Sunday, February 28, 2010

Freaky Weekend

So this is apparently a photo collage of a freaky clown, and shows his child. ACK!
Actually, obviously, or not, this is a photo collage that has not been opened. They had it at work and me, being the freecycle/craigslist queen, asked me to get rid of it. Why on earth would a company put a photo of such a freaky child in the collage??

Aside from that bit of freakiness, the most fun I had this weekend was pruning my crepe myrtle trees. It was a nice day on Saturday, and M and I had just moved some furniture out of my house to bring to his for the POD arrival, and I needed to prune it since this is the time of year to do it. I had to read how to do it, and there's a little bit of an art to it, so I had fun actually. I miss quilting, or doing anything at all artistic.

We did go out to dinner Friday night with some friends, which was nice, but everyone was exhausted from the week, including M and me, which of course can lead to misunderstandings/irritation and thus the need for long conversations to work it all out. Whew. We were supposed to go out Sat night but M had a work emergency. Alas. And then packing at his place. Woo hoo! What fun... He had gobloads of paper recycling, including shredded items, and it wasn't going away, so I literally filled my car and brought it home to recycle. Not sure how I'll do the shredded stuff. If I put it in the bin, when they collect it I'm sure it'll make a mess in the neighborhood... we'll see.

And, how was YOUR weekend?

Friday, February 26, 2010


No idea where it's attributed to. Packing up diaries and found this.

If you try to look
but you don't touch
then you won't touch
but you'll never feel
and if you don't feel
you'll never cry
and if you don't cry
then you'll never feel

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Newspapers abound

Sorry, not much time today, so a neat link for you.

Just put your mouse on a city anywhere in the world and the newspaper
headlines pop up...
Double click and the page gets can read the entire paper on
some if you click on the right place.

You can spend forever here.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Corner of the Sky with No Bra

Packing up diaries, and came upon one with a lot of quotes at the back. So have a bunch of saved up entries. Whew!

I had a quote from this song. Which words, do you think? (from late high school).

Forgot bra. Have white shirt. Luckily have a sweater.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Weepy me

This afternoon ended the weepiest bought of PMS I have had in a long time. Whew.

Saturday morning/afternoon M and I were packing etc. at his house and we had on NPR. He loves Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. I used to love This American Life, and then stopped loving it. But it was on in the background as I was doing stuff, and slowly it creeped into my consciousness - in and out.

It was the story of a couple that raised a chimp I think (though I was envisioning a gorilla as the animal in this story was named Lucy). They decided to experiment and treat it like a child, living in their house. Sign language of course. The whole bit - to a bit beyond (they caught the chimp on the couch mastu***ting, and decided to give her a Playgirl.

In any event, all was well until they decided Lucy was too big to stay with them. They found a place in Africa to bring her and from what I gleaned, just dropped her off in the forest in a cage and left her - with a human looking over her and other primates. This animal that had been raised like a child, inside a house. All of sudden in the forest - only one human there. Of course she didn't eat. Of course there were issues. So so sad. I wept thinking of the poor animal being dumped like that. The woman in Africa who took care of her left her on an island with other chimps. A year later she came back and went onto the beach, and Lucy showed up and saw her and wrapped her/its arms around the woman and held her tight. But Lucy did let go and walked off with the other primates.

That night I had a dream. I was inside my rock climbing gym and walking up to the counter, and walked by this display case kinda thing they had. I looked inside and there was a tiny cat curled up, and you gave it attention by putting money in some part of the box. As I walked by it looked up at me and meowed. It was so sad! In the dream I tried to find someone to answer why they had the cat, and to set it free. I woke up before doing that.

Can a chimp have feelings or am I anthropomorphizing? Doesn't matter. I wept.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Let the bullets fly

It's bullet time!
- OK, I told my mom, aka made sure she knew. No problem.
- This was after I checked in with my brother about what had happened. Good to wait a little while to NOT fly off the handle. Never a good approach, but one I have used often in the past.
- I called ex to tell him, but he did not pick up, so left a message that I'm moving to San Fran and would be good to talk to him.
- I only have two more sessions with my therapist. This is ultimately what I was moving towards and it's a good thing, but it kinda freaks me out too. I've been going to her for, crap, six years??? At least 5 years. I'm scared! But ok too. Biggest thing is being able to step back and look at my life from a more detached perspective. This blog is one way of me doing that and I will continue to do that. I don't want to lean on M to be my therapist. Have done crap like that in the past and it's not good.
- I painted M's bathroom this weekend and it makes a huge difference. Good I felt a sense of accomplishment. It's small but it still took way too much time (ie, more than a half hour - ha). I wish I had had the color for my bathroom (a light gray - it's what I had wanted).
- M is still learning about my blood sugar drops and their effect. I had in the past had a tendency to fly off the handle when it happened. Now for the most part I get quiet, but he knows me from the past so the guard goes up quite high when I get silently hungry. It's a learning process for both of us.
- Damn relationships take time and are learning processes. Damn is sarcastic.
- Billy is meowing at me for I don't know what kind of attention, so I had better go pay attention.

OH! I'll write about a horrible story I heard on This American Life and the impact on my dream world. Coming soon to a blog near you.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A recent carrot

Not a stick. In my bag.

Quote from my calendar

Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Sorry I left that photo as the main photo for so long... I could post an even more colorful version, but I'll leave that be.

So, pet peeves/oddities. We've been finding out each other's pet peeves/oddities. A list - not necessarily inclusive:

M: do not leave food sitting out even if you might use it in 5 minutes.

P: do not store bread near bananas

M: coffee must come after cereal

P: close the kitchen cabinet doors, please

M&P: save every bag imaginable in the chance you might need it.

M: take shower before breakfast

P: take shower after breakfast

Oh dear, I struggle to find more of his, when my list goes on. I'll leave it as an even score for now.

"I'm not high maintenance. I just know what I want." quote from where? :-)

Monday, February 15, 2010


Hopefully you aren't eating lunch looking at this. Hopefully you see the beauty in a big bruise. That's my thigh. I found out that my snow boots are not at all good on wet concrete (my shed). So, carrying bird seed in one hand and a ladder in the other, I went down. And boy did it hurt. And it still does a little. I hit a rope yesterday in the gym when I fell and yelled a loud "f**k" which was bad because little kiddies were around. Oh well... I was in pain. And no, I am not abused. Unless you want to put ME in jail for self abuse.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Blizzard Chicken and Fried Noodles

I was told by M this was very good and needs to be written down. I made this up...

Blizzard Chicken
2 large chicken breasts cut into small (chicken nugget size) pieces
1/4 onion chopped fine
olive oil
white pepper
powdered fennel (1 tsp?)
fenugreek (1 TB?)
celery salt (1/2 tsp?)

Um, cook onion in oil for a little bit (in pan on stove). Throw in chicken, let cook a little bit. Throw in spices and cook until done.

Blizzard Noodle
1/2 package hong kong style yellow pan fried noodle
2 c. chicken brother (~)
1/2 onion chopped fine
sesame oil (2 TB at least)
sesame seeds (1/4 c at least)

Cook onions in big wide fry pan in sesame oil. When glassy, throw noodles into pan. Realize they were supposed to be cooked before throwing in pan, so throw in at least 2 c. chicken broth (to cover the noodles) and let noodles absorb broth. Continue cooking on med-high heat turning frequently to dry out noodles and start browning. Add more sesame oil if need be. Halfway through the drying/browning process throw in sesame seeds so they brown as the noodles do (you may hear the pop pop of seeds).

I served with ginger baby bok choy. Great meal actually. Noodles took the longest to cook.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Working from home

Nothing quite so relaxing as seeing a kitty sleeping in the sun.
Second to that is a kitty sleeping in his blankets.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

More snow?

Can't fence snow in.

So, I was talking to my mom yesterday and she comes out with 'so, are you still moving to San Francisco?' WTF!!!??? I stumbled, mumbled, and sort of said I was. And then got off the phone both relieved and a little bit pissed. Because I had told my siblings with the expressed desire that they not say anything. I could guess who it was, but sent it to all. Of course, everyone but the one I thought it was responded "not me!" "not guilty!". The one I told that I was sort of relieved wrote back and said "well, if I had known it would make you feel better, I would have told her!".

So, a hurdle passed without me knowing it. Only one left is the EX.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

My life is snow

Another pretty picture for you. Snow snow and more snow. Alas I have to do some work even though technically my work is closed. I guess that's why I'm paid the big bucks. Ha. What are they going to do though if I don't do it? Fire me? Nah, I don't really have that attitude.

My back is feeling better after shoveling too much snow too fast. M helped me with my place yesterday, and because I could not shovel, he broke it into chunks that I could lift.

Of course, I'd rather be at his place because it's bigger and painted and overall neater. But I'm working on it. Finalizing the painting in the kitchen so I can get the electrical done. BTW, my anxiety level is decreased because I/we have decided that we will focus on selling M's place, and my place can wait. Either to sell it later, or for me to rent. Anyone have experience renting places? I am sure there are horror and good stories...

So, that's my life. I have to get back to painting. Damn how life gets in the way of my blogging and blog reading...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Bending and not breaking

My tree bent over with the weight of snow.

My tree after freeing it from its snow.

You think all is well and good. And then you realize that in trying to help, you've harmed the tree.

A metaphor?

Friday, February 5, 2010

For all those lonely men and lesbians out there

Inventor unveils $7,000 talking sex robot

My favorite quotes:

"There's a tremendous need for this kind of product," said Hines, a computer scientist and former Bell Labs engineer. [in engineering circles]

Roxxxy also has sensors in her hands and genital areas -- yes, she is anatomically correct -- that will trigger vocal responses from her when touched. She even shudders to simulate orgasm. [just like a real woman - faking an orgasm]

For an extra fee, he'll also record customizable dialogue and phrases for each client, which means Roxxxy could talk to you about NASCAR, say, or the intricacies of politics in the Middle East. [do I want to meet the man who wants to talk about Middle East politics as he's humping me?]

TrueCompanion also is developing a male sex robot, named Rocky. [you can buy fake Viagra pills to keep him up]

Here's the article.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Digging in the dirt

Did you know there's a new Peter Gabriel album coming out? I didn't until a stranger who's my facebook friend put up a link. Kinda cool.

I haven't had time to write here, but it's definitely time.

I struggle now with who I am, who I was, who I am becoming.
I know where I was. I am where I am. I'm not sure where I want to be.

In the past when there was too much running around in my head I'd fall apart, want to hurt myself, or just jam it down into my soul and not let most of it come out. The challenge now is to figure out how to deal with it without letting any of those things happen. I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok. I have my moments of struggle - of not being able to speak because I can't get my feet in solid ground and light upon what I want to say.

I struggle between knowing what I used to be, how bad off I was and using that praise myself, and the need to continually move forward. I have to take some time to celebrate that I am in such a good place now. I wish I had had more time to celebrate that before I started dating someone who challenges me. Who wants me to get rid of all of my leftover excuses and hang ups - doesn't demand it really but wants it of me and for me.

I say doesn't demand, but it's hard when he speaks the truth too many times - that if we don't learn how to interact in a healthy way it won't last. It feels like a threat. Or a promise. In response I head towards 'this is so much better than what I ever had'. Trouble is, you have to be with someone who believes that also and believes it will continue to be the case, and I am 99% sure he does. It's that 1% that pulls at my seams when I'm struggling to figure out what is me, what of what he is saying I want to/can take in and/or respond to, what are some of his issues, and what I cannot/will not do at this time, and perhaps never can/want to.

It all can sound so simple coming out of someone else's mouth. "Who says you can't do xxx? Find a way to make it work." It makes perfect sense, and there is a part of me that thinks that if I let really let go of my fears and negative expectations, yes, I could do xxx. Where is the line between holding yourself back and being realistic about what you can do at a certain time? I'm not sure. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and feeling strong, confusion and clarity. I've learned how to ride the wave of those things and come out eventually on the positive side, but I've never had someone along for that ride. It is perhaps a ride M doesn't want to take - someone who doesn't like sadness or anger being asked to get into this roller coaster which can have rides of various lengths. I guess that's one of my fears. I am who I am right now. I can be and will be more better best, but it will take time. And it may not be time he wants to take, no matter what he says about understanding that relationships develop over time and communication is key, and so on.

I struggle too with how much anguish to share. If I have a meltdown, do I let him know if it just hurts him that I've been hurting? I have meltdowns and I move on, but not at the speed he would like. He would like that I never have meltdowns. Is that a difference between men and women? I don't know.

I had a meltdown at the gym yesterday meeting my friend. I don't ever get there on time and I just gave up and told her I couldn't do it and we should climb another night so she has other people, and so on. She treasures my friendship so is willing to put up with it a little more (since I'm leaving - more crying from me) knew that there had to be more than that for me to have such a meltdown, offered to not climb so I could talk and I said no thanks, and we moved on. Two minutes later a woman I only met through email but who had climbed with my friend showed up. Me with red puffy face - Hi I'm Pamela. I just had a meltdown. She just looks at me and says, oh, well, I had a meltdown before coming to the gym because I spent all day making a meal that turned out to be inedible. And we climb. I tell M later about it, and his response is to ask why I think I can't make it to the gym on time - that if I only made it a priority I could do it. Well, fuck, yes, sure. Simple answer and true. (swirling thoughts of multiple priorities, commuting depending on mass transit, etc.etc. me not caring enough about my friend, etc etc. head wanting to pop).

Where is my solid ground that I stand on to respond to such things? Maybe it shouldn't be solid, but rather elastic? Should I be Gumby-girl?

And with that, I've spent 45 minute and must go get something done. Thanks as ever for listening, reading, feedback.

Here's the actual song.

Stay with me I need support.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Elmo's in love

Good morning

Hi - hope everyone is well... Had an Elmo inspired moment yesterday but didn't get it uploaded. Will try to do that tonight.

Day two of having headaches, arg.

Weekend - walking through the snow at night to go out to eat. Bringing an Ikea dresser that I got for free to a charity thrift store and seeing that they put it out for $125! Giving away a framed print that my godmother gave me with my university major places on it to a woman who's head of the local alumni association, so I don't feel quite so guilty. Climbing. Reorganizing all the clothes that were in said dresser. Creating a joint email account for M and I so we can sell/give away and both access the account. Going through M's house to see what to keep and get rid of.

So, productive. Didn't eat well yesterday, hence I think the headache today. Alas.