I Can Never Be

The refrain from a song by Johnny Clegg and Savuka has been going through my head for over a week.

I can never be what you want
I can never be what you want me to be
I have sailed this impossible ocean
I have sailed this crazy sea
I can never be what you want
whatever you want me to be

My husband wondered this aloud last week - whether he could ever really be what I want him to be. It is a very good question. One deep down I may know the answer to, but am not ready yet to embrace. Though I should not think that way, since I will be going back next Thursday night. Both of us are anxious about it. He because he's afraid I'll leave again. Me because I'm afraid I won't leave again if it just won't work. Arg! [image of a head circling around on a body] Is it ever really possible to start anew, for real? I'm trying to fish and not cut bait. Or shit and not get off the pot. To wipe the slate clean. But man, it's tough. The past does not disappear. Oh, we'll see. I can't ponder this anymore right now.