Sunday, June 28, 2015

Let down

Just back from a week away on vacation with family (sister and nieces) and a stops along the way to spend a day with M, my new radio friend, and my friend B. It's sinking in that I have to go back to reality, dammit. And on top of that I start my 3rd job on Wednesday, so freaking a little about that.

My new radio friend, the Greek as he will hereafter be known, has a lot of good friends. His birthday party included people he's known since the 70's, and then me, the newest good friend. Really great group of people. He is great, in part because he is so fascinated with me. And I mean that actually - I have to consistently check that I'm interested in maintaining contact because of who he is rather than how great he thinks I am.

During and after the visit with M with my family, I was able to see a bunch of the stuff that isn't always in my face. Negative stuff I mean. But somewhat stupid, like obsessing that my nieces weren't using the toaster like he thought it should be used. Though they were reading the directions on the toaster. And just the way he did that is how he interacts with me regularly.  Not great.

And then the Greek (who, btw, is also a hippie and about M's age) supposedly is OK with being friends, but he asks me to stay and share the bed with him - to cuddle. I actually have no doubt that his intentions are actually good - truly to cuddle - but I just don't trust guys and for very good reason. And it's not me to do that. If I'm going to do it, I'll be in a relationship. 

But his suggestion and repeated suggestion made me anxious thinking about all the associated life events associated with men, including how it is so difficult to interact with M when it's so easy with the Greek. And the guy from high school that I was so linked to it felt like his soul was tearing away from mine when I broke up with him (because I was not physically attracted to him). And the one person I had both with in a real relationship.

Wondering when and if I will have another real relationship and realizing how scared I am of that happening.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

All this and some of that

I came out to my family!  Below is the email I sent:

I've been thinking about going public, and figured this was a good time/way.

It seems I inherited some genes from [my mom's mother]. I have Bipolar II.  For more information on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder.  I was diagnosed 8-9 years ago and am on lamotrigine and citalopram. Any questions, let me know. Note not copying the nieces/nephew right now though I'll likely tell them sometime. Catherine Zeta Jones and I are buds!

Actually my ulterior motive is based on the following from Wikipedia:

Studies indicate that the following events may also precipitate relapse in BP-II patients:[10]
Stressful life events
******Relatives' criticism*******
Antidepressant use
Disrupted circadian rhythm

[just kidding!!]

Other items observed this month below. I would rather have a motorcycle but one can't always choose.

ALS Awareness Month (United States)[16]
Asian Pacific American Heritage Month[7]
Asthma Awareness Month[17]
Better Sleep Month
Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month
Celiac Awareness Month
Mental Health Awareness Month
Haitian Heritage Month
Hepatitis Awareness Month[18]
Jewish American Heritage Month[7]
Lupus Awareness Month[19]
Motorcycle Awareness Month[20]
National Bike Month
National Guide Dog Month (2008, 2009)
National Mobility Awareness Month
Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month
National Foster Care Month
Scandinavian American Heritage Month
National Skin Cancer Awareness Month

It was kinda easy and my family had nice responses.  So that was good.  I am doing better I think because I'm on a regular dose of the lamotrigine - meaning I don't have to cut a pill in half, which I had been doing with my teeth for inconsistent dosage. Now it's three 100 mg pills. And I don't have to think.

Did I already say I decided that I'm going to stay at my current half?  Things are going pretty well... so that's good.

 I spent last weekend with M. And like clockwork, on day 3 the irritation started. Time to go!  I will say that I was very surprised I was so calm in the middle of the night when a bug crawled on my leg. I kinda knew/thought it was a cockroach, but I just went right back to sleep. Must have been tired! Normally I would freak out. Which I did when I was packing the next morning and it ran out from under a piece of clothing. [scream!]  Not quite dead when M stepped on it.  It moved. [scream!].  I'm such a girl.

Oh, losing my concentration. Night!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

What's this body coming to?

Had a wonderful amazing weekend climbing in Yosemite. Gorgeous weather, not too busy, only two of us... perfect.

And then... headache Monday afternoon through this afternoon. 

I still recall the guy who dated me and who brought me up to 8,000 feet to go for a hike straight out of the car leaving me with the worst migraine I ever had in my life, who said "but you climb mountains!". 

Yeah well, and I have to eat every hour or two when I"m doing it. And I have to drink. And I need to rub my back/neck/shoulders to make sure I don't get a migraine after climbing (even then I'm not quite sure that will help... still have to see). 

And I get a hip injury doing yoga, and foot and knee injury from meditating.

And this is even before I"m officially old (which I think happens in a little over a year when I turn 50).  ACK 50!

I've done so much with this 'weak' body.  I'm happy for it.  I just have limits and at least I know them.

Monday, May 4, 2015

In the Void

I still go over to Melsdream, one of the few blogs I originally followed that is still going strong. I guess writing blogs is out of favor. But one of the more recent posts was about sitting in the void - the space between things that are happening. Relationships ending, etc. I'm trying to do that, and trying to learn lessons.

The guy who I bonded with immediately but to whom I have no physical attraction keeps driving by my area but hasn't been able to stop. He has issues with his parents, exactly like I had with my mom. So I'm trying to support him. I really do enjoy his company and feel at home when I talk to him. It comes in spurts because he has tons of friends, including women friends. But after/during a recent spurt, I felt hurt that he didn't call me back after we were interrupted mid-conversation. I want to be important! I want the deep connection, when *I* want it. But you want it - back off until I want it.

Ugh.

All this relationship nonsense. How can I even think about being in one when I am still working on having a good one with myself? Can someone really walk alongside you and not tread all over you (either through them or me throwing myself under their feet). I suppose.

Still missing Billy.

Trying to do my photography stuff. I actually went and am printing a couple photos on good paper to see what they turn out like. $100 for three prints. That betta' be good!  I am quite excited actually. Thing is though, what for?  Why do I have this yearning to reach out and get my stuff out there? Would I ever make a living off it?  Likely not. Then why? Maybe just to share my vision of the world I suppose. To see the beauty/craziness and let others see it through my eyes. Except the blind people of course. Ha.

And though I gave my notice about leaving my job things are actually going quite well there. I'm half time at two places and it works because I don't have to be completely committed to either. That about sums up my life I think. But two jobs, neither of which I care much about. And one longing to share images for what purpose?  What the hell am I doing?

Typing in a blog.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Words

I think of him now, ragged and lost, staggering across a desert, the path behind him littered with all the shiny little pieces that life has ripped from him.

Khaled Hosseini
And the Mountains Echoed

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death. Reading that, I finally cried.

My regret tonight is not comforting her when we were both pretending to sleep, the night before my father's funeral. Too few words, not enough hugs.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Dreaming of Billy

Taking a mental health day today. My psychiatrist is making me do it - saw him yesterday. It's a good good thing. And apparently helping me come to terms with things. I dreamt of Billy last night. He had just finished eating and was cleaning up, and also laid down and rolled happily. Then later he jumped up on the bed and I was surprised I could feel his weight. I knew in the dream he was a ghost and was so happy to see him.

I did a radio show Wednesday night in honor of him. Remembering.  And then later that evening figured out it was the anniversary of my mom's death. So felt guilty I didn't do anything for her. But honestly I think that was on purpose subconsciously. I didn't want to remember her death day. Her birthday is later this month and would rather remember that. But yes, I should do both.

It's interesting that people seem to be much more comfortable expressing sympathy about the death of my cat versus my mom. It's less scary I suppose. Certainly true of M. I appreciate it all.

So off to see flowers and have lunch with a friend. After exercising. All the shit I really have to do can come tomorrow - so out of my head dammit!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Billy Boy

The angel of death arrived in a white Prius carrying her bag of mercy.

I love that line. I made it up.

Billy Boy is gone. So very sad, but he had a good death. Unfortunately I don't really want to get into it now. Suffice to say he was riddled with cancer and I only found out Sunday and put him down on Monday. He didn't really suffer too too much, and I think he was ready. Or so the ones left behind like to think.

M flew up for it.

The big sigh was the last breath from him. Sitting on my lap like he had done so many times. Really truly I so miss my Billy boy.

Below is a faceplant - he's not dead there. But his last morning of love had petting and combing and grass and treats and scratching and.... a faceplant in my lap.