I love you blog for being there when I need you. I can talk to you, and you listen. And you mirror shit back to me in such a way that I can think, and not be overwhelmed by getting too much information at once. I can sit and cry and not worry about how I look. And I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of you or taking up too much of your time. I can be weak and imperfect and you know I'll come around to being less so. Perhaps you aren't as challenging as I might need, because you bring up all the justifications for why I might feel or do something. But nothing is perfect, and neither is a human being.
I really do. I use to write diaries, but I type faster than I write, and these days my handwriting sucks since I never do it. That's the case with a lot of people I think. My nephew for example... his handwriting looks like a 9 year old's in my opinion, and my guess is that he just hasn't had too much occasion to use it.
I'm scared of being in a working environment full time. I think of how I was, now 3-4 years ago, and I was horrible. I think of what M says that I live in my own little bubble, and I see that. It's like I can only handle so much input and I have to filter some out. I have lag response time. I also do awkward social things, like interrupt the flow of a funny conversation to say what's in my head which is anxiety about how someone else is interacting with me, or to respond to someone who's just looking for information about a climbing area to say that I'd love to go along because I'm going to need new climbing friends. NO, she didn't ask you that. I've become socially awkward, and apparently always have been personally awkward. I have this image of me of being considerate, but I become inconsiderate sometimes and take advantage of people or cancel things the last minute when I should have thought ahead so I wouldn't put people in a bind.
I guess I think I'm ok with all that's going on, but it hits me and I realize, not so much. If I just let some out, I'd feel better, so I'm doing that. What's happening:
- M is leaving the end of this month.
- He gives a lot of attention to Billy and cares about him, and once I get a job I won't be here much and who knows what the new roommate will do.
- The apt is filling up with moving boxes.
- I don't really know how all the stuff I have, even in our storage area is going to fit in this apt.
- I have to write an ad and get a great roommate, because I think I'm staying here.
- I have two leads on jobs that are up in the air, but moving forward.
- I have a contract I'm trying to do, and the person I'm working with is so smart and spending so much time on it, and I'm just managing/coordinating since that's what I do. And do best I guess. But I need to do more content.
- I want to climb this summer in the weekends, but it may all be taken up with moving.
Thing is, as Mel often writes, I have the power to decide how I handle it. I've taken the power a few times in the last 6 months. And it felt good. I just need to do it more. But do that for me, not because someone else says I need it or gets upset if I don't recover quickly or respond in the way he does.
OK, power to the people...person...me