Saturday, December 22, 2012

Approaching the holidays

I head out tomorrow (technically 12:15 am on Monday) to go back east to see family and perhaps a few friends. I am glad I am going. Time goes by too quickly.

I had a temp job for 4 days this week. Something way below my abilities, but I kinda like doing that because they are always so impressed.  Good for the ego. And they like me so muck they're bringing me back after the holidays. It's not a high hourly wage, but it's better than minimum wage, and it's money coming in!

I also have an interview coming up in the new year (2nd full week). It's actually something interesting, which is exciting, so I may be able to say how excited I am and really mean it, despite the fact that it is indeed a little below my abilities. But you know what, I maybe think my abilities are greater than they are. Who knows.

I did a show this past week. I prepared snippets from my tapes from Zimbabwe, and put music after then. Also played a few mixed tapes of music from Africa. I must say, a four hour show is so long.  I can handle three...I get tired at 4. I did give my DJ email address once or twice and said if anyone has comments they could write in, and one person said he liked it. So nice!

And of course, the tragedy last Friday. What I think is interesting and kind of good is that one photo of a horribly distraught woman no longer appears on the website. I know for sure it was the sister of the young teacher hailed as a hero - she looked so much like her. I don't have much hope that things will change with respect to such killings, but it's still good to take steps.

On that somber note, I wish you and yours happy holidays. Apologies for being late if you are Jewish. Wish Billy good times, as I'm going to experiment and only give him his two servings a day, and not leave dry food.  Maybe. I'm such a wuss.

Friday, December 14, 2012


So, what would you do if you were lying in a sauna, happily sweating, and you hear a thud and look out the sauna window to see a woman on the floor?

Yes, get up and ask if she's ok. But her head is kinda blocking the door and you only have one arm because the other is keeping the towel in place on your body.

So, you forcibly open the door pushing her body across the floor.

OK, well maybe not. There was enough space to get out.

She was conscious. Very dizzy. I didn't want her to sit up but she did. Asked her some of the right questions: her name, on any medications, had anything to drink / eat this morning, how long were you working out, etc. She only had tea and water for breakfast and worked out for an hour, without drinking anything. DUH. She had been in the disability bathroom and felt like she was going to pass out, and the door was locked, so she got up and opened the door.

An employee from the gym came in and asked what was up. I told her to get water and an ice pack. She picked up the woman's glasses from across the floor, and handed them to her. The woman refused an ambulance and asked her to call her husband. And when the employee was out, the woman said she had to use the bathroom still. So I thought, ok, she has to pee. I helped her to the toilet (no way was she walking without assistance!!!). But no, she had to dump. Oh well. When she got out she couldn't remember what happened.  !

In any event, a quicker overview. The female employee had to be told what to do - like help her walk, sit with her, get her some juice, etc. The manager refused to give it because didn't want to give her food. I went out and said she needed juice or something like gatorade. The manager of the gym said he couldn't go into the women's area to help because it was the women's area. When I get him in there, he puts on his 'first responder' alter ego and does a few simple tests/questions. He also says he can't call an ambulance because she refused it.

Rather than continue a bad overview of what happened because it would take all day and I have to go to the gym, here are some rants and lessons:
- How passive can you get as employees??? Can you not take control??
- If you are a true first responder, you will not be stopped by the simple matter of it being in a women's room.
- As a gym, you do not NOT call an ambulance because the person says he/she doesn't want one. You call it and let the person refuse it directly. If you do not call the ambulance you are taking responsibility for the person.
- If a person has passed out and fallen onto a tile floor, you must assume that there might be a head/neck injury so you should not let the person move.  (glasses flying away were an indicator)
- Most people will automatically refuse an ambulance - even people with arterial bleeding will!

 Let me just say I did not do everything right. I learned a few things by calling my friend who is a volunteer firefighter after the fact to rant. Always room for improvement.

Friday, December 7, 2012

I've wondered

If you go to work out, and you forgot to bring underwear for after you shower, is it better to wear your underwear inside out or go without?

I can't decide. Either way, you're getting stuff on your pants.

Yeah, the things that occupy my mind.

Just heard I did not get yet another job. I think they were concerned that I was overqualified. Which I was but not by too too much.

Yeah well, it sucks. But I'm going to have a good weekend anyway. Maybe I'll even have a date.

I've done a number of radio shows in the past week. Three to be exact, at various times of day.  One was a jazz show, and I know nothing about jazz. And it was fun to learn! And staff members have been listening, and I've gotten a few compliments. So that's nice. No it doesn't pay, and yes, I should also be quilting, but I'll get into it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

You may be right

I might indeed be crazy.

OK, so, here's a list of the items that I cannot find in my home that I should have:
- ladle (used a long time ago to make applesauce)
- metal bowl (used to soak my prescription bottles to get rid of my personal information)
- towel (special one that's my gym towel)
- one flip flop
- pajama bottoms (flannel)

So, the first two I have NO idea where they are. I had two ladles and once I asked my roommate if she knew where they were she said she had taken one to work and would bring it back on the morrow...  But the bowl!!! I had it ... and now don't. And who else is there besides me in this house and the cats?

I will admit that the other items could be misplaced.  But it's an indication of my mental state that I think someone is stealing these things. Sometimes I think it's one of my other personalities. Sometimes I think it's my roommate. Other times... I have no idea.

I bet you were excited to have this amazing post from me.

Job update:
- had an interview today for a position. They wrote to me late Sunday night and said they had scheduled me for 8 am today. Then they also left me outside until 8:00. But it went well.
- tomorrow have an interview for a job that's beneath my abilities. So not excited.
- waiting to hear back from a good interview for a one year temp job that could turn into a regular job. It's a little below my abilities but great people and good experience.

I kinda feel like I shouldn't tell people I have had interviews because it looks bad that I don't have a job yet. But in part it takes organizations forever to figure out who they want to hire!!!  And, yes, as a friend said, well, maybe I need to take a look at how I'm interviewing. Go in excited about the job no matter what. It's easier to say no than be unemployed not by choice.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I just came back from my dinner. I invited myself to it. My original Thanksgiving location was cancelled due to bed bugs.  Poor people. They didn't want to come over here for fear of transferring them. And I appreciated it. And at this Thanksgiving I got a free mini massage!  One person is a masseuse and she always brings her table... so gave most of us a gift. So nice. There are so many things I want to buy when I have a job, and a massage is one of them.

A big realization came for me yesterday. I may actually now be able to date. I'm still contemplating it. But I have been so anti-man because I have never been able to say no, I don't want to go any further, or no, I don't want a long term relationship. What if, just what if, I could enjoy a guy's company and do whatever being really up front that there's no relationship in it. Is that shallow? I am still not sure. But it might be nice. We'll see.

I had so much to write, but now I'm tired and want to go to bed.  Enjoy yourselves!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

No vomit zone

So, I called a friend the other day and happened to get her. The first thing she said was 'what's wrong?'  How sad that that's what came out. I'm not 'woe is me-ing' but rather pointing out that I have vomited all over my friends in the past, and even almost perfect strangers!  And it's time to change.

So, trying to be upbeat. Call people when I'm happy. Start touching base when I don't have to vomit. And trying not to vomit all over people when I do have something that makes me sick.

I think that is all.  Except for the sunset above. Heavenly.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


My new roommate offered to do a Tarot card reading last Friday. It was very very interesting. Not prophetic I don't think, but as I said to her, a basis for thought. Picking out the pieces that made sense to me. And on the flight to go visit M, reading an article about forgiveness. And reading a book started there and finished last night (time of my life by Allison Winn Scotch) which drives home the message of taking responsibility for your own self and listening to yourself.

It actually was a good visit. I was a little apprehensive, a little excited. But we had a good three days together. Hike one day, climbing another. Live music both nights. I got to see his new world and get out of my unemployed one for a few days. He got company and a rope gun, as he said. He paid for the ticket, and I felt a little bad, and likely will give him some money when I get a job. job yet. I have an interview on Thursday for a year long temp job.  We'll see how that goes. But right now I have to meet my friend for climbing!

Thursday, November 8, 2012


Changing the bed, I just realized I had a dream in which I had vision correction surgery (impromptu) and out of my left eye anything I viewed was the mirror image (I noticed in with writing). I was wandering around trying to find someone to help me fix it. It was nice to see well with the other eye though. But of course I started getting anxious about having it and what would happen in the future. But it wasn't too bad.

Hmm... gotta think about an interpretation. But now that I think of it, it's really cool that I could see that way in the dream.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Book with a Face

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend at the Book with a Face.  Free lunch!  Woo hoo!  One of the perks of being unemployed. I'm so lucky.

 This is the center of their 'campus'. apparently the lighter and darker grey spell out Hack.
 This is what employees have to do when they're late for work.
 This is ONE of the eating areas.  I had Moroccan food, and a nice salad and a white chocolate mint dessert thing. My friend later showed me one of the snack areas...lordy. SO MUCH FOOD.
THis is just one of the walls inside. There's lot of graffiti art and all sorts of weird things. It's an interesting culture.

(yes, still no work... had a couple of interviews and no job offers.  one person actually responded to my request for feedback on my interview, so we'll see how that goes. it's frustrating. So I"m going to go see music tonight after doing almost nothing today. time flies when you're unemployed)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Royal Arches

I am now a true climber. I have done a huge climb.

On Saturday my regular climbing friend and I did Royal Arches in Yosemite Valley.  It is 15 pitches.  1,600 feet. We started at 9:00 am and got down to the bottom at 9:00 pm. Below is a view from the field near the campground.  The climb is left of center and you rap down to the right of that black vertical streak (which is usually water).

To the left here is a view of the pendulum traverse from below. The person on the right up there has to hold on to a fixed line with one arm, run across the rock, and grab a rock on the other side and then let go of the rope.  Sounds easy?  Ha. Well, I tried 4 times and couldn't do it on lead. If I could have continued to try, I would have gotten it, I think. But the thing with doing a long climb is you gotta keep moving. So my friend came up, did it, and then belayed me. I still had to do it, which I did. Not prettily at all. I got my fingers on the shelf, but not the good part. So I'm splat against the rock holding on with 2 fingers, my right arm holding the rope, my legs out to the right and my body against the rock. I managed to push with my toes to get to the good hold and then let go. Crazy!  

I ran out of water at hour 8, right before we started rappelling. Luckily I had a bag of candy, which I took some of at almost every rap, and that kept me going. I was shocked when my friend said no to me asking for water. "how long have you been climbing?  you should have rationed it"  I've never ever done such a long climb or run out of water!  But whatever. I sucked it up (so to speak) and didn't ask again.

Below is a photo of two women we had to rescue twice. They were simul-rappelling and missed the bolts, and thus screwed, since when you simul-rap you have to be balanced on the rope, so it's really hard to go anywhere.

Above is sunset from high up
There was an almost full moon and it was so gorgeous to see it rising and illuminating the rocks.

Rap station.

 The view into the valley from a rap station

We went to the hoity toity hotel afterwards to have a drink and food (it was the only place open). Dumped our stuff on the floor. Dirty. Smelly.  But what wonderful water!  And food!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Upper beat

So all these posts I wanted to write after that much pathetic post.  Upper beat.

One thing I did was take advantage of unemployment and go sailing on a Thursday with a friend in the SF Bay. I really wanted to try it to get another perspective of the area. I have flown over it. And yes, been on a ferry. But not in a sailboat. My friend G is a sailor, and his friend R could rent the boat.

 It was a gorgeous gorgeous day. NO clouds/fog, which is so rare. It started off with NO wind and it was hot. Then G and I sat at a table with an umbrella to wait for the other two and literally BOOM there was heavy wind. Almost knocked over the table. So, although you maybe can't tell from the photo below, very choppy.

Trouble was, R is a racer, and didn't really take into account that that was my first real time sailing. Let's just say I was hanging on for dear life most of the time, trying to appreciate it, and trying not to let them know how much I was looking forward to it being over. We went back into the Sausilito Bay and normally it's calm so they kept the sail up and I let my guard down, and so did G. So when the next big gust came, the side of the boat was in the water, and G almost was too. I had a look on my face so G called me over to sit by him. And another gust and he almost went on top of me. I just looked at him with a petrified please take the sail down. They did but it was really difficult because it was so windy.

So, I won't be going on a 26 ft. boat in the Bay any time soon/ever again. Luckily it was warm, because normally it's 40-50 degrees or so. Yeah. No.

Other news is that the cats are not getting along. Billy is getting the most visible scars, as you can see below. But I think that he dominates over the other cat, which is good. But the other one will not stop testing the boundary, so it will likely always be a problem. So, we'll keep them mostly separated.

And finally, I have had a couple of good interviews, which is great. After my last round, I won't get excited until I have the offer in hand. One I like much more than the other, but the one I'm not so excited about is ahead in the process and at a good organization... so I may not really have a choice even if I had a choice which would be a miracle. In any event, wish me luck.


Saturday, October 20, 2012


I thought I was a team player, but reading the definition, I'm almost the antithesis.

I take initiative when I know it's safe.

I'm an independent thinker if I know someone will approve.

Sigh. Filling out a pre-interview screening questionnaire.  Problem solving. Independent thinking. Show examples. Doesn't help that I have no memory!

I'm a misfit and fit for misfits.

I just barely pass as normal, it feels sometimes. Radio station work is good for me, as we are all misfits. M is with his friends right now - 6 of them - that I would love to be my friends but I'm not because I'm a misfit.

Just gotta accept it.

Monday, October 15, 2012


So, was thinking the other day, actually this morning, about some very inappropriate air names I could make up. One particularly bad one was Crystal Nacht.  Can you think of any good/bad ones?

I did a show last week and really enjoyed it. One more to go and then FREE!

Today is week two of no work at all. Started getting a bit anxious today. But tried to let it go. The day just disappeared. All I know is I made a batch of applesauce (a woman had given me a box of apples from her tree) and lunch and went to the store and bought myself a treat (pistacio 'ice cream bar'). And worked out this morning.

I'm hoping I get a temp job. Please.

I haven't investigated yet whether I can get unemployment benefits. I'm kinda scared to, even if I can get them, since I read what poor SillyRabbit has to go through...  I'm giving myself a couple weeks before I do anything 'drastic'.

Won tickets to a show for last night. Noone could go, so I went by myself. A small venue, and got there way too early, which was in the end ok. I saw people come in, saw bands setting up, etc. Happened to manage to sit in the merchandise table in the corner in the back, and so met the label guy and yakked about music. I really need to learn from that experience and don't pretend I'm something I"m not and know more than I do. Duh. I really didn't like either band I saw, but hey, it was sort of free. I made the mistake of asking the guy if he wanted a drink, when what I really wanted to ask him was if he wanted me to get him some water since I was getting some for  myself. Duh. At least he only wanted a ginger ale. And he gave me a free CD.

On Saturday night I went with my roommate to a poetry reading (LitCrawl in SF).Someone I know is a poet and he was on stage. First time seeing him - amazing what a different personality!! That's kinda like my brother, who did some acting and he was a completely different person on stage (duh).

So, lotsa duh moments. And there's more hours in the week for even more.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Do you believe in dog?

I don't know why the guy raised his dog up above the crowd. He was facing the wrong direction! But maybe it was for others to worship him. (Robin Hood was there!)

Hardly Strictly Bluegrass this year. Gorgeous weather = TONS of people. I could only take it one day. Today I didn't do much at all. Partly because on the way home yesterday I stopped at a friends and one drink turned into three and dinner, which was actually great. I should not have driven home, but I did and didn't die, though I did have a slight hangover which I had to get rid of this morning.  It helped to sit for 20 minutes in the sauna and sweat the toxins out. I guess.  It felt good at least.

Part of the dog subject comes from my friend and her son talking about how they were raised atheists.  Which just seems like an odd statement. You are raised to believe in nothing?  Though of course that's not really it. I think its the unwillingness to buy into the descriptions that exist in the world. Some I think are that way - like the friend's son who writes later that it's something but it's in everyone, which, yes I agree.  And a little bit everywhere, like in this sunset.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Controls on hold

I need to start writing down in a calendar when I feel certain ways, so I can keep track.

I will confess that I did a very horribly stupid thing this morning. Thing is, I felt disconnected from it. And so it sends up red flags. Part of the disease, but doesn't make it right.  In any event, I was in a threesome and didn't tell them I had herpes.


No, I was driving to work, and there was construction that was being cleared so it was all backed up. I was doing the right thing, I thought, by merging behind this truck. Thing is, the woman in the Prius didn't think so. She wouldn't let me in. Even came very close to hitting my car, as I was trying to push it in front of her. So, when I got over to the left of the two lanes and it turned out she had to merge in front of me, I didn't let her in - but she was pushing pushing it. The car in front of me end up letting her in, and traffic cleared soon after so she zoomed off.

Oh my, this is embarrassing.

So, I zoomed after her.  Up to 100 miles per hour so I could get in front of her and put on my brakes.  How horribly dangerous is that? So she zoomed off to the right of a pickup and he decided he wanted to zoom off, which then kicked up a bunch of big rocks from his tires. One of which hit my windshield and made a divot. Which I thought was well deserved - my instant karma. But it didn't stop me from continuing to harass her until I exited. I won't go into further details.

And then when I touched the divot to see how bad it was, I cut my finger. And again, I felt good because a little more instant karma. I was hoping I wouldn't get really what I deserved, which was my headache from Monday that lasted for three days and finally went away.

And then when I got home today, I felt disconnected again, and yelled quite forcefully at the other cat when he tried to get out the door.

Thing is, I had my psychiatrist check up today. But they decided today to have someone sit in to view, and I was uncomfortable. And it seems I can put on a good show these days. Pft. What difference does it make if I fool my psychiatrist, when it only hurts me in the end?

Arg.  Danger danger danger.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Alternate universes in my backyard

So, on this what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, I will share with you some interesting knowledge I acquired last night. 

A guy I climb with (NOT the one I go to Tuolumne with) I've known for a while now. He's very direct, frank, open, non-judgemental... He asks very personal questions but you don't mind answering because it's not like he'll laugh in your face or go tell someone.

I was going to say I don't remember how I got on the topic, but now I do. M and I went to his house right before M moved.  I forget why we went, but M and he bonded over his workshop and I finally met the missus. Oh, and he sent me some email afterwards about how he was staring at my boobs.


So, next time I saw him I asked him what that was about, and supposedly at some point early on I made some comment to him in jest about why he wasn't commenting on my boobs. Whatever. I made sure to tell him I was not interested in a relationship with him. Or even a quickie. Throughout the course of the evening he let it slip that he and his wife are swingers. So I made it clear that I was not interested in a quickie with his wife either, or both of them together.

But last night I learned a lot about the life. SO ODD. And it's real.
- She had a boyfriend for 6 years. When they were married.
- His wife told him to invite her friend over when she was away. Not to play cards.
- They are going on a cruise together with 1,000 other people. Who swing.
- He and his wife had a third one weekend, and the woman's husband dropped her off at the hotel to spend the night.And they had them over for dinner the next weekend. Only to eat.

And this one I don't agree with him about. I asked him about diseases, and aren't you afraid. He said it's almost impossible odds that you would get AIDS (well, he said you won't... because people get tested). And the only other two to worry about are herpes and hpv. He got herpes several years ago, and used to tell people before doing anything with them. But then realized that noone really gets tested, and some doctors won't even test. So now he doesn't even tell. Since 40% of the population has it and doesn't even know it anyway.  Dont' know that I agree with that, at all. Nope. But, it's not my life.

And just fyi, he said if some person says that his/her spouse have an agreement that they can have sex with others, the only way you really know it's real is if you can ask the spouse that question. Not a surprise I guess. Don't trust the sex addicts! 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Sort of interesting situation

So, interesting situation. I have become friends with someone I worked with back east - she and her husband moved to a place 1/2 hour away a little over a year ago. I have gone out several times with them in the last year.And she and I have done things together. She has two sons, and they both have had issues. One had to move back home, and loves strange music. So, he was very interested to hear I was a DJ. Last time I was at their house, he gave me about 15 CD's, one by one, explaining what kind of music and giving the background of the band and a review. So, I'm trying to get him to be a DJ, and also giving feedback on the music. Turns out he's hilarious (and rather ADD). 

My friend is 62 and he must be 30?, so I'm situated in the middle. I am NOT looking to date him, but it would be fun to be his friend. So, can I really do that?  I'm wondering. May make for some awkward situations. I'll likely try, and talk with my friend about it at some point.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

In my head and in my heart

Well, at least what's in my head. Thing is, it's good for me to be retreating into myself. If there's only me, I have to be good to me and listen to me. Trouble is, sometimes I don't even want to be with me. I don't like me. Distractions do help. Or is it reaching out to others that helps? Making some sort of connection?  Expect very little from myself and I'll achieve it. Fast moving water doesn't run deep.

Somehow late last week, we someone decided that we wouldn't talk every day. I can't figure out if he decided or I did. I know it's not happening. I'm kinda ok and I"m kinda not. I think he's getting settled and needs me less. Perhaps also he thinks I"m doing fine and doesn't need to touch base with me every day. Or just tired of it. Pft. I'm tired of me. I pulled out my wedding album because I can use a scanner at work (after hours) and I promised my ex a long time ago that I'd make him a copy of it. That was before the breakdown, so not sure if he still wants it, but at least I will fulfill my promise.And I'm so disconnected from it, but not. I was tough to live with them. Seems I'm tough to live with now. 

And here, earlier, is where I went down bad roads. It's good I have two quilts I owe people since that keeps me going - gives me a purpose - keeps me alive. Yeah... great wonderful thoughts. At least they are passing thoughts and I'm not wallowing. A good thing. But I am tired.

But, I have read a great book (The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss - fantasy) and a not so great book (Kook - Peter Heller -  about surfing) and a good book, a poetic one, but I just couldn't deal with it (Edgar Sawtelle). And I'll keep reading...

Thursday, September 13, 2012


I'll start off with success.  Shot down two guys who expressed interest in me. One was actually a guy who applied to be my roommate. Though he eventually took away his application, he kept offering to fix my bike, so what the hell, why not (after much back and forth of, I want to pay you, you don't have to, I don't know when I'll be around, how about next week...).  It was obvious when he was here that he wanted to get together again. Nice guy, so sure, as long as I send him an email saying I don't want to date ANYbody.  He's odd. Very aloof in person. Doesn't like bluntness (I said, well, nice knowing  you) - though it was strange for my landlord to come right out and ask, so why are you moving.  Huh?

And the other was a very nice Italian who I worked with. He was more complicated because I had gotten very close - friend - and I had to repeatedly say no. Not always so good at it, like went to a date-like movie, but stuck to my guns-ish over time. Nice guy, and was very open with his thoughts/feelings, and gentle when I would cross a line (be rude-ish). But nope!  (Truth be told, that one was aided by I wasn't too physically attracted...but don't tell him that).

I never know when I should take an anti-anxiety med or if I should just 'get over' what's going on in my head. Is this part of the struggle of having bipolar II?  What does it mean to struggle?  Though I must say, I'm tired of even these minor mood swings. Arg.  But considering how bad it could be, I'll live with it. Or need to at least learn to live with it and not expose others to it too much. I think about the times I exude energy and reach out to others even on a casual basis - people want that, they are attracted to it. I just am not that, at least not enough.  And that's where I need to learn to live with what I am. 

OK, gotta go exercise and work.  Time is running out - I think two more weeks. Gotta get another temp job, though a real job would be much better.  Have to keep connecting. Keep looking. Be aggressive in a nice way. Learn from people who do.

Sunday, September 9, 2012


Grave last night/this morning.  It is so good to be back. And I only have three more to go - woo hoo!  but boy will I need them. Made much mistakes. And damn I'm tired. But it's nice to reach out and do something I like. Can only worry about life the universe and everything for so long.

Last week at work I was sitting at my desk when hop plop a grasshopper landed on my desk. Jumped up and squealed. This, mind you, is a cubicle in an open concept office. So everyone was very startled and concerned. Until I explained and pointed. And then they laughed and walked off, and it jumped again, and I squealed again. I hate jumping things.  So I was on edge, especially after moving my two bags and emptying them out outside to get rid of the cricket and not finding it. But I calmed down.

Next shot in the movie: woman steps out of shower to get her towel and there sitting in a perfect view is a criket. SQUEAL!

Last weekend was the culmination of me not wanting to be open to anyone or anything. Not sure why I went to visit a friend.  But today I am better.  Helps that today was sunny in SF - sat down by the boats with a friend and had brunch.

Yawn... bed is calling me.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and me.  [so, does that mean I'm neither?]

Organizing house. Cats still not hanging out happily. Last month of temp job. Thankfully still single (talking to M every day helps that...)

Friday, August 24, 2012

Fresno Dome

 It kinda looked like a man on the mountain. A skeleton of what he once was.

A socially acceptable form of graffiti?  Charcoal from a fire.

Lichen on the trees.

A weekend finally of climbing. And getting away. Saturday was rainy ish so we just went to a small crag by the side of the road and did sport climbs. But they were slab. So the 5.8 that I did was way scary. You have to trust your feet.  Crazy.  Sunday we did a trad climb on Fresno Dome. You start at the bottom and end at the top (that sounds so silly, but there's a difference! - you don't have to walk down, you are just right there.)

It was so quiet too. The campground only had two other groups there, and we were near a meadow and a brook, and the only sound I really heard was the buzzing of the bees and the little babble of the water.

Much needed.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Missing U

ha.. Wish I could think of a word that is missing a u.  Qick?

In any event, feeling a little melancholic. I miss M, despite the many good reasons we should not be together. He's down in southern CA, making his own changes.  We do talk quite a bit.  I hate that whole transition thing where you slowly get further apart.  (For us who try to stay friend with or at least connected to ex's).  I had a dream with him in it last night, and I will not share the details. And won't with him either.

Sigh.  When I'm PMS-ing, I think about all the things I am not, which I wish I could be, in part to continue to be with him.  But that's not the way life works. I am who I am, and I do change over time, but only so much.  It's more than I ever thought, but again, there's only so much. I do wish I were more energetic and outwardly positive. I see how people react to it - of course people want to be around that!  I just feel awkward and introverted and brain-dull.

But to stop that, I'm going to go read other blogs.  Part of the reason I"m not writing so much is to not wallow in these negative thoughts. Even the times I've written here, I've avoided being negative. Perhaps that's a good thing.  Choices.

And, as ever, we'll see where my life goes.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

The day before my birthday

- I was supposed to have friends come and camp, and we'd hang out. Then they bailed.
- I was supposed to have climbing friends come and camp, and we'd climb. Then they bailed.
- I asked a climbing listserv if anyone wanted to share the site. One said yes, then at 5:30 Friday he bailed.
- I left Saturday AM around 10, and after stopping in Oakdale went straight to the campground to be sure I got the site since someone wasn't there the night before.  Lots of clouds in the sky, but the lake was sunny which was good because wanted to go there.
- got to the campground, they had given my site away. They found one for me.
- Went to the lake, as soon as I put my chair down, the sun went behind the clouds
- decided I'd buy myself dinner at the campground grill, got there and they had closed 15 minutes earlier.
- went to the campsite to eat some food I had, someone was in the site - they had been given it
- drove out of the campground and found a ranger there. asked what I should do, and they had a spot for me. except it was 10 feet away from the bathrooms (ok, 20 feet).
- decided to leave since it was cloudy and I couldn't see the stars anyway and I wasn't feeling well.
- stopped just outside the meadow to take a nap and try and get rid of the looming migraine
- after nap drove and stopped to see the sun set. threw up.
- drove a little more and was reallllly tired so stopped at the mariposa grove and slept for 2 hours.
- woke up and there were stars!  and saw 3 shooting stars.
-started driving out, left the park, and had to stop and throw up, and slept some more.
- drove home and arrived at 3am
Tuolumne Valley with clouds
And then the day of my birthday I woke up late (well, 8:30) and my excitement for the day was going out and having a milkshake. It's best for me to do that alone, as I don't start once I stop. Likely very disgusting to anyone around me. But it's kinda like hot chocolate. It has to be a certain temperature because after that it's no good.
And I finally got some cards today - August 16th.  They were mailed August 6th.

But let me just say, even though it sounds pitiful and kind of was, the whole thing was kinda funny too...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Instant and Pretty Quick Karma

Have had multiple experiences of quick karma.

One day I went to the store where M bought his favorite sausages.  I took a picture on my cell to send to him. It wasn't my intent (or at least 100%) to be mean, rather a taste of home, per se. Well, karma didn't think so.  So in the store the container of watermelon I was carrying spilled onto my shirt. Something else happened before getting into the car. And when I parked my car in the parking spot I can now use because M is gone, I scraped the side against the wall.

Then more recently one morning I was joking with one of the guys at work. He held the door open for me, and I then walked really really slowly.  And then, that very afternoon, I held the door for another guy, and he walked really really slowly. 


Saturday, August 11, 2012


So, my roommate moved in with her cat. And while the roommate is great/will be great, I fear the cat.  He's currently in isolation,which he should be. But Billy, rather than being territorial, is scared/hiding.  And the new cat is not as well behaved as Billy. I've been told that I can reprimand him, but I have high standards, and I don't want the new roommate to hate me. And Billy is so sensitive he'll feel like I'm reprimanding him. And tomorrow is my birthday and I feel I shouldn't go away for the night not only for Billy but for me to organize my stuff and look at jobs and so on. Working full time takes a lot of time! silly me...

I was hoping that writing would calm me down. I guess it has, but I am still anxious about everything.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Start over

So, was talking with someone last night and he had the idea that since he didn't know much about me, that I could create a new me - whatever I wanted. Now, I wouldn't do a huge lie or anything, but what I can do is choose who I define myself as. So rather than oppressed, I learned a lot about myself. And things like that.  I'll try it out. It helps me to get rid of horrible thought patterns.

I've been meaning to note that I had a conversation with a guy who was returning my cooler (long story).  I mentioned that M had moved out (not sure why I did since I didn't know the guy really) and that we still got along.  He remarked that it seemed to him that if you can get along with someone after you break up, then couldn't you have made it work?  Wow.  I honestly have not ever heard that perspective. Not saying it's bad... just not for me.  What do you think?

Fresh pasta sauce

Easy and really good.




Friday, August 3, 2012


- A day after I boasted on Facebook that Billy never goes on counters, I left a container full of chicken pieces on the counter overnight.  It was empty in the morning.  I wondered why he didn't meow in the morning when he greeted me.
- Don't get to go climbing tomorrow, but it's kinda ok, since I'm tired.
- Worked 37 hours this week at my temp job. I'm RICH
- Currently listening to A Brief History of Everything - Bill Bryson.  His long books are great to listen to in the car.  He reads well, and it's interesting. Much better than pop I hear every hour.
- A guy at work grew corn. He offered some to me. So, yesterday I took one right off the stalk and cooked it and ate it. I likely didn't need to cook it and I maybe cooked it too long. But it was a great experience anyway.

Sorry, tired. Going to bed now.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Don't let that glad expression...

I need to talk with someone and don't want to call anyone. So, I'll write here. I guess I'll really need to talk to a live person.  Thing is, I want to help others because it keeps the focus away from me. But people who had issues are doing better - M found some people he can become friends with.  G is not depressed, though will have to make some big decisions soon.

Me, well... spiral thinking.  Starting to want to cry more.  I have to get out of this.  Been pushing shit away.  I just need to keep on. I guess pretending to be ok will help me be ok?  Perhaps.  Or maybe I just need to stop giving myself a break and just keep moving on.  Keep on keeping on.

- I'm embarrassed because I realize now how much people could hear in this house when I was sobbing hysterically or the rare time M and I raised our voices (or I did since he did not believe in it).
- I"m starting to try and think about how lucky I am to have been here even if it's only going to be 2 years + some change. If I don't find a roommate next month, well, I'll have to give notice. And I have a cat and it's so competitive to find housing, and I may need to live very far away which will make it difficult to get a job, or even temp work. Luckily I have family and friends who have offered a place to stay, but they are not here. I'll have to give up on this place.
- It's amazing how much spam is on Craigslist.
- I have a hard time getting out of my head the things that I am not that I was made aware of by M.  And accept who I am and be happy with it. They push in though.  He's going to buy a boat and name it Truth. And yes, it's the truth as he sees it, but it's so hard to hear it and not be affected by it and accept the gift of his perspective. I feel like I'm autistic (high functioning of course).
- A man who came to check out the apartment and came as far as putting in an application backed out. We had spent a bit of time talking of course, to make sure we could live together. Then when he backed out, he wrote a text referencing one thing (saw a woman with a feather - I had said I pick up feathers for Billy) which was nice but I was worried. Then he offered to fix my bike and I sent him a terse note back (thank you but I'd feel I"d have to pay you), and he explained that he was just trying to be nice. And then I felt bad. I mentioned the text thing to M, and he was kind of saying well so what if he wants to date  you, and that pissed me off because he doesn't care if I immediately date. I'm sure he's expecting it of me.

A possible roommate is coming this morning. She's like a feral cat - scared, skittish... My age-ish, hasn't lived with someone in a long time, like me. I can't pressure her, and don't want to.  I wonder how much mess/dirt/smell I don't notice, which is why I'm not getting a roommate. At least one person was nice enough to tell me he thought the spare room was like a living room (and also that I was too good looking so his wife wouldn't like it (he is a pilot and just needs a crash pad)).

OK, gotta go smell nice, etc. Billy kindly helped this morning by barfing all over the bedroom rug.  Such a good boy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Oops, had a blog post title and it's gone

OK my life.  I don't even know when I wrote last.  M is gone, and has been. I keep trying to get a roommate but can't. Was incredibly stressed out over it all last week, and decided to go away with two climbing friends.  And thankfully I did.
That made me relax.

And also that both of the friends I went with made me laugh and laugh. Both married men with 20+ years with their wives. And both my age.  One doesn't really do stuff with his wife, but they enjoy each other's company.  The other is much more connected with his wife in terms of activities. So which is right for me?  Who knows.  I myself may never know.

I think that's all I can muster tonight. I want to go to bed early and try and get over this sleep deficit. And I've read that stress can make you keep/add weight.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


When the world is getting you down, and people are just too much.....

Walk outside and stop when you see the two Gambril's quail.  Watch them. And as  they cross the parking lot, notice the 5 quail-lets that run across the lot after mom and dad. Stand watching that, and 10 seconds later, another one will come out of the shrub and run to the rest. Amaze at that sight, and another will come out. And just when you think it's over, yet another and [pause] another come out.  Like a clown car.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


That's how I'm spelling the verse of the Beatles song...'nothing's gonna change my world' Across the Universe. Just looked it up, and it's wonderful.

I'm decompressing in order to not get depressed. 

Current state of being: Alone in a 2BR apartment.  So far, no roommate.

The week-ish of moving was rough. Pack his shit up, move south. Me get migraine, he unpacks himself.  Pack up the truck with my shit, and drive north. Me get migraine, he drives himself. Unpack my shit into my new by myself place. Whew.

But I do have a really nice living room. Even he was jealous.  I got a free maroon love seat off Craigslist which I think I mentioned before. M gave me a couch from his living room and it is nice and neutral. He also gave me an entertainment unit. We went to a yard sale before he started driving and I got a migraine...because I read they would have a rug. Got there at the start - 8am - and it was still there. With a sign on it $60 OBO.  So, I looked at it and tried to figure out how much I could offer and get away with. Looked at her - would you take $40?  She looks at me and down at the rug, 'sure...actually, why don't you give me $30?'  !! First time in my life I have had someone tell me I should pay less.  I wish I had had more time to go yard saling there... great place.  This was/is a 9x12 - ish rug with a great persian pattern...

So, now I have to finish up my contract and gather up steam to start the whole process of networking again.

To do that, I'm going to bed now.  Sorry, I've had to cut out most things from my life to get through this time...

Sunday, July 8, 2012

In response to my email saying I did not get the job

My friends/family wrote the following (my text was 'and the beat goes on')

-         No encloshed flush letter. But glad the beat goes on.
-         assholes
-         well, phooey
-         sorry :-(  not much fun I’m sure
-         oh fuc**! Pardon my French, but seriously wtf…
-         Sheesh. I’m sorry. I thought you would get this one.
-         Damn. Getting closer though.
-         Dammit.  So sorry.
-         [wrote nothing because didn’t know what to say]
-         so sorry babe!  You were close!
-         The right job will be yours in time. Hang in there.
-         Carry on.
-         Damn!

Thank you for the update.
[xxx] loss.
That was a dissonant beat wasn't it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


My life:
- have had two guys come see the apartment and both were all gung ho, and then I think when hit with the credit check, etc. they backed out. A woman coming tonight. I had met a woman with whom I could maybe live, but she wants me to move because she needs a pool. I really don't want to. Plus, the more I interact with her, the less I want to live with her.
- had a webinar to present some stuff to my consulting gig, and it went well. still too much work to do, but thank goodness I have G working with me. He's going to get more money than me for sure (I control the money)
- No word yet from the one position I still have on the table. But I just checked with one reference and she was not contacted, so now I am despairing.  There's an excellent article in Rolling STone about homeless former middle class and although I'm far from that, it makes me think.  Bad thoughts.
- still doing my temp job - they haven't kicked me out yet
- moving day is next Wed - packing truck on Tuesday.  my living room will be empty.  I dread it and want it to be done.  Sad.
- I pissed off one nice contact I had when I checked in with him.  Hopefully I smoothed it over.  Sigh.
- Another contact was all gung ho a while back and I checked in, and no word from him.
- the refrigerator died Monday and we don't get another until Thursday.
- I don't know how to deal with my computer/internet - don't know what I'll need. Don't want to think about it. But must.
- gotta go to work.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

If I only had this problem

Baby Blues strikes again!  :-)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Of all the days

Of all the days to forget my bra and underwear!  I had gone to my temp job and worked out there, and did some work before going to my interview.  No underwear.  So, I washed the underwear I had and used blow-dryers to dry them. And used my sweaty sports bra as my bra.  It ended up working out ok.

So this was a second interview for one job. I have no idea how it went. I was supposed to meet with two higher-ups who couldn't show up, and so ended up with two people I had already met with, and another woman they pulled in last minute. So, either they are very disorganized, I am not important, or I'm so important they don't need to meet me. I will say that one person I would be working with walked me out and chatted with me a bit, so that was nice.  Good sign?  Who knows.  I am not assuming anything. I won't know anything until the end of the month.

In the meantime, I have to work on my contract work and get that done.

Went up to Seattle for my nephew's graduation from high school. It was great to get away and just hang out with family and not think. I was very out of it. Someone at a party asked me what I was looking for in terms of work and I couldn't answer because I just didn't want to think about it.  So I didn't.  But had a great time.

Now I must go send references....

I know you are weeping because I haven't been writing much. LIkely I'll have more time when M leaves.  :-(

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I love you blog

I love you blog for being there when I need you. I can talk to you, and you listen. And you mirror shit back to me in such a way that I can think, and not be overwhelmed by getting too much information at once. I can sit and cry and not worry about how I look. And I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of you or taking up too much of your time.  I can be weak and imperfect and you know I'll come around to being less so. Perhaps you aren't as challenging as I might need, because you bring up all the justifications for why I might feel or do something. But nothing is perfect, and neither is a human being.

I really do. I use to write diaries, but I type faster than I write, and these days my handwriting sucks since I never do it. That's the case with a lot of people I think.  My nephew for example... his handwriting looks like a 9 year old's in my opinion, and my guess is that he just hasn't had too much occasion to use it.

I'm scared of being in a working environment full time. I think of how I was, now 3-4 years ago, and I was horrible. I think of what M says that I live in my own little bubble, and I see that. It's like I can only handle so much input and I have to filter some out.  I have lag response time. I also do awkward social things, like interrupt the flow of a funny conversation to say what's in my head which is anxiety about how someone else is interacting with me, or to respond to someone who's just looking for information about a climbing area to say that I'd love to go along because I'm going to need new climbing friends. NO, she didn't ask you that. I've become socially awkward, and apparently always have been personally awkward. I have this image of me of being considerate, but I become inconsiderate sometimes and take advantage of people or cancel things the last minute when I should have thought ahead so I wouldn't put people in a bind.

I guess I think I'm ok with all that's going on, but it hits me and I realize, not so much. If I just let some out, I'd feel better, so I'm doing that. What's happening:
- M is leaving the end of this month.
- He gives a lot of attention to Billy and cares about him, and once I get a job I won't be here much and who knows what the new roommate will do.
- The apt is filling up with moving boxes.
- I don't really know how all the stuff I have, even in our storage area is going to fit in this apt.
- I have to write an ad and get a great roommate, because I think I'm staying here.
- I have two leads on jobs that are up in the air, but moving forward.
- I have a contract I'm trying to do, and the person I'm working with is so smart and spending so much time on it, and I'm just managing/coordinating since that's what I do. And do best I guess. But I need to do more content.
- I want to climb this summer in the weekends, but it may all be taken up with moving.

Thing is, as Mel often writes, I have the power to decide how I handle it. I've taken the power a few times in the last 6 months. And it felt good. I just need to do it more. But do that for me, not because someone else says I need it or gets upset if I don't recover quickly or respond in the way he does.

OK, power to the

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

One Second

I spent almost literally one and half hours writing a follow up email to the place I had heard nothing from and sent it Sunday night. When I got a reply Monday morning, I didn't want to read it. But, it turned out that they want me in for a second interview!  So that's great.

And contrast that with the huge overwhelming anxiety attack after work today.  I realized I had really screwed someone over by cancelling on my radio show. So when M picked me up to go somewhere, I started giving him all these directions because I was so anxious. Motoradvicemouth. Which of course is irritating. And then I started worrying that I hadn't been doing enough for my consultancy, and was taking advantage of the guy I'm working with. And then I kept hearing all the things M would say about his interpretation of what I do/who I am. These evil monkeys swirling around my head poking at me. An hour and a half of craziness, but I held it together mostly. I pulled myself back to the land of the living. I want to whine and get attention, but I'll just be an adult and get over it myself.


I'm headed up north for 4 days to spend time with my family and not see my nephew graduate from high school.  I return on Tuesday and he graduates on Wednesday... I needed to get back to make money, and I figured he has enough people there...

Not sure what kind of plant this is. A red mushroom?  It was in Yosemite at the base of a tree.

Friday, June 1, 2012


I heard from one job that they won't know about second interviews until the end of next week. The other I heard nothing from.  Sigh.

Other than that... keeping my head above water.  I'm glad I have drugs because the anxiety overwhelms sometimes, though it's actually quite funny at times in retrospect. 

Case in point. M is an organizer. With a capital ORGANIZER. So, he's packing up his stuff and mine gets out of his nicely organized, labeled tubs. Monday I started freaking out. 'I don't know how to organize!'  And I mean, crying. So he offered to go to Tar-get with me, as there was a sale on tubs.  We were in there for a while - me trying to figure out what size and how many, and him saying over and over, 'these are really nice tubs!'.  So I bought $130 worth, and the man who has tubs coming out his ears bought at least $50 worth, though maybe more. It filled my Matrix, and the living room is now full.  But even though I have tubs, I still need to learn how to distribute stuff...  I'll try!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Job adventure

I realized that I have done a lot to look for a job. Right now things are sort of coming together all at once. And we'll see how it shakes out. But how did I get here?

My temp job:
I signed up with a good agency that knew how to place people well. It was seredipity that it was part time, which I needed so I could still keep looking and finish up my contract.  Also seredipity that it was at a very well respected organization.

Which led to...

When I applied for a job at an institution near it, the administrative person who I guess did the initial review of applications saw the name of my temp assignment and pulled my resume out. She used to work there. She biked over one day, and introduced herself to me to tell me that I'd be contacted for an interview.  (Me: um, great!  Which job? What was it for?  I had applied to so many positions there.) BTW, the interview Monday there went really well, I think. Though, they think I'm overqualified. I responded with - I'm just highly qualified.

One day I went to this institution for a a start up event. I talked with a lot of people, got free t shirts and other swag, and handed out my resume to a couple people. One of them I had a good conversation with and followed up with an email. She passed my resume on to her CEO, who called me out of the blue one day to ask about me participating in their project and do some strategic planning (and these are movers and shakers). I'm scared to really continue with that because I think they'll realize how NOT smart I am (there's too many friggin' brilliant people around here!).

And I did a good job at my last job, and was nice to all the people I met. One of whom really respected me, and is a highly intelligent person and well respected. She connected me with a bigwig who had coffee with me a few weeks ago and who now wants to have lunch, though he had to cancel on tomorrow's lunch.

Another person she connected me to was a group that does a lot of consulting. I chatted with the CEO and the sub-CEO. Mentioned also that they needed help with their site. Sent along some free comments. Heard nothing. Then out of the blue they want me to review their website and make recommendations...for money!

And because of all the sessions I have gone to, when I applied to a job in an anonymous system vat of people applying, I knew to mirror all the keywords in the job description, and so got an interview! Had that one only just yesterday and it was a rousing success.  A six person panel interview, and they are a good, tight group and they seemed to like my jokes. So much so that at the end I asked:  do I get a round of applause? And they clapped!  I think that's so funny...  The same day they wrote asking me for references.

So, working diligently in many different avenues pays off. We'll see if any result in anything... I do hope so!  Though I am wishing for the job I interviewed for on Monday...

Friday, May 18, 2012


An hour nap in the late afternoon works wonders...

I've been thinking a bit since meeting a new climbing friend this past weekend. My friend R has the amazing ability to connect with ten billion people, and it seems half of them are because he has twins and he meets tons of other people with twins. In this case, it was a friend of a person with twins. G is an ex-cop who used to be a 5.11/5.12 climber (of offwidths!) until he got seriously injured in an accident.  He's starting to get back into it, but taking it slowly by starting with us... Really a great guy - doesn't have twins, but has a 13/16/19 year old.

In any event, he and I had to drive back together because R's car died and he had to be towed. As G has no radio, we got to tell each other stories, though, he told most of the stories since as I mentioned I'm just not that good of a storyteller despite having tons of stories to talk about!  He mentioned one guy who he worked with told him the story of his life, or at least a part. It's common, at least there, for men to have 'other wives'. Well, this one made a mistake and got her pregnant. So for 18 years he paid child support - making it home EVERY week (month?) before his wife to get the mail and the child support payment vouchers, made it over to the other wife's place to visit with the kid, etc.  Until the very last payment was due, and he didn't make it home in time. He got home, and his wife was sitting there with the record of payments.  18 years worth.  She just sat there and asked him questions very calmly, and then finally said, well, seems I need to meet him.  She had been through so much with him over 30+ years (40+?) that she saw no reason to make it the end.

And G himself said that his wife said he's a different person since leaving the force; that he's finally going back to the guy she knew when she met him.  And my friend from back east said that his wife for a while was actually almost scared of him, he was so angry at one job he was at.

And so, my thought is, how easy it is for some people to get up and leave and not wait through these bad periods. Is it right? Is it wrong? How does one keep the faith?  Or is one just too scared to leave? Or doesn't have the energy?  Whatever the reason is, as I sit here and watch another relationship go down the drain, it amazes me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

In My Head

The sparring in my head.

- I don't know how to tell a story (verbally at least)
- I have a flat voice
- I'm not good at in-depth  analytic conversations (current events, politics, and the like)
- I'm not that intelligent
- I'm not energetic
- I'm inconsiderate
- I'm needy
- I'm boring
- I'm too cautious
- I live in a bubble
- I'm not bubbly 
- I must work within established norms
- I'm not athletic enough (skiing I go slow and get scared)
- I'm moody
- I'm inconsistent
- I"m a pessimist
- My initial reaction is usually negative

- I'm loyal
- I'm funny
- I'm intelligent
- I'm considerate
- I have led an interesting life
- I take risks
- I am artistic
- I'm athletic

Enough. I have to work.

Monday, May 14, 2012


This would have been a great photo if I had managed to get the butterflies in focus.  Erg to bad cameras. Or bad photographers. There were about 6 sucking something off the rocks. Of course one of the guys I was with said that maybe someone peed there.  Oh well, then I was laying down by pee - I spent at least 20 minutes trying to take as many photos as possible.

Went climbing and had a great day on Saturday.  Beautiful weather.  Two nice guys. Not too crowded. I fell on the first pitch on my friend's brand new rope on only the second piece of gear.  Whoops!  He joked that he almost didn't catch me so he could save his rope. Ha.  ..... Ha.  not.  The new guy was a friend of a friend who is an ex-cop who worked in Oakland. Very much a character, but great. He felt like he was from Brooklyn/Bronx, but he's California born and raised.

Turns out I had a bit of time to spend with him, as my normal climbing partner's car died.  Yosemite has a great towing service/garage.  Responsive and nice. Luckily though my friend had AAA so he towed it out to Modesto.

I had much more to write about, but forget now. I got home late from work/softball, and M's been packing. It just sucks to see boxes piling up. Oh well... next stage in life is coming.  What will it be??

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Finished Run by Ann Patchett.  I liked it. I'm hungry so that's all I'll say. 

I will also note that M's starting to pack. Two boxes of books in the living room.

It sucks. Partly because I want to be sure he packed only his books and I didn't watch him! 

It's going to be hell splitting all our stuff. I think we combined stuff more than my ex and I did! 

OK, I'm hungry. 

I know this post has fulfilled all your needs.

Oh, have an interview May 23.  So that's cool...

Saturday, May 5, 2012


I am less inclined to write here because it looks like crap. And it's way down on my list of things to do to research how to make it look good. [duh, the default is HTML so no automatic formatting]

Wait. Rewind. Good morning! Happy Cinco de Mayo! Si si. I feel like I got drunk last night. I had a radio show yesterday early morning. Slowly working my way through the graves, and since it's coming up on climbing season, and I'm only working part time, I wanted to get some done mid-week. It went really well. Still have stuff to learn of course. I thought for a moment later in the morning that my shift had not been recorded (hence my facebook update - it's as if I didn't exist for 4 hours this morning), but all is well.

Speaking of work, I got a short term 2 month contract to do a specific project. Some money coming in. I didn't turn it over to my highly depressed friend but I'm pulling him into it. I am trying to call him every day until he turns the corner. Of course he has tons of friends and he isn't so depressed he doesn't get out of the house, it's just that he doesn't have money and is one of those that just can't move forward. Of course, there comes a time when I"m feeling like not so great so don't have the energy to call him.  Oh well...  and NO, not a potential boyfriend. Of course I said that about M, but hopefully I've learned my lesson.

I have started telling people.  My sister in law "he's so nice". Yeah well. One climbing friend hints that he needs a climbing partner, but I do still climb with M. Another closer climbing friend just offered to be there if I needed it, which was nice. Trouble is, he kind of brings it up in a nice obtuse way when we're climbing, and I do talk. I so want to not share gory details, because I vomited so much for 9 months. And it's not a simple answer. So much pain but how much was self induced?  Again, I'm trying to learn, be an adult, etc. I've said that it's kinda been like M's finishing school. Not healthy in a relationship for sure. I just see more and more how I'm like my brother who annoys me with his outlook on life and interactions.

Moving on...

Billy's licking his butt right now. 

It's a gorgeous day, an especially gorgeous day, so I'm gonna go as I have a lot to do and M gets back later this afternoon and though I will soon be alone-ish, I have been enjoying my alone time.  As part of that I watched Thor last night.  I do not highly recommend. One would think I would like it for the view of him with no shirt, but honestly, I'm just not that into big, super-cut men.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


OK, let's see what blogger does when I insert a photo. I wonder if I'll get paragraphs, though I guess I can manually insert paragraphs with HTML. Sigh.

Went to Yosemite to hang out. Did not climb, but did a huge hike up to the top of Nevada Falls, shown in the photo. My legs still hurt today, 3 days after. But it was amazing. Though, actually I did do one boulder problem at the top. Thankfully I chose carefully, since there was no rope, but did a short climb up in my hiking shoes. Good for the tourists - and me... (As I was hiking down one guy commented - nice climbing!).

So, I did not have the interview because the day before, they wrote to say that the job was cancelled. Yeah, sucked but not so badly. That same day or somewhere around then I got an email offering me a small consultancy. I wasn't sure whether to take it, but I have. It helps that a friend is working with me, who desperately needs the work for many reasons. And who knows what's happening with my temp job - no interviews yet!

I have a lot to say, but unfortunately I have to go to bed.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I'm not so sure how I like this new Blogger format. Kinda annoying to learn a new system. Ah well, there are worse things in life. HOW DO YOU MAKE PARAGRAPHS?? So, a job seeking friend is going through some really nasty depression. It's so hard to hear it because in the end I know he has to help himself. I try to check in though, but sometimes it makes me depressed to listen to how depressed he is. So, I went out for a run and smelled the roses. Beautiful. I called him initially to potentially pass on to him a 3-month consultancy offer I had received. My reason I gave him started off vague (though part of it is that he really truly needs it more than me), but then I said that I didn't know what my life was going to be like in the next couple months since the guy I moved here with was moving out. And, immediately smacked myself virtually in the head. I really sometimes struggle with what to tell people. I don't want to ignore stuff, but really, there are different stories to be told to different people, and I feel I get them wrong way too often. I told my brother and sister in law about M moving out, and she wrote that he was so nice though... Of course he is. I wouldn't be with him otherwise. Sigh. I really don't know where I'm going to live and I'll need a job to get a place. And I think of handing over a consultancy to someone. Duh. Interview tomorrow for a potentially very boring job. Did I mention this before? If so, excuse the lapse. But keeping on the bright side from hereonin. Last night played softball with the place I'm temping at right now. It was a lot of fun! OK, work.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Cat Empire

Last night seems so long ago. And thankfully my ears have stopped ringing. Went to see Cat Empire at Slim's last night. The last time I saw Cat Empire was about 6 years ago? I was amazed by the complexity of their sound and blending of so many different genres. Well, it seems they have absorbed another element - Senegalese rock. One white singer sounds very black. But it's not just that - it's the groove. This wall of complex upbeat sound - I even took out my earplugs to experience it all. For two hours! There were old favorites, and this new Senegalese-ish stuff. Solos by the brass players, the DJ working the turntable, the keyboardist... I think they have about 9 people in the band? Live is sooo much better than recorded. Again, a wall of amazing sound. What was really funny is that there were two distinct ages there - us older people (I'd say 46 and up) and teens/early 20's. One woman at our little cocktail thing was there with her teenage son. He found out about them on the internet and has been playing their music for months and saw they were coming, so his mom took him. "It's a school night, but so what. He can sleep through math class." How great is that? A link to one song. But it's recorded. I didn't search too hard for live stuff, but I'm sure you could find it. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A morning in a job seeker's life +

I went to my job search group yesterday morning. I was running late, but still had to stop at the post office to drop off tax payments. Got them in though.

As I arrived, a person who is turning into a friend was arriving too. He's been having a hard time pulling out of his hole of 'I'm not getting anywhere.' He went to a doctor and started on anti-depressants and he just looked like crap yesterday, so I felt bad. I am quite honest about my drug-taking experience. Thing is, it's been so long since I started on a drug I forget what it's like. Sometimes you can indeed feel worse in the beginning, which he was/is. He says it might be his mental attitude towards taking drugs... which it might be. He really needs to see a psychiatrist, but, he's worried about the money. Damn insurance issues.

So we arrived to the group, and some guy was helping the speaker set up. For some reason, I gave him shit, because, you know, I never give anyone shit. And we just chatted a bit - I kept asking him questions because I was curious and also because it meant I did not have to network with the others - I thought I had arrived late enough to not network but that was not the case. In any event, during that time I learned he's 40, divorced, moved from Seattle, has kids, started his first company when he was 14, now has a suite of companies (beats me what they are - some of the vague things in this area). I did not learn why he was helping her. He asked me why I was there and I of course said I was looking for a job, and he noted that I must be being choosy, because I have the 'it' factor and should have one by now. Ahem.

I kinda moved away after that, but made sure to give him my card in case he wanted to tell me more about his life because it sounded very interesting. And he was good looking. HA! So the presentation started. I sat next to my friend and patted him on the back occasionally. We listened, and the woman talked about how she was messed up until she got to the root of her problem, which essentially was that her babysitter abused her when she was six. She said it in a more subtle way, but I just did not want to hear it, and so walked out. It made me very angry, but I'm proud of the fact that I let it go and I called a friend I haven't spoken to in a while and we chatted about life in general.

I came back in as it ended, and one guy I had had coffee with was there and he just got a commission to redesign the famous Cliff House. Last time I had spoken with him he was so down about life - he's pretty old and was feeling discriminated against and just frustrated. And now he has this - he got it because he was prepared to jump at an opportunity. He went to have coffee there, and started talking with people at the next table over, chatting and making jokes, and then it just so happened they asked him what he does, and he said what it was, and they asked him for a card, and he had great ones that showed his work, and one thing led to the next. Great for him!!!

Then I had coffee with the depressed friend, and another who was laid off a year ago and who has taken this time to research and write a book on a particular building in San Francisco. It sounds really interesting. But his unemployment is running out, and will soon start feeling the push of needing to make money.

As I had coffee with them, someone called and left me a message. I had given my cv to a woman at a start up event, and they called to see if I could do some part time project management. I was an idiot and didn't call until today, so we'll see if I've blown that.

BUT I did also get a call to come in for an interview - next Wednesday! yay! feels so good.

Monday, April 16, 2012


Humina humina...

Thursday evening I went to see a preview of a movie coming out this summer. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It's definitely not aimed towards the younger set... But it's really well done. Lots of good stories and good acting. Judi Dench is amazing always. The one problem I had with it is that the story is too easily understood. That's a horrible way of saying it. Um, I guess I didn't get lost in the story, get lost with the characters. I could step back and analyze as it went along, and knew certain elements were going to come. So predictable I guess. But, still it was good.

I went with a woman I have gotten to know since meeting at a networking event. She lives a very different life than me, but we get along really well in terms of what we find funny and some of the approaches to life. We passed a friend milestone since she told me about a date she had gone on. Woo hoo!

M has offered to cosign on the place here if I rent here. Thing is, I only have that option really. Who else would trust that setup than a landlord who knows us and him? It would mean I would have to live with someone - not my ideal. But hey, moving out of California is not my ideal either, and living with someone is better than moving away, I think.

Speaking of which, I heard on the radio a guy co-signed on a car loan for a new car with his girlfriend of 2 months. They broke up 3 months later, and now she's not paying the payments. So, he's screwed. The radio personality asked if he had told anyone, and he had told one friend. The friend literally slapped him. I didn't wait until the end and resolution, because the radio guy was going to call the woman up and get her on the air, for on=air drama, which I wasn't interested in.

I just made a 'sauce' with leeks, orange juice, and rosemary. It was interesting! I think I would do it again... Had it with chicken.

I finished my taxes and it pretty much evened out - I owe the Feds, and get money back from California. Whew. I spent $6772 on health insurance alone last year. Yeha!

I just remembered Antiques Roadshow is on - and I'm using M's computer, so I can sit on the couch and type and watch it. Woo hoo!

Sunday, April 15, 2012


I got to see part of the 1968 movie with Steve McQueen - Bullitt. M said that it's famous for the car chase scene. I had to go to bed early but I got to see the scene through the streets of San Francisco. My god... really well done. Shot in part from the back seat of the cars, so it was like riding a roller coaster over the hills. Very cool. It was interesting to watch the scene because there was no dramatic music; in fact, no music at all during the scene. And the two people in the car being chased did not talk at all. So dramatically different than today.

It was funny to recognize some of the locations. I googled where he lived, and Clay/Taylor still has a shop on that corner, though not the same one.

I'll have to watch the whole movie.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


So, I got to fly the plane through the Bay, around Angel Island, over the Golden Gate Bridge. !!! How many years have I known him and I never asked to fly. I finally did, and I did. OK, yeah, well, the very simplified version - tilt wings and turn (so feet and hands). Oh boy was it tiring! And also because there's no flight tracking over the bay, so it's every plane for itself. Two were very close, and one M played combat fighter with for a few seconds (chased it down) after he took the plane completely over which did not do wonders for my stomach.

So, maybe I'll have one more flight with him, and can try some more.

Monday, April 9, 2012


Outside, next to dad's side, in front of a fire. That's the life.

Enjoying what time I have, trying to plan for the future.

Friday, April 6, 2012


Dream that is. I had one last night. For very good reason. I never should have written on Laura's post that I'd be ok with more woe to have 10 more years, dammit!

Nothing new, really. Just now a timeline for splitting, and much sooner than expected. Though maybe it seems sooner because he's the one that brought it up.

So MUCH anxiety. Hence the Scat dream.

And more this morning.

I feel I have the war of the worlds inside, but thankfully not the whore of the worlds.

- I did not do enough
- It's a good thing
- It's a bad thing
- It is what it is
- I can start TODAY by being different and all will be better
- It's an adventure yet again.
- I can deal with this all on my own
- I want to communicate in a very adult way
- I want to kick the nearest cat (oops, sorry billy... ha!)
- It'll be good to be alone
- I need to cry and bemoan
- I need to look on the bright side

Yeah, just stop thinking. But, if I didn't think, I'd stay in old modes. Much more than I do.

Life's a pickle when you look at it...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Funny how it is

When I'm at work, I can't blog. And when I'm home, I spend my time on the computer searching for jobs. I have to take time out! For me... of course.


Asked a guy this morning how he was.
"Wonderful!" he said.
Why, I asked.
"Because I have a job. And I woke up today."
A great lesson learned for me. Actually one I know, but don't practice often enough.

In the bathroom at work, I wondered about the potential spoof of Game of Thrones. Something obviously based on toilets.

Then I wondered about whether Peter Dinklage ever gets asked to stand up straight.

---------It must have been the caffeine. I was up late last night applying for a job that was posted yesterday which I HAD to get in to have any chance at all, which is still slim considering that they likely already have a person in mind (I think in this case I'm being realistic vs. pessimistic).

I met a German guy at a Stammtisch a few weeks ago, and sent him some job search stuff, and he never thanked me. That is no way to get someone to help you in the future. But I sent him something more anyway. And he still did not thank me. I have very little desire to have coffee with him. We'll see. And NO, I am not seeking out the next man in my life and NO I don't want that to be the step to finding the man I REALLY want because that's how it works. No no no no.... And besides, he's of Turkish descent, and of all the races in the world, the one I am least likely to date is Indian/Turkish. Nope. Don't ask me why, it just is. In case you care.

I have two more graves scheduled, and slow am slowly ticking away at the 13 required ones. I really do like doing them.

My mom is back at her usual location, as of today. Which is great.

I heard on the radio that a bicyclist hit a pedestrian in SF this week, and the pedestrian died. How horrible! And, they are wondering if he should be charged (he ran a stop sign). I think yes!

Windy has stormy eyes.