Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Rumbling with Regret

I'm reading Brene Brown's Rising Strong. Or rather read it. One section gives me reason to think. 

"If you have no regrets, or you intentionally set out to live without regrets, I think you're missing the very value of regret."

"Regret is one of the most powerful emotional reminders that change and growth are necessary."

I'm still thinking of that. But it made me want to come here and write it, 8 months after my last post.

Peru was great.
Seeing the total eclipse in Oregon was great.
Canyoneering in Zion was great.
Going to NJ for Christmas will be great.
Ending one of my jobs January 31st will be great.

And the rest will be great too...

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Sonic Highways

I'm watching the Dave Grohl series called Sonic Highways, where he goes to major music cities and learns about the history of the area and the studios and writes a song based on that experience.  It's inspiring and heartfelt and, having just watched the NY one, a little depressing. The idea of character fading from a city - just as it's fading from SF. Corporations taking over. Little shops disappearing.  I guess maybe you could say well, it already happened in rural areas, and has leached into cities.

Let's go back to inspiring. Creativity. It is your responsibility if you have a gift to bring it to the world.  I like to think I have a gift. I am slowly bringing it to the world.

I'm also getting inspired by my upcoming trip to Peru. A friend is living there for 6 months (her husband is Peruvian) and I'm visiting in May. I really have no desired to see the landscape. I want to spend time with people. I want to maybe volunteer. I want cultural experiences. I want to blend.  (ha!).  And maybe get inspired to get back overseas to live. THAT would take a great leap of faith. Me with my medical issues, and being over 50, leaving the US to live abroad and come back with no job.  My o my.

We shall see. We shall see. For right now, I have to do my job(s) well so people might someday want me back.  :-)

Thursday, April 6, 2017


It's raining hard, which is great.
There was a great horned owl in a tree by my work.
My niece got into her school of choice. But they only gave $7,600 in scholarship because they think my sister alone can contribute 1/2-1/3 of her salary per year to paying for tuition.
A FB 'friend' is so excited that Trump bombed Syria. We can only hope the world war lasts until his son has to go overseas to die.
I haven't gotten a migraine in a little while. The PT might be working.
Even though I've cut down on my interactions with M I still manage to offend/hurt him.
I tried OK Cupid for a few days. I hate online crap - I can't communicate in the way I need to.

I think I just need to go to sleep.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Zeal - land

You need some sheep.
These are shorn sheep.
Not Shaun the sheep.

Had a wonderful time. Met interesting people. Saw amazing places. And ultimately, realized that the US is great in terms of landscape. Of course, I live in a lovely part of the US, but there are so many other places in the US that are just as amazing, some of which I have not been to. So rather than spend tons of money going to another foreign country, I'm gonna spend some money in the US. Help out all those people who don't get jobs from the new president.

OK, gotta vent. Why do I want to hang out with someone who always is quick to point out when I am wrong and often is right about me being wrong? [rolling my eyes at myself]  But the ultimate question is, do I feel comfortable and myself with this person?  Not really.  Or when I let myself relax I slip up and do the thing that annoys and get confronted with it.  Damn, this is so complicated. I'd rather just always be alone. It's much easier that way.  Speaking of M by the way. There are just some times I don't want to learn a life lesson. And there are some times when someone is just too damn sensitive.

And sometimes that person is me.

Saturday, February 4, 2017


Nuts is a tame word for all that's going on in the US.  So trying to not get overwhelmed. My escape from life comes February 18.  Headed to New Zealand!  Yay!  We'll see if there's a country to come back to.  I really need to believe in my fellow Americans to help the country survive, but we are so spoiled and lazy and arrogant as a whole that I fear. But yes, it takes just one (as Michael Moore says, and others I know) to start a movement.  See the website whatthefuckjusthappenedtoday.com for updates.  If you know of another site let me know. I was going to start one but of course others have done it. Phew.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Monkey See

It's December!  Not 3-6 months from when I wrote last. I'm doing fine.

Oops, got sidetracked for about 20 minutes in a non-incognito window...

Here's one of the images I have in my head when I need to get away from it all. Went to a National Forest in July. Camped in a field for free. One morning, I just sat on a log and watched the bees go from small flower to small flower. The thing was, the flower was not on a very strong stem, so it would bend over almost to the ground when the bee sat in it. But it bounced right back up.

I sold a few notecards. To friends of course. But I take these baby steps, and, someday I may rule the world.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

And now it's November

I may start a new thing with this blog that I guess what my life is going to be like 3-6 months from my post, and go back and see how it is. Might not work though, as I will have known I wrote it.

So, the boy moved, and after writing to him/calling him and he was always very busy, which I completely understood, I finally said that I wasn't trying to harass, I was trying to help so wouldn't have to do the effort. And finally, via text, he wrote to me that his wife decided to move to MI so he could take care of her. Many people said that he had lied that he was getting a divorce. I don't think that's the case. I think he lied when he didn't tell me she was moving out there so he could take care of her (she is 12 years older and they had no kids). In any event, that ship sailed. Deleted all numbers and thought I deleted all photos and then it shows up when I sign into Shutterfly. WTF!!  Whatever.

My boss left, I am in charge of office, I got raise, and so far haven't completely broken down. I am not one to take over, to forge ahead and do things without really knowing everything. So it's a challenge. I need to do weekly pep talks and I haven't given myself one in a couple months. It's an attitude thing. Fake it until you make it. Fake it until you become it.

Which is odd, as I am pretty depressed. But putting on a good show keeps me going in this case. What begets what? Is pretending creating reality?  Or helping to create it? Not sure.

What I came here to write about is that I again praised my sister for keeping her shit together. I feel sometimes I barely am, and I don't have a house, two kids, etc.  When speaking with her, she told me she fell apart last week at work. And then starting crying because she said she is always on the edge of falling apart. OMG I did not know what to do. My sister in law came out from her class and I turned to her and said I made her cry, can you hug her?  Amazing. My response was amazing. And so telling. I did give my sister her own hug, but it reminded me of when my mom was sniffling in bed after my dad died and I did nothing because I didn't know what to do. And I don't know what to do. 

That's when I realize I am not 'normal'. I have issues. I do my best, or try to do my best, and my best is different than what I want to be. I want to hide under a rock. I want to be strong. I want to be self confident. I want to lay in bed all day. Yes, I know, I need to accept that this is all me, and it's a decision at a time that determines what I really am.

It's crazy...