Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Not to be Debbie Downer

It would so suck to actually have that name. Can't even imagine. Would be pretty funny though if she was a very upbeat person.

I have had two mindfulness class sessions. And homework. And while it's not the highest quality, it's great I'm doing it. I keep falling asleep during my homework though.

OK, let's get to the point I wanted to make. Did I tell you M is moving back to this area?  He is. And boy am I anxious. I feel lots of childish things and lots of really normal human being things. I need the thought of him being in this area be one of those things that I acknowledge is there and let glide on by.

For instances:
- I don't want him taking my climbing partners! Especially the one I've had for 5+ years now. Realistically it won't happen - he'll be added to the group but damn, it's bad enough now that we have one woman who I don't know will ever lead outdoors and so when we take her out it's like being her personal tour guide. Which is ridiculous, because my climbing partner is always someone's tour guide, and has been mine in the past. But he's MINE. Ha
- I don't want to go out to dinner as much as he wants. I need to save money. Realistically all I have to do is say no thanks. I just fear it's going to be a lot of no thanks.

And what's funny is that I worry and all this and it will turn out in the end that he has a perfectly wonderful life all his own and I see him once a year. To a certain extent, I wish that would be the case. Is that horrible of me? Not really.

Right now I feel pretty rooted in myself. I have my quirks and issues, but I'm coming to acknowledge them and be comfortable in my self and try to be the best person I can be, and keep growing. I feel like when I'm around M my roots start getting torn up and I start teetering in the wind that is his life force. But it's another one of life's lessons that I need to embrace.

Damn life lesson.

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