Thursday, April 30, 2009

Documenting Mood Issues

OK, I'm supposed to be tracking my moods and I'm really really bad about writing it down, and right now I need to vent anyways, so here goes.

Tues: kinda all over the place - crying, lack of concentration, etc.
Wed: couldn't think/concentrate for the life of me
Thurs: irritability kicking in, and burst of energy - horrible horrible combination. There was an empty folder for vacation request forms, so I asked yesterday that they make copies. Went in there today, still no forms. Wrote and email saying I needed a form. Get a form on my chair saying they are in a different folder - leave request. I go in there and thank him for the form, and pull out the folder that says vacation request and ask - why is this folder here? Shouldn't it be gotten rid of? He's leaning over and says here are the forms. And I just repeat, shouldn't this folder be gotten rid of? And he doesn't answer, so I walk out.

Sigh. Maybe I need to eat lunch. Maybe that will soothe the inner bitch.

Boring Thursday

Hi, it's Thursday, and I'll be your boring hostess today. I realized my state taxes have to be done today - ack! I'm back to drinking my tension tamer tea - I took a brave bold desperate step yesterday and had some green tea (caffeine) because I could NOT for the life of me concentrate. So far no ill after-affects. But see, it lets me do stuff like have 3 pieces of bread and an avocado for dinner, which really is not enough food for me. So, I will eat well today to ensure I don't get a migraine.

Here's a link to the astronomy picture of the day for your viewing pleasure. Sliver of a moon.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


So, I have decided to not volunteer this weekend. I'm upset, but likening it to backing off of a climb. Thing is, the leader wanted people to guarantee 100% commitment, and I can't do that. I did part of the route this Sunday with 4 others, and only made it through 1.5-2 hours. My hand hurting was the biggest thing, but it also didn't help that we never stopped. These other people did not need to eat, nor really drink. I'm drinking constantly from my watercarrierthingie, and ate a cliff bar, and I think maybe one of them had a sip from their water bottle. That told me a lot. I accept these limitations of myself most of the time, but sometimes it's really frustrating, like now. But it feels like the best thing to do to back out, no matter how much I hate the idea.

So now I have a weekend free, and will help a friend who's moving, and maybe even paint some of my ceilings to start making it look like MY home.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


It's amazing what watching a robin hunt in the grass can do for you.


My name is Pamela, and I have a plastic bag problem. Trouble is, I don't think admitting this problem is a first step to anything but finding better places to store them. (just looked under my desk for something, and now have a huge bag of bags).
So, does chiropracty still work if you don't believe?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Adventures in online dating

So, Friday night I met up with a guy I had exchanged emails with on the free online dating site I signed up with. This whole experience has been interesting - from writing a profile to interacting via email to meeting up in person. I find it very odd, but it has made me feel like I'm actually doing something to meet new people rather than sit on my ass and whine about how few friends I have to do things with. A small something, but something. Though I must say, I don't think it's going to fulfill my desire to find a rock climbing partner. Alas. And at least with this particular service, someone who could serve as a partner period.

Interesting note: About half the guys who have written to me are black. Which is odd, because they can't see my behind in the photo. You already know I have small boobs, given that I always forget my bra and it doesn't matter, but I do apparently have an interesting behind. I have gotten comments from a number of black men when walking around my work. Actually, to continue to toot my own horn today, I'm wearing a new dress (from Goodwill) that makes me look like I have boobs, so I should go for a walk ;-).

Anyway, the guy I met Friday evening is black. Nice guy and all. But boy, I'm not quite sure he's straight. On the continuum of heterosexuality to homosexuality, I think he's somewhere in the middle. Not sure he knows it either. But anyway, it was interesting to meet someone in a bar who I had never met before, and chat for an hour or so. And know that I really don't want to interact with him anymore. And don't have to.

That was the initial problem with this whole thing. See, I like to be considerate. And to me, interacting with someone often means I accept some responsibility for doing that. Even someone who writes a small email to me saying "I like your smile. How are you doing?". And I like to give people chances - finding the good in people. But I can't do that with this online dating thing - I'd get caught up in being nice and feeling like I had to meet someone and spend all my time with people I don't want to be with. So, it's a learning experience to listen to my gut, make quick decisions, be open about what I don't want (Thanks for writing and the compliment, but not interested), and not take myself or the writer too seriously.

One good thing that came out of it is that he thought I looked a lot younger than I am. But does that really count if the guy saying it is 50? Joke.

Yeah, I think I'll go for that walk.

[Note after walking: OK, I tried out that toot my own horn persona, and just can't do it. Yucky. I'll go back to my usual self deprecating self]

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Nature moment - cardinal

I saw this in action in my driveway! Way cool. Learn something new every day.

Cardinal Mating Habits

Cardinals like to “mate feed”. During mate feeding the male cardinal picks up a seed, hops over to the female bird, briefly touches beaks with her before the female takes the food. The ritual of mate feeding continues from the start of courtship till the end of the incubation period. Cardinals remain faithful to their pair for till the end of breeding season.

Ha! rereading this, I realize that I need a cardinal. Feed me!!!

Saturday Hunt - Expression

So, is the expression on her face because she's drinking a Coors Light or because she looks like a member of the gay KKK?

Went to a BBQ yesterday to meet other volunteers for next weekend. Really good people. I'm getting a little less anxious, in part because if I can't make it through day 2, well, then I just can't, and I won't push myself to death.

I had another expression photo, if I had had my camera. I saw a small chainsaw art bear at a yard sale and I loved it - he had such a great expression on his face. But $4 seemed too much for me so I walked away. And it's one of those things that I should have just let myself buy. Oh well. Someday I'll have a chainsaw bear in my yard.

Friday, April 24, 2009

What are the odds?

So, biking home yesterday, I was almost home, waiting at an intersection to turn left with the green arrow, when I hear my name. WTF? I look to my right and there's T, an ex, who lives in NJ. What are the odds that he would be right there at the right time and notice me?

OK, so I knew he was in town, but I was supposed to have lunch with him today. Turns out he was staying in a nearby hotel and was going for a walk since he had been cooped up inside all day. I had had exciting plans of staying home, reading my book and watching Smallville and Grey's Anatomy. But those changed, and we went out to dinner instead, and then bought a bottle of goooood beer and drank it at my place.

It was great to see him. He's getting married in a month (!) to a 28 year old (!). Good for him. He's stressed since he's a new professor at a good institution, but otherwise well. The best part was being able to have good climbing conversation. I remember the days when we were dating, he was just starting out lead climbing, and was verrrry cautious. And now he's a burly climber, and both of us have had hard times finding new partners so we whined to each other. We made plans to go on a long weekend trip in July, and that will be good.

The WORST part about his visit is that he gave me a vision of what my living room should look like, and it involves buying a new TV and mounting it on the wall above the bookshelf, getting rid of my big stereo components and the big crappy thing in the corner and buying a good, small, mp3 system. UGH - damn him. I need that money for other things but it's SOOOO tempting. We'll see...

Anyways, it was a very unexpected evening. What's really pathetic is that we finished dinner around 8:00 and my first thought was that could still make it home to see enough of Smallville. Sigh.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What's she mad about?

Tell me what you think she's mad about...

As for me, I should have saved this for when I'm really angry - I'm only mildly pissed at a large man telling me to walk my bike under a bridge because there's a sign that says I should do that, even though there's plenty of space for people to walk. The day I decide to be 'safe' and not ride against traffic I get this jerk who wants me to obey ALL laws/signs. I wish I had the presence of mind to tell him to get on a damn bike himself.

And then there's the creepy old man at the gym who consistently pisses me off. He leers. No, wait, that's too evil for what he does. He stares. No wait, that's too tame. And when I say creepy old man, I mean white hair, kinda bent over, smells like moth balls, literally, wears almost see through shorts, and beige socks pulled up to his mid calf. My trainer gives me shit that if he were young and good looking I wouldn't mind, but I would. I know when someone is purposely training where I am so he can stare. I mean, yesterday we were doing some arm things with the machine, and the guy goes to the other side to the seat to do pull downs and he's staring right at me. I refused to continue on the same side and moved, and my trainer knew why I was moving. One day I'm going to kick him in the balls - the old guy that is.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Somedays I wish I could do this


Friends can make you smile

Although I am feeling kinda like I don't have a lot of friends to do things with, the ones I do have are great. Just getting two phone calls was really nice - the one where one friend was trying to get me to get an x-ray, and one last night where she was driving and decided to just call and say hi, and also to give me shit for riding my bike with a splint on - a first for this friend to call me out of the blue. Of course, then there are the friends who make sure to let me know that exercise in the morning is correlated with heart attacks - I'm happy to report though that I am still alive this morning.

Yet, I still need to find something to do on a vacation. I was going to go on a climbing trip in May/early June, but I don't feel I can count on that with my finger. As it was, I didn't really have anyone to go with anyway. So, what should I do? Not sure. Would love to go to Barcelona - there's a music festival there that my internet radio station would have a booth at and I could at least know a few people, but it would be very expensive and again, I'd have noone to do other things with. I thought about visiting a colleague friend in Iowa, but not sure about that. I could go sit on a beach I suppose, but that's not really my style.

I don't really mean to sound pathetic, and I don't feel pathetic, at least right now. I'm just trying to figure out this new life of mine.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

what does a profile picture say?

Do you think the guy with a dog collar on holding the chain is a Christian single looking for a long term relationship?

OK, so maybe a little bitchy

Guy at the gym last night, looking at my splint: ouch, did you hurt your finger?
Me: what do you think, I wear this for fun? Of course I hurt my finger.


So, I had to drive my bike somewhere to bike in since I had a dr's appointment early. Driving up this one way main road (3 lanes) saw a bicyclist coming down the sidewalk side but in the road against traffic. I said, what an idiot. Then laughed at myself, since I've done the same thing. Will there be a lesson learned??

Monday, April 20, 2009

when someone dreams of you

Last week I got an email from an old high school acquaintance via facebook. He wanted to know if I was ok. He had had a dream with me in it, and was worried. This was the dream:

Believe it or not you were in a car and you were shot in the abdomen. You were losing a lot of blood and started to arrest on me. I needed to put a breathing tube but couldn't find the equipment because W owned the kit. He finally came over and I was able to put the tube in. I woke up at that point so I don't know if you made it to surgery.

This was before I fell rollerblading, so really everything was indeed ok. But it's so odd to figure so prominently in a dream of someone you sort of knew in high school (we were at opposite ends of a group). I wondered if it meant anything.

Update on the finger: still hurts, but good to have the splint. I'm typing well because I have it off - I need to ice it this morning. A friend called last night to convince me to get it x-rayed. I don't think I will but we commiserated about having your dominant hand/arm messed up. I started a comment to him: You know what the worst this is? And he finished - going to the bathroom. And I just laughed and laughed because it's true. It's so difficult to wipe yourself!!! but don't worry, I get the job done.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Saturday Hunt - Fresh

OK, so I'm less grumpy, so here's the belated hunt.

First, fresh grass clippings. I got my m0wer started. The hint was to put some gas 0on the air filter since the prming pump do9esn't work.

Then the fresh freecyle carpet after cleaning, drying outside. Turns out my carpet cleaner machine is bro0ken, so I had t0o towol it off by hand. I am not sure where I will put this or when, but figured I'd get this do0ne;

Typing with a splint is dfficult! I b0ught the splint at the drugstore.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

major rant - not scavenger hunt


I always thought I should never rollerblade. But then I go and get free rollerblades and protective gear off freecycle, so I figure I'll try it. But I try it alone. And I don't realize there's a slope. And can't stop. So fall. And do not break wrist or elbow or head, but maybe a couple fingers. Yep. FUCK ME! It's really hard to type, but I still need to rant more.

This is on top of my ex not wanting me to see his parents. Stupid jerk. I completely understand it and yada yada yada, but it's just so fucking typical. It would be uncomfortable, so can't let it happen.

And then, I also went to the hardware store and bought paint for my bedroom window sills. Was being environmental and didn't take a bag and had a lot of items. So, I drop the paint in the parking lot and it opens, spilling all. The end of that story is good, since they were nice and replace the quart. This is because it's a down home old school hardware store, not the Home Depot type of place. The kind of place where people know stuff and are helpful and nice.

OK, I have to go ice. dammit dammit dammit all to hell. I have to climb with one arm again.

Friday, April 17, 2009


If a segue hits you, does that mean a car is not far behind?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

My neighbor

I took a 'pretend I'm not taking a shot' shot. She wants me to get rid of that last piece of fence, but it's kinda nice to have it to hang on. Her eyesight is getting so bad, she likely didn't even know I had a camera, but I still wanted it to be in secret.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Seems I have a new type of headache. Sudden onslaught. I started feeling bad at lunchtime, suddenly - it started in my neck but then was all over my head like I was wearing a too tight swimming cap. Made it through a work lunch, got back to my desk and sat there staring at the screen for a few minutes, then had to go home. Only just made it home and threw up (thankfully I didn't pay for lunch, but still, felt bad throwing up $28 worth of food, including beets which was quite colorful). Took 2 aspirin, put ice on the back of my head, covered my eyes, and went to sleep. And woke up 2 hours later sort of ok.

So, it was sort of like a migraine on speed. Or something. Because it went away without migraine meds, so it really is a different one.

I was perfectly fine in the morning, and I had kinda faked being ok at lunch, so when I got back to the office my boss was I think very very surprised to hear me say I gotta go home. At least I was aware enough to do that and not try and stick it out at work.

Headaches suck because they can be from so many things. It's awfully frustrating. When I called a friend before I left work to cancel on climbing she said, well, maybe you should go to the doctor, I said, well, if I knew which one to go to to fix this, I would. I called my psychiatrist since of course headaches is one of the side effects of the 'new' medication I'm taking, but she can't do anything because again, headaches have no instant diagnosis. She suggested going back to the neurologist. I don't want to go to the neurologist because she'll likely want to put me on a daily drug. My trainer this morning suggested it might be my allergy medication. But if I don't take allergy drugs, then I might get a sinus headache. And I work out/train so I won't get migraines, but they are coming back anyway.

Part of me wants to surrender, lay on my back, and say fine. I quit. But, what would I be quitting? Ugh. So, my next plan of attack is to do what I said I should start up and get back into yoga. Sigh... yet another thing in my week, though I do love it. I just have to find a place to go and money to pay for it because I'm no good at keeping routines for myself. It's so odd to have such a strong body and such a weak one at the same time.

Easter and Spanish

So, I spent Easter with people from several Latin American countries: Peru, Argentina, Venezuela, and then there was Puerto Rico. I had to defend myself when one of the Argentinians asked my PR friend if I spoke Spanish and when she replied for me that I spoke a little, the Argentinian said that Americans tend to say that, and that's the only Spanish phrase they can speak. So, of course I had to prove myself. And then I determined I would go back to speaking Spanish with the door guy. I have a goal again. If my friend in Mexico ever replies, maybe I'll go climbing with him in Mexico - Potrero Chico is supposedly a great place and I've never been. And this guy does not speak English really. I met him at a conference jeez at least 10 years ago - we couldn't really speak much but we got along. He showed me Mexico City. 4-5 years later I did a two week course in Oaxaca, and stopped in Mexico City on the way back, and I could finally talk to him and figure out what he does, etc. It was hilarious - we went back to his place to drink and got completely drunk and played soccer in his living room. I had to get up at an ungodly hour to catch a bus to get back to the airport - he had originally intended to bring me back but was too hung over to do it, which was fine. He had made me eat this weird thing (no, not drugs) which supposedly helps reduce hangovers and so I was much better off than him. Anyways, it would be good to see him.

Long rambling post. Maybe I should do some work.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why the glasses today? the door guy asked

Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.

He laughed. And I was halfway down the block when he yelled after me - that's not true you know!


Cat lady

I'm becoming the cliche: smelled dry cat food on the bus. Realized it was my scarf.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Write and wrong

Whose decision is it whether something is right or wrong? Do you listen to your self, your friends, your therapist, your parents, your god?

I sat in the psychiatrist's office, saying that I felt numb or kind of detached from life. I just increased my medication the week before, so maybe it was that. I asked again when I'd get off of Lexapro, one of the medications I'm on and have been since the early days of the depression.

Why are you eager to get off it? She asked. What does it mean to you?

And I just cried.
It means being normal again - having a regular life. It means moving on.

And realized I had spent the last Sunday with my ex. I swore all was well, and it was until I realized I was sobbing because of it. (and the signs at the church driving by that he didn't notice, about how marriage is sacred or somesuch statement, and reading about people finding love in the blogosphere, and giving him a small neckrub in the middle of the climb and not feeling awkward at all because he is just a friend...)

Grief washes over you at times. It can take a long time to heal from a divorce - she said kindly as she sat and looked at me.

I just told her I'd sit in her waiting room and cry. In addition to the $35 missed appointment fee, I didn't want to be charged extra for something beyond medication management. And besides, there was nothing she could do. I just had to cry.

Friends, acquaintances, others, say I should not speak to him. I shouldn't spend time with him. But that's not my decision - that's not what I want to do. It makes me bleed a little, but to me bleeding is better than running away. I'm very sorry to those who 'have to' listen to me, and see I'm in pain, and feel there's nothing they can do. But I make my own decisions, as everyone does, be they right or wrong in whosever's eyes, and I live with them. Not always easily. I do take care of myself by pulling back some, but I won't see it as a weakness to be willing to spend time with him and cry because of it.

And now I go to bed alone.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Saturday Hunt - Alien

Although I need to take a photography lesson it seems, this is my peony growing out front. I think it really looks like an alien being...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Easter


I never showed you at least part of what resulted from Saturday. Here it is. The one with the tarp shows what I already had to do to protect it one day this week.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Facebook status I want to write but shouldn't

So here it is:

Pamela has to mow the jungle tonight. The one in her backyard.


Since I bike to work almost every day, and I like to volunteer, and need to keep myself active and out there rather than just in my house, I responded to a request for bike volunteers for an upcoming two day walkathon.

Thing is, if they just threw me into it I probably would be ok. Maybe. But it's kinda like the Peace Corps.* Huh you say? Well, they give you lots of details and the more I learn about it the more anxious I become (though I'm feeling a little better today after getting my period last night - TMI, but relevant). Seriously two 12 hour days on the bike, and they want you to sleep in a tent city and share a tent with someone you don't know - potentially a snorer or someone who kicks. My body won't be able to take that. And I refuse to pay an ungodly amount for a hotel room. So, I'm trying to figure out what to do - I might try to make the trek home to sleep, and worse comes to worse I do the first day and fall apart and can't do the second. Actually, it might be worse to start the second and fall apart after a few hours. But we'll see.

On a brighter note I asked to borrow a bell from a friend (you're asked to have a bell, and it's not something I've considered necessary since I can scream loudly if needed, and politely say 'on your left', but 2 days of that and I might lose my voice), and yesterday a bell mysteriously appeared on my bike. Which was so sweet. Of course all the way home I was singing in my head "you can ring my bellllll, ring my bell".

And my generalized anxiety transferred to me doing something different this morning. There's a spot in my commute to work that is really really dangerous, because in the morning two lanes go to the right, but during regular hours that right lane can go straight, and there really is no truly safe way for a biker to go through that intersection, but I've been doing and so far not been killed. So, I rode on the sidewalk on the other side of the road this morning, and of course there's construction so I had to go into the road at one point, against traffic. Hmmm... which is more dangerous?

Anywho, that's my biking stories today.

*I applied to the Peace Corp in the 90's. I got an offer to go to St. Kitts and Nevis, and didn't go, in part because they tell you way too much about any possible problem you might encounter. I know why they do it - to show these young idealist volunteers that it won't be as they imagine (Peace Corps has a really huge drop out rate), but for me, I need to NOT know what I'm getting into (to a certain extent). When I went to Zimbabwe - if anyone had told me what I might encounter and go through, I'm not sure I would have gone. But I survived and even did fine and dandy.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I hate missing a doctor's appointment and thus wasting $25.

Artful Bras

Members of Quilters of South Carolina have created one-of-a-kind bras for Breast Cancer Awareness. The exhibit consists of fifty original works of art which are unique, entertaining, humorous, and beautiful to make the public aware of breast cancer, to memorialize those lost to the disease, and to honor survivors.

My favorite is 'support your favorite boob'.

New horizons

Spam: New horizons of saxual intercourse with lubrication. I guess sax's don't have email address so they count on us to spread the word to them. Link to sax lubrication.

Not quite a twitter

My friend has two children - girl/woman (18 - at what point do you call them women??) and boy (15). Again, great kids. One day the boy had just come home from a lacrosse game and gave his sister a hug. All of a sudden she runs down the stairs and says 'that's creepy'. The boy looks confused for a second, then looks down, and yells downstairs 'I have a cup on!'.

Monday, April 6, 2009

First day out

So, went for a day trip yesterday out climbing because it was a wonderful day and because my ex had no other person to climb with (his words). Which was fine. We both are short on partners and though it's not good to do it frequently, we hadn't seen each other in a while and were both desperate to climb, so we went. And actually had a very nice time.

But boy am I sore. All over. The place we went to is a fin sticking out of the landscape, so to get to the base of the climbs you have to do a stair stepper workout, while carrying all your shit. Ouch.

Being mr. burly man that he is, he wanted to do a 5.7. This particular one has a very freaky first pitch, especially the start - a crack too wide for gear and no other place for gear after the first two pieces - that's any good at least. The face has a layer of hollow stuff that you should not put gear in because all it would do if you fell is blow up. I tried doing it, in part because he had never done the second pitch and I had, and was trying to be nice to him. After putting two great pieces in and trying 4 times to get to the first ledge - going further each time like going into a cold ocean, I gave up because even when I could see over the ledge I saw it was still freaky and still no gear. So, I came down, frustrated. But realized, hey, he picked the climb so he gets to do the nasty pitch and I shouldn't feel bad.

He went up and it turned out you needed to climb on that face to get to the ledge. As I was watching him step on this manky stuff, I was just praying he had good handholds because his feet could potentially blow out any minute and it would be a groundfall. (I was worried too because early in the season you're more likely to have rock fall off since it's been through cold and hot several times during the winter.) But he made it, and did the rest of the first pitch. I followed, and was so glad I didn't continue.

And off I went on the second pitch. First climb of the season, first time on real rock, first time trad climbing. Boy, did I go slowly. And it seemed like the first 30 feet especially, I was so scared. But I did one move at a time, one piece at a time. And made it through. Got to the top and there were tons of people there. Once I sat and set up my anchor (after having something to eat because I couldn't concentrate enough to figure out an anchor), just for the effect, I said 'damn, I broke a nail'. People liked that.

So, I brought my ex up. I finally see him and asked if he had fun, and he did. I told him I wasn't sure if I had fun, and again people laughed, but it was true. I was so damn focused it was hard to remember what I did and to relax enough to enjoy. But then I thought about it and remembered some good parts. We eventually got over to a rap station and went down, offering a group of four to use our rope also because we decided we were done for the day.

One thing that's really nice about climbing is hanging out at the top and bottom like that. People are generally friendly, and there can be some oddness. One odd thing was these two guys who sat to eat lunch...but it's so narrow at the top (12 feet wide?) that when people wanted to pass through, one stood up and his crotch was right in front of the other guy's face. I didnt' think they were gay, and wasn't sure how the one sitting down could stand it. Also, the four guys that we lent my ropes to were hilarious. As my ex was over setting up the rappel, they were chatting about how blue jays are in the same family as crows and magpies. And they went off from there about bringing bling back to the nest, and when they aren't flying they drive Oldsmobiles, etc. Hilarious.

In any event, it was a great day overall, but I'm sore and whiny. I also fell asleep on the couch for three hours before going to bed - I hate that when I have my contacts in. But today's a new day...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Saturday Hunt - Easy

It's so easy to lose control in a garden center. It's so easy to buy a whole bunch of plants. Now comes the hard part.

And next year I will plan ahead and do it all from seeds. I swear.

Bonus points if you can name all the herbs/vegetables.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Yewts these days

I was reminded about something when I read a Newsweek or somesuch magazine the other day and there was an essay about Columbine 10 years later. I can't believe it was 10 years ago! When I was in CO we went to the house of a friend of my friend for dinner, and actually drove by Columbine HS. Seemed so normal, yet not.

When skiing one day I was alone for a little while. The slopes were not busy at all, and I ended up skiing up to the lift behind two really young boys. Maybe 7 and 6. The younger/smaller was definitely a younger brother type, and was chattering. Well, the older one didn't wait for the younger one and got on a lift by himself, leaving the younger to wait behind. Amazing. I rode up with the younger one, and he was not upset at all - he just yelled to the kid in the lift ahead to wait for him at the top. I know the older one did it on purpose because I saw his face at the top, and I came very close to cussing him out for not having the decency and manners to wait.

Now, I'm not always so restrained. When I lived at home after graduate school, I went to visit a friend. As I was walking up to his house, I noticed a young crossing guard stepping out into the street and pretending like there was someone who needed to cross, just to stop traffic. I walked by, and then said to myself that I couldn't walk by. I went back to the kid and told him I saw what he'd been doing and if he continued I would call the police. There was a woman standing nearby, and it just so happened to be his mother, so he was in deep shit. Community parenting? Nosy me? Whichever-he stopped doing it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Over the years I have come to realize I am a great implementer. I so wanted in my 20's to be the person that comes up with great ideas (and even into my 30's), but I realized more and more after kicking myself in the behind for not doing it well that what I do best is implement. For every grandiose idea person, there is the person behind the scenes that makes things happen. I started accepting this when I read an article in some newspaper noting the accomplishments of some person behind the scenes of a famous person. And realized that's me. Especially in my last job.

The problem comes when the idea person can't stop with the ideas - has no sense of reality. And then the implementer goes nuts when even reason can't prevail and he/she is expected to implement all ideas equally. And then the implementer becomes known as the 'no' person. Well, that at least was my response in the past job. For many reasons I had lost all respect for my boss and didn't give a shit how I spoke to her. "No" was the least of the negative things I said to her. However, I will never sink to that level again. And I've learned in my current job how to balance.

I was thinking of this as I had dinner with M this past weekend. He's frustrated at his job because he's an idea man, and his boss is saying no. I asked if his ideas meant hiring more people. And they did. So, I tried to provide perspective by talking a little bit about my experience. Not sure it helped at all, since maybe he just wanted me to say 'there there', but it was good for me. :-)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Say it

So, biking home yesterday all of a sudden my pedals wouldn't go forward. I could backpedal, but no forward movement. So had to walk the last 1/3 home. How embarassing to be all geared up and be seen walking up a measly little hill. I could coast down the hills but that's it. Grandma riding a bike.

My mood changed yesterday, and it's moved into today. And not sure if it's a condition or a state of mind. It's very very odd. Things are weird at work, and you know my personal life is always weird, but it's not too too bad now. I ripped up some English Ivy before taking my bike to be fixed, and normally that helps me since I hate English Ivy, but it didn't do too too much for my mood.

Good news was that I was sitting on the couch eating a bad dinner (cheese and cracker and orange juice), and after an hour I took my blood pressure, and it was 119/71, which is damn amazing let me tell you. I've been watching it not so closely since I took myself off bp medication in December. It's sometimes high (130/84) but this is the lowest I've seen it.

Part of my problem is that I'm pressured to be funny since Saturday. Long story, but man, it's hard to be funny all the time. Hard to be funny half the time! Gotta be zen about it. But it makes me not want to post here because I feel I need to be entertaining here too. But that's crap - as is this post (ha... no, just kidding. it is what it is).

Oh, another good thing that happened is that I had a dream and my dad was in it. Of course, in the dream he was just a ghost, so it wasn't like I was interacting with him. He just appeared on a sofa and looked at me, but then disappeared.

OK, so I spewed a little. Gotta find solutions to issues that arise/have arisen.

What's the saying?

If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all?