I've been looking at old diaries to see what my life has been all about. Boys figure pretty prominently. A major life crisis - there's a boy. Often. And then there was my marriage. I was married in fall 2002.
But still not sleeping well. Waking up early, etc. I keep thinking about [EX] and I. I experience people that it's easy to talk to and long for that in my marriage. Then I think you can't have a perfect marriage and start wondering again and keep going on. [...] I keep making lists in my head comparing back and forth. Stupid. Either I'm in this or I'm not. If I'm going to jump into it, it has to be now because otherwise I'll always wonder. Try it for a month and see what happens. If you don't try, nothing will happen. Otherwise it's all an excuse for being lazy.
I've been trying things that I know to make things better with us. Yes they are better than 1.5 years ago. But I am not happy. Still. And because the methods that I know are not working or being rejected, I'm giving up. I'm stuck. I am in limbo and waiting for you to take over and lead us into a better marriage.
I just feel dead. The living dead. I see people kissing and I don't remember what it feels like to kiss and enjoy it. I don't see any really happy marriages.
[April 2007: Left home for the first time.]
I was talking with a friend last night, about life, and men, and my marriage, and she reminded me that I had doubts even before I was married. And apparently I said that if I called off the wedding it would hurt my mother. It hurt me to be in a marriage that wasn't a marriage. He was and is a good man, just not my good man. I will never put someone else before me again. And I don't mean that in a 'I hate people' sort of way. Hopefully you understand.