Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Death of Love

I learned something a while back. The first guy I was completely in love with let me move away. Yet whenever we were in the same area we'd get together and it would be great. So much so, he came to visit with the idea of finally figuring out us. And decided again, no. Despite my devastation, I remained friends with him, because I'm not one to give up relationships easily. The last time I saw him the way I knew him, I still felt the way I had always felt. I mean, I had had boyfriends, but it just wasn't the same.

Soon after that, he came down with Creuzfeld Jakob's disease, which eats away at your brain. When he called to tell me he was sick, I had no problem at all saying I love you. Because I always had. His parents told me that I should come visit him, and I did. He was still talking and moving when I arrived and he was excited to see me. And for some reason the nurses assigned to him were really small! So, they needed help helping him in the shower, and it was no problem doing that. He needed assistance eating, but he still had spirit. I would have happily lived my life with him like that.

But then later that day he had a horrible seizure, and it was the beginning of the real end. He lasted another month I think. I went out for the memorial, and everyone treated me like I was the widow. Sitting with his parents up front, photos in the album of me and him - everything. It was crazy. But I felt like a widow. And they needed a widow. I wished I had had the time to be with him.

But really, he had to die for me to move on with my life. We weren't going to be together, and his dying finally made me believe it. How strange to write.

And the lesson learned from that is sometimes you have to think of the person being dead in order to move on. Or at least I do. Because otherwise...there's always pain, and sometimes hope. So, for example, I'll think of my ex as dead. And if I see him in the gym alive and climbing, I'll be amazed and might have to worship him since he's risen from the dead. And that will really piss him off, since he is so religious. Oh well...

I swear this will be my last super serious post. I've just had to get stuff out.

8 comments:

laura b. said...

Wow. That is a powerful message and I fully understand it. I'm sorry for what you lost with your first love. And I'm sorry for the loss you are continuing to experience with your ex. It is hard when someone you love dies, even if it is a symbolic death.

EsLocura said...

we sometimes need to do all sorts of creative things to deal and move on, you do what you need to help you heal and move on, life is short, way too short, so be healthy, be happy, and make you the priority.

Pamela said...

Laura, yes. This too may pass, but right now it's an attitude I need.

Es...are you listening to your own words?

Tara said...

I think I'm going to have to use that method to move on. Thank you for posting this. I'm so sorry for your loss - he must have thought about you as much as you thought about him, and I'm positive if it had been the other way around, he would've taken the time to care for you too.

Churlita said...

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. But you are so right. I have to do all kinds of stuff to get my brain and heart to shut-up and get over people and things. It sounds like you have a great plan.

Pamela said...

Tara, we'll see if it works!

Churlita, ditto!

Sebastien said...

OMG... that is so sad, traumatic. Life deals us some very hard cards sometimes. It ain't always easy making lemonade with lemons! But we try...

As for forgetting, that is sometimes the best method. Otherwise it's impossible to move on.

Mel said...

We do what we need to do to move to where we get to be next...sometimes that's not comfy to the world around us. But it's you that gets to move, eh?

I'm sorry for the loss--I'm clear it was a huge one. The death of love always is.....

((((((( you ))))))))