Thursday, July 29, 2010

Forgotten poetry

I saw that Laura's been keeping up with the poetry challenge. I wish I had kept up and should. I actually started a couple country songs this weekend - really... and so am working on those. Not sure if there's any way to actually propose them to a country singer, but I'd like to try.

Ya know, it kinda sucks that the song I connected with this morning when it was on the radio was Papa Roach's Last Resort. With all the stress I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. It scares M when I even inkle it, so I don't. Which is not good.

I have to pull upon 6+ years of therapy and bring myself back around but I can't always do it immediately. I'm much better than I was this morning, but it's taken me a couple hours. M comes home today and am trying to get better.

What set it off was talking insurance this morning with a professional and finding out that my premium will be double what I'm paying now once my COBRA ends. Not even sure what the level of coverage will be. Sucks to need insurance. And I'm not poor, but I don't want to burn through my money and I'm scared. Sigh. It comes down to that, but I go through a sobbing fit and a couple hours of turtle time to be able to articulate it in writing, never mind words. And I move on and try to find an answer - but that processing time for me is slow. Sigh.

OK, going to wash that crap right out of my hair and move forward with other things. Be an accomplished person today.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A day or two or three

I forgot to mention that M had work related stuff to do in Seattle, so we were in Seattle late Friday night through today (me) and tomorrow (him). It was really nice to get away. Much as we need to do here, we also need to be away from here sometimes. Maybe even especially so since he works at home and I do not work. It makes for an interesting life.

I'm not sure if I've seen this before, but I've certainly never seen so many. I forget what they are called - surf rowers? Now sure. You stand up on a surfboard-y type thing and paddle. Supposed to be good for your core. Looks a little boring usually, but seeing so many and at sunset - it was cool to see people standing on water. Really neat.

The weekend was with my brother and family and M's friends - split between them. Just lots of good food and good times and relaxation and perhaps a little too much sun which is an amazing thing to say for the Seattle area. It's so beautiful in Seattle when it's sunny!

The next two days were mine during the day, and it turns out I had a lot of Good Will in me. Har. Went Monday via public transportation to a Goodwill I had seen online. What it did not say online is that it's an outlet store. What is an outlet store? It's big huge shallow bins with stuff piled inside that you sift through and workers periodically pull out the bins and fill them with more stuff and bring them back in. The vultures hover and descend when allowed. No shoving or fighting though - very orderly.

Scared the hell out of me but I stayed. Um, for 4 hours. Thing is, they always bring new stuff. Half of it is crap because I think it's the rejects from the other Goodwills - so has tears and stains - but you can find some gems! And, get this. YOU PAY BY THE POUND. Never ever heard of that. So I spent $23 on a big pile of stuff that was not crap - REI tech wear, wool and silk sweaters, LL Bean Men's large all weather jacket... etc. A few things I'll try and sell and make my money back and I think I might just be able to! (Like the jacket and a pair of men's Doc Martins).

The next day I spent with my parallel universe friend. Same life - ish, but in a different location. And she likes Goodwills too, so we went to the one by her. Bought 4 things for the same price as the huge pile from the day before. But that's ok - it was nice to have a semi-real store. I did also find something that I think we really could use but now I have to get it to my home:
It's in her storage unit right now. Really gorgeous.

I did find out when I was away that I only have three months of COBRA which scares the shit out of me. So, I research tomorrow what happens.

Oh, and I think I have anxiety issues. Remember I said I was thinking of what I would do here if an earthquake hit? Well, up there I looked at Mt. Ranier and thought about it blowing up like Mt. St. Helens...

And speaking of mountains, my nephew is back east on the Boy Scout Jamboree, and apparently told his parents one day that the next day he was going to go climb Mt. Vernon. Look it up. Kinda hard to do...

Friday, July 23, 2010

A woman needs a woman

I talked with a female friend for almost 1.5 hours last night. I've been missing the connections, and need to keep them up. There's stuff you just gotta discuss with a woman, or even there's ways of talking that can only happen with a woman. All over the place, thoughts that can come out and not sink into concrete, but either be swept away by further discussion, or given some roots which will tendril themselves out if need be. I very much appreciate my female friends... seems there might be a need for one more.

A pondering for you for the weekend.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


This weekend we took advantage of being in the San Francisco area.

First we took advantage of my friend who had already made camping reservations at Half Moon Bay. She's here with her husband and two kids on sabbatical from Missouri and planned way in advance to take advantage of the time. Every other weekend they have campsites booked. We did no such planning, so we'll be spending some time with them! It was another world, so close by. And really good to get away.

Sunday we decided to go biking. So, sort of a touristy thing even though we're not tourists. It was great to get out and get fresh air and get M some exercise (I'm more able to do it given my free schedule).

Although I hate Comcast (even to the point of when I had to use a Love stamp to send the payment I put and arrow to it and wrote that I really hate you) we learned how to use it and watched Man on Wire for free on Sunday night. It was actually really good - I highly recommend it. We may as well take advantage of all this since I'm canceling or highly reducing the service once the year is up.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Recklessness of Water

Water flows and finds the easiest path. We might learn a thing or two from water. How can it be reckless then? Because it doesn't care what it does as it's flowing? What it tunnels through and around and weathers as it goes? So, do we really want to learn from water? Not sure.

Time marches on and today I become an official resident of California - getting my driver's license if I pass and transferring my registration. Because your car is everything in this state. It is you. Is that why they don't require inspections? Because you don't want to reflect on the state of being but you certainly do want to be sure you don't blow smelly/evil gas into the air and increase the smog. Good thing they don't have smog tests for people to become residents. I'd be in trouble.

The wind is currently blowing all my papers around - guess I should get up and fix them. I have to take a shower anyways so I can have a semi-decent picture of myself for my license. Ha. As. If. I had lots of adventures on the weekend, but will write more later. Feeling PMS-y anyway, and who wants to listen to whine when you can drink it?

An easy summer water song for you:

Friday, July 16, 2010

Bizarro memory

Ananda girl threw out the question of what is my favorite bizarro memory. The one that comes to mind is not my favorite and not positive, but you might find it interesting.

I spent my junior year abroad in Germany. To prepare for the experience of actually studying in a foreign language I went to language school for a month or two. There I met a Polish man from Warsaw who invited me to come visit during my year in Poland. His son spoke English and I could stay with him.

So, of course I went - a chance to see my homeland!

And so the experience begins. I took the train from Berlin. At the time, Germany was still divided, so it was a nerve wracking experience to have the train stop in East Germany's Berlin and to have officials come through to check passports. I had visions of being pulled aside and interrogated for being a spy. Of course, though, that did not happen. [actually - rereading this - I need to check my diary from that time. I may have actually been detained.]

The train went on to Warsaw. At some point, maybe even from East Germany on, a young Polish man got on and sat across from me. I think he spoke enough English that we could sort of communicate. He bought me a cup of coffee, and given there was no way I could refuse the offer, I drank it. My one and only cup of coffee in my lifetime. In any event, we arranged to meet and for him to show me around in Warsaw. (When I met up with the young man, he got western cigarettes out of me, and eventually ended up asking me to sponsor him to get to the US. I said no in a polite way, even though he had given me a photo book of the history of Poland.)

So, I got to the son's apartment, bearing gifts of course - Belgian chocolate for his wife and I forget what else. His wife spoke a little French and looked at me warily as she ate the chocolates. And, it turns out, for good reason.

For a week I participated in their life - including Easter time and a wedding. The son brought me places, but over time he started making advances. Given my 'predicament' - being in a foreign country with no other connections really - and given my wonderful ability at the time to ignore any uncomfortable reality, I stayed on. I knew it was wrong and I was uncomfortable sitting on his lap on the bus, but did it anyway (though tried to get up as soon as possible).

Despite all that, I felt lucky to be able to be in Poland and participate in all these events. The bizarrest moment was at the wedding. I danced with the wife's brother, who only spoke Esperanto. We talked a little bit about the language (to the best of our ability) and then he very clearly in manner (but not so in language) told me to leave/get of of Poland. Again, I was shocked and ignored it.

When I left Poland I carried with me some crazy memories, and also a short-lived addiction to cigarettes - taken up when the young man offered me one and I needed something to get my mind off of the stress.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Cleverness has left the building

I've just done my at least one job-related item for the day, and now really want to get away from the computer. And I'd like to be clever before I go. Where's that damn clever button? Right next to the easy one I suppose, which I've gone and lost also.

Have I told you today how much I hate Comcast? I thought for a brief shining moment that I could change my name over the phone, but no, the guy's manager said no. M gets tired of hearing me ranting, so I just gotta go rant to the people in the store. Fun! At least I'll bike there and get some exercise.

A thing that made me smile yesterday as I was on the bus. A young girl being led across the street by her dad, holding his hand. She had a set of the flat paper 3D glasses and kept putting them over her eyes and taking them off, looking up and looking down, and she'd smile after every time.

Gotta go put on those 3D glasses.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I haven't had much time to reflect given all the stuff that's been going on, but it's calming down a little. M works from home and keeps the door shut, so I have some 'me' time - though he's just a knob turn away. He tends to be really focused, so I try not to disturb unless necessary. Why it's any different when I'm on the other side of a door versus on the other end of a phone line, I don't know. I guess visual cues that he's busy make me more aware.

Thank you to MRT who gave me connections to two people he knows in SF area. I've now talked with/met both, and it just felt very good to touch base with someone. The woman I met with today especially - very outgoing, very connected, and willing to maintain a 'relationship' with me. I even gave some ideas to her with her projects, so that felt good.

One of my next goals is to find a place to volunteer at (how's that for bad grammar?). Something that will move me forward yet make me feel good too. Actually, typing that I have a few ideas. Maybe I should write them down!

It's very surreal to be here. It seems like forever already, but it's only been less than 2 weeks. Beautiful weather. Friendly people. The potential for an earthquake around every corner.. Seriously, I have on more than one occasion thought to myself what I would do if there were an earthquake NOW. I've given away some moving boxes, but there's still more to be unpacked. It's ok though...

Ananda girl wrote a reflective look back on her blog/life, and it's similar to my story. When I think what I was writing/feeling/thinking 2 years ago... oh my. Since life has calmed down, perhaps I'll start being more entertaining...We'll see.

[btw, Have I told you today how much I hate comcast?]

Monday, July 12, 2010

Settling in...

- Got a library card today! Woo hoo! Kinda had to, sorta, because I wanted to print something out for free. M's printer is not here yet.
- My car arrived today! The Polish trucker was all dzien dobre (or however you spell it) on me. He was great though. The poor car is DIRTY though. Needs a good washing.
- Have I told you today how much I hate comcast?
- Tomorrow is my dentist appointment and I'm meeting with a friend of a blogger friend to network. So nice to have nice blogger friends! And really, it's the only way I'll find a job - applying to ads just won't cut it I think.
- My newest goal is to find a moisturizer with sunscreen. I'm here a week and a half and I'm getting pretty brown. I don't want to end up leathery.
- Billy has his cat tree and is very happy to have it.

OK, bed/cleaning calls.

a phew photos

weather map shows the fault lines. woo hoo!

Attack of the killer packing paper

Billy goes half and half

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Everything and nothing and rambling

The sun is setting on yet another perfect day in northern CA. Or so M would say! He waxed on and on today about the glories of living in the promised land (ie, where we are). It really is pretty amazing. Funny, because last night we went to REI to pick up my bike which had been shipped there, and we talked to a salesman for a while who used to be a funds manager or something like that and then wandered the world for about nine years and now works at REI and complains about the management of it, which I don't blame him as I worked at an REI and there are definitely some issues with it. And it is true that people who work for a long time in retail know how to do nothing and get away with it, and people who don't work for a long time and have a really high work ethic can do nothing once and get caught (speaking from experience in the latter case). In any event, he asked why on earth we'd move here - because it's so expensive. Well, we answered, there's a ton going for it!

And while I'm in the ramblin' amblin' mood, I'll just take the time here to say how much I despise Comcast. And have from the moment I called to order. Actually, even before since their website does not allow you to provide a comment unless you are a customer. They think I am Emily and although they made the error, I have to go to a store and show my ID in order for them to change it. Here's a good story - I called today to get help with my bill, and I get Miguel. As we're just starting to talk, I hear cheering in the background, like they are watching a football game. I ask Miguel a question about an item, and he literally says to me "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention, can you repeat that?". OMG. Immediately I ask for a manager, and of course was on hold for 10-15 minutes, but dammit to hell I wasn't going to hang up and give them the satisfaction of getting away from me. Jason the manager comes on, and I tell him what Miguel said, and Jason says: He said that?! He helps me and I ask how Miguel is going to be handled. Apparently Miguel said that I wasn't giving him information and that's why he transferred me to the manager. Thing is, all calls are recorded. Dumb shit. The manager told me exactly how he was addressing it and it sounded great.

And yet another rant. I have been calling around because I might be going away soon for a short trip and need a cat sitter. Yelped, and found a few. I talked to one woman on the phone and she asked me to send an email. For some reason I mentioned to her that I was looking at another service. She got all pissy because she was really busy and was making an exception for me and that I should contact her when I was sure I wanted her. I was pissy after that, but she had good reviews, so I wrote back a mildly apologetic but clear that she had not be clear she was making an exception, and have not heard back from her. I'm not going to let her get away with not responding - I'll call her tomorrow. Let her verbalize that she doesn't want to talk to me.


And I'm ovulating and it hurts like hell. Ouch.

I think I'll go to bed.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Can I blog?

Now two people on FB have suggested to me I write a blog. I'm not sure I can. Do you think I can?
(meant to be a joke. I'm writing one here.)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Can I do blue?

These are the shoes I found when looking for more important things at thrift stores. They are hardly worn, and I got them for $5 I think. Blue. Goes well with jeans here in SF area, land of NOT heat waves.

I'm still getting used to the idea that every single friggin' day is going to be beautiful. Or so M says. I did live in LA for a while, so I understand the concept. But I'm still in the mindset of 'it's a nice day - gotta go out and enjoy it'. Which is a great concept for life, but really, when there's unpacking to be done... Also, it's hard to be blue when it's nice out. Where's my damn excuse gone to? Dammit - I have to change my perspective??? sigh. (kidding) [on a related note, found a psychiatrist, and thankfully he's in my health plan. he told me yesterday his rates and i could not commit to going to him until i checked - first visit was $450! - thank you lord for health insurance]

It's so odd that M is here in the other room all the time during the day. So far (2 days) it's been easier than I thought. We at least have big wooden doors that shut so it does seem like a separate space, ok, it is a separate space.

I'm going to go read and respond... been doing too little of that of late.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Another day, another $0

And now the continuing story...
- M was sick since Saturday, but he's better now. At least able to work!
- I signed up for the gym today, and a trainer also (expensive, but trying it out).
- It's awfully embarrassing to go to Goodwill and to pick up Freecycle stuff in a BMW (M's car - no, he's not rich - just thrifty to the point of being able to afford stuff he wants)
- My car finally got picked up and will be here in a week or so...
- Again on Seven Second Delay...good to not have a job so I can participate in high falutin' radio show.
- OK I should go do some stuff. Like read blogs!!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Guns 'n Roses

California, here I am... right back where I wasn't from... [sing along...]

I should have started writing this earlier today. I would have been much more witty, except when I was taking a nap. [Note, I am losing my grammar instincts. More witty? Wittier?] I don't even know where to begin - too many days have gone by. I'm not sure I should stay away so long...gets to be overwhelming thinking about what to write. Because you want to hear every last detail, right?

Here's a photo that shows it all worked out in the end.

OK, the last days of my house I worked long and hard to get stuff out of my soon to be not mine house and get my car packed and spend a few moments with my closest friend. I was almost frantic about having enough time to get stuff out, and two angels appeared. One I may already have written about - the guy who showed up and took almost everything out of my shed I wanted/needed gone. Assorted nails, pieces of tubing, scraps of name it. He is renovating a property and owns another and seemed to have a use for almost anything. I think the only thing he refused was a rake. The other angel appeared Wednesday morning, an hour before the walk through. I had done a curb alert on craigslist
and much stuff was gone, but when she appeared to take the rest of the boxes (amazingly enough #1) she took other things that I didn't have time to bring to Goodwill (plates, stereo that I had gotten off the sidewalk, etc.). The rest I just threw away. Which, considering everything, was a small amount. I freecycled my butt off and tried to get rid of stuff in a responsible way, and was fairly successful.

Wednesday at 1:00 was my closing. It was nice to meet the buyer - never have done that before. Nice guy and not a pedophile I think. That evening I had to drive to B's house so I could leave my packed car there and she could drive me home so I could spend the last night at 'home' and not upset Billy. I started losing it. I had to say goodbye to her husband, who is also a close friend, and I started bawling. But B and I went to dinner and had a nice time, and I went back and stayed up until 1:30 AM finishing packing/cleaning.

Got up at 4:45 am to really finish everything, and B showed up at 6:00. Thankfully she was there early, as I did not really have enough time to finish everything. I did get Billy into his new cage, and put him outside to get some fresh air before going on a plane. Did some stuff and hear B say - um, Billy escaped. Crap! I hadn't latched the opening well in my haste. Thankfully he's been out and he feels safe at the back door, and I was smart and went inside to get him rather than go around back.

Driving to the airport I started crying thinking about leaving and saying goodbye, but I sucked it up. B dropped me off with Billy and my 75 pound bag (!!!) and parked and came inside with my other things. Thank heaven for her, really. All was going well and they were very nice (American Airlines) until TSA people said ' you have to him out of the cage so we can put it through x-ray'. I said no, he'll escape. They said, well, then, he's not getting on the plane. I told them to put him through the machine and they said no, we can't do that. By now I'm sobbing hysterically because I'm so afraid he'll run away and they weren't bending, and the TSA supervisor even intimated that I didn't know how to take care of my cat so I started yelling at him and sobbing at the same time. B just remained calm and told them why I was freaked out and helped find a solution - they set up some bins around the cage so it was like he was in a room when I took him out - sobbing the whole time.

So - lesson learned which was not on any website - be prepared to take your pet out of its cage at the airport. I kept repeating 'but noone ever told me! it's not anywhere on the website!'. Didn't matter.

In any event, made it on the plane and was ok for about a half hour, and the head games began. In the course of the entire trip I had every single possible type of headache imaginable, including one that felt like a cap designed to inflict pain, and ended with a migraine. I had to change planes in Los Angeles, and I was a zombie in the airport going from one gate to the other. At one point towards the end of the trip I felt the waves of nausea that signal vomiting and I just rode the wave and kept it down. I would have taken a migraine pill but I forgot to replenish my wallet!

In SF, M met me (so nice to see him) and Billy arrived safely in the terminal (meow). M brought me home (!), I walked in the door, and promptly vomited in the toilet. I have such awesome vomit control! I slept the afternoon away, and was ok enough to go out and get food (soup).

The next day was POD unpacking day. Thankfully we had already decided to hire day laborers and did that - three of them.(boxspring did not fit up the stairs) They were great, and even though my only job was to tell them where to put stuff once they had gotten it upstairs, at the end of the three hours I was exhausted. I took a short nap when lunch was being picked up, and after lunch I slept for another couple hours. Then dinner! M by that time was starting to collapse but managed to walk back home.

M had flown across the country with D, a friend from work. D is great - a young computer geek who likes adventure and is recently divorced and has a great sense of humor. I was kidding him - he looks like a young version of the PC guy on the Mac commercials, and he is a diehard Mac fan. He may have convinced M that we need to get a smartphone - which is great. He was constantly pulling out his iphone and showing off what he could do. In any event, Saturday was our 'rest' day, and D was the guest, so he got to decide that we would fly to Sonoma and get the airial view of SF. It was all very surreal and felt wonderful.

But then M really collapsed and has been sick since then - barely getting out of bed. I'm not surprised, but will be worried if it lasts much longer. I sit here and the fireworks are just going off. We were going to go watch them, but he's in bed and I'm typing this... Oh well. Next year maybe...

When I brought D to the airport this morning, it started sinking in that I am here not on vacation, but to live. It's a bit freaky. I think of the things I threw away that I want now, and laugh at the fact that we brought a microwave but have one already in the kitchen. There's unpacking to be done. I read the newspaper and the weather map of the area shows the fault lines. The apartment is light filled and wonderful, but we may have a slanted view of it because neighbors are away for the holidays. Billy is doing fine, despite all my earlier worries.

So, guns n roses, because it feels like the promised land but has been kinda hell getting here. Hopefully moving forward all will be well. And happy belated 4th to everyone!

It's reassuring that this was the song in my head after dropping D off this am and coming back home to M: