Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I love you blog

I love you blog for being there when I need you. I can talk to you, and you listen. And you mirror shit back to me in such a way that I can think, and not be overwhelmed by getting too much information at once. I can sit and cry and not worry about how I look. And I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of you or taking up too much of your time.  I can be weak and imperfect and you know I'll come around to being less so. Perhaps you aren't as challenging as I might need, because you bring up all the justifications for why I might feel or do something. But nothing is perfect, and neither is a human being.

I really do. I use to write diaries, but I type faster than I write, and these days my handwriting sucks since I never do it. That's the case with a lot of people I think.  My nephew for example... his handwriting looks like a 9 year old's in my opinion, and my guess is that he just hasn't had too much occasion to use it.

I'm scared of being in a working environment full time. I think of how I was, now 3-4 years ago, and I was horrible. I think of what M says that I live in my own little bubble, and I see that. It's like I can only handle so much input and I have to filter some out.  I have lag response time. I also do awkward social things, like interrupt the flow of a funny conversation to say what's in my head which is anxiety about how someone else is interacting with me, or to respond to someone who's just looking for information about a climbing area to say that I'd love to go along because I'm going to need new climbing friends. NO, she didn't ask you that. I've become socially awkward, and apparently always have been personally awkward. I have this image of me of being considerate, but I become inconsiderate sometimes and take advantage of people or cancel things the last minute when I should have thought ahead so I wouldn't put people in a bind.

I guess I think I'm ok with all that's going on, but it hits me and I realize, not so much. If I just let some out, I'd feel better, so I'm doing that. What's happening:
- M is leaving the end of this month.
- He gives a lot of attention to Billy and cares about him, and once I get a job I won't be here much and who knows what the new roommate will do.
- The apt is filling up with moving boxes.
- I don't really know how all the stuff I have, even in our storage area is going to fit in this apt.
- I have to write an ad and get a great roommate, because I think I'm staying here.
- I have two leads on jobs that are up in the air, but moving forward.
- I have a contract I'm trying to do, and the person I'm working with is so smart and spending so much time on it, and I'm just managing/coordinating since that's what I do. And do best I guess. But I need to do more content.
- I want to climb this summer in the weekends, but it may all be taken up with moving.

Thing is, as Mel often writes, I have the power to decide how I handle it. I've taken the power a few times in the last 6 months. And it felt good. I just need to do it more. But do that for me, not because someone else says I need it or gets upset if I don't recover quickly or respond in the way he does.

OK, power to the


laura b. said...

This is a difficult time and anyone would be full of anxiety right now. Maybe you do process it differently, but you seem very self-aware and able to make compensations when you need to...if that makes sense. You're so hard on yourself though!
I bet moving won't take as much time as you think. You will have weekends left this summer to spend climbing.

silly rabbit said...

My blog is also my confidant. I can say what I want into it and leave it there for whatever flies back... then mull that over. It does help me to make choices.

Sometimes I think people say what they think is nice to say to whatever I am on about... but even that has a place on a blog. I need to hear that someone else has felt this way or that or at least that they can see how I felt. Empathy?

Sometimes it brings up new questions to consider. The important thing is that my blog opens up various thought lines and fills different needs depending on my subject.

You are going through so many changes right now! I'd be overwhelmed. Btw... I did not find you socially awkward at all. I thought you were charming and much more socially graceful than I am.

I don't like that feeling of not having enough space. When you feel stuff closing in, go for a walk or sit outside a bit. Get out somewhere. It helps me.

Bill will do well. Cats are such wonderful adapters. Changes in their lives are opportunities to explore new things.

Mel said...

Wow-- First of all, your blog thanks you, I'm sure.

I'm a fingers to keyboard kinda gal (as you well know). OUT of the head and into black and white--things get more manageable, organized and somehow less scary when I do that. Reality is my 'list' could be only six things--but in my brain, swimming's 60 and overwhelming.

Now, I'll give that my handwriting has improved--only because the pen to paper does something for me that fingers to keyboard doesn't. I guess I type too dang fast. LOL Pen to paper not only give my handwriting PRACTICE, but it slows my brain down and forces it to match the speed of my writing. Slow enough to THINK a tad more clearly.

And I have to agree with Laura--mostly cuz she said what I said one post down.......and that was before I read this pffffttttt! You really are doing quite well for all the big stuff that you're getting to contend with--give yourself a bit of credit! (It'll help you keep moving to the next thing.....really, it will!)

And yep--we don't GET to choose what comes our way, but we CAN choose the attitude in which we handle it. LOTS of growth opportunities springing up for you..and you're growing well, grasshopper! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I hope you know you can call me if you want to talk.

Tara said...

Doesn't it seem like you're always on the lookout for good boxes when you're moving? I'm still on the lookout for some, because I'm always getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore.