Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Digging in the dirt

Did you know there's a new Peter Gabriel album coming out? I didn't until a stranger who's my facebook friend put up a link. Kinda cool.

I haven't had time to write here, but it's definitely time.

I struggle now with who I am, who I was, who I am becoming.
I know where I was. I am where I am. I'm not sure where I want to be.

In the past when there was too much running around in my head I'd fall apart, want to hurt myself, or just jam it down into my soul and not let most of it come out. The challenge now is to figure out how to deal with it without letting any of those things happen. I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok. I have my moments of struggle - of not being able to speak because I can't get my feet in solid ground and light upon what I want to say.

I struggle between knowing what I used to be, how bad off I was and using that praise myself, and the need to continually move forward. I have to take some time to celebrate that I am in such a good place now. I wish I had had more time to celebrate that before I started dating someone who challenges me. Who wants me to get rid of all of my leftover excuses and hang ups - doesn't demand it really but wants it of me and for me.

I say doesn't demand, but it's hard when he speaks the truth too many times - that if we don't learn how to interact in a healthy way it won't last. It feels like a threat. Or a promise. In response I head towards 'this is so much better than what I ever had'. Trouble is, you have to be with someone who believes that also and believes it will continue to be the case, and I am 99% sure he does. It's that 1% that pulls at my seams when I'm struggling to figure out what is me, what of what he is saying I want to/can take in and/or respond to, what are some of his issues, and what I cannot/will not do at this time, and perhaps never can/want to.

It all can sound so simple coming out of someone else's mouth. "Who says you can't do xxx? Find a way to make it work." It makes perfect sense, and there is a part of me that thinks that if I let really let go of my fears and negative expectations, yes, I could do xxx. Where is the line between holding yourself back and being realistic about what you can do at a certain time? I'm not sure. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and feeling strong, confusion and clarity. I've learned how to ride the wave of those things and come out eventually on the positive side, but I've never had someone along for that ride. It is perhaps a ride M doesn't want to take - someone who doesn't like sadness or anger being asked to get into this roller coaster which can have rides of various lengths. I guess that's one of my fears. I am who I am right now. I can be and will be more better best, but it will take time. And it may not be time he wants to take, no matter what he says about understanding that relationships develop over time and communication is key, and so on.

I struggle too with how much anguish to share. If I have a meltdown, do I let him know if it just hurts him that I've been hurting? I have meltdowns and I move on, but not at the speed he would like. He would like that I never have meltdowns. Is that a difference between men and women? I don't know.

I had a meltdown at the gym yesterday meeting my friend. I don't ever get there on time and I just gave up and told her I couldn't do it and we should climb another night so she has other people, and so on. She treasures my friendship so is willing to put up with it a little more (since I'm leaving - more crying from me) knew that there had to be more than that for me to have such a meltdown, offered to not climb so I could talk and I said no thanks, and we moved on. Two minutes later a woman I only met through email but who had climbed with my friend showed up. Me with red puffy face - Hi I'm Pamela. I just had a meltdown. She just looks at me and says, oh, well, I had a meltdown before coming to the gym because I spent all day making a meal that turned out to be inedible. And we climb. I tell M later about it, and his response is to ask why I think I can't make it to the gym on time - that if I only made it a priority I could do it. Well, fuck, yes, sure. Simple answer and true. (swirling thoughts of multiple priorities, commuting depending on mass transit, etc.etc. me not caring enough about my friend, etc etc. head wanting to pop).

Where is my solid ground that I stand on to respond to such things? Maybe it shouldn't be solid, but rather elastic? Should I be Gumby-girl?

And with that, I've spent 45 minute and must go get something done. Thanks as ever for listening, reading, feedback.

Here's the actual song.

Stay with me I need support.


Ananda girl said...

First off, thanks for the Peter Gabriel! And the heads up about the coming album.

Secondly, I have developed a strong relationship with a man who is brutally honest. He has done me a world of good, but it is a sometimes painful experience.

Yet the one thing I know about this man, is that he cares a great deal for me and I am safe. He helps me work my life out. But it is slow and scary. All I have to do is be honest with myself and honest with him. The latter was the hardest.

All I can be is me. And I am often frightened to trust. I have no solution for you. But you are not alone. I hope that helps.

Churlita said...

I'm late a lot too. It drives my oldest daughter crazy. She always tells me the time we need to be at a place is at least 15 minutes than it actually is. That's how we work around both of our quirks. Sometimes you just have to get creative in order to live with people, and sometimes it's not that easy. I've been single for so long, I can't really help people with relationship advice. Sorry.

Did you get that from Dexter? (aka Bill B.) He has a blog called Degrees of Gray in Iowa City and his blog name is Dexter.

Churlita said...

Uh, that would be 15 minutes EARLIER.

Mel said...

OH boy----too many questions and such simple answers that I complicated for what felt like a lifetime.

Lemme see if I can break it into chunks.

Trust is a choice. It's a decision we make.

Be all that you ARE today, it's enough.

Tell the truth all the time. You'll never know 'unconditional love' if you're withholding 'that one thing' you're convinced someone will deem 'unloveable' 'if they only knew.....'

And finally--cuz I could go on all night long--

You cannot guard your heart.


Oh...and always, always, ALWAYS have a good supply of bubbles!

(k....mighta made that last bit up......)

NoRegrets said...

Ananda - both things are hard for me - being completely honest with him and with me. I've had some experience but I'd like to do it 100% I was going to say trust is not an issue, but I suppose it has to be a little if I am afraid to be completely honest. Nothing against him at all - my issues. (btw, he read my post and your comment and liked your comment)

Churlita, thing is, my time period is 10 minute. Always 10 minutes late. Except in very very special circumstances. I did get that from Bill. I'm FB friends because of a comment I made about the Red Sox once. Didn't know he had a blog.

Mel, thing is, you can try to guard your heart and it's never a good thing. Thanks much for all the comments. Now that I have a new bathtub, I might go for the bubbles. Oh, did you mean blowing bubbles??

laura b. said...

Given where I am in my life, I am not even remotely qualified to give advice. I can only tell you that the feelings and issues you are describing are not unfamiliar to me at all.

heather said...

it's been a while since i've done this. i forgot how to leave a comment... been reading though, just not writing or commenting or answering e-mails for that matter.

as the spouse of someone who has your same issues with confusion and clarity, panic and confidence i can tell you this much.
there are times when i want to throw the towel (not to mention his head stuffed in c-4) down a deep dark well. other times i feel incredibly blessed.
he will have to decide for himself if he wants to ride that roller coaster with you, and he will have to decide just how willing he is to let you grow at your own pace and how hard he needs you to work at 'improving'.
like j said, it's a fun ride.

and sometimes it is.

Pamela said...

Laura, yep. I get it.

YOUAREALIVE! Heather! Been thinking of you.