Well, seems my ex decided he doesn't want to be in contact with me. But doesn't really tell me that. I just have to infer from his actions. Which were not responding to a request I sent, an offer I sent, and thanking me for the sour cherry jam I left in his mailbox while he was away. I went to the gym last night, which is the night he usually goes, and just ignored him, which was very petty of me. But it touches a nerve, since that's what he did during our whole fucking marriage. I don't really give a shit if men are from mars. They live in this fucking world and in my opinion can learn to express what they are feeling. Or at least try. And continue trying.
And on my part, I need to know what I want, and what I need, and forgive yet not forget, and try, but don't run over my own needs in the process. So, thinking about it, I left a message on his home number today and told him I had left jam in his mailbox, and also that I'm assuming he doesn't want to be in contact with him. And wished him all the best and to let me know when/if he ever wanted to be in contact. That might not have been the best solution, but I thought it was pretty good and better than nothing.
I'm hoping that all my life experiences with men continue to make me grow and maybe someday lead to a relationship that is lasting and loving in physical, mental, and emotional ways. I can't sit around and say poor me for too long, because that's not living. And since I've worked so hard to learn how to live, I don't think I should go back to the desire to not live. I just get sad sometimes. And have to accept that will happen, know that it's there, and move on, but remembering the past, all the good and the bad. The love and the hate. The joy and the sorrow. The pain and the pleasure.