Sunday, October 31, 2010

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Maybe I should play this every morning?

Not sure if I'd want to punch her out though... :-)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Support Group

So, after the mini (maxi?) breakdown, I found a local depression and bipolar support group. I did a search and there happened to be a meeting last night. I was a little hesitant about it being too extreme, but figured I'd try.

It turned out to be a large group (12 people?). The format was to just go around the room and for each person to have 5-10 minutes to talk, with some feedback from others in the room. It was a mix of ages, a mix of diagnoses (though mostly bipolar) and a mix of severity (my current 3 medications I think was the lowest number of meds people were on). There were a few family members/ partners. Everyone was very welcoming.

They meet weekly, and I'm not sure I'll go weekly. It's 2 hours! Though it is close by. It was nice to be able to vent a little, and sadly, to see that my situation could be a lot worse. Though, when I mentioned something about M and my feeling that he doesn't believe in mental illness (and I'm talking extreme here, I know) they all practically in one voice said, he wants you to 'get over it'. Yeah, a common thing people hear it seems... Not that he's said that...

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sick and tired

It's 9:00 and I just got up a few minutes ago.
Not feeling well.
And not physically

alienating M
me feeling frustrated and scared
i don't want to have ups and downs
i want to be stable
i hate the imprecision of all this
where's the magic wand?

i need to find a support group
i need drugs, alcohol, cigarettes
but i don't do those things, thankfully
not an addictive personality
that's one thing to be thankful for

i can't fall apart
i can, but at least i don't want to
i have that

maybe i just don't have the right attitude
think it's easy and it will be
big sigh

i'm lowering my antidepressant
seeing if that works

lashing out for very little reason at the one I love
who of course does not want to be a whipping post
why should someone in a new relationship
take such abuse?
heartfelt sorries are useful
but so much less than what's needed

i slipped last night
and hit the wall
oh and the top of my car dashboard
physical pain stops the mental anguish
if only for a minute

i heard the carol king song last night
'you've got to get up every morning
with a smile on your face
and show the world
all the love in your heart'
i know.

sunshine helps and it's here this morning
now i'll go out and run
chase away a few demons
or run away from them?
i'll think the former

[just checked my email. here is a note from a friend I called last night. I have some amazing friends.]

I think he is a good man.

And you are a good woman and deserving of happiness and love. and you both deserve to be patient with each other and yourselves. I think sometimes you forget that. or maybe it is the depression, but you have to try to get yourself out of that spiral before you lose it. You can do it- getting your medication levels normalized is a big big part of this, I know- but you are smart enough to also know that the meds are only a part of how you feel. It is easy to buy into the defeatist thought prcesses-they are much easier than pushing yourself to imagine that you can succeed in getting through - well, this negative thought- these bad feelings- this sad mood- this tough day- whatever.

It is not fair that it seems easier to give up and imagine that we will fail than to talk ourselves out of whatever moment we are in- but it is worth it to try. but it is hard. not sure how it works....Maybe calling me is your attempt to get yourself out of the spiral because...really- what am I gonna say??? Yup- it is over. you are a loser. you will never be happy. it is all your fault. the relationship is doomed. might as well just give up. no sense in trying to work things out. of course not!! I think you know all these things- and I do not know how- but maybe you can try to remember at least one before you it the point where you think it is the point of no return...yeah- sounds great- just not sure how to make it happen. so until you do- call me!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Funny how sometimes falling feels like flying

Even if it's just for a little while.

One of the memorable lyrics from a song played yesterday at the Bridge School benefit. I have not been to such an amazing concert in a long long time, if ever. Despite the fact that it rained 70% of the time, it was so worth it - a 7 hour show that felt like 2 - in a relatively small setting. You can see the lineup if you go to the link.

Memorable moments:
- Elton John and Leon Russel truly rocking the ampitheater. First off, just to have those two legends on one stage, and then for one song joined by Neil Young, blew my mind. And, like I said, they ROCKED. Elton and Leon have a new CD together, and we are certainly going to buy it, but it won't compare to the energy that exuded last night. Incredible.
- Pearl Jam playing one song in which Neil Young came out and jammed on guitar with the two other guitarists in the band - I'm not even sure Eddie Vedder was singing at that point - it didn't matter because the energy of those guitars amazingly played was just incredible. Eddie Vedder said after that that he should just stop right then and there because he had the shakes, and I understood.
- Pearl Jam had 4 stringed instruments - I think all violins. I think after he introduced them he picks up a guitar and said he was playing a classical piece and then played an AMAZING head banging all out screaming assaulting your senses song.
- The final song "Keep on Rockin' in the Free World" brought everyone out on stage who was left. Again, ENERGY. Eddie Vedder and Neil Young trading the main lyrics, and EVERYONE singing the chorus. One microphone had Eddie Vedder, Jeff Bridges, Kris Kristoferson, and Stephen Stills. And that was just one microphone.

OK those are the incredible memories. Everyone else was really really good, though I hate to say it but Ralph Stanley maybe should retire. He's a legend, but he should sit back a little. He's not horrible, but not great either.

Modest Mouse was a surprise to me. I would really like to see them in concert. Unfortunately as they were band #2 I still had earplugs in and it didn't sound as great as when I gave up trying to protect my ears. The last song of their set was really great - tight and interesting and powerful.

We were lucky as we were in a nice section where people didn't stand up all the time. And there were nice people around us. One had flown in from North Carolina just for the show. The others from Colorado. And it is so worth it. One guy did come late in the show and sat right in front of me in an empty seat. Which would have been fine except he was a stander and a big guy. I was having none of that. Poked him in the back and told him to sit. He mutters something to me when I told him to move over to the aisle like he's not allowed to do that, but tough crap. He did it a couple more times and kept poking him. In between sets he turns around and says he works for some magazine and taking polls on how people are enjoying the show. What a load of crap. Whatever - he finally walked away...thankfully.

All of this was to benefit a school that works with extremely disabled children, and has pioneered methods of teaching them.

Friday, October 22, 2010

mixed tapes

I had a friend/boyfriend/friend in that order who made the most incredible mixed tapes. I do miss those days, but I've kept every mixed tape that someone made me with the expectation that I'll transfer it to the most current media. The following was the opening song of a tape that was sent to me when I was in Germany. Intentions were clear and he got the girl for a long while. I sometimes regret running away from a future with him, but I guess if I didn't, I wouldn't have had the future I had. Sometimes that's a good thought, sometimes it's bad. But no point in dwelling. Unfortunately this mixed tape was lost in Germany.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


So, walking through the parking lot to get to the gym, look to my left, and there are two cars with pigeons all over the roofs. I counted 11 on one and 7 on the other (after one or two had flown down to the ground). I have never ever seen that before. I mean, why sit on a car roof? And why those two? Can you explain it to me?

My FB update was imagining them putting on a scene in West Side Story - the rival gangs building their masses for the big fight. Not sure how you determine which one wins - by the amount of poop on the roof?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Clumpy messy job me

I've tried making the cookies/twists again, and again it's a runny mess. It's all oozed into one big pan thing. Not sure what's happening. But, it tastes good! I think I ate half a pan already. Mmmm... cinnamon sugar mmm.... Sigh. Oh well, there are worse things in life.

I kinda threw that out there today, but a couple weeks ago the place I was volunteering for asked me to be a consultant through January. They had one person going on maternity leave and one person out of the office for a month. Uh, hell yeah! I had no idea what to charge as a rate, so I just told them to pay me the hourly wage of the person on maternity leave, plus 15% for taxes, which I would have to pay for self employment. It's not a lot, but it's better than nothing, for sure. No guarantee of a full time job, but they seem to like me and my work, so we'll see.

What's a little scary though is that what they do connects to my past in many ways. I look good on paper, but oh, that one job from 15 years ago? I was told I would be happy somewhere else (how's that for an alternate wording for firing?). Oh, that other job from 7 years ago? I wanted to strangle my boss on a daily if not hourly basis, and she pretty much knew it. We went through mediation and everything, but I was just so sick of her.

I keep hoping my life has changed for the better. I keep hoping I have changed for the better. And I know the answer to both is yes. I know I have learned a lot professionally and can do a lot, and with medication, can get along with people. I know I personally am less than perfect - I hear it regularly and when talking about that situation an old friend chimes in in wholehearted agreement. And I know I am better and still have so much to learn, but I need someone who will share the ride and not look at me from high on the mountain and ask why I've fallen behind.

My messy clumpy life. And me.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Did I tell you I have a second part time job? I do - consulting. It's until Dec/Jan, and perhaps getting my foot through the door. A good thing. Early morning meeting tomorrow, so off I go.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cookies and Crashes and Corn

So, ever wonder what happens when you try to make german sour cream twists with wheat dough, oh, that has also gone rancid? See photo. (It's supposed to look like finger long twisty things the consistency of pizza dough)
What's really sad is that I didn't realize it was rancid until I gave M bit of one that I had cooked and his face all scrunched up. I did not get sick from the one I ate before that.

We went on a hike to a place that had had a plane crash years before, and found the following. It was interesting and creepy at the same time.

Finally, I wrote Corn because it had a C, but it really should be with a P. We watched On Demand - Moby Presents Alien Sax Party (but with an e). Oddest but interesting and funny poorly made movie I've seen in a long time.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Portland, OR

I'll share some music that Entertainment Weekly noted as being interesting duets. This is really nice.

I miss East Coast autumn

I tried to find one in my photos, but I have not taken one since the divorce, so don't have my own. I took this from a website, so thus very small.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Prying questions

A good way to answer someone who asks increasingly personal questions about whether you are going to have children is to give them too much information.
Well, I have to see if my relationship is going to work out since it's rocky because my mood destabilized after all the stress I had.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

New song I love, but can't find it on YouTube

I think the band is Life in Technicolor

There’s a light inside of you,
Hope it’s nothing but the truth,
I just want to be with you.

There’s a cloud above our heads,
Predicting stormy times ahead,
I don’t want to know the truth.

Everything always feels like something special when I’m with you,
Everything always makes me lose the truth when I’m with you.

I’m falling faster than the speed of sound,
I’m falling further and further towards the ground.
I’m falling faster than the speed of light,
Nothing is wrong but nothing is right.

There’s a corner in my mind,
That keeps me consigned,
To the facts.

A drop of rain begins to fall,
And I still think I’ve got it all,
But I know he won’t call.

Everything always feels like something special when I’m with you,
Everything always makes me lose the truth when I’m with you.

I’m falling faster than the speed of sound,
I’m falling further and further towards the ground.
I’m falling faster than the speed of light,
Nothing is wrong but nothing is right.

I’m falling, we’re falling, I’m falling for you.
I’m falling, we’re falling, and I don’t want to know the truth.

There’s a light inside of you,
Hope it’s nothing but the truth,
I just want to be with you.

There’s a cloud above our heads,
Predicting stormy times ahead,
I don’t want to know the truth.

Everything always feels like something special when I’m with you,
Everything always makes me lose the truth when I’m with you.

I’m falling faster than the speed of sound,
I’m falling further and further towards the ground.
I’m falling faster than the speed of light,
Nothing is wrong but nothing is right.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Friday, October 8, 2010

Lion quilt

I had this as my avatar and referred to it way earlier, so needed to post it since I mentioned it to KenV. Detail of a quilt I made my godmother.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Yoga focus

They tell you to think of something to focus your mind on when you are yoga-ing / meditating. My thing is now the eye of a hummingbird looking at me from the other side of the feeder.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Auf Wiedersehen

First, a little about my weekend. I went Sat and Sun to Hardly Strictly Bluegrass in SF. Amazing lineup of musicians - quite overwhelming actually. I must say that my favorite band was the Carolina Chocolate Drops. Interesting, great musicians, good with the crowd. It was also the first band I saw, so not sure if that swayed my opinion. Because it can get to be overwhelming to be at a big festival even half the day (at least for me). I get tired of the wrangling for position and people bumping into me.

There were so many bikes and not enough racks. Not a bad thing - yay for the environment, but bad for the poor trees that had bikes attached to them.

By the end of the second day I had certainly had enough. Part of it was that I had to go by myself. M was sick, and still is. And grumpy me got tired of the "freaks" and though I smelled a lot of pot, I didn't get a secondary high. Bummer. Of course, I did run into one of the very few people I know in the area who I didn't know before I moved - the person I had interviewed with before I came and then touched base with and now have consultant work for the company. She was all happy and serene and good looking and I was frumpy sweaty from biking and layered to the hilt because I didn't have enough clothing on Saturday and so overdid it on Sun.

It was interesting to note that the father and daughter riding in to the festival ahead of me, led me out as I left.

I will be riding into the sunset today. I'm taking a break. Of course I say that today and may get the shakes from withdrawal and write in a few days. I just have stuff that I can't talk about here and I don't feel like putting on a happy face. Of course, it might be good for me to pretend to be happy and then happiness will come. Not sure. So I might be back soon. Who knows. Maybe a haiku here and there. Not sure. All I know is how I feel right now. I don't feel like reaching out to people - not even friends. It's easier to be alone. Not jumping off a bridge. Just alone.

Of course, listening to WFMU, just heard that the Toxic Donut will be on. What a great band name.

I saw stuffed animals in a dumpster. That makes me sad. I always think of them as having a life.

Any other random thoughts before I go? Not sure.

Ah, likely I'll be back soon.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Tuolumne last weekend

Rather than begin by boring you with climbing stories, I'll talk about the food first. See photo. Amazing food at the Mobil Mart in Lee Vining just outside the park near Mono Lake. Called the Whoa Nellie Deli - look it up.

It's very unassuming. The owner/chef works the register and wanders around picking up plates and chatting with customers. When we ordered he had suggested that two soups would be too much food, but we went with it anyway, in part because R noted that he doesn't know me well enough to share a soup with me. :-) Funny. We did pretty well eating it all - and the owner came by and remarked on it. He also leads fishing trips, and told the story of asking a client if he wanted to use his pole since the client wasn't catching anything. The guy said no, and never caught anything; he later said, when you asked me if I wanted to use your pole I should have said yes, right? Right. So the owner remarked to us, if you're with someone who knows something it's good to listen to their advice. Funny. The guy also had a sign up on the wall with his photo on it, and it said Employee of the month: April-Nov 2005, April-Nov 2006, and so one. Quite funny. The statement actually came back to haunt me when R the next day asked as I was leading a pitch: can I offer you some advice? And I refused. I thought he was going to tell me how to climb. He actually was going to offer advice on the way he sets up his gear, which I was using. I almost ran into trouble because I didn't listen... Learned a lesson for sure.

This here is an example of what the rock climbing is like at Tuolumne. Slab slab slab. You can see what you do to get off the rock - walk down down down. It's nuts, but I'm getting a little used to it. I don't have good shoes so I have to wear my climbing shoes down - rough on the feet. Those rocks are called...erratics. Really neat. We did in the two days do two climbs which were more like my style - nice cracks and not too much slab. So nice. I was very excited.

And, btw, the Ginko Biloba worked! We'll see if it really works the next time I go to altitude.