Thursday, September 20, 2012

In my head and in my heart

Well, at least what's in my head. Thing is, it's good for me to be retreating into myself. If there's only me, I have to be good to me and listen to me. Trouble is, sometimes I don't even want to be with me. I don't like me. Distractions do help. Or is it reaching out to others that helps? Making some sort of connection?  Expect very little from myself and I'll achieve it. Fast moving water doesn't run deep.

Somehow late last week, we someone decided that we wouldn't talk every day. I can't figure out if he decided or I did. I know it's not happening. I'm kinda ok and I"m kinda not. I think he's getting settled and needs me less. Perhaps also he thinks I"m doing fine and doesn't need to touch base with me every day. Or just tired of it. Pft. I'm tired of me. I pulled out my wedding album because I can use a scanner at work (after hours) and I promised my ex a long time ago that I'd make him a copy of it. That was before the breakdown, so not sure if he still wants it, but at least I will fulfill my promise.And I'm so disconnected from it, but not. I was tough to live with them. Seems I'm tough to live with now. 

And here, earlier, is where I went down bad roads. It's good I have two quilts I owe people since that keeps me going - gives me a purpose - keeps me alive. Yeah... great wonderful thoughts. At least they are passing thoughts and I'm not wallowing. A good thing. But I am tired.

But, I have read a great book (The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss - fantasy) and a not so great book (Kook - Peter Heller -  about surfing) and a good book, a poetic one, but I just couldn't deal with it (Edgar Sawtelle). And I'll keep reading...


laura b. said...

Maybe it is better in the long run to make that break and not be in contact everyday. I'm sure it isn't about anyone being tired of anyone...just progress.
Keep doing the awesome things you do so well...your climbing, your quilting, your DJing, your work, your friendships and probably a lot more things that I have no notion of!

Mel said...

I found this horribly honest and horribly human of you.
Wondering is okay--coming to automatic conclusions like you KNOW the answer......notsomuch. But wondering is pretty human, methinks.

We grieve losses. And we all do that in our own time and in our own way.
Getting busy, getting connected, getting time to ourselves--all a part of re-establishing routines and rituals when we find ourselves out of those 'norms'.
Pretty human of you, I'd say....not comfy, not fun......but horribly human.
*Sending more of those healing thoughts* Who can't use some of those?!