Sunday, October 25, 2015

Supernova personality

There's a woman I met recently. We get along really well - she's from Ohio and recently moved here. And we laugh at the same things. Unfortunately she's a lesbian and I believe I made it clear that I'm not. But it kind of irritates me that now that I have really short hair we could look like a couple.

That's rather silly/stupid, but it's my nonsense lead in. It's overwhelming being with her. She's so out there. Not in a spacey sort of way, but in a way - like she's cut open down the middle of her chest and leaves it all out there. She's also very perceptive. So it combines to make me often not comfortable spending time with her. Well, not really. It's just so tiring. She just busts out everything. And I mean that almost literally. So much energy! Thing is, I don't want her analyzing me. I don't want to hear about her transcendendant group that she's studying with (and had to pay $4,000 to join for a year). I don't want to hear about the article she read about red meat giving you cancer. I just want to enjoy here and now and occasionally have some deep thought instead of living in the deep.

Does that make me shallow?  No, I don't think so. It just makes me tired. It's not what I grew up with. Thing is, I could learn from it if I give it a chance. But really I am not ready. For what?  For someone to see me?  Don't know. Am I putting myself down if I say I don't have the energy to deal with weighty matters?  Because I don't feel like I do. I've mentioned that before I think. Maybe my spirit animal is an ostrich?

I wanted to write here to think it out. But not sure it's getting me anywhere.

We met up to go to open studios in SF. Met some great artists, including Paul Madonna who I love. It was good doing it with someone. Because there's a confidence that comes from being with someone. But I was anxious about meeting up with her, and really just needed to separate after a while. I think I can handle about a half hour or one hour at the most. Thing is, we're really in tune with each other. Meaning like soul connected or something. So maybe that makes it more tiring.

Not sure. But it was interesting to start thinking of myself as an artist talking to other artists.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


Very exciting news.  I put a photo I took into an art show and it sold!  Pretty damn amazing. I had printed it on art paper and mounted it on professional mounting, so it wasn't from Costco or anything (not that that is horrible but I'm trying to be an ar-teest). I didn't put a high price so after covering costs and the commission, I think I made $12?  Whatever. It was good to be sold.  I'm on my way!

It was serendipity that got me to enter the one I did. My boss of all people sat down that morning after I was trying to decide which one to enter and told me about the new Elizabeth Gilbert book: Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.  I told her that I had rejected a photo because one element was out of focus, and she tells me that maybe people would like it that way! I showed her the photo and she said something like I can't believe you are wondering about it - it's a great photo.

So yeah, now I have to continue to move forward.  Gotta do a website! And more!

Anyway, it's really cool to be validated by a stranger who is willing to part with money for what I did. I have supporters who tell me what a good eye I have and all, but I haven't moved forward really. Of course my brother says to direct the buyer to his ebay listing since he has a piece from the same artist (me - I did a canvas print for him of another photo).

Of course there's more to my life, but had to brag.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Relationships in CA

So I briefly mentioned I am trying/tried match and OKCupid. Here's a list of things you may never think about, but seem to be prevalent here, and they kind of bleed into each other, so here's a stream of consciousness.

Open relationships: even if you are with someone, you can be with someone else but you don't have to tell about it. I am not sure how this differs from polyamorous, though I think for that there's a primary and secondary/ies. (Had one guy recently I would have loved to get to know. He's married and I'd see him a couple times in a month. I was tempted, I must admit.)

And then there are the people who are married who are allowed to have sex with others. (I've been hit on for that too.) There are indeed people who truly just want to bang someone else, but some are nice people and I can't see them maintaining a distance. One married guy I know I am so attracted to and he has an OK from his wife, but it's crap that it would only be about sex. He made out with some woman and his wife was VERY upset - I guess she watched Pretty Woman. Besides, I couldn't have it only be about sex. So where does that leave the non-married one?

And then the couples that want a third.... and swingers... and... and....

Now with these open relationships, half of them say they don't want someone with HSV. Which is such bullshit. I really don't think there's a good test for it. And there are people who don't know they have it, including YOU perhaps. So you are rolling the dice, and counting on people to be knowledgeable and honest.

I doubt very much that it's only in CA, but it's very open here for sure!

Oh,and then there's the spam. I fell for one once. So nicely written and cute photo.  First email address they gave me turned out to be a woman. I wrote back and said that there was some problem, and he/it sent a new email address.  I asked if he/it was spam, and he/it replied not spam and asked me to tell him/it more about himself/itself. But with horrible capitalization and punctuation. So I wrote back and said I'm a lonely lonely woman and that my mother needs surgery and could he/it please send me $5,000. To date I have received no reply.

I did get hit on last night by a supposed 23 year old. NFW.

I may become a monk.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Clean-er abstract-er

So, my boss had a conversation with me on Friday. They did some office reorganizing and she was surprised at how much crap there was around the office. She asked if it was my job to clean it up. She said she really didn't know. Part of me thinks that statement is true and part of it thinks it was a set up. Because of course who else should do it?

Why didn't I do it?  Did I not feel empowered to do it? That question irritates me. Empowered to clean and throw stuff away? WTF.

It's a question of priorities. I will do that which is necessary until it's called to my attention that it's not enough. Is that a horrible attitude when it comes to cleanliness? Or is it reality?  It's also not anything you get acknowledged for.

I hate the menial parts of my job. But that's half of my job. So I can't hate it. And I kind of like it too. Don't have to think too much. But is that really good? I was ok with it when I was 100% sure I was doing the art stuff, but I wonder if that's going by the wayside. What's my motivation?  Like I'm an actor in a play, starring me in my life.

Different standards exist but you follow what your boss' is. At least that is the lesson learned. Another lesson: overcoming the nonprofit attitude - you don't need to save, you can always buy more.

Moving forward: don't worry about whether it will be right and not do it. Do it and be wrong. Does that only apply to the upper echelon?

Such a simple issue and far too much thought around it.

Let it go grasshopper.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Feed two small nations

Feed two small nations with one very large milkshake.


Had my birthday milkshake today. It's one of those places that has extra in the stainless container so you really have 1.5 or even close to two in one "serving".  I was going to stop, and then I didn't.  Oh well, my afterburps are quite delicious too.


I've had a few spiritual things happen recently. It seriously crossed my mind to wonder if that meant I was going to die soon.  Actually hopefully not.

I met with this one higher up at my college job, and for some reason at the end remarked that I felt so comfortable in her office. That I wasn't sure if it was her or the furnishings or what. And she shared that she sweeps (I think smudge is the more official term). Uses herbs to sweep out the spirits.She said she had never told anyone before which was quite cool, and thought I must be very sensitive.

OUCH [kidding]

Then I had lunch with a new person in the school. She's from Ohio and is very thoughtful. Very much caught up in a certain way of thinking that sounds cult-ish to me but she swears it's not. In any event, at lunch she started to talk on another plane - something very theoretical and focused (and somewhat cult-ish) and my brain started to hurt and I felt like she was pulling us under into this deep well of thought, so I told her stop and look up at the fog going by overhead. She laughed because just that morning she was writing and something apparently came out of her which said that to go deeper she should look up. And there I was reminding her of that. So yeah, I think that's cool.


Jobs are good. sucks. So does OK Cupid.

Friday, July 24, 2015

What's new pussycat?

Meow meow meow meow.

I miss Billy.

But what else. I came here with something to say but forgot on the way here.

The Greek came on through my area the following weekend and we did a show together. One of the more stressful times in my recent life. Just two entirely different approaches and also two other people hanging out getting in the way. The Greek and his companion stayed at my place overnight and I haven't really interacted with him too much since then. A case of reality I think. I'm very interesting because you think there's so much there and then you realize there isn't. Or it's much more difficult to deal with than you thought it would be.

Not to be down on myself or anything.  Ha.

I don't have his energy, enthusiasm, ability to care about so many things that are outside of my capacity to do anything about. Sure black lives matter, but it's for someone else to do something about. Isn't that horrible? I'm too busy making sure my mind and body stay in balance so I don't blow up. Sigh, that really sounds horrible. Part of it is that I see too many sides and can't spend my energy on one. Part of it is I'm a little too selfish and ostrich-y.

OK, what else?

It's nice to have Nathan around even though he's annoying. He was just walking into my closet, verrry carefullly, and I make a little sound with my feet and he jumps a foot straight into the air and sideways.  Ha Ha! Now he's in a small space in the back corner - hiding away.

I am now working three jobs. It's going ok, but may need to reduce hours on one. It's nice to have the extra money since my rent is going up and up and up, but I need the free time more. Where should I live when I eventually get priced out of this area?  Not sure.  Ideas?

Okey dokey.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Let down

Just back from a week away on vacation with family (sister and nieces) and a stops along the way to spend a day with M, my new radio friend, and my friend B. It's sinking in that I have to go back to reality, dammit. And on top of that I start my 3rd job on Wednesday, so freaking a little about that.

My new radio friend, the Greek as he will hereafter be known, has a lot of good friends. His birthday party included people he's known since the 70's, and then me, the newest good friend. Really great group of people. He is great, in part because he is so fascinated with me. And I mean that actually - I have to consistently check that I'm interested in maintaining contact because of who he is rather than how great he thinks I am.

During and after the visit with M with my family, I was able to see a bunch of the stuff that isn't always in my face. Negative stuff I mean. But somewhat stupid, like obsessing that my nieces weren't using the toaster like he thought it should be used. Though they were reading the directions on the toaster. And just the way he did that is how he interacts with me regularly.  Not great.

And then the Greek (who, btw, is also a hippie and about M's age) supposedly is OK with being friends, but he asks me to stay and share the bed with him - to cuddle. I actually have no doubt that his intentions are actually good - truly to cuddle - but I just don't trust guys and for very good reason. And it's not me to do that. If I'm going to do it, I'll be in a relationship. 

But his suggestion and repeated suggestion made me anxious thinking about all the associated life events associated with men, including how it is so difficult to interact with M when it's so easy with the Greek. And the guy from high school that I was so linked to it felt like his soul was tearing away from mine when I broke up with him (because I was not physically attracted to him). And the one person I had both with in a real relationship.

Wondering when and if I will have another real relationship and realizing how scared I am of that happening.