Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Not to be Debbie Downer

It would so suck to actually have that name. Can't even imagine. Would be pretty funny though if she was a very upbeat person.

I have had two mindfulness class sessions. And homework. And while it's not the highest quality, it's great I'm doing it. I keep falling asleep during my homework though.

OK, let's get to the point I wanted to make. Did I tell you M is moving back to this area?  He is. And boy am I anxious. I feel lots of childish things and lots of really normal human being things. I need the thought of him being in this area be one of those things that I acknowledge is there and let glide on by.

For instances:
- I don't want him taking my climbing partners! Especially the one I've had for 5+ years now. Realistically it won't happen - he'll be added to the group but damn, it's bad enough now that we have one woman who I don't know will ever lead outdoors and so when we take her out it's like being her personal tour guide. Which is ridiculous, because my climbing partner is always someone's tour guide, and has been mine in the past. But he's MINE. Ha
- I don't want to go out to dinner as much as he wants. I need to save money. Realistically all I have to do is say no thanks. I just fear it's going to be a lot of no thanks.

And what's funny is that I worry and all this and it will turn out in the end that he has a perfectly wonderful life all his own and I see him once a year. To a certain extent, I wish that would be the case. Is that horrible of me? Not really.

Right now I feel pretty rooted in myself. I have my quirks and issues, but I'm coming to acknowledge them and be comfortable in my self and try to be the best person I can be, and keep growing. I feel like when I'm around M my roots start getting torn up and I start teetering in the wind that is his life force. But it's another one of life's lessons that I need to embrace.

Damn life lesson.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Center right of left

I did get into that mindfulness group, and thank goodness I did. I could use it right now. I'm stressing still about the car and may just up and switch over to the other car. I'm going to test drive it and see what I feel. Shit, it's only money. And I was going to take a big trip for my upcoming 50th, so I'll just not. If that turns out to be the case. The guy's eyes nearly popped out of his head when I said what car I would have to trade in. I realized that it likely was because M did sway my opinion that I got it. He so obviously loved the car and if I were on my own I would have test driven the other. Whatever.

And work. My one job, it frustrates the hell out of me. What I can do versus what it's a big stretch for me to do. Sure, come up with ideas for a way for the team to bond. I generally can't pull shit out of thin air and I like to have parameters to work around. She didn't like that. Whatever. And I say why I'm frustrated dealing with this one document, when I have clearly said I understand where she's coming from, but she just repeats again and again what she's already said and I feel like crap because it feels like she doesn't hear me and I'm an idiot.

I get paid too much for how little I think.

Oh and my roommate wants a cheaper place (who doesn't). And hell I could afford to spend less. But what am I willing to give up? I almost feel like if I have  to give up where I am I may as well move back east. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and not say that if she has her 'friend' over and he turns it up to 75 well that will be expensive. I'm in such an old place that last month we paid $200 in heating.

Oh, did I tell you I'm depressed?  It's clear in how my gut feels. I'm putting on a good show though!

Positivity. Please.

Sunday, January 3, 2016


Happy New Year!  May life be full of peace, happiness, and growth.

Are those mutually exclusive?

I've had some adventures. The most exciting one was doing a solo spin out in early December and totaling my trusty not rusty Matrix. I was fine. It's actually ok that I did since it was starting to have problems. It pisses me off though that I pay regularly for insurance, and you have an accident and your rates go up to cover the cost of the money that's paid out to you. What's the point of having insurance then?

After much anxiety, I am settling into the fact that I now own a VW Golf Sportwagen.  The problem was that there was no Matrix out there. Nothing was perfect. But in the end I got a really good price and it's a great car.  M was in town and helped me buy, which was so nice. Yes, he's still in the picture. Kind of on the edge, but still in it.

I have three jobs, and two are up in the air. Trying not to stress.

My name is being put in for a mindfulness group that my psychiatrist recommended. 5? 8? intensive weeks, with hour long homework every night.  I think it will be good.

OK, have to go do stuff.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Supernova personality

There's a woman I met recently. We get along really well - she's from Ohio and recently moved here. And we laugh at the same things. Unfortunately she's a lesbian and I believe I made it clear that I'm not. But it kind of irritates me that now that I have really short hair we could look like a couple.

That's rather silly/stupid, but it's my nonsense lead in. It's overwhelming being with her. She's so out there. Not in a spacey sort of way, but in a way - like she's cut open down the middle of her chest and leaves it all out there. She's also very perceptive. So it combines to make me often not comfortable spending time with her. Well, not really. It's just so tiring. She just busts out everything. And I mean that almost literally. So much energy! Thing is, I don't want her analyzing me. I don't want to hear about her transcendendant group that she's studying with (and had to pay $4,000 to join for a year). I don't want to hear about the article she read about red meat giving you cancer. I just want to enjoy here and now and occasionally have some deep thought instead of living in the deep.

Does that make me shallow?  No, I don't think so. It just makes me tired. It's not what I grew up with. Thing is, I could learn from it if I give it a chance. But really I am not ready. For what?  For someone to see me?  Don't know. Am I putting myself down if I say I don't have the energy to deal with weighty matters?  Because I don't feel like I do. I've mentioned that before I think. Maybe my spirit animal is an ostrich?

I wanted to write here to think it out. But not sure it's getting me anywhere.

We met up to go to open studios in SF. Met some great artists, including Paul Madonna who I love. It was good doing it with someone. Because there's a confidence that comes from being with someone. But I was anxious about meeting up with her, and really just needed to separate after a while. I think I can handle about a half hour or one hour at the most. Thing is, we're really in tune with each other. Meaning like soul connected or something. So maybe that makes it more tiring.

Not sure. But it was interesting to start thinking of myself as an artist talking to other artists.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


Very exciting news.  I put a photo I took into an art show and it sold!  Pretty damn amazing. I had printed it on art paper and mounted it on professional mounting, so it wasn't from Costco or anything (not that that is horrible but I'm trying to be an ar-teest). I didn't put a high price so after covering costs and the commission, I think I made $12?  Whatever. It was good to be sold.  I'm on my way!

It was serendipity that got me to enter the one I did. My boss of all people sat down that morning after I was trying to decide which one to enter and told me about the new Elizabeth Gilbert book: Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.  I told her that I had rejected a photo because one element was out of focus, and she tells me that maybe people would like it that way! I showed her the photo and she said something like I can't believe you are wondering about it - it's a great photo.

So yeah, now I have to continue to move forward.  Gotta do a website! And more!

Anyway, it's really cool to be validated by a stranger who is willing to part with money for what I did. I have supporters who tell me what a good eye I have and all, but I haven't moved forward really. Of course my brother says to direct the buyer to his ebay listing since he has a piece from the same artist (me - I did a canvas print for him of another photo).

Of course there's more to my life, but had to brag.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Relationships in CA

So I briefly mentioned I am trying/tried match and OKCupid. Here's a list of things you may never think about, but seem to be prevalent here, and they kind of bleed into each other, so here's a stream of consciousness.

Open relationships: even if you are with someone, you can be with someone else but you don't have to tell about it. I am not sure how this differs from polyamorous, though I think for that there's a primary and secondary/ies. (Had one guy recently I would have loved to get to know. He's married and I'd see him a couple times in a month. I was tempted, I must admit.)

And then there are the people who are married who are allowed to have sex with others. (I've been hit on for that too.) There are indeed people who truly just want to bang someone else, but some are nice people and I can't see them maintaining a distance. One married guy I know I am so attracted to and he has an OK from his wife, but it's crap that it would only be about sex. He made out with some woman and his wife was VERY upset - I guess she watched Pretty Woman. Besides, I couldn't have it only be about sex. So where does that leave the non-married one?

And then the couples that want a third.... and swingers... and... and....

Now with these open relationships, half of them say they don't want someone with HSV. Which is such bullshit. I really don't think there's a good test for it. And there are people who don't know they have it, including YOU perhaps. So you are rolling the dice, and counting on people to be knowledgeable and honest.

I doubt very much that it's only in CA, but it's very open here for sure!

Oh,and then there's the spam. I fell for one once. So nicely written and cute photo.  First email address they gave me turned out to be a woman. I wrote back and said that there was some problem, and he/it sent a new email address.  I asked if he/it was spam, and he/it replied not spam and asked me to tell him/it more about himself/itself. But with horrible capitalization and punctuation. So I wrote back and said I'm a lonely lonely woman and that my mother needs surgery and could he/it please send me $5,000. To date I have received no reply.

I did get hit on last night by a supposed 23 year old. NFW.

I may become a monk.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Clean-er abstract-er

So, my boss had a conversation with me on Friday. They did some office reorganizing and she was surprised at how much crap there was around the office. She asked if it was my job to clean it up. She said she really didn't know. Part of me thinks that statement is true and part of it thinks it was a set up. Because of course who else should do it?

Why didn't I do it?  Did I not feel empowered to do it? That question irritates me. Empowered to clean and throw stuff away? WTF.

It's a question of priorities. I will do that which is necessary until it's called to my attention that it's not enough. Is that a horrible attitude when it comes to cleanliness? Or is it reality?  It's also not anything you get acknowledged for.

I hate the menial parts of my job. But that's half of my job. So I can't hate it. And I kind of like it too. Don't have to think too much. But is that really good? I was ok with it when I was 100% sure I was doing the art stuff, but I wonder if that's going by the wayside. What's my motivation?  Like I'm an actor in a play, starring me in my life.

Different standards exist but you follow what your boss' is. At least that is the lesson learned. Another lesson: overcoming the nonprofit attitude - you don't need to save, you can always buy more.

Moving forward: don't worry about whether it will be right and not do it. Do it and be wrong. Does that only apply to the upper echelon?

Such a simple issue and far too much thought around it.

Let it go grasshopper.