I learned something a while back. The first guy I was completely in love with let me move away. Yet whenever we were in the same area we'd get together and it would be great. So much so, he came to visit with the idea of finally figuring out us. And decided again, no. Despite my devastation, I remained friends with him, because I'm not one to give up relationships easily. The last time I saw him the way I knew him, I still felt the way I had always felt. I mean, I had had boyfriends, but it just wasn't the same.
Soon after that, he came down with Creuzfeld Jakob's disease, which eats away at your brain. When he called to tell me he was sick, I had no problem at all saying I love you. Because I always had. His parents told me that I should come visit him, and I did. He was still talking and moving when I arrived and he was excited to see me. And for some reason the nurses assigned to him were really small! So, they needed help helping him in the shower, and it was no problem doing that. He needed assistance eating, but he still had spirit. I would have happily lived my life with him like that.
But then later that day he had a horrible seizure, and it was the beginning of the real end. He lasted another month I think. I went out for the memorial, and everyone treated me like I was the widow. Sitting with his parents up front, photos in the album of me and him - everything. It was crazy. But I felt like a widow. And they needed a widow. I wished I had had the time to be with him.
But really, he had to die for me to move on with my life. We weren't going to be together, and his dying finally made me believe it. How strange to write.
And the lesson learned from that is sometimes you have to think of the person being dead in order to move on. Or at least I do. Because otherwise...there's always pain, and sometimes hope. So, for example, I'll think of my ex as dead. And if I see him in the gym alive and climbing, I'll be amazed and might have to worship him since he's risen from the dead. And that will really piss him off, since he is so religious. Oh well...
I swear this will be my last super serious post. I've just had to get stuff out.