Thursday, October 4, 2012

Controls on hold

I need to start writing down in a calendar when I feel certain ways, so I can keep track.

I will confess that I did a very horribly stupid thing this morning. Thing is, I felt disconnected from it. And so it sends up red flags. Part of the disease, but doesn't make it right.  In any event, I was in a threesome and didn't tell them I had herpes.


No, I was driving to work, and there was construction that was being cleared so it was all backed up. I was doing the right thing, I thought, by merging behind this truck. Thing is, the woman in the Prius didn't think so. She wouldn't let me in. Even came very close to hitting my car, as I was trying to push it in front of her. So, when I got over to the left of the two lanes and it turned out she had to merge in front of me, I didn't let her in - but she was pushing pushing it. The car in front of me end up letting her in, and traffic cleared soon after so she zoomed off.

Oh my, this is embarrassing.

So, I zoomed after her.  Up to 100 miles per hour so I could get in front of her and put on my brakes.  How horribly dangerous is that? So she zoomed off to the right of a pickup and he decided he wanted to zoom off, which then kicked up a bunch of big rocks from his tires. One of which hit my windshield and made a divot. Which I thought was well deserved - my instant karma. But it didn't stop me from continuing to harass her until I exited. I won't go into further details.

And then when I touched the divot to see how bad it was, I cut my finger. And again, I felt good because a little more instant karma. I was hoping I wouldn't get really what I deserved, which was my headache from Monday that lasted for three days and finally went away.

And then when I got home today, I felt disconnected again, and yelled quite forcefully at the other cat when he tried to get out the door.

Thing is, I had my psychiatrist check up today. But they decided today to have someone sit in to view, and I was uncomfortable. And it seems I can put on a good show these days. Pft. What difference does it make if I fool my psychiatrist, when it only hurts me in the end?

Arg.  Danger danger danger.


laura b. said...

I'm so sorry you are having this difficult time and even more sorry that you were unable to talk to the person who could maybe help.

I believe in karma, but wouldn't read too much into it. Mostly...things just happen :)

3GKnight said...

I read that sentence 3 times before I LOL'd at the "ha". Hope the karma evens out for you soon.

NoRegrets said...

Ah, Laura, it's ok.

3GK - :-) darn, if it were true you'd come back more often to find out what happens!