Sunday, June 8, 2014

June bug

Today it's a confessional. Or rather looking honestly at what I've done and since it's not really worth talking to anyone about, I'll write it here.

Guy where I volunteer has been inviting me places or a while.  He's a nice guy and fun but have said point blank I don't want to date him. And I thought for a while maybe I could still do things. But I just get this feeling I can't trust him. He won't give up - but then likely no guy does really.  He's almost 70, which doesn't help him either.  And since I don't trust him I don't act myself - I am very reserved (which yes I can be, but it's a bit much here).

I was going to say point blank don't invite me anywhere anymore, but then thought that that might be too rude. And yesterday he told me about the party of another volunteer that night. And I decided to go. And it was a great party!  The host and hostess were so nice, and the people were great and a mix of young and old - the birthday girl was turning 50 and there were a bunch of the 20-something volunteers. But I kind of steered clear of this old guy. I didn't make an effort to talk to him, when a time or two I could tell he could use someone to talk to. Now that's just rude. And he disappeared somewhere/time in the night. Was it bad to text him today thanking him and asking where he went?  Am I leading him on?  I don't know all this crap - I think I tend to do the wrong thing.  I'll ask M.... :-)

Karma is a bitch though. I was pouring big shots of tequila for the birthday girl and the host, and having about 1/3-1/4 as much. Turns out I had enough alcohol to have one of the worst hangovers in my life. Vomiting for about 4 hours. I got out of bed today at 12:30 and even then was not in good shape. Thankfully the partner of the woman downstairs got me a ginger beer which helped tremendously.

OK, I am going to go out in the heat... sweat off the rest...

Sunday, March 30, 2014

March in like a Lion

So, my mom died. It was a good death so that is comforting. But I am now motherless, which on the plane ride home made me feel untethered. Made me feel changed. She was such a wonderful mother and all statements referred to that fact, even to people who weren't her biological children. My sister is following in her footsteps to a certain extent. Her capacity for love is great. Mine is too, but not so outgoing. I have my mother's high school ring now and will be wearing it a great deal.

One thing that was wonderful yet a little traumatic was that my middle school teacher came to the visitation. I didn't recognize him at first and when I did I screamed and jumped up to hug him, as I said "you're old and gray!".  Hmm.... not so appropriate in a funeral home. But whatever. It was wonderful to catch up with him. What was a little traumatic was how he talked about how much promise I had when he met me, what a special person I was, how there's only a few small people he tries to keep in touch with over the years. Hearing that was nice, but also traumatic because I feel like I'm nowhere right now. Boring job and almost lost that. No partner, no kids, no major accomplishments... I felt horrible for a day - of course the funeral didn't help - but got over it, mostly. I guess I can't forget that some people see me that way and maybe I can be amazing...

Other than that, work is moving along. Still have a job. Learning how to belong in a polite society.

Hope everyone is well.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Wow, it's 2014!

I can't believe the last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving.  I hear no weeping, but then again it doesn't matter since I do this for me. Which is why I haven't been doing it much. It's more important to be able to survive in the world and communicate with the world, than with myself in a blog.

But I miss you all!

In any event, let's see. Thanksgiving with M - made great food. He came to visit the weekend after because I won tickets, and then soon it was Christmas!  Home with family and had a good time playing games. Also saw my mom who was a zombie due to medication which really sucked to say the least. The first day I saw here she only said one word - bye - when I left. By the end she recognized me more, recognized everyone more, and spoke almost full sentences.

We also cleaned out some of her stuff so I got some new jewelry and a new watch, and the original bill for my birth at the hospital.

Things are better at work, though only because I've decided to start anew in 2014. I was demotivated and demoralized in 2013, and make a semi-big mistake at work right before the new year and was down and out about it. But I thought overnight and had a short conversation with my boss giving him the reasoning that I could think of and felt 100% better.

So it's over and done and I'm back to my old self at work in 2014. OK, so old self - not sure when that is... but I'm trying to be better and not say bad things and do good things. I obsess about it periodically like today when I think of all the things I should not have said, but I'll get over it.

OK - I want to do the rounds.

Oh, PS.   apparently there's some site where you can have a book made out of your blog. Would I want that? Not sure.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

whoa no, woe know

Was sitting down to write a woe email, and Billy comes up on my lap. It's hard to feel down when you have a purring cat standing on your lap, and he expects you to hug him. Squeeze the air out of his lungs through his smelly mouth. Hold him against you while he purrs and breathes weirdly. Leans into you.

Annnnddd... off he goes.

So now, woe was I?  ha.

Interesting that I'm being tested this week.  No therapist appointment. No computer monitor because Dell is a pain in the beehind. No M to talk to (he's sick). And no friend at work to walk with at lunch. I have to survive on my own. And it's a little difficult. The thoughts of 'so this is what my life is like?'  when so many others are doing so much more. And it's only a 4 day work week for me!  A three day weekend was great. I hate the thought that I am just trying to make it through the day, make it through the week. Ugh. Never thought I'd live my life like that.

Yeah well. Here we are. Gotta get some changes in attitude since the change in latitude won't happen any time soon.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Daydream

by Sue Ellen Pector

Of hunger's many faces
I dream,
fresh food to eat,

clothing, sans rips and patches,
that fits and warms,

closeness, fun, laughter
and rest.

In Praise of Older Hungry Women

by George Wynn

In my San Francisco of the 1950s
older latdies wore gloves
shopping at the Emporium

Now we see on Market Street
older ladies with outstretched palms
and worn-out clothes with cardboard
"give what you can" calling cards
in front of them reminding us of
Dorothea Lange's ruined women
of the Great Depression

If you and I enter a trance
to escape the image of
their present circumstance
and go back in time we might see
 young dreamy faces even after
a hard day's work on the factory line
or young hearts sore but full of fight
after a long day of blows on
a post-war picket line

Who knows, we just might get a
true picture of their elegance

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Pride goeth before a fall

I've been thinking that I just had way too much pride. Oh, I could be doing so much more I thought. Others thought so too. Yet that pride helped me get where I am. Got told there's no way I'll get a raise any time in the near future. And the next day was handed a written warning to go into my HR file.

So, I realize what I am, and I will work with it and not expect anything more. I will not be in this job forever, but right now I need it.

I had my third DBT appointment and I think it'll be good for me. Part of me rebels and says it's just Californians who can't deal with sharp east-coasters. But the skills I will learn will help I am sure.

So, I'm spending some of my savings to buy a new computer and am going to try and move forward with photography and such to make a little extra money and expand my horizons.

I am beaten down but am not broken.