Monday, March 30, 2015


I think of him now, ragged and lost, staggering across a desert, the path behind him littered with all the shiny little pieces that life has ripped from him.

Khaled Hosseini
And the Mountains Echoed

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death. Reading that, I finally cried.

My regret tonight is not comforting her when we were both pretending to sleep, the night before my father's funeral. Too few words, not enough hugs.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Dreaming of Billy

Taking a mental health day today. My psychiatrist is making me do it - saw him yesterday. It's a good good thing. And apparently helping me come to terms with things. I dreamt of Billy last night. He had just finished eating and was cleaning up, and also laid down and rolled happily. Then later he jumped up on the bed and I was surprised I could feel his weight. I knew in the dream he was a ghost and was so happy to see him.

I did a radio show Wednesday night in honor of him. Remembering.  And then later that evening figured out it was the anniversary of my mom's death. So felt guilty I didn't do anything for her. But honestly I think that was on purpose subconsciously. I didn't want to remember her death day. Her birthday is later this month and would rather remember that. But yes, I should do both.

It's interesting that people seem to be much more comfortable expressing sympathy about the death of my cat versus my mom. It's less scary I suppose. Certainly true of M. I appreciate it all.

So off to see flowers and have lunch with a friend. After exercising. All the shit I really have to do can come tomorrow - so out of my head dammit!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Billy Boy

The angel of death arrived in a white Prius carrying her bag of mercy.

I love that line. I made it up.

Billy Boy is gone. So very sad, but he had a good death. Unfortunately I don't really want to get into it now. Suffice to say he was riddled with cancer and I only found out Sunday and put him down on Monday. He didn't really suffer too too much, and I think he was ready. Or so the ones left behind like to think.

M flew up for it.

The big sigh was the last breath from him. Sitting on my lap like he had done so many times. Really truly I so miss my Billy boy.

Below is a faceplant - he's not dead there. But his last morning of love had petting and combing and grass and treats and scratching and.... a faceplant in my lap.

Thursday, February 26, 2015


So I've been figuring out that in the past whenever I had a personal problem my first instinct would be to go to someone else to talk to/help me out/take responsibility for it. This big realization and change to take control/responsibility has come in the last 6-12 months.  I just realized today that I do the same thing in my work. And it needs to stop now.

And we're off....

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A new day

And after a couple weeks of making changes in my life, it's much better. I am working only full days, and the half day is worked remotely. It's made a huge difference. And actually I like my new boss way better than the old. Maybe because she's a woman?  Not sure. I work better with her, and so far so good. I gave my notice, and was all set to leave end March, and then she says today that she wants me to stay until July.

I just had a really odd day. An ex from long ago via FB asked about my and his physical relationship and what the issues were, since he's having issues with his wife. And the guy I met who I have no physical attraction to but with whom I am instant friends really appreciated my text telling him to go see a counselor. Oh, neither of those sentences explain anything.

And I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

The point is, it's ok to not be physically attracted to someone that you feel very close to. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Blind Spot

So in my review on Friday my boss, whose last day was Friday, talked about blind spots. How you think you might know your strengths and weaknesses, but you might not. I thought I was doing ok, but I wasn't, and it was heartbreaking to me. By all rights, I should have been fired. But I have one last chance, since he's gone and my new manager is starting with a clean slate. But I've been working two separate jobs and apparently it's not working, so I'm going figure out a plan to get out within 3 to 6 months. If I can last that long. But I'm hoping that if I have an end date in mind with the idea that I'll make sure that any transition planning as smooth as possible, all will be ok and I'll be able to focus and leave a good impression.

The thing that's hard here is to really know what the problem is. Is it me and horrible working style? Is it the stress of working two jobs throwing my mood out of kilter?  I think it's interesting that I noted to my sister that I've been feeling a little less stable, and I attributed it to losing weight and so my meds must be off. Didn't think of, duh, two jobs. Maybe the stress of that is throwing me off kilter. 

I should feel demoralized and I do a little, but with the idea that I'm leaving, I have energy I think. And I'll make it happen well.

I was so sad to say goodbye to my old boss. He really for the most part was so great to work with, and so funny and we got along so well. And I'll likely never see him again. That added to my crying jag. He was very sad too, and gave me a hug goodbye. Damn, I'm almost tearing up right now.

I remember very few times when I had full brain capacity. And I work so well when it's there. But like Friday, I couldn't answer a simple question and follow a conversation.  And Wednesday, I had so many thoughts doing bumper car runs that I couldn't focus. How the hell do I work with that?

Gotta find a way.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A hem

Do I have your attention?  Ha Ha.  See, the thing is, my sewing machine broke. I was in way too much of a hurry to get the quilt done for my boss- it was the homestretch - and did stuff I shouldn't have.  So, it's fine, because I met a really nice sewing machine repair guy and also drooled over a new sewing machine (only $900  ...).  Yeah, so, I need to get my machine fixed.

New lessons are on the horizon for my old job. Since my boss is leaving I'm left to be managed by an emotional roller coaster. But a very intelligent one. So, I'm going to think positive and will make it work. I'm scared, but I'm better prepared than I was in the past!  It leaves me very unmotivated to work though... Doesn't help that I'm sick.

And I wanted to say that I am grateful that people are interested in me. I appreciate it. I should not just roll my eyes and I won't anymore.

That is all. I am trying to clear my self so I can end on a relaxing note on this weekend.