Animal Glitters
Ah, the way the world turns. I've been so courageous and eloquent tonight and not sure I'll be able to convey it appropriately. My husband sat me down tonight and we had a talk about the effect of our last big argument several weeks ago - he had basically given up and detached, but never let me know until now. The last I had heard from him he was up the to challenges I had placed before him and going to try his best.
Needless to say, what I thought was his best was his nothing, and his detachment was felt despite never being verbally expressed. Remember my post of last week? In which I said why I need affection/attention so much? I was feeling the intense lack of it from him. To the point that today, this morning, I almost started crying in my staff meeting, and feeling at a loss as to how to handle the depth of emotion. I finally sent him what I had wrote in my blog as a way for us to start a discussion tonight (he only reads his email at home).
Yes, he beat me to it. But I was able to say to him that I do not want to live that way - feeling a desperate need for attention, a hug. That it felt way too familiar - not only from my childhood but from the early part of our marriage also - and that I hate it. I was able to say that we've both tried so hard and we seem to get nowhere, or at least go somewhere and revert back to nowhere. That perhaps it might be time to face that it's just not working. I was able to let our discussion come to no conclusion rather than commit yet again to trying more.
It wasn't an ultimatum. It wasn't a threat. It was what I'm feeling, and I'm proud of myself for saying it.
It's strange how the world does not come to an end when you say what is on your mind. It actually lightens the load you are carrying.
