of physical limitations. It tore a hole in me for a little bit, but then realized I feel free again. I don't need to worry about what someone else is thinking of me, of being open enough, sexy enough, smart enough, strong enough, healthy enough.

I will miss him though. Marvellously complex man with an amazing body, and younger than me! I knew though from the one short hike we did that I couldn't keep up with him, so in the end it's good it ended now. Because he would have broken my heart any later. As it is now, I'm just sad. I would love to have gotten to know him better, and to see what I could become alongside him.

And, it created that break with M that I needed, that we needed. He told me last night that he felt kicked in the stomach when he found out I was dating - even though he said he was fine he wasn't. But then again, felt really sad for me when he found out I was dumped. So, maybe we can be friends for real. He did say basically that he could relate to the guy since he thought essentially the same thing when he was younger. Even with me he didn't really like it much but could deal. Ah, that's my M... always open and blunt. And perhaps there's hope for the other guy 15 years from now.

updater

Well, how about you go away for a weekend to the mountains to relax with your date, and after hiking for 35 minutes you realize you're getting a headache, and want to stop, but don't. So at the last 10 minutes before the car a migraine just blows your body away such that you throw up 3 times and get so weak you have to sit down. (and a dog comes by and tries to eat your vomit, also). Ah yes, that's what I call making memories. And throw up 3 more times after getting into the car (but managed to get out of the car to do so). And throw up three or four times in the car to the hotel that you suddenly have to stay in instead of a campground. And throw up about 6-7 times in the hotel before and after collapsing into bed. Ah, that's what I call a pleasant Saturday.

Yes, that was lovely. And Sunday I kinda had a different headache all day.

So I guess I'm not so perfect after all.

I am coming to hate that first glow of a relationship. Ah, everything is sunshine and rainbows, until it's not. And then what happens? Reality. Making it through reality is the hard part. Not sure it will happen with this one, but at least I don't have my entire heart invested in it! M knows that there's another boy - his biggest concern is that Billy be treated well!  Written only semi-jokingly.

All this time goes by and that's all I write?  Yep!!!  I gotta go visit y'all.  (The problem is that I don't get on this computer too much anymore...and likely I"ve already said that...)

Damn those Girl Scouts!

I have just eaten 3 samoas.  It's not like they've really gotten better over the years, but they are right in front of my face. I gotta put them away. Damn my sister too!

My sister, nieces, brother and sister-in-law came to visit for a week. They left yesterday, and it was really sad to see them go. Only a few minor family hiccups, so overall we had a great time. Monterrey Bay Aquarium, Fort Funston, Golden Gate Park, Muir Woods, Alcatraz, cable car, Chinatown. Whew!  It's great to have a great area to show off. I drove everyone around, and was happy doing so. I even got half a day of the rental minivan cost returned because when they asked me how my experience was, I told them about when we picked it up (waited a relatively long time for them to clean it, then it wasn't really clean, then had to wait for gas...)

As for other parts of my life... well... I guess I'm dating?  I've stumbled into an exclusive 'relationship'?  Sigh. I'll admit it someday. I'm trying to balance checking in with myself to make sure I'm ok with it with thinking too much about it. Being scared and being realistic. Being excited and being dependent. Sigh. At least he's a patient guy, and seemingly very excited. And, best yet, NOT a climber!  Woo hoo!  It's about time. He is athletic, but just in other things. And I've told him I don't want to climb with him. I want to keep a separation.

So, now I have to follow my own wisdom and tell M - and if he chooses to not talk to me after that, his loss. Sigh.

But in the end I think it's a good thing.  :-)

Selectively Neglected

Ah yes, it's been a while. Missed you all! And at least one of you missed me, since she had to call and get an update on my life rather than read this blog. ;-)  It's all a plot on my end to get phone calls. Ha.

But her comment was, well life must be going well since you haven't written on your blog. Hmm.. That's mostly true. Thing is, I get things in my head I want to talk about/write about, but I can't do it at work anymore. Gone are the days when I wasted a lot of time at work to vomit out my feelings.  And evenings have been busy - I've chosen other things to focus on for the moment.

Work is going really well. I had a trip for work, and that went great. It was nice to be seen out of my normal context, which at the moment is still at a lower level than I would like. My boss is great. My coworkers are great. And life is overall great. The one bad thing at the moment is my mom is starting to get aggressive. It's so sad to have that happen when she's been so calm and nice her whole life. I don't have to experience it in person and I truly thank god for that. We'll try to figure something out that's not medication, at least in the beginning.

I did see an old friend on my trip, who I haven't seen in 10 years. So nice to just jump right in. She's one of those women too who just have men pop up when one is out the door. It's nuts. I'm struggling to keep my distance and still get to know some guys.

I just had one guy say to me yesterday how he would like to know if there's even a chance for something in the future. There was of course a longer story, and he wasn't pushing (at least intentionally). I appreciated him being willing (and able!) to say what was on his mind. I was upset initially because I thought he wasn't going to to want to speak with me ever again. I was very flustered, and babbled, but eventually stopped speaking. I was glad I stopped speaking, as I may have started promising something I don't want to deliver on. I truly don't want a relationship right now, but then again, I want to get to know great people. Seems like I can't have it both, but we'll see. As I was talking with my roommate, I realized all I can do is be honest about where I am, and if he, for instance, chooses to do something or nothing because of that, well, that's his choice. And I have to be true to myself and not promise something just to keep people in my life.

It pisses me off sometimes that getting to know guys always comes with the relationship tag, but that's the way of the world.

It's funny that he and other people see me as being so positive and outgoing. Maybe I'm beginning to become a new me? I have to be sure I don't continue to argue with them and say that's not me. "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are yours."  

Homeless poetry

I went to a show on Thursday night - music. Thollem Mcdonas and an amazing drummer, improvising. Really incredible. See his site. Fingers flying and such a grasp of music.

Outside the venue there was a homeless woman selling Street Spirit - "Justice News and Homeless Blues in the Bay Area". So I bought one.

The whole issue is poetry, and some is pretty damn good. I'm going to periodically post some.  Here's one:

Scapegoats
by Joan Clair

"Their transgressions, even all their sins...he shall put upon the head of the goat and shall send him away into the wilderness."  -- Leviticus

I feel the weight of collective sin in the soup
kitchen, not to be escaped on the crushed
shoulders of those eating silntly there,
eathing the lie they have nothing to share,
a bread so heavy it hasn't the leaven
to lift thier souls to a new have.
I smell wafts of scapegoats in the air.
And there are those who would do more
than allow a few to feed
the bodies and souls of those in need.
To solve the plight of those they want unseen
they'd drive them entirly out of sight
from their solitary ghettos
into the wilderness
bearing all our sins.

Building a trail

So that's the before and after (not exactly the same place, but you get the idea. A lot of work, but a lot of fun!  That pile of rocks is the basis for the small rock wall I built. So much fun. And then it was covered in dirt.

Stay on the outside layer

So, writing before I go do trail work because I can't get it out of my head. Perseveration!!!

I just think that it's best for me to maintain the glossy exterior of someone who is kind, pleasant, intelligent, etc. Don't go any deeper to see the insecurities, the social mistakes, etc.

Work:
- Got to know one woman, who is outgoing towards everyone, and in a nice way. Not rough around the edges like me. Peeking through the glass to see if the pizza guy came for the group lunch yesterday, I kept peeking. She was in front of me and looked at me like 'what you doing girl? are you nuts' (in a nice, funny way). I just made a comment that I was trying to see down her shirt. Now, if I were a guy, she could sue me. It wasn't really funny. I don't know why I said it. To be crass? I guess. The guy next to me was like 'what?'.
- Wrote a reply to an email that was copied to tons of people catching someone on a very nitpicky point, when it could have easily been just ignored. Great introduction to all these people.
- Was negative twice in the group presentation. Why do I need to be negative?

I don't need to let to let the Jersey out. It's ok if she stays in.

Personal:
- get a little closer to someone, and start the negative interpretations. Actually I have started doing that even at work. I need to stop.

I'll blame it all on the fact that I haven't climbed in 2 weeks. Sigh. Wish I could.

OK, off to do trail work.