Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Clumpy messy job me

I've tried making the cookies/twists again, and again it's a runny mess. It's all oozed into one big pan thing. Not sure what's happening. But, it tastes good! I think I ate half a pan already. Mmmm... cinnamon sugar mmm.... Sigh. Oh well, there are worse things in life.

I kinda threw that out there today, but a couple weeks ago the place I was volunteering for asked me to be a consultant through January. They had one person going on maternity leave and one person out of the office for a month. Uh, hell yeah! I had no idea what to charge as a rate, so I just told them to pay me the hourly wage of the person on maternity leave, plus 15% for taxes, which I would have to pay for self employment. It's not a lot, but it's better than nothing, for sure. No guarantee of a full time job, but they seem to like me and my work, so we'll see.

What's a little scary though is that what they do connects to my past in many ways. I look good on paper, but oh, that one job from 15 years ago? I was told I would be happy somewhere else (how's that for an alternate wording for firing?). Oh, that other job from 7 years ago? I wanted to strangle my boss on a daily if not hourly basis, and she pretty much knew it. We went through mediation and everything, but I was just so sick of her.

I keep hoping my life has changed for the better. I keep hoping I have changed for the better. And I know the answer to both is yes. I know I have learned a lot professionally and can do a lot, and with medication, can get along with people. I know I personally am less than perfect - I hear it regularly and when talking about that situation an old friend chimes in in wholehearted agreement. And I know I am better and still have so much to learn, but I need someone who will share the ride and not look at me from high on the mountain and ask why I've fallen behind.

My messy clumpy life. And me.


Churlita said...

It's a life long process...This trying to be a better person business. It's hard, but I think the results are worth. It's great that you keep trying.

laura b. said...

Well, I really congratulate you on coming to a whole new place and finding this opportunity. You are a different person than you were 15 years ago, or even seven years ago!

Even the ones up on the mountain looking down have surely had their struggles and if they've forgotten that they are just rewriting history and cheating themselves.

Mel said...

We're all 'messy jobs' in process, methinks. Sometimes we're just messier than others....and then we grow a bit more, learn a bit more and progress -- usually without our knowledge.

Can I suggest giving yourself a break? Seems to me you're dancing as fast as you can.... Just sayin'.

NoRegrets said...

Churlita, yeah, but I'd like to get it right!
Laura, did you know me 15 years ago? Oh, wait, that was me talking about that. Funny... Yes, I agree that people who've learned have to remember where they came from.
Mel-I'll try to give myself a break.