Friday, October 30, 2009

That's the Way the World Goes Round

I was reminded of this song listening to WFMU and hearing a John Prine song. This is one of my favorites, and so appropriate all the time. Ups and downs lately: got an interview for a job in California, either via videoconference or in person. Got my wonderful long amazingly cut hair cut yesterday and I hate it. Too short, not styled well, etc. I wanted a replica of what I had, and did not get it. Is that ever possible? Of course, just in time for tons of important meetings. Trying to tell myself that I'm more than my hair.

Here's the song. The first 2 minutes is the song. I think he talks after that and has interesting stuff to say, but I'm at work!!! Gotta go work.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Happy Birthday

I found another reason to not check Facebook at work. Besides all the ones you can think of, you have to watch out for a sucker punch. I was scanning quickly, and there I see the first guy I fell in love with. His sister had posted the photo and put a loving message on there to him, because today is his birthday. As a song I love says, I bursted out a'cryin'. Oh boy, it was a big shock. As I mentioned before, he died of Creuzfeld Jakob's disease. In the time since he's died, there's now various centers. Here's one at UCSF where you can find out about the different forms the disease has, and how quickly you die from each one. Because there is no cure.

But it makes me remember him and I can wish him Happy Birthday too.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Starting a new topic - letters from the past

In an attempt to clean out my old papers, I'm going to start sharing pieces of letters I received from as far back as middle school. I still have a lot of actual, real, letters, and they really must go (ok, except for a few special ones, like the one in which my dad actually wrote a paragraph - and he NEVER wrote much at all beyond his signature).

So, here goes:
Dear Pamela,
I miss you SO MUCH!!! I wish you were here (no, actually I wish I was there!!) Well, anyway, howeryadoin? Incredibly fantastic and amazing I hope! I'm so glad you called tonight - it felt awesomely wild to hear your voice again. [...blah blah blah] I have to tell you I spent all weekend trying to convince myself that I wouldn't miss you that much and that two weeks wasn't really that long but Sunday night there was a thunderstorm and I went to the window to watch it and the first and only thing I could think about was you and how much I really, really miss you.

Me again:
OK, I had to share that one because I think a year later, freshman year in college, I received a letter from him that started: Dear Bitch. Receiving that sent me into my first ever spiral of deep depression. But now, I think it's damn funny. And not so surprising given that he was way off the deep end in the 'you're great' way. He had to go all the way the other way later.

Excuse me while I go rip up this card into little pieces.

hi all...

Not writing much as I spent last night applying to another job that would really be great. I would find it interesting and am not completely frightened out of my mind by it. Yes, in California. I just have to keep trying, and not get too excited every time a decent job pops up.

Other than that, I brought a friend my pint of Haagen Daas dark chocolate ice cream. I didn't like it when I had it at home because to me it was so chocolate-y that I wanted to chew it like a candy bar but I couldn't. But in the time it took to bring it to my friend, it had softened, and oh my god. The texture was amazing as was the flavor. Holy crap. Thankfully I left it with him. I could have eaten the whole pint.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A quote I needed to read

...The most valuable thing I can think of is to be grateful for suffering. That is a sublime feeling, and completely inexplicable and illogical, but no one doesn't suffer. so the degree to which you can be aware of your own humanity is the degree to which you can accept, with open eyes, your suffering. To be grateful for your suffering is to be grateful for your humanity, because what else are you going to do -- say "no thanks"? It's there. "Smile and accept," said Mother Teresa. And she was talking to people who had it rough.

Hmmm... Guess who said this?
Stephen Colbert. Quoted in Rolling Stone article.

Of course, shared this with a friend, and his reply:
Honestly, the only benefit i derive from suffering is the opportunity to hone my whining.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Saturday Hunt - Honored

I went apple picking today here:

Amazing, eh?

These were granny smith. There weren't very many and difficult to find even on a good day. But I was really there to get another variety (Stayman) and got a 1/2 bushel from their bins. ($10)

Well, it was the same place I had gone strawberry picking back in May. I felt very honored that the guy who made my caramel apple for me (actually #2) remembered me. (He made me a second because I said I didn't think the first was the apple variety I wanted. I said no repeatedly but he made it and gave it to me and who was I to refuse? So I helped them - took money, handed out cider - while I ate it.) And no! Yet again, this is just a nice guy. I met his wife in the strawberry fields. (OK, that sounds faintly dirty...but again, not meant that way).

[you know, this was the toughest word ever for me!]

Friday, October 23, 2009

Habitat for Humanity

This morning I was feeling sad, blue, overwhelmed, nowhere, cave-woman-like, but I went to the Habitat for Humanity breakfast anyway. I had signed up a while back and I wasn't NOT going to go because they had me RSVP and it would mean wasted food.

It was the first one I've ever been to though I have volunteered sporadically in the last 15+ years I've lived here. I arrive in my biking gear, and there's a formal breakfast set up and lots of people with suits and ties and business attire. It was a networking/fundraising breakfast. Ack! But that's ok, soon in I realized they needed all types of people there - volunteers help attest to the important work that is done.

A woman who was chosen to get a home spoke. A few quotes:
[she was so down and poor that] I coudn't even afford to dream.
Homeowners are required to put in sweat equity - I believe 300 hours (or is it 100 - likely 100). She put in 150 because: These people are working hard and what am I going to say, oh I've done my time, I'm done?
When she got the house and was living in it: When I look at a window it reminds me of a face [of a person who worked on that]. When I look at a door, it reminds me of a person.

So, you know, I cried some (as did others, including a guy at a table nearby who kept wiping his nose with his napkin). I also was of course inspired by the man (simple professor) who has to date donated a couple hundred thousand dollars. And it got me thinking outside my little hermit bubble, which was a good thing.

It's a great organization btw, and there are affiliates everywhere.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Nothing like a 10:00 pm interview

Had a work dinner tonight. Didn't get out of it until about 10:00. Had a great time by the way.

I had had a call earlier in the day from a small international nonprofit based in N. California. A Board member wanted to talk to me. And she needed to talk to me today - and found out the reason later was because the Board is meeting tomorrow and talking about candidates for the Executive Director position.

Holy fucking shit. Me as an Executive Director?

Well, talked with her after the dinner. And we got along and she's going to recommend that I be interviewed in person. Holy crap. Kinda. Because I really feel I could do this job. It's a bunch of very committed people, yet small enough not to be overwhelming. And to be quite honest, I think I'd only get this opportunity out there. There's too many people around where I live who are overqualified for such a position and I'd have no chance here. My resume is impressive and captures people's attention out there. It seems.

So we shall see. I'm not sure if I want you to wish me luck. I'm still contemplating this whole thing. Does it make sense? I've at this point gotten over the whole Exhibit A thing, given he has had noooo contact, which I kinda didn't expect from him, but he could have written back when I wrote a short email, but he didn't. I'm interested, not desperate. Is the line I'm going to use. In any event, my main concern at this point is whether it's really good for me. Do I want to move, really? The answer is of course yes and no. So, we'll see.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

One thing I did this weekend

My greatest challenge this weekend was taking care of my friends' twin 7 (or 9?) month old boys for 3 1/2 hours. All by my lonesome. I was unsure how I'd deal, but it all ended up ok. My friend's sister was there but she needed to leave town early to go see her own son in a show. When I got there she gave me the run-down - much more than I would ever want to know. She really didn't want to leave, but of course had to go. As she's saying that D hadn't pooped all weekend, D's standing up by the door grunting. Oh crap. Literally. Thankfully she changed him before she left (with exclamations from the other room: Oh My! It's so big! I can't believe that came out of you D! - she's a very bubbly woman)

Half hour into it, I was ready to do something to make the time go by. I tried feeding them. But getting two boys into high chairs and keeping them occupied and fed, well, it didn't last long. So then we went for a walk. But getting two boys into coats and hats and getting down the street is not easy, so it took a long time to get going.

(BTW, Yes, I know anyone with kids knows all this. But it's so hard when you don't do it day in and day out. I mean, when do you go to the bathroom??)

And then riding them around in the store, trying to gather up items to buy without crushing the boys, well, that was interesting. As was fitting the double stroller down the checkout lane.

Back at the house, they were getting grumpy so I knew either they had to be fed, had to nap, or needed a diaper change. The diaper was ok I thought. And it wasn't quite nap time. So, I decided to feed them some more. But none of this chair business. I got the food, sat on the other side of the baby grate, and fed them through the bars as they stood up. Zoo time!

THEN it was time for nap. One upstairs, one down. They screamed for a good 10 minutes and then finally it was quiet. I tried to find HGTV, my favorite station - by the time I found it - they were both screaming again. My friend had said that I should let them cry but I didn't know that meant if they woke up too early from the nap too.

So, both got up. One got a diaper change. And then I just held both - one on each leg as I sat on the floor, and let them lean against me and stop crying and hopefully sleep. When dad showed up, they were so out of it, they just kinda looked at them in a stupor. I am afraid to find out how they were the rest of the day/evening given they had such a short nap. But they survived and so did I. It's easier when you don't necessarily have to follow all the rules (like eating in a chair). I got off easy I think.

Here they are, D and B.

Monday, October 19, 2009


Thanks all for your words of wisdom/thoughts. I just sometimes get overwhelmed by imperfection. Can you guess I used to be a perfectionist? Is it really possible to say that? Used to be? I like to think so. I've given it up over the years, sometimes tipping a little too far into the non-perfectionist side. Not sure that was really the case here. And not sure that I can go blame bipolar disorder 2. Truth is, I have to start stepping up to the plate more. And as I've mentioned, it's only recently that I've felt I can. Am able to. To the extent possible. Because I have good medication, but the other things rear their ugly heads. Like perfectionism. Or lack thereof. Or is it self flagellation? A little bit of that too. But I made it through the day. The world did not come to an end yet. I resisted the urge to avoid the issues and my parts in them. And I'll deal with it over the next couple days. I make it sound like I've killed someone, when all I've really done is not paid enough attention to budget reports. That are now late and impacting funds available. But truly it's not the end of the world. And lessons have been learned. I need to write them down...never forget! And move on.

I was going to write about my weekend, but I'll let that slide another day. It's late. Hope everyone is well.

Learning lessons

I have to think of all the mistakes I'm making as learning opportunities. I really do. And not get sucked into "I'm a horrible manager" way of thinking. Fuck.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Saturday Hunt - Keep

Whenever I buy shoes, I never ever know if I'm really going to keep them. These are my most recent purchase, and I still haven't decided if I should keep them. They are nice, but the toe is very very pointed, and I'm a not so pointed toe person. (But not a rounded end person for sure.) I need the color though (dark brown) and there's nothing else out there (ok in at least the one store chain I go to).

Friday, October 16, 2009

Something that makes me smile

I sat on the couch last night, with my afghan on (that my mom knit, btw). Billy was on my lap (long ways, since I was lengthwise on the couch). I had finished watching tv, and turned it off. And sat there for a little bit with my eyes closed (which is dangerous, since I can fall asleep there and hours later I wake up). I opened my eyes, and watched Billy. I have never ever seen this before. His head was up initially, but then he fell into a deeper and deeper sleep. As he did this, his head inched down, until his face was directly into the blanket. Kinda like he had gone splat. So NOT elegant for a cat, and oh so cute. Of course his butt was towards me so I didn't seeeee it see it, but it was still amazing.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Climbing day

On Saturday I went up to New Paltz. Colorful New Paltz.

I wasn't quite sure what I'd be doing, but I figured at the very least I'd go for a hike. Turns out, I thought I forgot my sports bra, so I knew I'd also have to go shopping for a new sports bra (sorry Squirrel - I found it when I got back to my mom's so technically I didn't forget it, so the counter stays where it is).

In the end, it turned out it was C and her boyfriend G, and Frenchguy, who climbs 5.13's, and me. We didn't start until noon or so, because it had rained the night before, and the rock had to dry off. Because I was the 'non-local' I was one of the first two up right away (Frenchguy was the second). G, a new climber and belayer, belayed me. I got on a 5.7PG - Thin Slabs. I did a stupid hard start, got a piece of gear in, did another stupid hard move, got a piece of gear in, but, alas fell before getting the rope up.

Now, I was pretty high, but not incredibly so. It was a judgement call whether to use the rope or address it like I was bouldering. Turns out G did neither. He pretty much literally caught me, and I rolled onto him we both fell with me on top of him. Slow motion too. Neither one of us was hurt, and C looked at us laughing hysterically. It was indeed pretty damn funny, and very very soft. I appreciated it, because either other way, I might have broken another toe, or an ankle.

So, I finished it, with one hang. I was freaked a little less from falling than from the fact it was still a little wet. And you know what, it sucks to be around someone who climbs hard, because you know that someone can get you out of a jam if need be. I had to fight the urge to have Frenchguy finish the climb and just follow. But fight I did, and was glad I did it.

We climbed another climb each (C leading one this time), and that was the day. I was really glad to get up there and had a great time. And I must say, it's been a very long time since I met someone so nice and considerate and genuinely a really great person, and even though he's French! As one example, Frenchguy had heard my story about my need for food, and when we all went to the bar after climbing, which we thought was going to be dinner, he made sure to get food so I could eat. And he wasn't interested me THAT way, he just is interested in people and wanting to be nice. No ego whatsoever. Turns out C and J and Frenchguy are going on a road trip, and I all but invited myself to meet up with them somewhere, and hope I can.

Poor dude couldn't make it up the rock.

So he went another way and Frenchguy got some great photos of him.

I like it when I do stuff on the weekends, so I have something to write about.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Booze cruise

Working backwards in time on the weekend...

Sunday was a gorgeous day, and a great day to be on the water. My friend P came with me, and it really was the perfect day for both of us. It was a weird weird, but amazingly friendly crowd. This couple we met on the way in and spent the entire cruise with. He even bought us all pizza!

So, here's one DJ, X-Ray, and another photo with both of them. I didn't really get a good photo of Glen Jones in his captain and tenille outfit.

Some of the characters we met, well, were caricatures. There was Mr. Suave, who I don't have a photo of. Seriously, he acted like he should have his shirt unbuttoned to his belly and would drive a Camaro. He walked by the group of four of us, and I saw he had a beer, and asked if he got it from the bar (we were desperate to start drinking). He turns, leans, juts out his crotch, and offers me a sip of his tequila and ice. I took it of course - why not take advantage? He was Mr. Smooth - at least he acknowledged the others, but he so wanted to get me alone to another part of the boat. Oh so tempting. But I resisted.

Then there was Mr. Clueless. Here's a photo.

I take his picture and he starts talking to me about how he knows the DJs from when they were kids. Blah blah, and mentions something about a long time ago, and that there's no way I could know about it. Then looks at my friend P, and says, well you're old enough to know, right. I just looked at P with my mouth open - Oh My God! I turned to him and said, you know we're the same age right. And instead of apologizing, he looks at P and says, there's no way you're the same age. I just looked at her, she looks at him "you know you just insulted me, right?". He still doesn't quite get that he should just run away, so I finally waved him off with a 'you're done'. Oh my god - I felt so badly.

Overall though, people were great and it was a beautiful day and they played great music. Here's the best song that came on.

So many sights. So many memories.

Monday, October 12, 2009

How to have a great TIME

How do you have a good TIME on a weekend? Well, if you are me:

Start with some outdoor exercise fun:
(make it easy by climbing a horizontal climb - no that's not me)

Then have some outdoor beer-drinking boat-riding non-exercise fun:

And in between, visit mom and her (spoiled much?) cat:

Friday, October 9, 2009

Where I will be Sunday afternoon

Part of Glen and X. Ray's 2009 Marathon victory included convincing Station Manager Ken to let them host their very own booze cruise. Because you stood by their side during the Marathon, we are offering you first dibs and a special discount on the first-ever IBJ Schmooze Cruise!

Who: WFMU's Glen Jones and X. Ray Burns and YOU!

What: The IBJ Schmooze Cruise around Manhattan, plus live broadcast.

When: Sunday, October 11th (the vessel boards at noon sharp, and the cruise will last until approx 4pm).

Where: Aboard the S.S. Jewel, departing from New York Skyports Marina, 2430 FDR Drive, East Service Road (at E. 23rd St), New York, NY.

Details: Light snacks will be provided, and the ship is equipped with a cash bar.

I'm such a WFMU geek! Sorry I haven't been very interesting writing lately. I took a wallop from the Monday night non interview and have retreated into a cave. Also, my meds have thrown me for a loop. I was all great, and now I fear I'm not so much (like, for instance, spent 20 minutes in my office yesterday crying). So trying to see how it goes. Recoup.

And the slugs came back. UGH. So I stuff newspaper under the door. I hope they don't come in anymore.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Homeless American Girl


You know what an American Girl doll is, right? Well, they introduced a homeless one. Amazing. A $95 doll that is homeless.

Here's an article with one opinion about it.

I find it to be in the intersection of interesting and wrong. Sure, it teaches something about about the issues in America, but there are so many associated lessons that can go wrong because the homelessness issue itself is so complex.

I can just see a little girl giving a homeless person on the street money to go get her hair done.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The No News

Let's just say that was the longest non interview I've ever had. The guy so wanted to interview me, but I do not have and cannot fake one aspect that all the stakeholders think should be an essential item (the last two people interviewed with 14!!! people). The organization/stakeholders are looking for a needle in a haystack. But the guy really liked my resume and it seems me, and is going to float the general concept of me around to see what kind of reaction it gets. So, we'll see what happens. Maybe next time I'd actually have an interview, rather than a discussion about why I can't be interviewed because he doesn't want to lead me on...

Guess I have more time to work on my house.

It's all ok, since it's just nice to have someone interested in me. I'll keep looking around.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I've been anxious since Friday about my interview tomorrow, so not really almost able to breathe. I did manage to climb some today. And yesterday got to drive my friend's BMW with a great sound system - blasting an old Kings of Leon album which was great.


I thought of hope today as I watched all the birds. One in particular was standing still in the water, waiting for a fish to go by. Hoping for a fish to go by. I had forgotten my camera, so here's a photo of the bird. Ok, just realized it's a bunch of photos together from here:

I will write Monday night...and comment then too.

Friday, October 2, 2009

celebrate the changes...

Yesterday afternoon, I made a big deal with a friend to make sure her husband let it slip to my ex that I'm looking at jobs in CA. I realized, that's silly - I'm trying to protect him or something. So after climbing with him last night, I told him I had a job interview. For a job in SF. And he kind of blinked. Said he would miss me, but wished me luck.

I'll go back now to counting my chickens before they hatch.