Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dear Diary

I've been looking at old diaries to see what my life has been all about. Boys figure pretty prominently. A major life crisis - there's a boy. Often. And then there was my marriage. I was married in fall 2002.

August 2003:

But still not sleeping well. Waking up early, etc. I keep thinking about [EX] and I. I experience people that it's easy to talk to and long for that in my marriage. Then I think you can't have a perfect marriage and start wondering again and keep going on. [...] I keep making lists in my head comparing back and forth. Stupid. Either I'm in this or I'm not. If I'm going to jump into it, it has to be now because otherwise I'll always wonder. Try it for a month and see what happens. If you don't try, nothing will happen. Otherwise it's all an excuse for being lazy.

May 2005:

I've been trying things that I know to make things better with us. Yes they are better than 1.5 years ago. But I am not happy. Still. And because the methods that I know are not working or being rejected, I'm giving up. I'm stuck. I am in limbo and waiting for you to take over and lead us into a better marriage.

Nov 2006:

I just feel dead. The living dead. I see people kissing and I don't remember what it feels like to kiss and enjoy it. I don't see any really happy marriages.

[April 2007: Left home for the first time.]

I was talking with a friend last night, about life, and men, and my marriage, and she reminded me that I had doubts even before I was married. And apparently I said that if I called off the wedding it would hurt my mother. It hurt me to be in a marriage that wasn't a marriage. He was and is a good man, just not my good man. I will never put someone else before me again. And I don't mean that in a 'I hate people' sort of way. Hopefully you understand.


crazy4coens said...

wow! i love that you are so open to share your diaries. i won't even read my old journals, let alone share such intimate stuff. way to go. let the healing beign!

AlienCG said...

I hope this turns out to be therapeutic for you. It's not easy baring your emotions for the world to see, but if it helps, excellent.

NoRegrets said...

How can you not even read your own journals?? you wrote them! But thanks for the comment.

Alien - ah, the world only sees NoRegrets... Now, if the truth got out that it was ME, well, maybe that would be another story. And besides, I don't bare ALL here. I leave some things to myself.

laura b. said...

I always find that looking back on stuff I wrote in the past surprises me. I tend to recolor memories and being able to see how I really felt can be eye-opening.
From this, it looks like you had doubts about your marriage all through it, but that you tried really, really hard to work it out. That is all anyone can ask of themself or others.

Pamela said...

Laura, I don't read them often enough. Maybe it would stop me from making the same mistakes over and over??