Well, I never wrote anything after my rants about my life. Turns out the big thing I was angry about didn't really exist. It was a misunderstanding - which I didn't realize until Wednesday. I felt horrible the whole weekend, and even Monday and Tuesday because of this. I was thinking about it all weekend. It affected my sleep. It affected my waking hours.
Until by Tuesday I said to myself that really truly I need to change my attitude. And I have. I go in early, get work done, and ignore any personal feelings I might have. OK, not ignore. I push them away. Meaning, I acknowledge that they are there, and then push them away. My new attitude is that they don't rule me.
That's not to say I won't fall into similar traps in the future. But for now, at least this week, things have gone better. I was almost sick with worry because Wednesday AM is my normal meeting with my boss. But it was fine. It was official. And she followed up on something she said in her email - about reducing my work load. I had written back that there's nothing that can be transferred to someone else, and it just needs to get done. And she came in with ideas and we adjusted some things and some deadlines got pushed back. I still have a lot of work, but I'm working, rather than obsessing. We have our differences, but there is good.
And I am truly trying to let things go. Today we had a conference call with bigwigs, trying to create partnerships. I went to push the phone so I could talk, and I hung us up instead of un-muting. She did a big sigh and tapped her foot, and she was extremely irritated, and it irritated me that she got so upset about it when it's a stupid simple mistake, but I let it go. Really I think I did.
Is it the medication or is it me? I don't really care. I just know what I'm doing. OK, so I do care a bit, but I'm right now taking all the credit for it. I have the power.