Sunday, July 29, 2012

Don't let that glad expression...

I need to talk with someone and don't want to call anyone. So, I'll write here. I guess I'll really need to talk to a live person.  Thing is, I want to help others because it keeps the focus away from me. But people who had issues are doing better - M found some people he can become friends with.  G is not depressed, though will have to make some big decisions soon.

Me, well... spiral thinking.  Starting to want to cry more.  I have to get out of this.  Been pushing shit away.  I just need to keep on. I guess pretending to be ok will help me be ok?  Perhaps.  Or maybe I just need to stop giving myself a break and just keep moving on.  Keep on keeping on.

- I'm embarrassed because I realize now how much people could hear in this house when I was sobbing hysterically or the rare time M and I raised our voices (or I did since he did not believe in it).
- I"m starting to try and think about how lucky I am to have been here even if it's only going to be 2 years + some change. If I don't find a roommate next month, well, I'll have to give notice. And I have a cat and it's so competitive to find housing, and I may need to live very far away which will make it difficult to get a job, or even temp work. Luckily I have family and friends who have offered a place to stay, but they are not here. I'll have to give up on this place.
- It's amazing how much spam is on Craigslist.
- I have a hard time getting out of my head the things that I am not that I was made aware of by M.  And accept who I am and be happy with it. They push in though.  He's going to buy a boat and name it Truth. And yes, it's the truth as he sees it, but it's so hard to hear it and not be affected by it and accept the gift of his perspective. I feel like I'm autistic (high functioning of course).
- A man who came to check out the apartment and came as far as putting in an application backed out. We had spent a bit of time talking of course, to make sure we could live together. Then when he backed out, he wrote a text referencing one thing (saw a woman with a feather - I had said I pick up feathers for Billy) which was nice but I was worried. Then he offered to fix my bike and I sent him a terse note back (thank you but I'd feel I"d have to pay you), and he explained that he was just trying to be nice. And then I felt bad. I mentioned the text thing to M, and he was kind of saying well so what if he wants to date  you, and that pissed me off because he doesn't care if I immediately date. I'm sure he's expecting it of me.

A possible roommate is coming this morning. She's like a feral cat - scared, skittish... My age-ish, hasn't lived with someone in a long time, like me. I can't pressure her, and don't want to.  I wonder how much mess/dirt/smell I don't notice, which is why I'm not getting a roommate. At least one person was nice enough to tell me he thought the spare room was like a living room (and also that I was too good looking so his wife wouldn't like it (he is a pilot and just needs a crash pad)).

OK, gotta go smell nice, etc. Billy kindly helped this morning by barfing all over the bedroom rug.  Such a good boy.


silly rabbit said...

I am not good with making decisions. I tend to mostly allow things to happen to me and then deal with it.

Sometimes being alone can really suck. I'm glad that Billy is there, even if he does barf.

Truth is a funny thing. It can be so different for different people in the same situation.

I would have worried that I owed the man for a bike repair in some way too, even if he was just being nice.

Maybe the skittish woman will turn into a good room mate. One of the best room mates I ever had was more than a wee bit bizarre.

I'd keep pushing onward. In the end, what is meant to be is what will be anyway. Even if you have to leave the area... perhaps the best is waiting there for you.

Tara said...

I'm with Silly Rabbit; the skittish woman might surprise you in a good way.

Oh Billy - nothing like a cat puking or misbehaving to help us focus on the miscellaneous moments in life.