Thursday, February 26, 2015


So I've been figuring out that in the past whenever I had a personal problem my first instinct would be to go to someone else to talk to/help me out/take responsibility for it. This big realization and change to take control/responsibility has come in the last 6-12 months.  I just realized today that I do the same thing in my work. And it needs to stop now.

And we're off....

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A new day

And after a couple weeks of making changes in my life, it's much better. I am working only full days, and the half day is worked remotely. It's made a huge difference. And actually I like my new boss way better than the old. Maybe because she's a woman?  Not sure. I work better with her, and so far so good. I gave my notice, and was all set to leave end March, and then she says today that she wants me to stay until July.

I just had a really odd day. An ex from long ago via FB asked about my and his physical relationship and what the issues were, since he's having issues with his wife. And the guy I met who I have no physical attraction to but with whom I am instant friends really appreciated my text telling him to go see a counselor. Oh, neither of those sentences explain anything.

And I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

The point is, it's ok to not be physically attracted to someone that you feel very close to. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Blind Spot

So in my review on Friday my boss, whose last day was Friday, talked about blind spots. How you think you might know your strengths and weaknesses, but you might not. I thought I was doing ok, but I wasn't, and it was heartbreaking to me. By all rights, I should have been fired. But I have one last chance, since he's gone and my new manager is starting with a clean slate. But I've been working two separate jobs and apparently it's not working, so I'm going figure out a plan to get out within 3 to 6 months. If I can last that long. But I'm hoping that if I have an end date in mind with the idea that I'll make sure that any transition planning as smooth as possible, all will be ok and I'll be able to focus and leave a good impression.

The thing that's hard here is to really know what the problem is. Is it me and horrible working style? Is it the stress of working two jobs throwing my mood out of kilter?  I think it's interesting that I noted to my sister that I've been feeling a little less stable, and I attributed it to losing weight and so my meds must be off. Didn't think of, duh, two jobs. Maybe the stress of that is throwing me off kilter. 

I should feel demoralized and I do a little, but with the idea that I'm leaving, I have energy I think. And I'll make it happen well.

I was so sad to say goodbye to my old boss. He really for the most part was so great to work with, and so funny and we got along so well. And I'll likely never see him again. That added to my crying jag. He was very sad too, and gave me a hug goodbye. Damn, I'm almost tearing up right now.

I remember very few times when I had full brain capacity. And I work so well when it's there. But like Friday, I couldn't answer a simple question and follow a conversation.  And Wednesday, I had so many thoughts doing bumper car runs that I couldn't focus. How the hell do I work with that?

Gotta find a way.