Friday, July 24, 2009

I don't exist for a while

Well, seems my ex decided he doesn't want to be in contact with me. But doesn't really tell me that. I just have to infer from his actions. Which were not responding to a request I sent, an offer I sent, and thanking me for the sour cherry jam I left in his mailbox while he was away. I went to the gym last night, which is the night he usually goes, and just ignored him, which was very petty of me. But it touches a nerve, since that's what he did during our whole fucking marriage. I don't really give a shit if men are from mars. They live in this fucking world and in my opinion can learn to express what they are feeling. Or at least try. And continue trying.

And on my part, I need to know what I want, and what I need, and forgive yet not forget, and try, but don't run over my own needs in the process. So, thinking about it, I left a message on his home number today and told him I had left jam in his mailbox, and also that I'm assuming he doesn't want to be in contact with him. And wished him all the best and to let me know when/if he ever wanted to be in contact. That might not have been the best solution, but I thought it was pretty good and better than nothing.

I'm hoping that all my life experiences with men continue to make me grow and maybe someday lead to a relationship that is lasting and loving in physical, mental, and emotional ways. I can't sit around and say poor me for too long, because that's not living. And since I've worked so hard to learn how to live, I don't think I should go back to the desire to not live. I just get sad sometimes. And have to accept that will happen, know that it's there, and move on, but remembering the past, all the good and the bad. The love and the hate. The joy and the sorrow. The pain and the pleasure.

10 comments:

Susan said...

Good for you! I think it's good you called and said your piece. It's better than have it eating away in your mind.

Tara said...

I used to be so bad at playing the silent treatment with guys who were actually interested in me, and I've pushed a few away that way. Only to find out they've moved to another state and/or have moved on to someone who isn't as moody as I am.

I sent a congratulatory message on Facebook to a guy who went from friend to acquaintance, and he never responded. I get the point now, but it's so frustrating.

Churlita said...

I was just talking about this with a friend of mine. Guys always say that women are crazy, but how insane is it to pretend like you don't have feelings? I think it would be awesome if a guy would just tell you how he feels about you. If he said, I'd like to make-out with you, but that's all I can handle right now, then you could decide if you could handle that. Or if he wanted to try to have a relationship, then you could decide about that. Instead of us women continually trying to figure out what their actions might mean and over-analyzing everything.

NoRegrets said...

Susan, yes. I was feeling very teenagerish. Not a good feeling.

Tara, you've gotten better, right? You communicate, right? As for people who don't respond, yes, it's frustrating as all hell.

Churlita, seriously to the first part. The second, well, I hope I'm done over analyzing. But likely not.

Sebastien said...

That's very small of him, what's up with that. Couldn't he at least talk to you and level...

Fortunately I'm good with expressing my feelings. I usually start throwing stuff and yelling and unleashing an insane temper/rage. At least people know where I stand :)

NoRegrets said...

Sebastien, Maybe he planned to. I don't know. Maybe he just needs more time than I"m able to give.

Hmm... T is for Temper, me thinks.

laura b. said...

I am barely getting to a point in my life where I try not to second guess why someone else is acting some way or doing something. Stuff like that is crazy-making and very hard to resist.
I think by saying what you wanted to say you did the exact right thing.

radicalmom said...

i am closing in on 60, seems surreal, but i am. my relationships with men have been pretty bad, overall. not sure how things fall apart, likely unspoken expectations on both sides and fear of communication of true feelings combined. this latest gig seems ok, but i find he misrepresented himself on Plenty of fish when he answered my ad after i specifically asked for honesty and bravery. he avoids conflict, turns his (literally) deaf ear when he wants to stop talking or finds my talking "haranguing". i'm just grateful he lives in another state and visits occasionally; yes it's an odd set-up, but i'm happy in this cabin. why do men do that?????? he has a selective memory, yet refuses to admit it; he shuts out my ideas in favour of his own hackneyed plans; he loves to go on about "validation" yet insists it means that i have to agree with everything he says and pat his head each time he voices an opinion. .. done.. thanks for the forum, no regrets. strong women must remain so, not cower or bend to the devises of manipulation.

Mel said...

Forward into a new day.

This attitude for work comes at a good time, eh?

This doesn't have to rule you, either.

NoRegrets said...

Laura, and then I continue thinking about it... and think I was too harsh. That's always the way with me.

Radicalmom... damn, doesn't sound like you have what you want... perhaps there are other fish in the sea? I admire your bravery, for sure. And glad you have a forum.