Digging in the dirt

Did you know there's a new Peter Gabriel album coming out? I didn't until a stranger who's my facebook friend put up a link. Kinda cool.

I haven't had time to write here, but it's definitely time.

I struggle now with who I am, who I was, who I am becoming.
I know where I was. I am where I am. I'm not sure where I want to be.

In the past when there was too much running around in my head I'd fall apart, want to hurt myself, or just jam it down into my soul and not let most of it come out. The challenge now is to figure out how to deal with it without letting any of those things happen. I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok. I have my moments of struggle - of not being able to speak because I can't get my feet in solid ground and light upon what I want to say.

I struggle between knowing what I used to be, how bad off I was and using that praise myself, and the need to continually move forward. I have to take some time to celebrate that I am in such a good place now. I wish I had had more time to celebrate that before I started dating someone who challenges me. Who wants me to get rid of all of my leftover excuses and hang ups - doesn't demand it really but wants it of me and for me.

I say doesn't demand, but it's hard when he speaks the truth too many times - that if we don't learn how to interact in a healthy way it won't last. It feels like a threat. Or a promise. In response I head towards 'this is so much better than what I ever had'. Trouble is, you have to be with someone who believes that also and believes it will continue to be the case, and I am 99% sure he does. It's that 1% that pulls at my seams when I'm struggling to figure out what is me, what of what he is saying I want to/can take in and/or respond to, what are some of his issues, and what I cannot/will not do at this time, and perhaps never can/want to.

It all can sound so simple coming out of someone else's mouth. "Who says you can't do xxx? Find a way to make it work." It makes perfect sense, and there is a part of me that thinks that if I let really let go of my fears and negative expectations, yes, I could do xxx. Where is the line between holding yourself back and being realistic about what you can do at a certain time? I'm not sure. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and feeling strong, confusion and clarity. I've learned how to ride the wave of those things and come out eventually on the positive side, but I've never had someone along for that ride. It is perhaps a ride M doesn't want to take - someone who doesn't like sadness or anger being asked to get into this roller coaster which can have rides of various lengths. I guess that's one of my fears. I am who I am right now. I can be and will be more better best, but it will take time. And it may not be time he wants to take, no matter what he says about understanding that relationships develop over time and communication is key, and so on.

I struggle too with how much anguish to share. If I have a meltdown, do I let him know if it just hurts him that I've been hurting? I have meltdowns and I move on, but not at the speed he would like. He would like that I never have meltdowns. Is that a difference between men and women? I don't know.

I had a meltdown at the gym yesterday meeting my friend. I don't ever get there on time and I just gave up and told her I couldn't do it and we should climb another night so she has other people, and so on. She treasures my friendship so is willing to put up with it a little more (since I'm leaving - more crying from me) knew that there had to be more than that for me to have such a meltdown, offered to not climb so I could talk and I said no thanks, and we moved on. Two minutes later a woman I only met through email but who had climbed with my friend showed up. Me with red puffy face - Hi I'm Pamela. I just had a meltdown. She just looks at me and says, oh, well, I had a meltdown before coming to the gym because I spent all day making a meal that turned out to be inedible. And we climb. I tell M later about it, and his response is to ask why I think I can't make it to the gym on time - that if I only made it a priority I could do it. Well, fuck, yes, sure. Simple answer and true. (swirling thoughts of multiple priorities, commuting depending on mass transit, etc.etc. me not caring enough about my friend, etc etc. head wanting to pop).

Where is my solid ground that I stand on to respond to such things? Maybe it shouldn't be solid, but rather elastic? Should I be Gumby-girl?

And with that, I've spent 45 minute and must go get something done. Thanks as ever for listening, reading, feedback.

Here's the actual song.


Stay with me I need support.