Whose decision is it whether something is right or wrong? Do you listen to your self, your friends, your therapist, your parents, your god?
I sat in the psychiatrist's office, saying that I felt numb or kind of detached from life. I just increased my medication the week before, so maybe it was that. I asked again when I'd get off of Lexapro, one of the medications I'm on and have been since the early days of the depression.
Why are you eager to get off it? She asked. What does it mean to you?
And I just cried.
It means being normal again - having a regular life. It means moving on.
And realized I had spent the last Sunday with my ex. I swore all was well, and it was until I realized I was sobbing because of it. (and the signs at the church driving by that he didn't notice, about how marriage is sacred or somesuch statement, and reading about people finding love in the blogosphere, and giving him a small neckrub in the middle of the climb and not feeling awkward at all because he is just a friend...)
Grief washes over you at times. It can take a long time to heal from a divorce - she said kindly as she sat and looked at me.
I just told her I'd sit in her waiting room and cry. In addition to the $35 missed appointment fee, I didn't want to be charged extra for something beyond medication management. And besides, there was nothing she could do. I just had to cry.
Friends, acquaintances, others, say I should not speak to him. I shouldn't spend time with him. But that's not my decision - that's not what I want to do. It makes me bleed a little, but to me bleeding is better than running away. I'm very sorry to those who 'have to' listen to me, and see I'm in pain, and feel there's nothing they can do. But I make my own decisions, as everyone does, be they right or wrong in whosever's eyes, and I live with them. Not always easily. I do take care of myself by pulling back some, but I won't see it as a weakness to be willing to spend time with him and cry because of it.
And now I go to bed alone.