So, my mom died. It was a good death so that is comforting. But I am now motherless, which on the plane ride home made me feel untethered. Made me feel changed. She was such a wonderful mother and all statements referred to that fact, even to people who weren't her biological children. My sister is following in her footsteps to a certain extent. Her capacity for love is great. Mine is too, but not so outgoing. I have my mother's high school ring now and will be wearing it a great deal.
One thing that was wonderful yet a little traumatic was that my middle school teacher came to the visitation. I didn't recognize him at first and when I did I screamed and jumped up to hug him, as I said "you're old and gray!". Hmm.... not so appropriate in a funeral home. But whatever. It was wonderful to catch up with him. What was a little traumatic was how he talked about how much promise I had when he met me, what a special person I was, how there's only a few small people he tries to keep in touch with over the years. Hearing that was nice, but also traumatic because I feel like I'm nowhere right now. Boring job and almost lost that. No partner, no kids, no major accomplishments... I felt horrible for a day - of course the funeral didn't help - but got over it, mostly. I guess I can't forget that some people see me that way and maybe I can be amazing...
Other than that, work is moving along. Still have a job. Learning how to belong in a polite society.
Hope everyone is well.