Just finished speed reading The Fault in Our Stars. How nice. I read it way too fast. But one line:
You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.
Met a guy this weekend. He sat down next to me at a weird sound art thing, and we chatted like we knew each other. He's a DJ somewhere on the west coast (I know but not telling you!). We went out afterwards for a drink and we arranged to meet on Sunday at the same place which was having a special event.
He suckered into me going to three things with him on Sunday (I was strong and didn't go Saturday). Amazing things - Church of St. John Coltrane. Wave Organ. And rhumba. And I had a nice time, though I could tell he was smitten, which became clear in the discussion around food after rhumba. He started getting into discussions about relationships. And he asked the dreaded question, which I've thankfully only been asked once before, "why aren't you with someone right now?". Meaning, you are so great so you really should be taken. It was interesting hearing what I said.
I ended up seeing him Monday night too, at a bar after seeing the animation shorts from Sundance Film Festival, which blew my mind btw. If you get a chance, see them! One made entirely of felt - so amazing. And It's such a beautiful day by Don Hertzfeldt. I can't see the full one, but here's Everything Will Be OK. Amazing.
So, after the bar we stood outside and he was talking. He's a talker. But really an amazing listener too. Intent. And he said a lot of stuff. And I said I was glad he didn't live in the SF area. And he said he's normally not this pushy but it's a short period of time.
We said our goodbyes of course and I felt a little shell-shocked. And what I realized is how high my walls have been built. I haven't wanted to get hurt, so thinking I'm fine living on my own. I mean, not just with guys, but people in general. I mean, part of doing that is because I'm learning how to be me and take care of me and feel comfortable with me. But really I realized I need to be careful and not go overboard. And kind of have been. But I still need to take it slow.
And what about him? Well, problem is, I'm not physically attracted. I tried that once - had a deep love for someone but I just wasn't physically attracted. It was difficult to end it, but in the end I did meet someone I loved deeply AND was physically attracted to. Unfortunate that he died and I feel I'll never get that again. And my last 4,6,8 years have been filled with these weird experiences.
So, my point is, it might be ok to hurt again. But we'll see.