Sunday, October 25, 2015

Supernova personality

There's a woman I met recently. We get along really well - she's from Ohio and recently moved here. And we laugh at the same things. Unfortunately she's a lesbian and I believe I made it clear that I'm not. But it kind of irritates me that now that I have really short hair we could look like a couple.

That's rather silly/stupid, but it's my nonsense lead in. It's overwhelming being with her. She's so out there. Not in a spacey sort of way, but in a way - like she's cut open down the middle of her chest and leaves it all out there. She's also very perceptive. So it combines to make me often not comfortable spending time with her. Well, not really. It's just so tiring. She just busts out everything. And I mean that almost literally. So much energy! Thing is, I don't want her analyzing me. I don't want to hear about her transcendendant group that she's studying with (and had to pay $4,000 to join for a year). I don't want to hear about the article she read about red meat giving you cancer. I just want to enjoy here and now and occasionally have some deep thought instead of living in the deep.

Does that make me shallow?  No, I don't think so. It just makes me tired. It's not what I grew up with. Thing is, I could learn from it if I give it a chance. But really I am not ready. For what?  For someone to see me?  Don't know. Am I putting myself down if I say I don't have the energy to deal with weighty matters?  Because I don't feel like I do. I've mentioned that before I think. Maybe my spirit animal is an ostrich?

I wanted to write here to think it out. But not sure it's getting me anywhere.

We met up to go to open studios in SF. Met some great artists, including Paul Madonna who I love. It was good doing it with someone. Because there's a confidence that comes from being with someone. But I was anxious about meeting up with her, and really just needed to separate after a while. I think I can handle about a half hour or one hour at the most. Thing is, we're really in tune with each other. Meaning like soul connected or something. So maybe that makes it more tiring.

Not sure. But it was interesting to start thinking of myself as an artist talking to other artists.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


Very exciting news.  I put a photo I took into an art show and it sold!  Pretty damn amazing. I had printed it on art paper and mounted it on professional mounting, so it wasn't from Costco or anything (not that that is horrible but I'm trying to be an ar-teest). I didn't put a high price so after covering costs and the commission, I think I made $12?  Whatever. It was good to be sold.  I'm on my way!

It was serendipity that got me to enter the one I did. My boss of all people sat down that morning after I was trying to decide which one to enter and told me about the new Elizabeth Gilbert book: Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.  I told her that I had rejected a photo because one element was out of focus, and she tells me that maybe people would like it that way! I showed her the photo and she said something like I can't believe you are wondering about it - it's a great photo.

So yeah, now I have to continue to move forward.  Gotta do a website! And more!

Anyway, it's really cool to be validated by a stranger who is willing to part with money for what I did. I have supporters who tell me what a good eye I have and all, but I haven't moved forward really. Of course my brother says to direct the buyer to his ebay listing since he has a piece from the same artist (me - I did a canvas print for him of another photo).

Of course there's more to my life, but had to brag.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Relationships in CA

So I briefly mentioned I am trying/tried match and OKCupid. Here's a list of things you may never think about, but seem to be prevalent here, and they kind of bleed into each other, so here's a stream of consciousness.

Open relationships: even if you are with someone, you can be with someone else but you don't have to tell about it. I am not sure how this differs from polyamorous, though I think for that there's a primary and secondary/ies. (Had one guy recently I would have loved to get to know. He's married and I'd see him a couple times in a month. I was tempted, I must admit.)

And then there are the people who are married who are allowed to have sex with others. (I've been hit on for that too.) There are indeed people who truly just want to bang someone else, but some are nice people and I can't see them maintaining a distance. One married guy I know I am so attracted to and he has an OK from his wife, but it's crap that it would only be about sex. He made out with some woman and his wife was VERY upset - I guess she watched Pretty Woman. Besides, I couldn't have it only be about sex. So where does that leave the non-married one?

And then the couples that want a third.... and swingers... and... and....

Now with these open relationships, half of them say they don't want someone with HSV. Which is such bullshit. I really don't think there's a good test for it. And there are people who don't know they have it, including YOU perhaps. So you are rolling the dice, and counting on people to be knowledgeable and honest.

I doubt very much that it's only in CA, but it's very open here for sure!

Oh,and then there's the spam. I fell for one once. So nicely written and cute photo.  First email address they gave me turned out to be a woman. I wrote back and said that there was some problem, and he/it sent a new email address.  I asked if he/it was spam, and he/it replied not spam and asked me to tell him/it more about himself/itself. But with horrible capitalization and punctuation. So I wrote back and said I'm a lonely lonely woman and that my mother needs surgery and could he/it please send me $5,000. To date I have received no reply.

I did get hit on last night by a supposed 23 year old. NFW.

I may become a monk.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Clean-er abstract-er

So, my boss had a conversation with me on Friday. They did some office reorganizing and she was surprised at how much crap there was around the office. She asked if it was my job to clean it up. She said she really didn't know. Part of me thinks that statement is true and part of it thinks it was a set up. Because of course who else should do it?

Why didn't I do it?  Did I not feel empowered to do it? That question irritates me. Empowered to clean and throw stuff away? WTF.

It's a question of priorities. I will do that which is necessary until it's called to my attention that it's not enough. Is that a horrible attitude when it comes to cleanliness? Or is it reality?  It's also not anything you get acknowledged for.

I hate the menial parts of my job. But that's half of my job. So I can't hate it. And I kind of like it too. Don't have to think too much. But is that really good? I was ok with it when I was 100% sure I was doing the art stuff, but I wonder if that's going by the wayside. What's my motivation?  Like I'm an actor in a play, starring me in my life.

Different standards exist but you follow what your boss' is. At least that is the lesson learned. Another lesson: overcoming the nonprofit attitude - you don't need to save, you can always buy more.

Moving forward: don't worry about whether it will be right and not do it. Do it and be wrong. Does that only apply to the upper echelon?

Such a simple issue and far too much thought around it.

Let it go grasshopper.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Feed two small nations

Feed two small nations with one very large milkshake.


Had my birthday milkshake today. It's one of those places that has extra in the stainless container so you really have 1.5 or even close to two in one "serving".  I was going to stop, and then I didn't.  Oh well, my afterburps are quite delicious too.


I've had a few spiritual things happen recently. It seriously crossed my mind to wonder if that meant I was going to die soon.  Actually hopefully not.

I met with this one higher up at my college job, and for some reason at the end remarked that I felt so comfortable in her office. That I wasn't sure if it was her or the furnishings or what. And she shared that she sweeps (I think smudge is the more official term). Uses herbs to sweep out the spirits.She said she had never told anyone before which was quite cool, and thought I must be very sensitive.

OUCH [kidding]

Then I had lunch with a new person in the school. She's from Ohio and is very thoughtful. Very much caught up in a certain way of thinking that sounds cult-ish to me but she swears it's not. In any event, at lunch she started to talk on another plane - something very theoretical and focused (and somewhat cult-ish) and my brain started to hurt and I felt like she was pulling us under into this deep well of thought, so I told her stop and look up at the fog going by overhead. She laughed because just that morning she was writing and something apparently came out of her which said that to go deeper she should look up. And there I was reminding her of that. So yeah, I think that's cool.


Jobs are good. sucks. So does OK Cupid.

Friday, July 24, 2015

What's new pussycat?

Meow meow meow meow.

I miss Billy.

But what else. I came here with something to say but forgot on the way here.

The Greek came on through my area the following weekend and we did a show together. One of the more stressful times in my recent life. Just two entirely different approaches and also two other people hanging out getting in the way. The Greek and his companion stayed at my place overnight and I haven't really interacted with him too much since then. A case of reality I think. I'm very interesting because you think there's so much there and then you realize there isn't. Or it's much more difficult to deal with than you thought it would be.

Not to be down on myself or anything.  Ha.

I don't have his energy, enthusiasm, ability to care about so many things that are outside of my capacity to do anything about. Sure black lives matter, but it's for someone else to do something about. Isn't that horrible? I'm too busy making sure my mind and body stay in balance so I don't blow up. Sigh, that really sounds horrible. Part of it is that I see too many sides and can't spend my energy on one. Part of it is I'm a little too selfish and ostrich-y.

OK, what else?

It's nice to have Nathan around even though he's annoying. He was just walking into my closet, verrry carefullly, and I make a little sound with my feet and he jumps a foot straight into the air and sideways.  Ha Ha! Now he's in a small space in the back corner - hiding away.

I am now working three jobs. It's going ok, but may need to reduce hours on one. It's nice to have the extra money since my rent is going up and up and up, but I need the free time more. Where should I live when I eventually get priced out of this area?  Not sure.  Ideas?

Okey dokey.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Let down

Just back from a week away on vacation with family (sister and nieces) and a stops along the way to spend a day with M, my new radio friend, and my friend B. It's sinking in that I have to go back to reality, dammit. And on top of that I start my 3rd job on Wednesday, so freaking a little about that.

My new radio friend, the Greek as he will hereafter be known, has a lot of good friends. His birthday party included people he's known since the 70's, and then me, the newest good friend. Really great group of people. He is great, in part because he is so fascinated with me. And I mean that actually - I have to consistently check that I'm interested in maintaining contact because of who he is rather than how great he thinks I am.

During and after the visit with M with my family, I was able to see a bunch of the stuff that isn't always in my face. Negative stuff I mean. But somewhat stupid, like obsessing that my nieces weren't using the toaster like he thought it should be used. Though they were reading the directions on the toaster. And just the way he did that is how he interacts with me regularly.  Not great.

And then the Greek (who, btw, is also a hippie and about M's age) supposedly is OK with being friends, but he asks me to stay and share the bed with him - to cuddle. I actually have no doubt that his intentions are actually good - truly to cuddle - but I just don't trust guys and for very good reason. And it's not me to do that. If I'm going to do it, I'll be in a relationship. 

But his suggestion and repeated suggestion made me anxious thinking about all the associated life events associated with men, including how it is so difficult to interact with M when it's so easy with the Greek. And the guy from high school that I was so linked to it felt like his soul was tearing away from mine when I broke up with him (because I was not physically attracted to him). And the one person I had both with in a real relationship.

Wondering when and if I will have another real relationship and realizing how scared I am of that happening.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

All this and some of that

I came out to my family!  Below is the email I sent:

I've been thinking about going public, and figured this was a good time/way.

It seems I inherited some genes from [my mom's mother]. I have Bipolar II.  For more information on it:  I was diagnosed 8-9 years ago and am on lamotrigine and citalopram. Any questions, let me know. Note not copying the nieces/nephew right now though I'll likely tell them sometime. Catherine Zeta Jones and I are buds!

Actually my ulterior motive is based on the following from Wikipedia:

Studies indicate that the following events may also precipitate relapse in BP-II patients:[10]
Stressful life events
******Relatives' criticism*******
Antidepressant use
Disrupted circadian rhythm

[just kidding!!]

Other items observed this month below. I would rather have a motorcycle but one can't always choose.

ALS Awareness Month (United States)[16]
Asian Pacific American Heritage Month[7]
Asthma Awareness Month[17]
Better Sleep Month
Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month
Celiac Awareness Month
Mental Health Awareness Month
Haitian Heritage Month
Hepatitis Awareness Month[18]
Jewish American Heritage Month[7]
Lupus Awareness Month[19]
Motorcycle Awareness Month[20]
National Bike Month
National Guide Dog Month (2008, 2009)
National Mobility Awareness Month
Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month
National Foster Care Month
Scandinavian American Heritage Month
National Skin Cancer Awareness Month

It was kinda easy and my family had nice responses.  So that was good.  I am doing better I think because I'm on a regular dose of the lamotrigine - meaning I don't have to cut a pill in half, which I had been doing with my teeth for inconsistent dosage. Now it's three 100 mg pills. And I don't have to think.

Did I already say I decided that I'm going to stay at my current half?  Things are going pretty well... so that's good.

 I spent last weekend with M. And like clockwork, on day 3 the irritation started. Time to go!  I will say that I was very surprised I was so calm in the middle of the night when a bug crawled on my leg. I kinda knew/thought it was a cockroach, but I just went right back to sleep. Must have been tired! Normally I would freak out. Which I did when I was packing the next morning and it ran out from under a piece of clothing. [scream!]  Not quite dead when M stepped on it.  It moved. [scream!].  I'm such a girl.

Oh, losing my concentration. Night!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

What's this body coming to?

Had a wonderful amazing weekend climbing in Yosemite. Gorgeous weather, not too busy, only two of us... perfect.

And then... headache Monday afternoon through this afternoon. 

I still recall the guy who dated me and who brought me up to 8,000 feet to go for a hike straight out of the car leaving me with the worst migraine I ever had in my life, who said "but you climb mountains!". 

Yeah well, and I have to eat every hour or two when I"m doing it. And I have to drink. And I need to rub my back/neck/shoulders to make sure I don't get a migraine after climbing (even then I'm not quite sure that will help... still have to see). 

And I get a hip injury doing yoga, and foot and knee injury from meditating.

And this is even before I"m officially old (which I think happens in a little over a year when I turn 50).  ACK 50!

I've done so much with this 'weak' body.  I'm happy for it.  I just have limits and at least I know them.

Monday, May 4, 2015

In the Void

I still go over to Melsdream, one of the few blogs I originally followed that is still going strong. I guess writing blogs is out of favor. But one of the more recent posts was about sitting in the void - the space between things that are happening. Relationships ending, etc. I'm trying to do that, and trying to learn lessons.

The guy who I bonded with immediately but to whom I have no physical attraction keeps driving by my area but hasn't been able to stop. He has issues with his parents, exactly like I had with my mom. So I'm trying to support him. I really do enjoy his company and feel at home when I talk to him. It comes in spurts because he has tons of friends, including women friends. But after/during a recent spurt, I felt hurt that he didn't call me back after we were interrupted mid-conversation. I want to be important! I want the deep connection, when *I* want it. But you want it - back off until I want it.


All this relationship nonsense. How can I even think about being in one when I am still working on having a good one with myself? Can someone really walk alongside you and not tread all over you (either through them or me throwing myself under their feet). I suppose.

Still missing Billy.

Trying to do my photography stuff. I actually went and am printing a couple photos on good paper to see what they turn out like. $100 for three prints. That betta' be good!  I am quite excited actually. Thing is though, what for?  Why do I have this yearning to reach out and get my stuff out there? Would I ever make a living off it?  Likely not. Then why? Maybe just to share my vision of the world I suppose. To see the beauty/craziness and let others see it through my eyes. Except the blind people of course. Ha.

And though I gave my notice about leaving my job things are actually going quite well there. I'm half time at two places and it works because I don't have to be completely committed to either. That about sums up my life I think. But two jobs, neither of which I care much about. And one longing to share images for what purpose?  What the hell am I doing?

Typing in a blog.

Monday, March 30, 2015


I think of him now, ragged and lost, staggering across a desert, the path behind him littered with all the shiny little pieces that life has ripped from him.

Khaled Hosseini
And the Mountains Echoed

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death. Reading that, I finally cried.

My regret tonight is not comforting her when we were both pretending to sleep, the night before my father's funeral. Too few words, not enough hugs.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Dreaming of Billy

Taking a mental health day today. My psychiatrist is making me do it - saw him yesterday. It's a good good thing. And apparently helping me come to terms with things. I dreamt of Billy last night. He had just finished eating and was cleaning up, and also laid down and rolled happily. Then later he jumped up on the bed and I was surprised I could feel his weight. I knew in the dream he was a ghost and was so happy to see him.

I did a radio show Wednesday night in honor of him. Remembering.  And then later that evening figured out it was the anniversary of my mom's death. So felt guilty I didn't do anything for her. But honestly I think that was on purpose subconsciously. I didn't want to remember her death day. Her birthday is later this month and would rather remember that. But yes, I should do both.

It's interesting that people seem to be much more comfortable expressing sympathy about the death of my cat versus my mom. It's less scary I suppose. Certainly true of M. I appreciate it all.

So off to see flowers and have lunch with a friend. After exercising. All the shit I really have to do can come tomorrow - so out of my head dammit!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Billy Boy

The angel of death arrived in a white Prius carrying her bag of mercy.

I love that line. I made it up.

Billy Boy is gone. So very sad, but he had a good death. Unfortunately I don't really want to get into it now. Suffice to say he was riddled with cancer and I only found out Sunday and put him down on Monday. He didn't really suffer too too much, and I think he was ready. Or so the ones left behind like to think.

M flew up for it.

The big sigh was the last breath from him. Sitting on my lap like he had done so many times. Really truly I so miss my Billy boy.

Below is a faceplant - he's not dead there. But his last morning of love had petting and combing and grass and treats and scratching and.... a faceplant in my lap.

Thursday, February 26, 2015


So I've been figuring out that in the past whenever I had a personal problem my first instinct would be to go to someone else to talk to/help me out/take responsibility for it. This big realization and change to take control/responsibility has come in the last 6-12 months.  I just realized today that I do the same thing in my work. And it needs to stop now.

And we're off....

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A new day

And after a couple weeks of making changes in my life, it's much better. I am working only full days, and the half day is worked remotely. It's made a huge difference. And actually I like my new boss way better than the old. Maybe because she's a woman?  Not sure. I work better with her, and so far so good. I gave my notice, and was all set to leave end March, and then she says today that she wants me to stay until July.

I just had a really odd day. An ex from long ago via FB asked about my and his physical relationship and what the issues were, since he's having issues with his wife. And the guy I met who I have no physical attraction to but with whom I am instant friends really appreciated my text telling him to go see a counselor. Oh, neither of those sentences explain anything.

And I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

The point is, it's ok to not be physically attracted to someone that you feel very close to. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Blind Spot

So in my review on Friday my boss, whose last day was Friday, talked about blind spots. How you think you might know your strengths and weaknesses, but you might not. I thought I was doing ok, but I wasn't, and it was heartbreaking to me. By all rights, I should have been fired. But I have one last chance, since he's gone and my new manager is starting with a clean slate. But I've been working two separate jobs and apparently it's not working, so I'm going figure out a plan to get out within 3 to 6 months. If I can last that long. But I'm hoping that if I have an end date in mind with the idea that I'll make sure that any transition planning as smooth as possible, all will be ok and I'll be able to focus and leave a good impression.

The thing that's hard here is to really know what the problem is. Is it me and horrible working style? Is it the stress of working two jobs throwing my mood out of kilter?  I think it's interesting that I noted to my sister that I've been feeling a little less stable, and I attributed it to losing weight and so my meds must be off. Didn't think of, duh, two jobs. Maybe the stress of that is throwing me off kilter. 

I should feel demoralized and I do a little, but with the idea that I'm leaving, I have energy I think. And I'll make it happen well.

I was so sad to say goodbye to my old boss. He really for the most part was so great to work with, and so funny and we got along so well. And I'll likely never see him again. That added to my crying jag. He was very sad too, and gave me a hug goodbye. Damn, I'm almost tearing up right now.

I remember very few times when I had full brain capacity. And I work so well when it's there. But like Friday, I couldn't answer a simple question and follow a conversation.  And Wednesday, I had so many thoughts doing bumper car runs that I couldn't focus. How the hell do I work with that?

Gotta find a way.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A hem

Do I have your attention?  Ha Ha.  See, the thing is, my sewing machine broke. I was in way too much of a hurry to get the quilt done for my boss- it was the homestretch - and did stuff I shouldn't have.  So, it's fine, because I met a really nice sewing machine repair guy and also drooled over a new sewing machine (only $900  ...).  Yeah, so, I need to get my machine fixed.

New lessons are on the horizon for my old job. Since my boss is leaving I'm left to be managed by an emotional roller coaster. But a very intelligent one. So, I'm going to think positive and will make it work. I'm scared, but I'm better prepared than I was in the past!  It leaves me very unmotivated to work though... Doesn't help that I'm sick.

And I wanted to say that I am grateful that people are interested in me. I appreciate it. I should not just roll my eyes and I won't anymore.

That is all. I am trying to clear my self so I can end on a relaxing note on this weekend.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Fault in Our Stars

Just finished speed reading The Fault in Our Stars.  How nice. I read it way too fast. But one line:

You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.

reaches me.

Met a guy this weekend. He sat down next to me at a weird sound art thing, and we chatted like we knew each other. He's a DJ somewhere on the west coast (I know but not telling you!). We went out afterwards for a drink and we arranged to meet on Sunday at the same place which was having a special event.

He suckered into me going to three things with him on Sunday (I was strong and didn't go Saturday). Amazing things - Church of St. John Coltrane. Wave Organ. And rhumba.  And I had a nice time, though I could tell he was smitten, which became clear in the discussion around food after rhumba. He started getting into discussions about relationships. And he asked the dreaded question, which I've thankfully only been asked once before, "why aren't you with someone right now?".  Meaning, you are so great so you really should be taken. It was interesting hearing what I said.

I ended up seeing him Monday night too, at a bar after seeing the animation shorts from Sundance Film Festival, which blew my mind btw. If you get a chance, see them!  One made entirely of felt - so amazing. And It's such a beautiful day by Don Hertzfeldt. I can't see the full one, but here's Everything Will Be OK.  Amazing.

So, after the bar we stood outside and he was talking. He's a talker. But really an amazing listener too. Intent. And he said a lot of stuff. And I said I was glad he didn't live in the SF area. And he said he's normally not this pushy but it's a short period of time.

We said our goodbyes of course and I felt a little shell-shocked. And what I realized is how high my walls have been built. I haven't wanted to get hurt, so thinking I'm fine living on my own. I mean, not just with guys, but people in general. I mean, part of doing that is because I'm learning how to be me and take care of me and feel comfortable with me. But really I realized I need to be careful and not go overboard. And kind of have been. But I still need to take it slow.

And what about him? Well, problem is, I'm not physically attracted. I tried that once - had a deep love for someone but I just wasn't physically attracted. It was difficult to end it, but in the end I did meet someone I loved deeply AND was physically attracted to. Unfortunate that he died and I feel I'll never get that again. And my last 4,6,8 years have been filled with these weird experiences.

So, my point is, it might be ok to hurt again. But we'll see.