Sunday, April 12, 2009

Write and wrong

Whose decision is it whether something is right or wrong? Do you listen to your self, your friends, your therapist, your parents, your god?

I sat in the psychiatrist's office, saying that I felt numb or kind of detached from life. I just increased my medication the week before, so maybe it was that. I asked again when I'd get off of Lexapro, one of the medications I'm on and have been since the early days of the depression.

Why are you eager to get off it? She asked. What does it mean to you?

And I just cried.
It means being normal again - having a regular life. It means moving on.

And realized I had spent the last Sunday with my ex. I swore all was well, and it was until I realized I was sobbing because of it. (and the signs at the church driving by that he didn't notice, about how marriage is sacred or somesuch statement, and reading about people finding love in the blogosphere, and giving him a small neckrub in the middle of the climb and not feeling awkward at all because he is just a friend...)

Grief washes over you at times. It can take a long time to heal from a divorce - she said kindly as she sat and looked at me.

I just told her I'd sit in her waiting room and cry. In addition to the $35 missed appointment fee, I didn't want to be charged extra for something beyond medication management. And besides, there was nothing she could do. I just had to cry.

Friends, acquaintances, others, say I should not speak to him. I shouldn't spend time with him. But that's not my decision - that's not what I want to do. It makes me bleed a little, but to me bleeding is better than running away. I'm very sorry to those who 'have to' listen to me, and see I'm in pain, and feel there's nothing they can do. But I make my own decisions, as everyone does, be they right or wrong in whosever's eyes, and I live with them. Not always easily. I do take care of myself by pulling back some, but I won't see it as a weakness to be willing to spend time with him and cry because of it.

And now I go to bed alone.

14 comments:

laura b. said...

It is hard for us, as people who care about your feelings, to see you hurt. However, I unconditionally support your right to handle your relationships as you deem best for you. There will always be pain...this or some other...and you are handling it in your own way. Way to go, Woman with No Regrets.

Tara said...

Although I've never been married, I know what it's like to care for someone and have others tell me I shouldn't. It's not easy to turn off feelings for a person like a faucet.

I support you too, along with Laura B.

The CEO said...

I totally support your right to make your own decisions for yourself.

Churlita said...

You should definitely do what you want in this situation.

I'm just one of those people who needs time away from people to get over them. After a couple of months away, I can usually make the transition to friendship. I realize that everyone does things differently, and you know what works best for you. I'm glad you listen to yourself.

Pamela said...

Laura, thanks. I prefer to get my pain in bits and spurts. I have listened some and did spend less time with him and it did help, but I can't NOT see him.

Thanks to you too Tara... and Monty.

Churlita - maybe I'm transitioning to something new. I used to spend WAY too much time with ex's and it was ultimately unhealthy. But completed cutting it off is something I can't/won't do yet. The relationship will disappear eventually.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there,

I feel you.

You make choices that suit your needs at the moment and your friends are asking you to make choices that will benefit you in the long term. Therein lies the dilemma.

Short term... being with him may feel comforting.

Long term... it only keeps you from healing because separation IS ALWAYS necessary to fully heal.

Always.

Always.

Yes... I said always. We live long enough and we just learn these lessons and we stop questioning these lessons because we have been through too much NOT to accept these lessons.

I speak peace to you... peace and happiness in your inner being.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa

Susan said...

I am no one to give advice but I just hope you do what works for you and only you know what that is.

I admire that you right about these things. There's something I'm purposely omitting from my blogging lately that's slowly eating away at me.

Good for you and your courage.

Pamela said...

Thank you Trumpeteer for your comment. I understand what you are saying. Maybe I should have written instead that I have to do it at my own pace. I have slowly spent less and less time with him, and it does enable me to heal.

Susan, well, hang in there. Sometimes I wonder if it's stupidity or stubbornness rather than courage... But who knows. It just is.

Susan said...

I just realized I "right"ed instead of "write"ed. Ugh.

k_sra said...

Aww, hugs!

Hang in there, Chica, and don't get charged extra for crying. Crying's free! :P

We are the shoulder that you get to cry on, so make like a river and flow. :)

NoRegrets said...

Susan, and I refrained from mentioning it. I'm learning to be nice.

K_sra, so sweet here and such a hard ass in the other post!

Mel said...

*hugs*

Yaknow, I go back to the principles for living that I adopted for myself.....cuz I had no principles (or darn few). And I align myself with people who I trust will tell me what they see.

And I consult the Big Guy, of course.

He assures me that I'm loved exactly as is, that I have permission to grow at my own pace, and that there really are reasons I'm getting to go through what I'm getting to go through--GOOD reasons, even if I don't see them at this moment in time.

I'd say the same to you.....

Stray Cat said...

Here's my chance to return a favor. Have you read "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron? I just started it and like it. Hang in there, sista. Peace

Pamela said...

Mel, yes, I agree.

StrayCat - thanks. I searched and saw what it's about - will get it and read. I thought at first it was the same title as Chinua Achebe's book (which, if you haven't read, you should - though it's not self help) but there's no 'when' in the title.

And boy o boy - there's a part of me that goes nuts when you comment since it takes me a while to get that song out of myhead!!!!