I love you

The three simple words that everyone longs to hear.
The three simple words that can cause so much complication.
The three simple words that express so much, yet so little.
Easy to say, harder to do.

I recently got an award from CUSS that I put in my blog award bookshelf at the bottom of my sidebar. It says on it 'I love you'. Like all other blog awards, you are supposed to pass it on. The thing is, I really can't. The three simple words for me are not so simple.

I've been calling my mom to make sure that she uses the air conditioner, is drinking and eating. The other day I almost said 'I love you' but choked it back. I have told my mom 'love you' maybe once or twice, but never the full three words, come to think of it. My family never said these three simple words to each other. I never heard my parents say these words to each other.

I used to feel bad about this (and sometimes still do), but really, my family shows their love for each other in many ways. We care about each other. Check in. Help out. It would be nice if we could express the love using these simple words, but we don't. And that's just the way it is.

For those of you who wonder, I have said it/do say it to the men I've loved/do love in my life. Once I figured out this issue, my goal has been to have more open relationships than I experience in my family. I know a consequence of not having more openness in my family is seeking it out in men, and in a different way, in friends. Thankfully I'm a cautious person so for the most part I haven't chosen bad men to be attached to (but oh those mistakes stick around for a long time!).

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it goes. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I really think it's true, but it really sucks when you lose it, to put it very mildly.

I'm sitting here thinking about when I started living this way - opening myself up for the potential for pain. I think it's been a process over time since high school. Growing up in the family I did, I didn't know how to be open and was scared to death of it, but needed it desperately. So, over time I got to know myself, and got to know other people - make connections. I used to cling tightly for fear love would never come again, but it truly is a cycle, though not necessarily with the same person.

There's a movie you should watch - Truly, Madly, Deeply. It's way old at this point, but one of the stars is the guy who plays Snape. But if I remember correctly, it captured love really well...or maybe at least the losing of love (though I just checked the reviews and they sucked). I have had one all encompassing love that didn't work out in the end, and watching this movie was sad at the time.

But feeling is better than being numb or a zombie, and I keep trying to live that way. It's never easy though.