Thursday, June 16, 2016

What I've been missing

After a dream last night I realized what I've been missing. I've been missing touch. And openness.

Darn, I was all eloquent this morning about it in my head, and wanted to write it down. Too much Chinese food has wiped it all out.

A guy in my building at one of my jobs who we've said hello to each other for around a year finally asked me where I worked and then tracked me down through LinkedIn. Not in a creepy way. In fact in a way cool way -like someone paid attention to me and thought enough to want to meet me. We had coffee, and I got him to invite me to join him at one of his Giants season tickets games. He keeps saying something about being friends, etc. but then he does things or says things that point a little way from that. Like being certain to point out that he's going to meet a friend for coffee. A guy.

In any event, I've realized how much I shut myself down from being open to any sort of relationship. And how much I miss hugging and touching someone. And speaking openly about stuff like feelings. M is so anti-touch/hug (likely mostly because he didn't feel close to me, but really I had a drought for something like 6 years). I also have a huge wall when all I really want to be is hugged and touched. 

My that sounds so pathetic. And inarticulate. I just had this dream about a guy I have known since '95 who is my safe go to guy, or was until I flipped out last year. He's someone I could fall back on, and he is no longer there. I woke from the dream for this longing for closeness, despite the fact that for the last several years I haven't wanted anyone to get close. I've been fine with being single, and then I feel something missing. I'm not afraid to be by myself, I just for the moment feel the lack.

Oh hell... I can't even explain it to myself.

Here's something I climbed two weeks ago and was so proud of myself for doing with my climbing friend R. That is Cathedral Peak.  11 hours door to door. Scary treacherous down climb. 1.5 hour hike in and then back out. Hell of a day and I did it.  Highest point 11,000 feet.

I'm trying to stretch boundaries in my 50th year.