Friday, October 24, 2014

It's not you, it's my wife

I realized I neglected to mention what happened after the party where I poured the host tequila. A week (or 2?) I get a text that he left his wife the day after that party, in part because he saw by interacting with me that there was 'life on the other side'. WTF.  Because I am curious and stupid and actually didn't remember him all that much, I agreed to meet him for a drink.  As long as I wasn't seen as the other woman who broke up his marriage. 

And o boy, that was an experience. Him giving details on why their marriage went bad (the children), and how lonely he was (no sex in 10 years). I think at that point I told him that he had just overshared.  Oh and I had NO interest in him physically whatsoever (I didn't tell him that - even I'm not that blunt unless he had tried to make some sort of aggressive move on me). He's 60, but an old 60 and not a young 60 like M.

It was such a great experience to write to him and tell him that I think he needs to take time to process what he's going through and I am not the one to help him through that process. Yay me!  In the past I would have felt sorry, oh he's a nice guy, and all that BS and gone on another 'date' just to see.  Quite honestly having herpes in both places now (yeck) has made me free-er. It's easier to say no because I don't really want to get into it all with someone who has no promise. Even then I don't want to get into it, though that's a whole 'nother story. Sometimes I want to be hugged and wanted, and I look at, and then realize, nah.  M is still in the picture, but I'm starting finally to have it sink in how stressed I get when I interact with him too much. Expectations, etc. So more and more I'm feeling single, and it's nice.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A wink and a nod are the same to a blind man

Yeah, don't ask my what that has to do with anything.

So, I have a half time job at the university and a half time job where I worked before. It's a little insane because of the commuting, but I think either job is helping me survive the other one. Of course it's been so long I have no idea where I left off in this blog, but evil person is gone and I'm in his spot and it's great.

I finished the quilt for my brother and I should post a shot. Doing one for a former coworker that I don't like very much (the quilt, not the coworker). I look at it and have little motivation to continue... but I will.

Billy says hi.  Or is that 'feed me!'. He's pissing me off because all it seems he wants is food. More so thank usual. Which makes me think I should take him to the vet. When really likely it is nothing.

There's more to say, but I need to go to bed. Lesson learning - don't take things personally. It may be all about them.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

June bug

Today it's a confessional. Or rather looking honestly at what I've done and since it's not really worth talking to anyone about, I'll write it here.

Guy where I volunteer has been inviting me places or a while.  He's a nice guy and fun but have said point blank I don't want to date him. And I thought for a while maybe I could still do things. But I just get this feeling I can't trust him. He won't give up - but then likely no guy does really.  He's almost 70, which doesn't help him either.  And since I don't trust him I don't act myself - I am very reserved (which yes I can be, but it's a bit much here).

I was going to say point blank don't invite me anywhere anymore, but then thought that that might be too rude. And yesterday he told me about the party of another volunteer that night. And I decided to go. And it was a great party!  The host and hostess were so nice, and the people were great and a mix of young and old - the birthday girl was turning 50 and there were a bunch of the 20-something volunteers. But I kind of steered clear of this old guy. I didn't make an effort to talk to him, when a time or two I could tell he could use someone to talk to. Now that's just rude. And he disappeared somewhere/time in the night. Was it bad to text him today thanking him and asking where he went?  Am I leading him on?  I don't know all this crap - I think I tend to do the wrong thing.  I'll ask M.... :-)

Karma is a bitch though. I was pouring big shots of tequila for the birthday girl and the host, and having about 1/3-1/4 as much. Turns out I had enough alcohol to have one of the worst hangovers in my life. Vomiting for about 4 hours. I got out of bed today at 12:30 and even then was not in good shape. Thankfully the partner of the woman downstairs got me a ginger beer which helped tremendously.

OK, I am going to go out in the heat... sweat off the rest...

Sunday, March 30, 2014

March in like a Lion

So, my mom died. It was a good death so that is comforting. But I am now motherless, which on the plane ride home made me feel untethered. Made me feel changed. She was such a wonderful mother and all statements referred to that fact, even to people who weren't her biological children. My sister is following in her footsteps to a certain extent. Her capacity for love is great. Mine is too, but not so outgoing. I have my mother's high school ring now and will be wearing it a great deal.

One thing that was wonderful yet a little traumatic was that my middle school teacher came to the visitation. I didn't recognize him at first and when I did I screamed and jumped up to hug him, as I said "you're old and gray!".  Hmm.... not so appropriate in a funeral home. But whatever. It was wonderful to catch up with him. What was a little traumatic was how he talked about how much promise I had when he met me, what a special person I was, how there's only a few small people he tries to keep in touch with over the years. Hearing that was nice, but also traumatic because I feel like I'm nowhere right now. Boring job and almost lost that. No partner, no kids, no major accomplishments... I felt horrible for a day - of course the funeral didn't help - but got over it, mostly. I guess I can't forget that some people see me that way and maybe I can be amazing...

Other than that, work is moving along. Still have a job. Learning how to belong in a polite society.

Hope everyone is well.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Wow, it's 2014!

I can't believe the last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving.  I hear no weeping, but then again it doesn't matter since I do this for me. Which is why I haven't been doing it much. It's more important to be able to survive in the world and communicate with the world, than with myself in a blog.

But I miss you all!

In any event, let's see. Thanksgiving with M - made great food. He came to visit the weekend after because I won tickets, and then soon it was Christmas!  Home with family and had a good time playing games. Also saw my mom who was a zombie due to medication which really sucked to say the least. The first day I saw here she only said one word - bye - when I left. By the end she recognized me more, recognized everyone more, and spoke almost full sentences.

We also cleaned out some of her stuff so I got some new jewelry and a new watch, and the original bill for my birth at the hospital.

Things are better at work, though only because I've decided to start anew in 2014. I was demotivated and demoralized in 2013, and make a semi-big mistake at work right before the new year and was down and out about it. But I thought overnight and had a short conversation with my boss giving him the reasoning that I could think of and felt 100% better.

So it's over and done and I'm back to my old self at work in 2014. OK, so old self - not sure when that is... but I'm trying to be better and not say bad things and do good things. I obsess about it periodically like today when I think of all the things I should not have said, but I'll get over it.

OK - I want to do the rounds.

Oh, PS.   apparently there's some site where you can have a book made out of your blog. Would I want that? Not sure.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

whoa no, woe know

Was sitting down to write a woe email, and Billy comes up on my lap. It's hard to feel down when you have a purring cat standing on your lap, and he expects you to hug him. Squeeze the air out of his lungs through his smelly mouth. Hold him against you while he purrs and breathes weirdly. Leans into you.

Annnnddd... off he goes.

So now, woe was I?  ha.

Interesting that I'm being tested this week.  No therapist appointment. No computer monitor because Dell is a pain in the beehind. No M to talk to (he's sick). And no friend at work to walk with at lunch. I have to survive on my own. And it's a little difficult. The thoughts of 'so this is what my life is like?'  when so many others are doing so much more. And it's only a 4 day work week for me!  A three day weekend was great. I hate the thought that I am just trying to make it through the day, make it through the week. Ugh. Never thought I'd live my life like that.

Yeah well. Here we are. Gotta get some changes in attitude since the change in latitude won't happen any time soon.

Monday, November 11, 2013


by Sue Ellen Pector

Of hunger's many faces
I dream,
fresh food to eat,

clothing, sans rips and patches,
that fits and warms,

closeness, fun, laughter
and rest.