Sunday, March 30, 2014

March in like a Lion

So, my mom died. It was a good death so that is comforting. But I am now motherless, which on the plane ride home made me feel untethered. Made me feel changed. She was such a wonderful mother and all statements referred to that fact, even to people who weren't her biological children. My sister is following in her footsteps to a certain extent. Her capacity for love is great. Mine is too, but not so outgoing. I have my mother's high school ring now and will be wearing it a great deal.

One thing that was wonderful yet a little traumatic was that my middle school teacher came to the visitation. I didn't recognize him at first and when I did I screamed and jumped up to hug him, as I said "you're old and gray!".  Hmm.... not so appropriate in a funeral home. But whatever. It was wonderful to catch up with him. What was a little traumatic was how he talked about how much promise I had when he met me, what a special person I was, how there's only a few small people he tries to keep in touch with over the years. Hearing that was nice, but also traumatic because I feel like I'm nowhere right now. Boring job and almost lost that. No partner, no kids, no major accomplishments... I felt horrible for a day - of course the funeral didn't help - but got over it, mostly. I guess I can't forget that some people see me that way and maybe I can be amazing...

Other than that, work is moving along. Still have a job. Learning how to belong in a polite society.

Hope everyone is well.


silly rabbit said...

I have been away. Since my dad died I too have felt somewhat untethered.
All the troubles with getting Randy's disability has been draining. So I have just been getting up, going to work and coming home to do housework, cook and sleep.
But I am reading again. So that is a good sign for me. I can't read when I am depressed, so the fog is starting to lift. The sun helps.

I am sorry you are in the weird place where we go when our last parent passes. Great big hug!

I think it is wonderful that you have a teacher who thought so well of you. I'm pretty sure my teachers never wanted to stay in touch with me. Of course that goes the other way too. But that speaks a lot of what a wonderful mind you have and a personality to make people want to know you.

steve julian said...

I like this quote:
Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.

because it is true.

I hope you can, overtime, be able to walk better with your grief.

Losing your Mom is a true loss for sure.