Old flames

Just saw Exhibit A, who is now married. I sorta pride myself in being able to stay friends or at least acquaintances with people I've had some sort of relationship with (or something with). But it can be odd if you think about it too much, like if you go back in time and remember things you did with the person and/or how you felt. Luckily it's in my genes at least to be able to move on and step away from the past. I'm kinda sad that my ex said that we'd likely never see each other again (was reminded when it was my birthday). I'd like at least to be able to send a Christmas card, and I just might. Whatever - he can throw it away and I won't even know. On the other hand, it's kinda quite ok, because I've moved on. But it's still sad.

Foretold

When we visited Cutiepie's mom, she made a statement about a blog post I had made in which I mentioned it was the perfect date except that I was with M. And as she said, DUH. I could not for the life of me remember when that was. But finally found it. I love reading the comments too after the fact.

An aside.

Awww...It's really great that we finally did get together.

Oops...

Sorry I left that photo as the main photo for so long... I could post an even more colorful version, but I'll leave that be.

So, pet peeves/oddities. We've been finding out each other's pet peeves/oddities. A list - not necessarily inclusive:

M: do not leave food sitting out even if you might use it in 5 minutes.

P: do not store bread near bananas

M: coffee must come after cereal

P: close the kitchen cabinet doors, please

M&P: save every bag imaginable in the chance you might need it.

M: take shower before breakfast

P: take shower after breakfast

Oh dear, I struggle to find more of his, when my list goes on. I'll leave it as an even score for now.

"I'm not high maintenance. I just know what I want." quote from where? :-)

Welcome to

The space formerly known as my bathroom. Ugly bathroom. Which I hope to make a nice one. Crap! Did I take 'before' photos? I may have forgotten.


Also, [welcome to] a healthy relationship. One in which the other person is available - does not have any barriers be they emotional or of circumstance that keeps him from committing his all.

It's something I deserve, but still has its own challenges. Before it happened, I was just getting into being 'me' - a recuperated grown up me, and I get into this relationship thing where another person is now in my life and I have to make sure I don't fall into old habits.

Old habits include putting the other person before me. Using the cranky domineering voice to squash opposition. Fearing that someone will find me boring. Blah blah blah.

But the new habits are to touch base with myself. Listen to how I'm feeling and what it means. And communicate that, so progress can be made, and chaos/bad feelings do not ensue. To accept criticism/critique and know that it means I have something to learn (most times).

Whew, it's a challenge. But the benefits/rewards are great.

Coming Out

I'm back home from the Christmas holiday and don't have the energy to do much and don't quite want to go to bed yet, so I'll spill my guts.

I said I had big news, and boy, do I. I now have a significant other. That is not a cat. It's a person you know through my blog. Someone who EVERYONE would guess and suggest, but never in a million (OK, 14) years would WE have guessed and suggested.

It's M, the guy who's been helping me with my house. Yeah, like I said, maybe everyone else could see it coming for a million miles or years, but we did not. Really truly. People don't believe that, but it's true. T-R-U-E. Though, it doesn't matter one bit if noone believes us, even my ex.

Because, you see, it's one of those things that makes you start to think the love songs all make sense. That feels comfortable despite the tremendous terrified feeling that existed right before the switch happened from friend to significant other. That allows the change to happen as it will, with understanding and compassion and trust and love and humor, with the lessening-in-frequency pauses to say 'this is odd, odd, odd'. That you CAN have it all in relationship - friendship, love, sex, humor, respect, and more.

It happened in J-tree. I didn't trust it at first. Well, yes and no. It was going to be 'just a CA thing.' But then we talked a lot when he was still away. We talked a lot when he got back. He walked in my door the first time after CA and we looked at each other and said 'this is weird'. But, ya know, it's well worth the terror and adjustment and fear. It's well worth possibly losing any sort of relationship with my ex, forever (he was not happy, to say the least). It's well worth the adjustment of how I saw my life folding out in front of me.

But there are still moments of fear. Like just now when I went to write his age, I realized that I am much more comfortable writing that he's 12 years older than me than that he is 55 (!!!). So, before writing that sentence, I called him up and told him that. Because that's what we do. Some quotable quotes: "Age is just a number, but it's much more than that." "I can't believe I'm that fucking old." "It's a low number when talking about the speed limit, but otherwise, not so much." "I don't think of you as any younger than me." That last one, maybe not so quotable, but I forgive him - I understood the concept.

No, he's never been married. But engaged twice(ish). And part of the reason he never married is that it never felt right. He wanted it all. And had given up hope that it would arrive. And, suddenly, I appear. So, he's quite mushy about it all, and all his friends all over the world want to meet me (OK, well at least 3 in the US). He's self aware and has learned all the necessary communication skills for being with a woman (#1 - patience... :-) )

And just so you don't think it's all roses and lollipops, again, it's been requiring an adjustment because I thought I'd marry a younger guy and have a family, etc. And I know his quirks and annoyances already and he knows mine and we don't keep quiet about our opinions of them.

But I took him home for the holidays, and he not only endured, but also enjoyed. And liked and was liked. So, likely CA will greet us together in late spring.

(so, cynics, ha on you. you can indeed have it all. it may take longer than you want. there may be way too much pain to get you to the point. but if you stay open to the possibilities and are willing to take terrifying leaps, great things CAN happen. you can also get run over by a truck, but neither one is possible without the leap.)

Death of Love

I learned something a while back. The first guy I was completely in love with let me move away. Yet whenever we were in the same area we'd get together and it would be great. So much so, he came to visit with the idea of finally figuring out us. And decided again, no. Despite my devastation, I remained friends with him, because I'm not one to give up relationships easily. The last time I saw him the way I knew him, I still felt the way I had always felt. I mean, I had had boyfriends, but it just wasn't the same.

Soon after that, he came down with Creuzfeld Jakob's disease, which eats away at your brain. When he called to tell me he was sick, I had no problem at all saying I love you. Because I always had. His parents told me that I should come visit him, and I did. He was still talking and moving when I arrived and he was excited to see me. And for some reason the nurses assigned to him were really small! So, they needed help helping him in the shower, and it was no problem doing that. He needed assistance eating, but he still had spirit. I would have happily lived my life with him like that.

But then later that day he had a horrible seizure, and it was the beginning of the real end. He lasted another month I think. I went out for the memorial, and everyone treated me like I was the widow. Sitting with his parents up front, photos in the album of me and him - everything. It was crazy. But I felt like a widow. And they needed a widow. I wished I had had the time to be with him.

But really, he had to die for me to move on with my life. We weren't going to be together, and his dying finally made me believe it. How strange to write.

And the lesson learned from that is sometimes you have to think of the person being dead in order to move on. Or at least I do. Because otherwise...there's always pain, and sometimes hope. So, for example, I'll think of my ex as dead. And if I see him in the gym alive and climbing, I'll be amazed and might have to worship him since he's risen from the dead. And that will really piss him off, since he is so religious. Oh well...

I swear this will be my last super serious post. I've just had to get stuff out.

Connections

Life events including my ex deciding he doesn't want to interact with me but not telling me that, have as you can tell made me think again about my life and men.

I've only had a couple men in my life that I've felt a deep soul-mingling connect with (and no, my ex was not one of them). Have you ever experienced that? Where you can feel your 'self' touching the other 'self'. Where you can sense so much more than words can ever convey. I guess these are the true loves maybe - I've had it with my mom and my dad, so it's not a sexual thing.

In fact, the first time I ever had it with a guy, I ended up breaking up with him because the physical part in our relationship was missing. I just was simply not attracted to him physically. Yet still, when I said to him (on the phone, alas, because at the time we were living in different states) that it really was the end, I felt his 'self' rip away from me. I should try and convey it in an art piece or something. Or draw it. It was the worst feeling imaginable. I often wondered afterwards if I made the right decision, because isn't that closeness enough? I mean, it was amazing to have. But I want it all with a partner - I want connections on all levels. And I hope to have it someday. I've made mistakes along the way, and perhaps the right combination will never come along, but I'll wait for it this time.

Life, the universe, and divorce

While I think the life I've worked towards is what it is, for better and for worse, it's still hard sometimes to get the question: why did you get divorced? Did you do everything you could do?

I mean, for this particular person I couldn't just say shut the hell up, in part because there was a need to figure out his own marriage and he just needed someone to listen (shit, what is it with me and front door guys?). He's a good guy, and pretty blunt, and not after me at all - this I know for sure - as opposed to other door guy. And the other other door guy who I've stopped speaking to who wouldn't stop making suggestive comments despite me telling him not to.

In any event.

Time goes by, and while I don't like being alone, I like it more than being married to my ex. I guess that says it all. But to try and explain my years of trying to make it work, our inability to come to common ground, the feeling of being alone when with him, my giving up of myself, my struggle with depression and apparently bipolar disorder and the impacts of those on a relationship.... well, it's just hard to do. I spend time with my ex and it's easier, but still not easy.

I do know I had my part in it all not working. My impatience, know it all attitude, etc. didn't help. But I did the best I could at the time. And I like him more and more that I spend time with him, but can't imagine being married to him. I guess that says something too.

No longer our home

Found out yesterday that my ex might be throwing a going away party for a mutual friend B who's moving to CO in a couple weeks (it's the guy who did my plumbing). My first instinct is to not go (yes, I know I'm going to be invited). I can barely be there when it's only me and him. The idea of being in that house which is now HIS home and not being a co-host freaks me out. I can't see me having a good time. But then, I wonder if I'm supposed to suck it up and go for the good of the whole, whatever that might be. I know my friend B wouldn't care one way or another if I went (I think). So, thus I struggle with listening to what I feel (NO) to what my brain says (WAIT A MINUTE). I know there'd be fallout to deal with after the party (meaning a meltdown on my part), but maybe I need to just change my attitude and say, well there doesn't HAVE to be fallout? Sigh. This is why I have a therapist.

What's funny is that friends who told me to not spend time with him, etc. are now defending him. Isn't that the way life goes? One friend told me to be nice to him when I bitched to her about him not letting me see his parents. Another says oh it's nice he's reaching out to you and wants to be your friend when he calls me a couple times last weekend. All of which is true, but dammit, can't it be black and white?

Essence

I was imagining a conversation in my head the other day (what I seem to do to work things out), and I figured out the sort of 10 words or less answer to what are the essentials I need in a man.

Comfortable with emotions (his and partner's) and bodies (his and partner's).

Comfortable is a loaded word and I could go on and explain more, but I like the 11 word answer for now.

Twitter Tuesday - related to climbing

1)
So, sitting in the booth at Biscuit World one morning of my climbing trip, I see a couple policemen outside their cars in the parking lot. They had the big flashlights out, and one seemed to be selling the good points of this one flashlight. I resume eating, and next time I look out the window one of the policemen is alone, and is hitting himself on the back with the flashlight. So, it's good to know that police brutality in WV means police on self violence.

2)
One weekend I climbed with a woman I hadn't met before. I'm not sure I told this story before but too lazy to look it up. She and her partner (male) of 20+ years have never lived together in the same house, but live in the same city. They each have their own space. And love each other. It was interesting that this example came to me when I was thinking about possible alternative types of relationships I could have in the future.

3)
So climbing over my bed yesterday, with my comforter on one side of the bed hanging over, I don't know where the edge is so I fall off and smack my head on the window sill. I do many dangerous things, but get hurt doing silly things. I have a nice big bump on my head - felt it when I put my helmet on this morning.

4)
I'm off to Joshua Tree for Thanksgiving weekend - staying at my friend's house with 8+ other people. We'll have a massive turkey day, and do some climbing the next couple days. I have a red eye back and will be in the office Tuesday, in body, but likely not in mind.

I love you

The three simple words that everyone longs to hear.
The three simple words that can cause so much complication.
The three simple words that express so much, yet so little.
Easy to say, harder to do.

I recently got an award from CUSS that I put in my blog award bookshelf at the bottom of my sidebar. It says on it 'I love you'. Like all other blog awards, you are supposed to pass it on. The thing is, I really can't. The three simple words for me are not so simple.

I've been calling my mom to make sure that she uses the air conditioner, is drinking and eating. The other day I almost said 'I love you' but choked it back. I have told my mom 'love you' maybe once or twice, but never the full three words, come to think of it. My family never said these three simple words to each other. I never heard my parents say these words to each other.

I used to feel bad about this (and sometimes still do), but really, my family shows their love for each other in many ways. We care about each other. Check in. Help out. It would be nice if we could express the love using these simple words, but we don't. And that's just the way it is.

For those of you who wonder, I have said it/do say it to the men I've loved/do love in my life. Once I figured out this issue, my goal has been to have more open relationships than I experience in my family. I know a consequence of not having more openness in my family is seeking it out in men, and in a different way, in friends. Thankfully I'm a cautious person so for the most part I haven't chosen bad men to be attached to (but oh those mistakes stick around for a long time!).

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it goes. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I really think it's true, but it really sucks when you lose it, to put it very mildly.

I'm sitting here thinking about when I started living this way - opening myself up for the potential for pain. I think it's been a process over time since high school. Growing up in the family I did, I didn't know how to be open and was scared to death of it, but needed it desperately. So, over time I got to know myself, and got to know other people - make connections. I used to cling tightly for fear love would never come again, but it truly is a cycle, though not necessarily with the same person.

There's a movie you should watch - Truly, Madly, Deeply. It's way old at this point, but one of the stars is the guy who plays Snape. But if I remember correctly, it captured love really well...or maybe at least the losing of love (though I just checked the reviews and they sucked). I have had one all encompassing love that didn't work out in the end, and watching this movie was sad at the time.

But feeling is better than being numb or a zombie, and I keep trying to live that way. It's never easy though.

I Can Never Be

The refrain from a song by Johnny Clegg and Savuka has been going through my head for over a week.

I can never be what you want
I can never be what you want me to be
I have sailed this impossible ocean
I have sailed this crazy sea
I can never be what you want
whatever you want me to be

My husband wondered this aloud last week - whether he could ever really be what I want him to be. It is a very good question. One deep down I may know the answer to, but am not ready yet to embrace. Though I should not think that way, since I will be going back next Thursday night. Both of us are anxious about it. He because he's afraid I'll leave again. Me because I'm afraid I won't leave again if it just won't work. Arg! [image of a head circling around on a body] Is it ever really possible to start anew, for real? I'm trying to fish and not cut bait. Or shit and not get off the pot. To wipe the slate clean. But man, it's tough. The past does not disappear. Oh, we'll see. I can't ponder this anymore right now.

All Wise and Powerful Oprah

"Letting go hurts. But staying, once you've decided the relationship is really over, means being buried alive. Face your decision with courage, kindness, and a galloping leap of faith. Joy is waiting."

Being in limbo sucks. I was and am confident in my decision to leave. But it's the limbo that is now driving me nuts. It's seeing if he has the ability to step up to my plate. Keeping in mind that I have to do some stepping to his too. Just waiting to see if the plates are close to each other or can be close to each other. Seeing if a leap of faith towards the relationship is possible. Or whether I live with the leap away.

And here I thought the whole concept of jumping/leaping when describing my leaving was so original! But it's a very common and clear image, not surprisingly.

It's independence day...

50 Ways to Leave your Lover

I remember being a little girl, watching the Miss America pageant, and someone - Bob Barker ? - sang this song as the women paraded by. For some reason it was SO funny that I laughed hysterically with my sister such that my stomach hurt. As well as my face. [it's killin' me, har har]

Think about the song. Must have been written by a man. Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.

That's crap. Very tempting, but crap. Of course, if someone is psychotic and going to come after you with a knife or something if you tell them you are leaving, well, then it's not crap. But otherwise it is.

What doesn't kill you / Listen to your gut

Makes you stronger, right? I thought it would be the end of my world when I walked out the door. My husband is a good man, and I thought all would hate me, no friends in the world. But apparently this is not so. My husband even told his parents, and THEY don't hate me. Amazing. Not that that solves all my issues, but it's a lesson learned. People know more than you think they know, and even if they don't know, some people are non-judgemental and will support an adult's right to make a choice. Sigh. Going back to the concept of you can make tough decisions and still be a good person. Or was that a bad girl? :)

Maybe I need to change my motto on this blog to Listen to your Gut. Well, it's sort of an associated idea to having no regrets. If you listen to yourself, you will do what is right for you, and ultimately have no regrets. Even if later the decision has consequences you didn't expect, negative ones. Hell, Oprah writes it so it must be true! But do I want my stomach to have even MORE control over my life? Whew, it's going to get bloated.

Living in a basement sucks...but for a temporary home, it's a fine thing. Thankfully I have friends who will open their lives to me. The trouble is I'm getting used to the idea of a shorter commute!

Ripping off the band-aid

Hmm... that might not be the best analogy. What I'm trying to convey is the sense of doing something that hurts to hopefully get to something that is better. The thing is, you wouldn't rip off a band-aid unless the flesh underneath had healed. And the flesh underneath right now is a bit ragged, crusty, pus-y (ie, oozing pus, not pussy), and whatever other disgusting metaphor you can think of.

What's up? Well, I left my husband for a couple days. IE, not a vacation, but rather get away, make a point, I'm done with the way it has been and something radical must be done to change it. But I'm fucking scared.

Not going to be a productive day at work.

Meeting Past Lovers on the Street

Small towns are small and big cities are small when it comes to running into past lovers on the street. That's why it's good to end it nicely. But, so happy for him - he's getting married! In fact, has an engagement party this weekend. I wasn't invited, imagine that.