Thursday, September 13, 2012


I'll start off with success.  Shot down two guys who expressed interest in me. One was actually a guy who applied to be my roommate. Though he eventually took away his application, he kept offering to fix my bike, so what the hell, why not (after much back and forth of, I want to pay you, you don't have to, I don't know when I'll be around, how about next week...).  It was obvious when he was here that he wanted to get together again. Nice guy, so sure, as long as I send him an email saying I don't want to date ANYbody.  He's odd. Very aloof in person. Doesn't like bluntness (I said, well, nice knowing  you) - though it was strange for my landlord to come right out and ask, so why are you moving.  Huh?

And the other was a very nice Italian who I worked with. He was more complicated because I had gotten very close - friend - and I had to repeatedly say no. Not always so good at it, like went to a date-like movie, but stuck to my guns-ish over time. Nice guy, and was very open with his thoughts/feelings, and gentle when I would cross a line (be rude-ish). But nope!  (Truth be told, that one was aided by I wasn't too physically attracted...but don't tell him that).

I never know when I should take an anti-anxiety med or if I should just 'get over' what's going on in my head. Is this part of the struggle of having bipolar II?  What does it mean to struggle?  Though I must say, I'm tired of even these minor mood swings. Arg.  But considering how bad it could be, I'll live with it. Or need to at least learn to live with it and not expose others to it too much. I think about the times I exude energy and reach out to others even on a casual basis - people want that, they are attracted to it. I just am not that, at least not enough.  And that's where I need to learn to live with what I am. 

OK, gotta go exercise and work.  Time is running out - I think two more weeks. Gotta get another temp job, though a real job would be much better.  Have to keep connecting. Keep looking. Be aggressive in a nice way. Learn from people who do.


laura b. said...

Good for you for sticking to your guns! It is nice that you are giving yourself a break from relationships.
I can imagine how difficult it must be to decide when to medicate and when to let it go. I wouldn't even know how to gauge something like that.
You really do seem, though, to have a firm grasp on what you need to do for yourself and those around you.

silly rabbit said...

If its not right, then I applaud you for not letting yourself get drawn into a relationship that won't work. Its hard to let people down.

I sometimes get obsessive thoughts that won't go away. Can't relax or sleep right. In fact, I recently went back on my medication. I wish there was some thing like a blood sugar meter that could be used to say when its time or when it isn't to medicate. All I can say is that I struggle with medication issues too and I feel for you.
Exercise... yay! That is one of my favorite medications.
I do admire the way you connect and work at your goals!

Tara said...

I had to do the same thing to a few guys on an online dating site. I'll join that site thinking that this time, for sure, I'm ready to date. Then once I commit to it, or think I will, I change my mind. I guess it'll happen when I'm not looking.